Pillar of Light

by Gerald N. Lund

“Nathan!” Matthew exploded. “It’s Nathan.”

  Young Joshua was just coming out of the house with some winter clothing. “Papa?” he said, squinting in the same direction. Then with a squeal he dropped his load onto the porch. “Papa! Papa!”

  He darted to the door and yanked it open. “Mama! Mama! Papa’s home!” And with that he was gone, racing down the road toward the approaching wagons.

  Derek leaped down to stand beside Rachel. “Look, there’s Uncle Joshua and Aunt Caroline too.”

  Rachel started jumping up and down. “And Olivia. There’s Olivia.”

  “Yes.” Derek turned as Lydia came bursting out of the house. “Nathan’s home,” he called, “and he’s brought company.”

  The moment Joshua climbed into the wagon, he knew Caroline was still awake. The children were sleeping inside the house—Olivia with Rachel and Emily, Savannah with little Nathan—but there were already wall-to-wall Steeds when it came to sleeping, so Joshua and Caroline insisted on sleeping in one of the wagons they had brought up from St. Louis.

  After she had gotten Savannah asleep, Caroline excused herself and came out to the wagon, claiming exhaustion from the seven-day trip. But Joshua knew better. Caroline was not exhausted. Caroline was angry—very angry—and now, as he carefully stepped through the canvas, he knew she was still awake. And still angry.

  It had all started at supper. A joyous mood filled the crowded room. Olivia talked excitedly with her cousins. Savannah sat on Grandpa’s lap and refused to be moved. Caroline and the women gathered in close to share all the news. The men moved off to another corner to catch Joshua up on the move to Commerce. It was then that Matthew announced the news. He and Derek had been called to England. It was like a bucket of ice water in the face and Joshua reacted instantly. He couldn’t believe what he was hearing. They didn’t even have homes and they were talking about leaving the family and going on missions? That was nothing short of sheer, unadulterated stupidity.

  His blunt, unbending words dashed the festive mood in an instant. Caroline tried to warn him off, first with her eyes and then with the tart suggestion that this was really none of their affair. That only galled him the more. He had let Nathan persuade him to come north to discuss the possibility of a family business. And now half the family was leaving? He felt disgusted and betrayed.

  Mary Ann eventually managed to change the subject, and the conversation limped on to safer things. But the moment Savannah was asleep, Caroline was gone. Joshua deliberately waited for a time, hoping that if he stalled long enough, Caroline would be asleep. It hadn’t worked.

  He sat down heavily on a wooden chest and started to pull off his boots. She was barely visible in the darkness. “All right, let’s hear it.”

  For several moments it was silent, then, “I said my piece inside.”

  “No,” he said wearily, “you only said half of what’s on your mind.” He could hear her breathing—shallow, rapid. Angry! He hadn’t seen her this angry in a long time. “Well, it is pure folly,” he snapped. “What’s next? Nathan going back to Canada? Pa going off to India or some such place? Why don’t they just call Peter too? Young Joshua, for that matter. They may as well take every Steed male in sight and send them away.”

  “And what if they do?” she flung back at him. “What business is that of yours? Your family happens to believe in their God. And their belief is strong enough that it moves them to action. That’s what’s bothering you. It’s not that they’re leaving. It’s that they’re being good Mormons again.”

  “Oh, come on, Caroline, that’s got nothing to do with it, and you know it. Here they are. They don’t even have a home. They’re leaving tomorrow to move north. To what? To nothing! Rebecca is with child, and they want Derek to leave as soon as the baby’s born? Some prophet that asks that of his people.”

  “Again I say, it is their life. This is not our affair and you had no right to tear into them like that. You were abominable to act that way.”

  He slammed a boot down. “That’s right, it is their choice. And it’s my choice whether or not I come up here and try to set up a business in company with my family. You think about that. All these highfalutin promises to get me up here, then bang! every one of them up and leaves.”

  “Oh,” she said with withering scorn, “did I miss something in there? I heard about Derek and Matthew. Who else is leaving?”

