Natural relationships are between man and woman, as God intended. Same-sex attraction is a disease, it should be treated as such.
My mind flashed back to St Catherine’s, one of the many lectures I was forced to sit through. The flashbacks were happening more often, coincidently as I found myself falling more for Jax.
It is a disgusting sin echoed in my mind as I took gulps of my wine, washing down those demons to steady my breathing again. I smiled at Tom as if I was still paying attention to his work woes as I ridded myself of those thoughts.
I had been weak and ashamed back then. I still was. I’d been ashamed of the way I felt about Jax for weeks. Pushing down those emotions, telling myself she was just a friend despite knowing these feelings ran much deeper, like nothing I had ever felt before.
Love is between man and woman. My mind repeated the words drilled into me for years, and I drank more wine, in need of escape from my own past.
It didn’t matter how I felt about Jax, none of it did. I wasn’t supposed to feel that way. Those feelings weren’t normal. I wasn’t normal. She was better off without me.
“Would you like another?” Tom asked, pulling me from my thoughts. I looked down at my glass, seeing it was empty while Tom had half a pint of beer left. “You must have been thirsty.” He grinned, calling over a waitress.
The waitress approached, and as if on cue, Tom’s eyes raked her from head to toe, tapping into that shameless charisma. She masked a polite smile but side-eyed me, perhaps uncomfortable that she was being quite obviously ogled while I sat idly by. After taking the order, she left us, Tom studying her curves as she walked away.
I remembered this side of him. We’d fought about it all the time when we were together. He couldn’t help but look at anything with a heartbeat, and the constant flirting with every woman hadn’t helped either. Although I’d never vocalised it, I’d always wondered if Tom’s eyes could drift so easily, could he stray just as quickly?
“Ha. I know that look.” He grinned. “Still the jealous type, even after all these years.” He threw a wink at me before I felt his hand on my knee. The gnawing feeling shot up through my body again as I studied the hand, which he removed.
“I wouldn’t say jealous. I’d just rather you didn’t objectify women every ten minutes,” I said as the waitress came by with another round of drinks. “Like a quota.”
“Such a feminist now,” he said as I took a large gulp. “It’s sexy.”
I had always been a feminist. I’d just kept my mouth shut more when I was in my twenties. It was times like these when I wanted to confront Tom about what Cat had said. How he’d left me when he found out I was pregnant. When I’d asked why we’d broken up, he cited the breakdown in our relationship being because of clichés such as work, lack of communication, etc. Vague reasons that seemed to frequently change. It only made me think there was more that he was hiding.
“Drink up, we’re going to be late for dinner,” he said, reaching for his coat.
The wine had started to kick in as we left the pub and made our way out into the wintery night. The streets were busy as they normally were on a Friday night in Soho. People in suits fell out of bars while young couples wined and dined, and groups of students staggered their way in heels to a club. As I looked around the cobbled and bustling streets, I couldn’t help but feel out of place. The usual Friday night for me was sitting curled up with Jamie, eating takeout and drinking wine with Jax while watching the new Disney movie of the week until he fell asleep and we could put on Netflix. As boring as it sounded, it was something I looked forward to at the end of the working week.
Walking beside him, no doubt looking like any other couple, I couldn’t help but feel that meeting him was a mistake. The answers I thought I needed to know didn’t seem important anymore. And more importantly, the love I thought I’d feel for him was long gone. My gut feeling had been to cancel, and I should have done that rather than trying to please my mother. Tom was not the person I remembered, and I was not the person I used to be.
We were just walking past Soho Square Garden, and I was about to excuse myself when Tom grabbed my hand and stopped us in our tracks.
“Look.” He pointed to the sky. The moon was bright as it sat nestled amongst a handful of stars. “Look how orange the moon is.”
The volume and colour weren’t what surprised me. It was that I could see it at all in London. Usually, the stars and moon were disguised behind the amount of light pollution. It had been a long time since I’d witnessed a more beautiful evening. And to think, I was sharing it with the wrong person. The person I wasn’t in love with.
“It’s amazing.”
“No, you’re amazing.” Tom looked at me for a moment before he leaned in, and his lips grazed mine.
I was caught in shock when he kissed me, but by the time I realised what was happening, I became overwhelmed by something much more powerful. In that moment, everything came back to me in one striking jolt. I remembered each day from the last eight years, four months, and fifteen days. Every monumental piece of my life flooded back to me until the very second I’d stepped off the curb. Every happy moment and all the hard days, every laugh, every tear, and every smile replayed in my mind, reminding me of who I was. And more importantly, who I was not. Just as Greg had said, my memories would come back all at once, and all it took was a kiss.
The wrong kiss.
He pulled back and gazed into my eyes. I didn’t even register what had happened until the slapping sound echoed off the cobbled streets, and Tom let out a howl. My palm stung from where it had collided with his cheek, but God, it felt good.
“What was that for?” he cried, gripping his face.
