She kissed me deeply, washing away my guilt. “It wasn’t you. I promise, you are not to blame. I remember why I was distracted on my way to work that morning,” she said. “It wasn’t because I thought you didn’t want me. It wasn’t you at all.” I stared at her as she took a deep breath as if readying herself. “Dr Shapora called me that morning. They’d received the sample from the donor. She’d said that when I was ready, I could arrange an appointment for insemination. I was so happy.” Her eyes lit up, turning glassy at the memory, and she gripped my forearms that were still glued to her waist. “That’s when I stepped off the curb.”
“We got the sample? We can have a baby?” I whispered in disbelief, my mind flashing back to the endless nights spent searching for the perfect donor. The countless disappointments of trying to get pregnant in the months leading up to Elena’s accident. “And that’s why you…”
“I was so happy, I forgot where I was and just walked. It was so stupid. So stupid. I don’t know what I was thinking.” She sighed before her frustration seemed to turn to elation, and her fingers laced in mine. “But we can do the insemination whenever we’re ready. And when I’m ovulating.” She held her breath for a moment. “That is, if we still want to.”
I captured her lips, unable to form words as she kissed me passionately back. “Of course I want to. I want everything with you.”
Her lips were on mine again as the back of my legs collided with the dining table. She pushed me onto the surface, causing her work files to fall onto the floor.
“Mum?” The small voice came from inside Jamie’s room, and we pulled apart, but Elena continued to stand close, still latching on to my shirt.
How could we forget? In our little reunion, we’d somehow forgotten about the most important person. The door creaked open, and Jamie appeared, squinting in the dimly lit living room. I couldn’t take my eyes off Elena as she stared at him as if he was on display in a museum. A prized possession too fragile to touch, and it seemed as if she was falling in love with him all over again.
“What’s going on?” he asked behind the hand shielding his eyes. His confused expression had me looking to Elena for an explanation, but she was speechless, seemingly in awe of him.
The tears were already forming in her eyes as I spoke for her. “Remember your birthday wish?”
Jamie thought for a beat before he gasped. Delight passed in front of his eyes, and he seemed to hold his breath as if unable to believe my words. His eyes met with Elena’s, and like me, he instantly knew. One look was all it took. It was bizarre. Elena had looked the same, with all her old mannerisms, but she hadn’t been herself, barely masking an imitation. The Elena who had been living with us for the last couple of months was a shadow of the woman I’d fallen in love with. Her eyes didn’t shine like they did now. That intoxicating happiness in her eyes was reserved for the love of her life, Jamie.
“Mummy?” he asked as he looked hopefully at Elena. Before she could respond, he was running toward her. She dropped to her knees as he fell into her arms, gripping her tightly.
Chapter Seventeen
A light kick to the stomach stirred me. I had to blink a couple of times to adjust to the sunshine streaming through the window. In all the commotion last night, we must have forgotten to close the blinds. Another kick came, this time nudging me in the thigh as I pulled back the covers to reveal the culprit.
Jamie slept a little restlessly, not surprising considering how late we’d stayed up last night, basking in our reunion. He was nestled up against Jax as both snoozed peacefully. It was rare to see them both so still and beautiful. Although they weren’t biologically related, the string of similarities made their bond irrefutable.
How had I not known them? How could I have forgotten who they were to me? Countless times, I’d almost uncovered their secret. For one, Jamie had my eyes and swarthy skin; he looked identical to my younger self. It was a little comical now in hindsight. The bills that had tumbled from the cupboard had mine and Jax’s name on them. I’d read the title of mortgage letters and bank statements addressed to both of us, but I’d never put two and two together. So what was my excuse? Was I really that oblivious, or was I just too scared to believe the obvious? It was not the first time I’d tried to hide from my feelings for Jax.
