Pillar of Light

by Gerald N. Lund

  “Did you get Derek and Matthew?” he asked Nathan.

  “Yes, they’re coming. What happened, Will?”

  He just shook his head and Benjamin looked up. “Let’s wait until everyone gets here; then he’ll only have to say it once.”

  Nathan nodded and strode to the door. Derek and Rebecca were just coming into the yard. Up the street he could see two more forms running toward them. “They’re coming,” he said over his shoulder.

  There was a similar horrified reaction from the others when they saw Will’s face, but Benjamin waved them to silence and got them all seated. “Now,” he said, very gently. “Tell us what happened, Will.”

  He did. He didn’t look at them, but just stared at the floor. His voice was low, and sometimes they had to lean forward to hear him. He started with a report of his trip to Carthage and what he had found there and of his quick return to Warsaw. They nodded grimly at that. Rumors were flying like bullets in Nauvoo too. The whole city was in a state of panic.

  Still not meeting their eyes, Will went on. He explained the decision to leave Warsaw as quickly as possible. Now, in a wooden, lifeless voice, he described in great detail the arrangements he and his father had made. He told about the livery stable and the tarp. He described the wagon and explained how careful they had been, how he had filled the whole bed of the wagon with mattresses for his mother, how he made sure she had a pillow for her head.

  With a growing sense of horror, Benjamin finally reached out and laid a hand on Will’s arm. Will stopped, almost startled as his eyes came back into focus. “What happened, Will?” Benjamin asked gently. “Tell us what happened.”

  For several seconds he stared at his grandfather, and then suddenly his eyes were filled with tears, his swollen lip began to tremble.

  Rebecca was shaking her head, not wanting to hear the answer. “Oh, please,” she whispered, sensing what was coming.

  Will’s face crumpled now and a great sob was torn from deep within his body. He buried his face against Mary Ann’s shoulder. “Livvy’s dead, Grandma. Livvy’s dead!”

  “No!” Lydia cried, leaping to her feet. Rebecca and Jenny gasped, then burst into tears. Nathan rocked back, stunned into silence. Derek turned away, his eyes burning.

  “What about your mother, Will?” Benjamin asked, in that same soft voice.

  Will pulled away from Mary Ann, brushing at the tears with the back of his hand. He spoke swiftly now, telling them about driving past the newspaper office, about the typesetter blocking the way, about the runaway wagon. As he started to describe how Olivia had tried to turn the wagon, Mary Ann dropped her head now, her body shaking. “Oh, dear Lord, no!”

  “What about your mother, Will?” Benjamin said again. “Is she all right?”

  He shook his head. “Mama’s real bad, Grandpa. That’s why I came. Papa didn’t want me to. Said it’s too dangerous for you to come to Warsaw right now. But you’ve got to come. You’ve got to help her.”

  Lydia’s face was drained of color. “What about the baby, Will?”

  He looked up, remembering that part, and there was a momentary brightening. “The baby came this afternoon. We thought it would be dead. A little girl. She’s very tiny, but I think she’s all right.”

  Then the enormity of it settled in again and he started to shake his head, the shock making his voice hollow. “If we hadn’t put the mattresses in and tied the tarp down real tight, Mama would have been killed too. It was like she was in a cocoon. But the wagon flipped completely over. She’s got a broken arm, and one ankle is also broken.”

  Lydia had to look away, biting down on her lip to stifle the cry within her.

  “Your father? Charles? Savannah?” Derek asked now.

  “They’re all right. They went another way.” He shook his head. “We were going to meet once we got out of town.” He swallowed hard, fighting for control of his voice again. “Papa’s in shock. I’ve never seen him like this. I can’t get him to talk to me. He just sits by Mama, holding her hand, and rocking back and forth.”

  Nathan was up in an instant. “Derek, you get your wagon. Rebecca, Jennifer, Lydia, get blankets, pillows, mattresses. We’ll need medicine, stuff for the baby. Matthew, see if you can borrow a wagon from someone. We’ll need another wagon for the rest of the family.”

  “I’m going with you to Warsaw,” Lydia said to him.