  “No one for now,” he flung back at her. “Can you guarantee me they won’t get called too? Nathan? Pa?”

  She rose up on one elbow. “Look, Joshua, you have never wanted to live among the Mormons. That’s the real reason behind all this. It has nothing to do with England or missionaries or anything else. You’ve just been looking for the right excuse and now you’ve found it. What you really ought to do is go back in there and thank them.”

  He jumped up, banging his head on one of the hoops that held the canvas in place. Swearing, he dropped down again and grabbed his boots. “I can’t reason with you. I’m going for a walk.” He stuffed his foot into one boot, not caring whether it was the right foot or not, and started yanking it on.

  Caroline sat up. She watched him until both boots were back on and he stood. There was a sudden pleading in her voice now. “Joshua, they haven’t tried to make you into a Mormon. No one in your family is waving the Book of Mormon at me. So why are you so dead set against them? Why are you trying to make them believe like you do?”

  His mouth opened, then he clamped it shut again. He was fuming, too angry to speak. He climbed out onto the wagon seat and hopped down. “Don’t wait up for me,” he hurled back over his shoulder, then stalked away.

  “Joshua?”

  Stopping, he did not turn.

  “I checked with the bank in St. Louis before we left. I have all that money I got from the settlement in Savannah.”

  He spun around in spite of himself, caught totally by surprise by this turn in her thoughts. When Caroline Mendenhall had agreed to marry him back in Savannah three years ago, in return for selling her house and a promise to leave the city she had gotten a healthy settlement from the dishonest business partners of her first husband. The total had been twenty thousand dollars. Joshua maintained that it was her money and he refused to take any part of it. He didn’t want her to ever think his love for her had anything to do with her finances. He once thought of investing it for her, but even that might be seen as though he was trying to benefit from it, so he finally put it in the bank and let it sit. He hadn’t thought about it for several months. Her bringing it up was like a bolt of lightning out of a clear summer sky.

  “Yes?” he said cautiously.

  “When we return, I’ll be taking it out and investing it in that store Nathan talked about.”

  He nearly choked. “Are you serious?” he finally managed.

  Suddenly she was standing at the opening in the canvas. “You still don’t understand, do you?”

  “Understand what?” He was groping, trying to see ahead to where she was going.

  “This isn’t about a store. And it isn’t about starting a business. It’s about family. Your family. Because I don’t have family. Our children don’t have any cousins or aunts and uncles or grandparents except yours. I thought you understood that. I thought that was why you agreed that this is what we should do. And the whole time, all you can think about is the Mormons and missionary work.”

  He didn’t answer.

  “Well, obviously, I was wrong. I didn’t understand you as well as I thought I did.” He could see her straighten visibly and her voice became tight and hard. “And obviously you don’t understand me. So I’ll say this as straight and honestly as I know how. I’ll be taking that money and helping Nathan and Lydia start their store. I’ll have to hold some out. The girls and I will need a home of our own. But the rest will go to Nathan and Lydia.”

  “You and the girls?” Her words were pummeling him now.

  It was as though he hadn’t spoken. “I’ll go back with you to St. Lou
is long enough to get my money and what few things I need. Then I’ll be coming up. And I’ll not be staying in Quincy either. I’m going wherever the family is going.”

  There was a soft creak from the wagon, and he realized that she was no longer standing in the opening. “Caroline—,” he started, taking a step forward. But she was back inside again. For almost a minute he stood there, staring at the closed wagon flap. Finally, he turned and walked slowly away.

  It was after midnight when Joshua returned. He moved up softly and stopped, listening. There was no sound. Behind him, the house was completely dark. He sat down on the grass and pulled off his boots. He unbuttoned his shirt and removed that too. Finally, he moved to the wagon and climbed up into it as carefully as he could. He set his clothes down in one corner and, moving very slowly, climbed into bed.

  The moment he lay down, he sensed she was still awake. He didn’t say anything, just turned on one side, facing her. After a moment, she turned also, and slid into his arms. He held her then, neither of them speaking.

  Finally, when he felt the wetness against his shoulder, he reached up and brushed at her hair. “I’m sorry, Caroline.”