I thought back to the moment I knew I liked her, that I could fall in love with this woman. It was in New York, and even though my mind had gifted me with the memories of how we’d met and had spent two wonderful weeks together, the flashback had left something out. I had suppressed our final night together in the city that never slept. Now it made sense why I couldn’t recall the night we became more than friends.
“Wow, those whiskey sours were strong,” Jax said with a stumble into the elevator of our hotel. “Or was it the margaritas?”
“I think it was the tequila shots that tipped me into drunk territory,” I slurred as I leaned against the mirror in the lift while propping myself up on the railing.
“Oh no, we had tequila shots, didn’t we?” Jax asked. I couldn’t contain my giggling. “That’s it. I’m never drinking again.”
“You said that yesterday after the Brooklyn pub crawl,” I replied and watched as she slapped her head with her palm. “I thought the Irish could drink.”
“I’m half-Irish, and we can, just clearly not as well as the Italians. Don’t tell my ancestors.” I laughed as the elevator doors opened on my floor. “This is your stop.” She flashed a dazzling smile, casting a bit of a trance over me and resulting in a rather unflattering stumble. I almost fell, but she managed to catch me. “Maybe I should walk you to your door,” she said as her cool yet sweet breath lingered on my face, sending a wave of butterflies to my stomach.
“I tripped. I don’t need an escort,” I said as she walked down the hall with an arm of support around me. Feeling her arm around my waist sent shivers across my body as we both swayed down the long hallway. “You’re way more drunk than me.”
“I agree. But unlike you, I don’t like to wallow and heavy drink alone.” She smirked as we reached my room.
“I haven’t drunk alone in the last ten days, thanks to you. Oh, I still have a little bit of Scotch left. Care for a nightcap?” My speech slurred as I fumbled in my bag for the room key.
“Why break our nightcap tradition now? It is our last night.” She swayed on the spot before following me inside.
I threw my jacket onto the floor and staggered to the table where the fifth of whisky sat. Jax plonked onto the bed and let out a big sigh as if relishing the plush surface.
“I can’t believe we walked all the way from Greenwich Village. Why didn’t we just call a cab?” she asked as she lay at the foot of the bed.
“You said it was a great night for a stroll, and I think you wanted pizza,” I said as I poured two hefty measures of whisky into the complimentary plastic cups.
“That was good pizza.” She sat up when I sat next to her.
“The best pizza in all of New York.” I handed her a drink. “To pizza.” I toasted into the air, and she nudged her cup against mine, and we drank.
“I’m gonna miss this.” She looked at her cup. “Who would have thought the mean girl from JFK would turn out to be such a cool dude?”
“Who would have thought Eavesdropper Sally would turn out to be…well, you’re just okay.” She elbowed me, causing my giggling to return. “I’m kidding. It’s been a blast, Jax. I mean, my life savings are shot…”
“Completely annihilated,” she said for me as I looked at her. Her glassy eyes still shimmered despite the amount of alcohol we’d both had as she swept her wavy hair back behind her ear. “But it’s been a lot of fun.”
A new air surrounded us as she looked at me, really looked at me, and it was like she could see everything. The intensity should have scared me, but it didn’t. In fact, it awoke something in me that I had been feeling since the moment I’d met her. A strange tug had been pulling us slowly together for days. In this light,
her blue eyes were captivating, darting between my eyes and lips. She looked as if she was about to say something, but I couldn’t let her take away this moment. I reached up to her cheek and revelled at the softness in my hand. Her eyes connected with mine in surprise, but she leaned into the touch, telling me she wanted this as much as I did.
To my surprise, she closed the gap before I could. Her lips grazed mine, sending a jolt throughout my body. Scotch lingered on her lips, acting as an encouragement to deepen the kiss further.