  Nathan jerked around and gave a quick, hard shake of his head.

  “No, Aunt Lydia,” Will cried. “Pa’s right. Warsaw is no place for Mormons. We’ve had a doctor come. But there are a lot of men in town. They’re drinking hard. You don’t want to be a Mormon out on those streets tonight.”

  Lydia folded her arms and planted her feet. “There’s a baby down there,” she said evenly, “and Caroline can’t be nursing it. I’m still nursing little Joseph. I’m going.”

  “But—”

  “For two days little Joseph can survive with a bottle.”

  Benjamin stood, looking at Nathan. “She’s right,” he said.

  Nathan’s face was twisted with fear. “I know.” He looked at Lydia. “All right. We’ll get things ready. Will, you stay here and rest for as long as you can.”

  But Will didn’t rest. He sat between his grandfather and his grandmother, holding each other tight, and they all wept together.

  “Joshua?”

  There was no response. He was standing by the window, staring out into the darkness.

  “You’ve got to decide, Joshua. We can’t wait much longer.”

  He turned, and Benjamin was shocked once again with what the last two days had done to him. His eyes were sunken and old. Two days of black stubble covered his chin, making him look all the more like a tormented man. His mouth was drawn, his skin pallid.

  “I can’t, Father. She’ll die if we move her.”

  Nathan stepped forward. “She’ll die if we don’t take her back, Joshua. We’ve got to risk it.”

  Joshua’s head jerked up, weaving drunkenly now. “I’ve already killed my daughter,” he cried hoarsely. “I won’t kill my wife too.”

  Nathan moved forward and took him by the shoulders. “Joshua, you were trying to get them out. You can’t blame yourself.”

  “I should have moved them. I knew it was bad. People were even starting to yell at me on the streets. Now my Olivia is gone.” He looked away. “She’s gone, Nathan, and I never got to tell her I was sorry for not believing her.”

  Nathan shook him gently. “Joshua, nothing can bring Livvy back now. We’ve got to think of Caroline and the other children.”

  That finally got through. “Yes. Savannah is terrified. I could hardly get Charles to sleep.”

  The others stood by, content not to intervene. Matthew was by the door. Derek stood near the other window. Will sat beside his mother’s bed, looking very tired now. Lydia had just finished nursing the baby and was rocking her slowly in one corner.

  Joshua turned and looked toward the bed. His hand came up, as if in supplication. “The doctor says she is bleeding internally. If we try to move her . . .” He passed a hand before his eyes, not able to say it. “You’d better just go. It’s too dangerous.”

  Nathan turned and looked at Lydia and shook his head. It was clear that Joshua was still in shock. He was almost babbling, jerking from one subject to another.

  “I tried to tell Will not to go get you, but . . .”

  “Did you think we really wouldn’t come?” Lydia asked gently.

  He turned. Now his eyes were haunted. “You had every right not to. I—” He dropped his head. “If only I hadn’t made them come here,” he cried. “If only I hadn’t been such a fool.”

  Will stood and limped over to stand beside his father. “Pa, I was the one who sent Livvy on the wagon alone.”

  Joshua swept him up and clung to him. “No, Will, it wasn’t your fault. It wasn’t your fault.”

  Benjamin watched them, feeling a growing sense of urgency. “Joshua, dawn is in a few hours. We
have to decide. We can give her a priesthood blessing to help her make the trip.”

  “No,” he said shortly.

  “Yes!” Nathan said fiercely. “That’s how we got you out of Far West and up to the McIntires. You were hovering between life and death and we took you twenty-five miles on a travois.”

  “No, Nathan.”

  “How can you say no?” he said, angered by this kind of blindness. “You were with Joseph that day across the river. You watched him raise Elijah Fordham from his deathbed. How can you say that power isn’t real?”

  “Because,” Lydia answered for him, “Joshua doesn’t think God will let that power be used in his behalf. He’s afraid that Caroline will die because God wants to punish him for bringing them here.”

