But the seconds tick by, and he doesn’t say anything. I glance down at him to find his eyes closed, but there’s too much tension in his face for him to truly be asleep. Maybe I should be grateful for his avoidance. Maybe we can pretend this didn’t happen and find our way back to casual. Something tells me it can’t possibly be that easy though. There’s no way back from here, not without broken hearts.
Eventually, his body relaxes against mine, his breathing growing deep and even as he falls into sleep. I lay awake and count the ceiling tiles until the sun starts to come up, only then do my heavy eyelids finally fall closed for a few hours of fitful sleep.
Chapter 27
Elijah
Time is an illusion. According to quantum physics it’s a relative concept. And I can now confirm that it absolutely ceases to exist when you’re mired in doubt about a relationship, watching your phone for any form of contact from the other person.
I haven’t heard from Pax since we got back from Wisconsin last weekend. He said he had off work until after the new year. Stupidly, I thought that might mean he’d want to hang out more, but I’ve spent the past week alone in my apartment with hardly a single text, driving myself crazy replaying that pivotal moment in my mind where it all went wrong.
I love you.
The words echo in my mind over and over, followed by the deafening silence I gave him in reply. The problem is, I don’t even know if he’s avoiding me because he said those words or because I didn’t say them. I pretended to be asleep, and then I snuck out of bed as soon as the sun came up. I don’t blame Pax for not wanting to talk to me after that.
Theo would know what to do, but I can’t call him about this. If I’d told him about this thing with Pax from the start maybe it would be fine, but now there would be too many questions, too much to explain. And considering it’s starting to feel like whatever it was between us is over, it would be unnecessary angst to tell Theo about it now.
There’s only one other person who might have some insight, so I pick up my phone and make the call.
“Hey!” Alex answers enthusiastically.
“Hey,” I say. “How, um, how’ve your holidays been?”
“Ugh, I’m ready to get back to school.”
I find myself relaxing, a small smile forming on my lips. “I can relate.”
“So, what’s up? You must have called for a reason, right? I mean, who makes phone calls anymore?” There’s a light teasing in his voice.
“I’m sorry, should I not have called?” My stomach squirms, and I bite my bottom lip. This is why making friends is so hard—there are always rules I don’t know about.
“I was kidding; you can totally call. I was only curious if there was a reason or if you just missed me like crazy and absolutely had to hear my voice.”
I chuckle, some of the tension easing out of my stomach. “I kind of need advice.”
“About that sexy man of yours?” he guesses.
“Yeah.”
“I’m listening.”
“Okay.” I take a deep breath, trying to think of where exactly to start. “I spent Christmas with his family and things have been weird since then. Actually, things were weird for about two weeks before that.”
“Define weird,” he prompts.
“He’s hardly been texting me; we used to text every day. And for a little while there it was like he wanted to see me as much as possible, now he’s avoiding me like the plague. God, saying it out loud it’s so obvious. He’s bored with me, right? We weren’t dating so there’s no breakup—it’s just over.”
“Maybe, but hold on, I feel like I’m missing something. Did anything else happen or he just all the sudden started being the Ice Man?”
“On Christmas he kind of, um, well, he said he loved me,” I confess.
“Way to bury the lead on that one,” Alex grumbles. “And you said it back, then what happened?”
“No, I didn’t,” I correct.
“What?”
“It was right after…you know. I wasn’t sure if it was a chemical reaction in his brain or a test or what. And it caught me off guard. I didn’t know what to say.”
“All right, we can fix this,” he assures me.
The sound of my door buzzer startles me into nearly dropping my phone. My heart jumps into my throat as I set my book down and hop off the couch to hit the button, knowing it can only be Pax.
“Oh my god, I think he’s here.”
“Pax?” Alex asks.
“Yeah, I can’t think of who else would show up unannounced.”
“Okay, listen, he’s probably feeling vulnerable, so he’s either going to act like nothing ever happened and try to fuck you to prove to both of you that nothing has changed,” he advises.
“Or?” I prompt.
“Or, he’s going to try to break things off.”
“What do I do if it’s the second option?” We said this was casual way back when it first started, but it doesn’t feel so casual anymore. It makes sense that Pax would pull back. I broke the rules. We both did.
“Do you want to be with him?” Alex asks.
“Yeah.”
“Are you in love with him?”
I swallow around the lump in my throat and nod my head, realizing a second later that Alex can’t see me. “Y-yeah.”
“Then don’t let him go. Tell him how you feel. He feels vulnerable, so you need to even the playing field and make yourself vulnerable too.”
“You think that’ll work?” I ask, clutching my phone harder. The buzzer sounds again, and I finally cross the room to press the button to let him in.
“I don’t know, but it’s the best advice I have.”
“Ugh, this is so much more complicated than rocket science,” I groan.
“Tell me about it,” he chuckles.
“Okay, wish me luck.”
“Good luck,” Alex says, and then we both hang up.
I put my phone away and smooth my hands over my shirt as I listen for the sound of his heavy footfalls coming up the stairs, my stomach twisting itself in knots. When he comes into view at the top of the staircase, his shoulders are more slumped than usual, his expression uncharacteristically tight.