“For being a misogynistic asshole,” I shouted as angry adrenaline spread throughout my chest. “For cheating on me five times, two of which were with my friends, as far as I can remember, and yes, you better believe I remember.” He gulped audibly. “For the three years I wasted with you, for the six months I cried over you, wondering why I wasn’t good enough.” And then I remembered. The memory caused me to shove him, and his back collided with a metal railing. “For trying to bully me into not going through with the pregnancy.” I stared at him with intense rage.
“You remember,” he whispered. And remember I did. He cowered away from my gaze. At least he felt remorse, not that it prompted any sort of sympathy. “I’m sorry, Elena. I never meant to hurt you.”
“You’re sorry? After all the horrible things you did to me, how could I ever forgive you?”
“I’m so sorry for everything. I was immature. Stupid,” he said, believably too. If I had been twenty-four again, maybe I would have listened. “I have never loved anyone like I love you, and I just want a chance to make it up to you. I just got you back after all these years, and I want to be the man you always thought I could be, for you and our son.”
“He was never your son.”
He looked stunned and a little outraged, as if maybe thinking I’d been unfaithful to him. Of course his mind would jump to that conclusion rather than really think about what it meant to be a parent.
“He was always Jax’s son. Every step of the way, she was there for him in a way you could never have even come close to. He may share DNA with you, but trust me, he is nothing like you.”
The thought of Jamie filled my mind and caused my heart to expand in my chest as I remembered the day he was born. The first time he’d wrapped his hand around my finger, his first steps, and his first words. All the memories I’d misplaced came rushing back as I looked one last time at Tom.
“And do not misunderstand, you will never meet him. You lost that right the day you said you wanted nothing to do with him.” He stared at me, disappointed, but I couldn’t care less. “I have to go.” I turned and started running.
Racing through the streets while crashing into passing pedestrians did nothing to slow me. I was a woman on a mission with my destination in sight.
* * *
&
nbsp; Jax
The TV was on, but no one was home. That was what Elena used to say whenever I’d stare off into space, deep in thought. My mind was elsewhere as I regretted everything over the last couple of months. I should have told her from the instant she’d woken up rather than lie to her for weeks. I should have been braver once she knew the truth, but the time to make a difference had already passed.
Jamie shifted against me, fast asleep. After checking the clock, I realised it was past his bedtime. Rising slowly from the couch, I carefully lifted him and moved toward his room to tuck him into bed.
“Good night, Jay,” I whispered with a kiss to his forehead before retreating.
As I closed his door, the apartment front door closed too. I didn’t bother to look back at Elena, too afraid Tom was with her. I walked toward my bedroom, unable to face her. I just wanted to be alone.
“Keelin?” Her voice was so small that I almost missed it. I hadn’t heard her say my name since…
I turned slowly, and the second I saw her, I knew it was my wife. She threw her keys in the bowl like she used to do, and before I even had a minute to register, she was running toward me. I closed the gap just as fast, and she jumped into my arms.
“I remember,” she whispered repeatedly in my ear.
I held on to her, resting my head in the crook of her neck, breathing her in. She held on just as tightly, most likely creating bruises until she pulled away. I didn’t realise I was crying until she wiped the tears from my face.
“I’m so sorry.” Tears filled her eyes.
Words couldn’t articulate the joy I felt as I leaned in and captured her lips. She kissed me with just as much passion. Her hands found their way into my hair, tugging slightly, as I gripped her hips and pulled her closer. Soft moans surrounded us, and occasionally, we’d break apart for air, but in those moments, she would look at me as if it was the first time she was seeing me. I guess, in a way, it was.
“How much do you remember?” I pulled back breathlessly.
“Everything,” she breathed, leaning her forehead against mine. “All of it came back in the blink of an eye. I’m sorry I didn’t remember.”
“No, I’m sorry,” I whispered. “I’m so sorry.”
“Why are you sorry? I should be the one apologising. After what I put you through?”
“No,” I tried, but the sobbing made it hard to get the words out.
“Keelin, what happened?” she asked, placing light kisses on my cheeks, removing the tears that had fallen, but more tears were en route as my emotions took over.
“I’m sorry for what I said to you. The last thing I said to you before…” My mind cast back to the moment that was still so prominent, the centre of all-consuming guilt that hadn’t left me for a moment.
“Jax?”
I stirred out of the exhaustion which had possessed my limbs.
“Jax, wake up. Keelin?” I opened my eyes to find Elena fully dressed in her navy suit, which I’d dubbed her “I need to make a good impression” attire. “Do you want me to take him?” she whispered, motioning to Jamie lying in my arms.
I had fallen asleep on the couch after coming home late from work. A ten-hour shift hadn’t ended with collapsing into bed like it should have. Jamie had caught a bug from school a few days ago, and it had been all hands on deck for another night of hourly puking.
“No, it’s okay,” I replied, lifting Jamie cautiously so as not to wake him.
I placed him in his bed and pulled a sheet over him to ensure his fever didn’t rise any higher. After checking his forehead, I felt a small touch of relief that his temperature had dropped compared to during the night. I pulled the basin closer to the side of his bed in case he was sick again before collecting the vomit-covered sheets and leaving his room. My vomit-stained scrubs were the first thing I shed as the smell of dried sick wafted every time my hair fell from behind my ear. I put the clothes and sheets in the washing machine before I dragged my exhausted body to bed for a quick nap before my next shift.