  Nathan and Benjamin both turned around to stare, first at her and then at him. Joshua fell back a step, then moved to the window, turning his back on them. Nathan looked at his father, then made up his mind. “Joshua, we’re blessing your wife and taking her back to Nauvoo. If you don’t like that, you’re going to have to fight me to stop me.”

  “Joshua?” The faint murmur brought them all around. Caroline’s eyes were open and she was trying to raise her one hand. In an instant Joshua was across to her and clasping her hand. She fell back, her breathing shallow and rapid. “Joshua?”

  He leaned over her, trying not to look at the battered face. “Yes?”

  “Take me home.”

  He reared back. “But—”

  “Please, Joshua.”

  He looked over at Lydia, torn with indecision. She was crying now, but she smiled at him through the tears and nodded. “Just say yes, Joshua. That’s all she wants to hear.”

  He turned back to Caroline. “Yes.”

  She closed her eyes, her face smoothing; then suddenly she rose up sharply. “Olivia. Can’t leave her.”

  A cry of anguish was torn from Joshua’s throat.

  “We won’t, Caroline,” Nathan said, his own voice strained now. “We’ll take her back and give her a proper burial.”

  Joshua stood up, suddenly decisive. “All right, let’s take her home.”

  “Good,” Nathan said. He turned to Derek. “Make sure the teams are ready. Matthew, you’ll have to get Savannah and Charles when we’re ready. Will—”

  But just then a soft knock sounded on the door. For a second everyone froze, then there was a scramble. Nathan whipped out a pistol from his belt. Will hobbled over to the corner and grabbed his rifle. Derek leaped back to stand behind the door. Matthew instinctively moved over to shield Lydia. Joshua also drew a pistol, then held up a hand for quiet. “Who is it?” he called.

  “Joseph Smith.”

  If the knock had stunned them, this absolutely dumbfounded them. They gaped at one another, not believing their ears. Only Lydia responded aloud. “Brother Joseph?” she cried.

  “Yes, Lydia, is that you?”

  “It is Joseph!” Derek cried, stepping out and undoing the catch that locked the door from the inside. He threw the door open and Joseph strode in. Behind him was Orrin Porter Rockwell.

  Nathan’s eyes registered total shock. “Joseph?”

  “Hello, Nathan. Benjamin.” Then he strode over to Joshua. There was not a moment’s hesitation, even though Joshua shrunk back at his approach. Joseph threw his arms around him. “Joshua, I’m so sorry. I can’t tell you how the news of your tragedy has torn at my heart.”

  Rockwell came inside and shut the door behind him. Joseph released Joshua and immediately went to Caroline’s bedside, leaving Joshua dazed. He dropped to one knee and took Caroline’s hand. Her eyes fluttered open again, then widened perceptibly. “Joseph?”

  “Yes, Caroline.” He bent down and laid his cheek against hers. “It’s all right, Caroline. Everything is all right now.” There was the barest nod.

  Nathan moved over to Rockwell. “What are you doing here?” he hissed. “There are a hundred men out there howling for Joseph’s blood right now.”

  Rockwell gave an enigmatic shrug. “You know Joseph. Your mother came and told him what happened. There’s no other explanation needed.”

  “I can’t believe it. This is crazy. He could be killed.”

  Rockwell let one hand come to rest on his pistol butt. “That’s why I came.” He looked at Joseph with a mixture of admiration and exasperation. “He wanted to come alone.” He reached up and removed his hat, running his hand through his long hair. “But we’ve got to hurry, Nathan. If we’re not out of here by first light . . .”

  “We’re just getting ready to leave.”

  Joseph heard that and straightened. “Have you given Caroline a blessing yet?” he asked Benjamin.

  “We were just getting ready to. Would you do it, Joseph?”

  He turned to Joshua. “Are you in agreement with that?”

  Joshua was shocked. “You’d do that for me after everything that’s happened?”

  Joseph looked genuinely surprised. “Of course.”

  Joshua’s head dropped and he looked away in shame. “Yes, Joseph. I want you to give Caroline a blessing.”