“Pax, is everything okay?” I ask, stepping aside to let him in. Is that why he hasn’t been texting all week? Did something happen? Or was Alex right? Is this all about him feeling too vulnerable?
“Hey, Einstein,” he greets me with a weak smile, pulling me in for a hug as soon as he reaches me. “I know I showed up unannounced, but do you mind if I come in for a few minutes?”
“Of course.” I step aside to let him in. “Is everything okay?” I ask again since he didn’t answer the first time.
“Yeah, I just wanted to talk.”
My stomach sinks. That doesn’t sound great. Not that I have a lot of relationship experience, obviously, but I’m pretty sure “we have to talk” is never good.
“Um…yeah…of course.” I wave him over to the couch, gathering up my mess of notes and putting them on the coffee table so he’ll have somewhere to sit.
Pax
My stomach twists, and my heart hammers against my ribs as I watch Elijah scurry around, clearing a space for me to sit and then rushing off to the kitchen to get me a drink I didn’t ask for. He tugs at the hem of his shirt and runs his hands through his hair, as twitchy and nervous as a rabbit. A damn adorable rabbit that I can’t stop wanting to touch and kiss and fucking be with. But I have to.
He tries to move past me again; I didn’t even hear whatever the excuse was this time, what he claimed to need from somewhere else in the shoebox sized apartment. I snag his bicep as he tries to pass, giving myself one last second to appreciate the heat of his skin, the smoothness of it under my fingertips. I look down into his eyes as he uses his free hand to push his glasses up his nose.
“I’m not boyfriend material, Einstein,” I confess.
“What do you mean?” he asks, looking up at me with a soft, innocent ex
pression.
“I mean,” I sigh, running my free hand through my hair. “I’m gone all the time for work. I had this boyfriend a couple of years ago. He was a great guy, and I liked him a lot. He was always telling me how much it sucked that I traveled so much, and I kept promising that I’d get a promotion soon and wouldn’t have to travel anymore. But the thing was, I didn’t want that promotion, and I didn’t want to be stuck in the same office Monday through Friday. I like that I travel most weeks.”
Elijah shrugs. “I don’t mind if you travel. Honestly, it’s kind of perfect for me. Not that I don’t like having you around, but I also really like my own space and time to myself.”
My heart fills with hope, but I’m afraid to believe in it. “I cheat,” I tack on what I’m sure will be the nail in the coffin of this whole idea of a proper relationship. “I’m not proud of it, and I know it makes me the scummiest guy alive, but I cheated on more than one boyfriend before I gave up and accepted the fact that I’m not boyfriend material.” I stress the last three words again, hoping he’ll get it, hoping he’ll agree with me and tell me to leave before we both get hurt. But also hoping he won’t. “I don’t want to hurt you, Nerdlet. I’d never forgive myself.”
He studies me for several long moments, his expression not giving anything away.
“Do you want to be with other people?” he finally asks.
My heart stutters at the thought, my entire body recoiling at the very idea of it. Of course I don’t want anyone else.
“No,” I answer easily.
“Okay, well if that changes, talk to me about it, and we’ll figure it out. You can’t cheat if I don’t have any expectations,” he reasons.
“But that’s the thing.” I cup his face between my hands, my heart beating so hard I’m sure it’s going to burst out of my chest. “I want you to have expectations. You deserve to have expectations.”
“I deserve to be with the person I want to be with,” he counters. “I’m sorry I didn’t say it on Christmas, but I was scared and a little confused. But I love you, Paxton Reynolds. I don’t want anyone else. I haven’t even noticed anyone else in my entire life. I want to be with you, and if that means making compromises about other people in the future, or missing you during the week, or whatever other excuse you’re going to throw at me, I don’t care. It’s all worth it if it means I can be with you.”
“Elijah,” I breathe out his name like a prayer, losing the will to argue. I want this more than I’ve ever wanted anything, even in the face of all the fear.
His gaze holds mine, full of the confidence I knew was inside him all along. My chest warms all the way through to my soul knowing that I helped him find that confidence. And then, just like that first night at Alex’s party, he doesn’t give me a choice. He loops his arms around my neck and presses his lips to mine. I thread my fingers through his hair and pull him fully against me, ready for the first time for the explosion we create.
I drag my teeth along his bottom lip and then slip my tongue into his mouth, kissing him deep and long, this time not shying away from the feeling that expands in my chest, warm and fuzzy and too big to be contained inside me.
“I fucking love the hell out of you, Einstein.”
“Does that mean we’ve upgraded from casual?” he asks with a grin, his nose brushing against mine, his warm breath fanning over my damp lips.
“We’ve upgraded,” I agree. “We’ve got the premium package now, which includes overnight stays and all kinds of expectations.”
“I can live with that,” he agrees. “Will you stay the night tonight?”
“Try to get me to leave.” I smirk, and he laughs, his chest vibrating against mine as I hold him tighter.
“So…do you want to go to bed?” he asks slyly.
“You read my mind, Nerdlet.”