There was nothing slow about this kiss. The more my hands roamed, the more hurried we became. My breathing was ragged, out of control. The moment I felt her hand on my thigh, I knew I wanted more, and next thing I knew, I was straddling her hips as my black dress crept up increasingly high. I wouldn’t have noticed if Jax’s hands weren’t hot on the exposed skin, like a fire moving across my thighs. I clawed at her back and neck as she quickly removed her jacket before kissing me again. A fire was growing in the pit of my belly and, more importantly, between my legs as her hands explored my body. I started to unbutton her shirt, but as I got about halfway down, I heard her voice.
“Wait.” I barely heard it as I continued to kiss her neck, but the second time she spoke, her voice was clearer. “Elena, wait.”
I pulled back, panting, a dark shade of desire in her eyes connected with mine. The sight alone caused another wave of arousal. My lipstick was smeared on her swollen lips, and her hair was a little wild as she looked up at me. I thought she was going to capture my lips again and with any luck, rip off my clothes, but something changed. Her face softened. We were caught up in a moment earlier, but now, the way she stared made me feel so vulnerable. Like she could really see me. See everything I’d tried for years to hide.
“I like you.” Her words were barely a whisper, pure and full of truth. “I really like you.”
Those words caused my heart rate to accelerate because the truth was, I liked her too. Jax was just braver. My mind raced through the declaration, and it overwhelmed me. Optimistically, I thought we could make this work. We both lived in London, we were both single, and she made me happy. The only thing stopping this fairy tale from becoming a reality was…everything.
The pressure of the meaning behind those words became unbearable, causing a swirl of emotions inside my stomach. The vulnerability in her voice made me feel sick as guilt washed over me. I couldn’t be the person she wanted. I was damaged.
In a flash, I climbed off her and moved to the table to steady myself. “Why’d you have to ruin it, Jax?” I said angrily, taking a swig of whisky.
“What?” The confusion in her voice only filled me with more frustration.
“I told you, I’m not gay. Why couldn’t you just fuck me without making a big deal out of it?”
“Because I would never use you like that.” The way she delivered that line, I knew my words had hurt her. She wasn’t using me. I was using her. The raw, choppy sea of emotion in the room made me feel as if I was drowning, meaning that Jax was forced to break the silence.
“I get that you’re scared, but I know you feel the same way.”
“You don’t understand. My parents would flip if they found out I was doing this again.” I yanked the lid from the whisky and guzzled it straight from the bottle.
“Again?” Jax asked as I winced, not just from the burning liquid sliding down my throat but also from the overshare.
“It doesn’t matter. You should go.” I took another swig, keeping my back turned as I tried to force down the dark demons from my past.
“I’m not leaving you like this.” Her voice was a whisper but startled me as I realised she was right behind me.
She touched my shoulder, and the warmth caused me to turn to her. Once my eyes collided with hers, I felt it again, that magnetic pull. Everything about her pulled me in. From the moment I met her and every minute we’d spent together over these last few days.
We had been forced into a circumstance when our flights were cancelled as a result of the Icelandic ash cloud. To anyone else, it was a nightmarish inconvenience, but I’d never been happier. I’d never laughed so much or had more fun or as many thought-provoking conversations with anyone. She challenged me in ways no one ever had, and she did it with a smile I couldn’t help but return. Every time Jax smiled at me, my body tingled with warmth. Like she was heating up my cold heart frozen from years in the dark. Years of feeling as if I didn’t deserve what others called love. Slowly but surely, and without me even noticing, she found her way behind my walls, making me feel something that I swore I would never feel for another woman.
“It’s too much. I can’t do this.” My voice cracked as I fought back tears. Jax’s eyes gave away her heartache as she moved closer and soothingly rubbed my bare arms.
“It’s okay to feel this way, Elena.” She watched me intently, and I knew then I could very easily fall in love with her. Perhaps I already had. That thought alone terrified me. Jax was getting too close. Pushing her away was best, best for everyone.
“I don’t feel anything for you.” I pulled my arms forcefully away. “I don’t even like you like that.” The hurt in her eyes was gut-wrenching, but I persisted heartlessly. “I have a boyfriend, okay?”