  He felt her head nod against him. Then after another long time, she looked up at him. “You know I would never leave you, don’t you?”

  “Yes.” Which was mostly a lie. Her words earlier had been terribly convincing.

  “I couldn’t bear it,” she whispered, then snuggled in against him. In a few minutes, her breathing slowed, then deepened into sleep. When she stirred and half rolled away from him, murmuring softly, he slipped his arm carefully out from under her head, pulled the blanket up around her shoulders, and kissed her softly on the cheek. She didn’t stir. He lay down again, turning onto his back. It was a long time before Joshua’s eyes closed and he stopped staring up at the canvas that arched over the two of them.

  By seven o’clock, the Steed family were up and going. The beds which filled the floors during the night were folded up and put away, and they were in the midst of preparing their last breakfast in this house. Grandpa was supervising the children in some last-minute packing.

  When the door to the house opened and Caroline and Joshua stepped inside, every head came around. It was as though some unseen magician waved his wand over the room and instantly froze everyone in position. The children’s eyes grew wide and the tension in the room shot up like a Chinese rocket.

  Joshua and Caroline stood there for a moment, knowing the reaction their entry had caused, then Caroline smiled. “Good morning,” she said cheerfully. Joshua had one hand on her shoulder and she reached up and laid her hand over it. “How is everyone this morning?”

  It was as if a fresh breeze swept through the cabin. “Fine.” “Good morning.” “Good morning, Mama.” It came out in a chorus of relief.

  Mary Ann put down a fork and came over to Caroline. She gave her a quick hug. “Good morning. Did you—” She had started to say, Did you sleep well? but opted for a safer question. “Are you two hungry?”

  Caroline smiled. “Starving!”

  “Good. It’s almost ready.”

  Joshua raised his hands. “I have something to say,” he said solemnly. He laughed as everyone tensed again. “We may as well get this over with. Then we can get on with the day without all of you feeling like you have to walk on eggshells around me. I . . . I want to apologize for last night. I acted”—he glanced briefly at Caroline—“abominably. What I said about the missions, well—” He stopped again, looking around the room, suddenly realizing that not everyone was there. “Where’s Derek and Matthew?”

  “Gone to get some milk from up the road.”

  “Great!” he groaned. “The two who most need to hear this.”

  “Go on,” Caroline prodded gently.

  “Well, I’m sorry for what I said. It was rude and uncalled for. And basically, it’s not any of my business if Derek and Matthew leave.”

  Jessica nodded quickly, greatly satisfied. What she had seen last night had been shades of the old Joshua Steed and it had deeply upset her. Benjamin relaxed, nodding slowly.

  “You were just tired,” Mary Ann said. “You had a long journey.”

  Joshua smiled at that, as did several others. How like their mother, always looking for the best in people. Now Joshua seemed a little less sure of himself. “Caroline and I have been talking.” He looked at Nathan. “I won’t be able to invest with you and Lydia in the store.”

  Nathan’s shoulders visibly sagged. Lydia’s countenance fell. “Oh.”

  “I really wanted to, but someone else beat me to it.”

  Bewildered, Lydia looked back and forth between Joshua and Caroline. Caroline was smiling broadly now too. “I don’t understand,” Lydia stammered. “Who beat you to it?”

  In three steps, Caroline reached Lydia’s side. She took both of her hands in hers. “I did. I have some money from the sale of my home in Savannah. Would you and Nathan ever consider me as your business partner?”

  Lydia was dumbfounded. “You?”

  “I know I don’t know much about running a dry goods store,” she rushed on. “But you do. You could teach me. My mother had a dress shop when I was younger, and I helped her a lot. Olivia could help too. We’d love that, working with you and Nathan every day.”

  “Yes,” Olivia cried, as surprised as everyone else by what her parents were saying, but picking up on it quickly. “Oh, please Aunt Lydia. Let us do it. Please!”

  Nathan was staring at his brother, who was grinning like a kid now. “You really mean it?” he blurted.