Chapter 28
Elijah
I startle awake from a dream about being buried alive. The reason for the dream is immediately clear when I realize there’s a mountain of sweaty, heavy man on top of me. Not just any man, my boyfriend. I smile, even as I struggle to roll the mountain of snoring human flesh off of me. I’m waking up next to my boyfriend.
I manage to slip out from underneath him, grabbing my underwear off the floor where they ended up once we got into bed last night. I smile at the memory, a slight ache still in my backside as a souvenir. Pulling them on, I make my way to the bathroom to pee and brush my teeth. I know Pax doesn’t think I wake up minty fresh, but this is a new relationship; we can keep some magic in it for a little while. Once I’m clean and smelling nice, I climb back into bed and wiggle into his arms again.
“Mmph,” he mumbles. “Don’t get up.”
“I’m not. I’m getting back into bed,” I assure him.
“Good, stay.” He tightens his arms around me and pulls me against him, pressing his face into the crook of my neck and inhaling deeply.
We lay like that for a while, half awake, half asleep, trading lazy kisses every so often as the sun rises higher outside the window.
My stomach growls eventually, and Pax finally opens his eyes fully.
“I guess I’d better feed you. Sorry, I’m pretty rusty at this boyfriend thing. You’ll have to remind me if you need regular walks or anything.”
I chuckle and bite his shoulder playfully.
“I’m fully capable of feeding myself, so you can cross that off your list of boyfriend duties. I was just too comfortable in bed with you to bother with breakfast.”
“That’s understandable,” he agrees with a yawn. “Why don’t we go out for breakfast?”
“Sounds good, but five more minutes of cuddling first,” I negotiate, and Pax laughs.
“Five more minutes,” he agrees.
It’s well past breakfast by the time we drag ourselves out of bed.
“How about a shower?” Pax suggests.
“What? Together?”
“Yes, together,” he says with a smirk. “It’s a very boyfriend thing to do.” The way he purrs the word makes me wonder if he likes it as much as I do. I know he said he loves me, but it’s hard to believe it’s really true, that after all the years of wanting and everything that’s happened that he really wants me as much as I want him. How long will he feel this way? What if he gets sick of me in a week or a month? My heart climbs into my throat, making it hard to breathe. How do people do this? All the uncertainty that comes along with relationships is excruciating.
Pax rounds the bed and drops a kiss against my lips. “Don’t overthink it, Nerdlet. This is all good; let’s enjoy it.”
“Yeah,” I agree, smiling up at him. “But my shower’s pretty small.”
“That’s half the fun,” he assures me with a wink.
I slide my underwear down and toss them into my hamper and then follow Pax into the bathroom. He already has the shower running, and I eye the small space, more than certain that we’re not both going to fit comfortably, but if Pax wants to try, I’m always up for an interesting experiment. Particularly the kind of experiment that has Pax and I naked together.
Once the water’s warm, we step inside, water immediately hitting me square in the face as we both try to maneuver our way in.
“Shit,” he mutters, reaching up to adjust the shower head while I shove my head under his arm to keep from being drowned. “That’s better,” he declares, and I peek my head out to find out. I’m no longer being waterboarded, so that’s an improvement, but Pax is pressed up against one wall while I’m squished against the other, our bodies flush against each other.
“Told you it was small.”
“And I told you that was half the fun,” he says, looking down at me with a grin before reaching for my bottle of body wash on the shelf. He pours some into his hands and then rubs them together to lather them up. “See, now I get to put my hands all over you with the excuse of washing you.”
“Ah, yes, I can see the genius in this plan.”
Pax takes his time washing me thor
oughly, making sure every inch of me is spotless, particularly between my butt cheeks.
“Stop teasing,” I complain, pressing my hardening cock against his thigh.
“Not my fault you’re insatiable,” he replies demurely.
“I’m insatiable?” I scoff. “I seem to remember someone waking me up twice in the middle of the night, grinding his thick, hard erection against me,” I remind him, dropping my voice low and running my hands over his chest and down his stomach.
“Now who’s teasing?” he points out.
“Both of us, I guess.”
Washing each other turns into hurried, slippery hand-jobs before we make it out of the shower and manage to get dressed.
“There’s a little diner down the street that serves breakfast all day—want to walk there?” he suggests.
“Anywhere with food sounds good to me,” I assure him.
Pax laces his fingers through mine as we step out onto the sidewalk, the January morning cool, even in California. The gesture is so simple, but it feels like it speaks volumes. He’s not trying to hide us, even in front of strangers who may be homophobic assholes.
“What?” he asks, noticing my gaze on our linked hands.
“Nothing.” I shrug, letting my happiness shine through my smile. Pax grins and tugs me forward for another kiss. I’m starting to think he likes kissing me just as much as I like kissing him. Butterflies invade my stomach, and my heart trips over its own beats as I kiss him back, basking in the pure happiness of simply being with him.
“I love you, Pax.”
“I love you,” he murmurs back against my lips.
My stomach growls again, and we both laugh. “Come on, let’s get you food before you start gnawing on my arm.”
Pax
The waitress at the diner doesn’t even blink when we order coffee and breakfast food, even though it’s well into the afternoon.
“Can I ask you a question?” Elijah asks once our order is placed and the waitress is gone.
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