“You don’t even love him. Those are your words.” Her brow crinkled. “Talk to me, Elena. This isn’t like you.” She tried to step forward, but I took another step back.
“You don’t know me. You’ve known me a week, Jax. You know nothing about me.”
“I know you feel something for me,” she replied honestly. “Why are you being like this?”
“Because I’m fucking broken, okay?” I grabbed the bottle of whisky, needing the distraction. “Is that what you want to hear?”
“You are not broken. I can help you.”
“The only thing I needed help with was a good screw. But seeing as that’s sure as hell not gonna happen anymore, you should just go.” She didn’t budge. It was what forced me to hurt her as much as I did. “Look, it’s been fun. We laughed, we drank, but now it’s over. Tomorrow, we both go back to our separate lives and forget this ever happened.”
The look on her face was like a dagger to the chest. She picked up her jacket and walked straight out of my room without a final word. With the loud bang, tears began to fall freely and I collapsed onto the bed.
I had been so afraid to love her. How I’d felt about her had scared me so much, I’d run back to a man I’d never loved. I was terrified to the point where I spent the next two years in a long-distance relationship with someone who treated me like shit because that was easier than facing what I was really feeling. Being alone meant I’d have to face my feelings, feelings that were unnatural and perverse. At least, that was what had been continuously drilled into me.
I had always been attracted to men and women. In fact, I had been in love with one of my best friends. We were fifteen, she was the prettiest girl in my class, and although all of the boys tried to court her, she would spend her Friday nights with me. One day, my parents caught us in my bedroom. They were furious. The very next day, I was put on a plane and sent to a boarding school in the midlands of England.
Well, boarding school was where I’d told my sister I was. It was hard to believe St Catherine’s Boarding House was allowed to call itself a school at all. During my three years of residency, I’d learned the ins and outs of conversion therapy, which, as anyone could imagine, had a damaging impression on my life.
Only after years of actual therapy in my late twenties did I come to terms with what I had gone through. How the nuns at the boarding house had taken great pleasure in lecturing me in all the ways my thoughts were disgusting and shameful. The classes I had been forced to sit through, describing what “normal” and “acceptable” sexual relationships were. The years of verbal abuse were what forced me to bury such a huge part of myself for so long. That was where I spent some of my most vital teenage years until I’d turned eighteen and I got the hell out of there.
I went to university, returning to civilisation, and hoped I would forget all about St Catherine’s. But by then, the damage had already been done. St Catherine’s followed my every step and repeatedly “scared” me into staying put in toxic relationships. For so many years, I’d never explored those feelings again until someone had finally taken the time to see past the façade I’d spent years building.
Even after I’d learned the truth about who Jax and Jamie were to me, I still couldn’t accept the facts. Living with amnesia, I found myself so disconnected from my current life because twenty-four-year-old Elena could never fathom being happily married to a woman. The years of therapy had helped me to accept myself, and I’d slowly learned to stop being afraid of disappointing my parents. I’d stopped pleasing others and allowed myself to become the person I wanted to be.
A smile crept onto my face as I watched Jax sleep. I wondered, would I have ever truly accepted myself if it hadn’t been for her? I was a different person in 2010. Jax barely knew me, and even then, it was a scratch to the surface. I didn’t even know who I was. So full of shame and unsure of myself. It was why Jax had treaded lightly during these last few months, never pushing the boundaries without being certain I was comfortable. It was why I fell in love with her in the first place. Despite all my self-loathing, she was still able to see the real me.
* * *
Jax
My eyes slowly fluttered open, and I caught Elena watching me. A small blush crept onto her face, and I remembered that she was herself again. Lying in our bed, I finally breathed a sigh of relief, knowing that I was home again. Her memories had come rushing back last night, restoring our family.
“Hey, beautiful.” I smiled but tried not to move to avoid waking Jamie.
“Hi.” She sighed as her eyes glistened with tears.
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