  “She really means it,” Joshua answered. “Caroline wants to do this. And I agree. I think it’s a wonderful thing for her, if you two don’t mind.”

  “Don’t mind!” Lydia cried, throwing her arms around her sister-in-law. “This is even more wonderful than I ever dreamed.”

  “But . . . ,” Mary Ann started, “but that means you’d have

  to . . .”

  Joshua was nodding. He turned and looked at Caroline, appearing a little rueful as he answered his mother. “It means we would have to move up north with you.”

  One hand came to Mary Ann’s mouth, and her eyes were instantly glowing. “Oh, Joshua.”

  Olivia squealed in delight. “We’re moving up here!” she cried to Rachel and young Joshua. They started dancing around her, yelling and shouting.

  “I had no idea how important this was to Caroline,” Joshua said softly, still looking at her. “We’ll probably come to Quincy first, get a base established. Then when you get established, we’ll move up and help you get the store started.”

  Rebecca moved over to Joshua and went up on her toes and kissed him firmly on the cheek. It was such a simple and spontaneous act that he was startled. Everyone laughed at his expression.

  Caroline turned to Nathan. “Did you tell Mother Steed about Carl and Melissa?”

  Nathan nodded. “I did. Mama says she can’t believe it could ever really happen.”

  “We’ll write them today before we leave, tell them everything,” Caroline said. “Maybe we can persuade Carl to come out and be partners with Joshua. He could handle the livestock while Joshua did the wagons and the shipping side of the business.”

  Mary Ann’s eyes were swimming. “This is the most wonderful news.”

  Benjamin stood and came slowly over to face his oldest son. Joshua’s smile faded, and for a moment they stood there, face-to-face, both as solemn as if they were victims of tragedy. Everyone turned to watch, half holding their breath. Then Benjamin’s mouth slowly softened. “I’ll say this, son. When you make up your mind to say you’re sorry, you really do it right.”

  Chapter Nine

  Nathan straightened, and wiped his forehead with the sleeve of his shirt. It came away stained and wet. He turned and eyed the progress they had made so far that morning. The four of them—Matthew, Nathan, Derek, and Peter—had taken their shoes off and left them on a dry hump of ground, had rolled their pant legs u
p to their knees, and now were standing in water and muck above their ankles. They were at the east end of a long ditch that ran straight as an arrow through the swampy terrain, ending where the riverbank dropped off to the water’s edge. This was the third ditch they had started in the past week. Two more main channels and a couple of short laterals, and they would have pretty well covered the ten-acre plot of farmland that had been allocated to Derek by the committee Joseph had appointed to arrange for the distribution of land.

  Derek saw that Nathan had stopped and he straightened too, holding his back as he arched it stiffly. “Get one of them new John Deere steel plows and a good team,” he observed, “and we could dig this ditch in an hour and a half.”

  “If you didn’t mind losing the team,” Nathan said dryly. The land around them was a treacherous place for a man, let alone a team. There were swampy bogs, low hillocks of dry, matted grass, numerous ponds—large and small—of open, standing water. One could step onto what looked like solid ground and have it give way to a deep, black, grasping mud beneath. The muck was usually only a couple of feet deep, and the quip about losing the team was an obvious exaggeration, but this was no place for working horses.

  Worst were the swarms of mosquitoes. The full heat of summer had brought them out in huge swarming clouds. They settled on any living thing like soot from a fire, driving livestock and man alike to near madness. The four of them wore wide-brimmed hats, and kept neckerchiefs tied around their necks. Their faces were smeared with black mud, leaving only the pink of their lips and the white circles around their eyes showing. This helped, but not totally.

  A movement caught Nathan’s eye. He lifted a hand and pointed. “Hey! There’s Jenny.”

  Matthew looked up in surprise, turning in the direction Nathan was looking. Sure enough, it was Jenny, coming toward them, picking her way carefully around the bogs, trying to stay on the faint path the men had made as they came through the swampy area.

  “Is it time to eat already?” Peter asked, glancing up at the sun.

  Derek pulled a large rag from his back pocket and wiped his forehead. “No, it’s not even eleven o’clock yet.”