When I returned to the living room, I found Elena at the dining table typing on her laptop. I tried to bite back the frustration swimming to the surface at seeing her working yet again, but alas, my temper got the better of me.
“Elena, give it a rest. It’s the middle of the night,” I barked grumpily.
“It’s six a.m.,” she replied just as crabbily, failing to tear her eyes from the laptop. “I got nothing done yesterday with Jamie throwing up every ten minutes, and I have an investment meeting first thing.” She rubbed her forehead tiredly.
“I told you, surgery ran on.”
“That’s a first.” The sarcasm was evident, and I felt another argument brewing.
“Not now, okay. I’m running on about three hours of sleep.” I dragged my feet toward the bedroom.
“Well, you can catch up on it today when you’re watching him.”
“What?” I turned angrily to face her.
“Look at the state of him. He can’t go to school.”
“I’m back at the hospital at ten. I can’t stay home with him today.”
“I stayed home yesterday to take care of him, and I can’t miss another day at work.” She sighed as she closed the laptop and began packing up her work.
“So just like that, discussion over?”
“Yes. This is not up for debate. You’re watching him. I told you, I can’t afford to miss another day.”
“No, Elena, I can’t afford to miss work because people actually die when I’m not there.”
“Oh, I forgot your work is more important than mine.” She threw her hands up in the air dramatically. “Let me just get back in the kitchen to be a good little housewife, shall I?”
“That is not what I meant, and you know it.”
“My work is just as important as yours, Jax. And let’s not forget whose job contributes more to the bills.”
“And you never let me forget it,” I barked before her eyes sparked a fury she rarely unleashed.
“You know what, I really don’t have time to get into this argument again with you. Okay?” She let out an exacerbated sigh. “I can’t stay home another day, or I could lose my job, so you have to pick up the slack. And don’t even think of calling Caterina. I know she covered for you last week.”
“Why am I not surprised?” I rolled my eyes, feeling the betrayal. “Of course she would have told you. No secrets between you two. Heaven forbid she’d help me out without ratting me out. What do you want from me? I’m in my final year of residency, every surgery counts toward my finals, and if I don’t put in the hours—”
“This is such bullshit, Jax,” she shouted before adjusting her voice so as not to wake Jamie. “I’ve heard this speech a thousand times. It’s always been this way with you, even when you were interning, and it’ll be this way when you become an attending physician next year. Work always comes first, followed by us. I knew this even when I married you, but when it mattered, I thought you’d put us first.”
“I did,” I yelled back. “I was put forward for residency supervisor months ago, but I turned it down. For you, for Jamie, but it’s too much, it’s all just too much. I can’t do it anymore.”
“Do what?”
“This,” I shouted. “All of it. It’s already chaos with Jamie, do you really want to add another one?”
The air turned silent as Elena stared at me in almost horror. “What are you saying?”
Our hurtful words hovered in between us, making me feel as if I’d never been further away from her than where I was standing right now. Worlds apart. The silence lingered between us as we looked at each other like strangers.
“We’re supposed to be trying for another baby, and if you’re changing the game, you need to tell me right now, Keelin. Do you want more kids?”
I wanted to say yes, but the exhaustion made it impossible. Between double shifts, Elena’s promotion, paying the endless sea of bills, and Jamie’s bug for the last few days, every day was a
struggle with no end in sight. I was exhausted, losing myself and all memory of happiness. Even in the darkest of days, I’d always had Elena, my beacon of light. We were strong, at least we had been. Like an oak tree, but recently, the roots felt tired. Ties to the ground were fraying, and rather than stand tall in a storm, we were swaying and breaking down. Arguing every day or not speaking at all had its consequences. Disappointment and loneliness replaced the home of happiness and joy which had once flourished until eventually, I barely recognised the person lying beside me.
“Do you even want me?” she asked in a whisper.
That moment, that very second was my biggest regret of all. In that moment, I had stopped fighting for us. It was only for a second, in utter exhaustion, but I’d stopped fighting for us, something I’d agreed to do every day of my life when I’d said, “I do.” I’d watched her heart break in front of me and did nothing. My head had rolled forward tiredly into my waiting hands, my legs had swayed, and I was unable to look into her eyes.
And then she’d left.
“And you said,” she whispered now. The same heart-wrenching emotion I remembered so vividly appeared again. The look on her face that had caused me so much guilt warped her expression, and my tears began to fall freely.
“I didn’t know if I wanted more kids?” My voice trembled, and I tried to get the words out through my sobbing. “I was tired and angry, and I’m so sorry. I love Jamie more than life.” She wiped away my tears as my hands found her waist, urging her to listen. “Of course I want more of him, more little people just like you.”
“I know you do. It was just a fight.”
“I love you,” I said, looking deep into her eyes, willing her to listen. “I thought I’d lost you and I would never get to say it again. I love you so much. I have never for one second not wanted to be with you, and I’m sorry if you thought for even a fraction of a second that I didn’t want you. Want us, our family. And if it was because of what I said that you weren’t thinking and stepped off that curb…” I lost my voice.
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