  They arrived back in Nauvoo just as it was getting dark again. To their surprise, there was a huge crowd waiting for them on Steed Row. In addition to the family, there were friends, neighbors, business associates, city council members, Hyrum and Mary Smith, other members of the Twelve, and some Joshua didn’t recognize at all. They had come to welcome the Joshua Steed family back home and to mourn with them in their loss.

  It was almost ten p.m., and Joshua felt as if his eyes had been stuffed with sand and his body dragged behind a team of oxen for twenty miles. But he was resolute. In the rush of the return and getting Caroline in and settled at their old house on Steed Row, Joseph had slipped away before Joshua could say anything to him. Now things were finally quiet. Savannah and Charles were asleep upstairs. Lydia was in with Caroline, so she could keep the baby close to her, and they were both asleep as well.

  He moved slowly down Water Street, then up the walk to the door of the Mansion House. He raised the door knocker and rapped it softly. In a few moments, he heard footsteps and backed up a little. It was Joseph who opened the door. If he was surprised, he showed no sign of it. He nodded, called over his shoulder to Emma, then came outside.

  He sat down on the step and patted a spot next to him. Joshua sank down beside him. They sat in silence for two or three minutes, content to listen to the soft chirping of the crickets and to watch the fireflies dancing around them in the darkness.

  “Joseph?” Joshua finally began.

  “You don’t need to say anything, Joshua, not on my account.”

  He nodded, appreciating that first move on Joseph’s part. “May I ask you a question?”

  “Of course.”

  “First I should tell you it was Foster who told me about you and Olivia.”

  “I thought it probably was. Him or Law.”

  “Did you kiss my daughter?” he asked.

  Joseph was startled. “No, of course not.” Then he straightened. “Oh.”

  Joshua looked at him sharply. Joseph was nodding. “When we finished talking, Olivia said something that really impressed me. She was a wonderful girl, your daughter.”

  “I know,” he whispered. “So what happened?”

  “As we came out of the office, I was so touched by her faith and her sweet innocence, I just reached out and gave her a quick hug.”

  “And did you kiss her?”

  “Yes. On the top of her head.”

  Joshua had to look away, his eyes burning. “And do you remember what you said to her?” he asked hoarsely.

  “I told her that I hoped my Julia would someday be just like her.”

  A shudder shook Joshua’s body and he gave a low moan.

  “What?” Joseph asked.

  “That’s what she told me and I—” He shuddered again. “I didn’t believe her, Joseph. I believed Robert Foster instead. And now she’s gone and I can’t tell her how sorry I am.
”

  “Yes, you can. You just go out some night, out alone somewhere, and you tell her all the feelings that are in your heart. And she’ll know.” He smiled now. “And you’ll know that she knows.”

  For a long time Joshua stared at the ground; then he finally looked up. “I think I’ll do that.” Now his shoulders pulled back. He wiped at his eyes with the back of his hand. “I’ll tell you this, you won’t ever have to worry about Robert Foster bothering you again.”

  “Joshua,” Joseph said, his voice rising in warning.

  “My daughter is dead because of him,” he said in a tight voice. “I’ll not be forgetting that very soon.”

  “You listen to me, Joshua. If you do go out alone some night to talk to Livvy, don’t you tell her about that, because it will make her want to weep. You think about that, before you go after Doctor Foster.”

  Joshua stood, feeling the tiredness seeping into his soul. Joseph didn’t move. He was lost deep in his own thoughts now. “Joseph?”

  He looked up.

  “I guess you know that Mormonism will always test my patience and strain my credulity.”

  That won him a deep chuckle. “I thought as much.”

  “And I guess I’m going to have to wait until I get on the other side and have God tell me directly that he allows a man to have more than one wife before I will accept it.”

  “That doesn’t surprise me either, Joshua.”

  He pulled his shoulders back, looking up at the stars that filled the sky above them. “But know this, Joseph Smith. While those things are true, they shall no longer stand between our friendship. I am in your debt for what you did this day, and I shall never forget it.”

  “I didn’t do anything, Joshua. I just felt like I needed to be with your family.”

  “You came, Joseph,” he said with quiet finality. “That was enough.”