Pillar of Light

by Gerald N. Lund

  “Of course.”

  “He won’t insist that Charles actually make the payment?”

  “No, not unless he’s a dolt.”

  “One more question, then I’ll make my point. If you pay for the window to the satisfaction of the storekeeper, is everything all right now?”

  Again Joshua sensed he was being led, but there was only one answer to that. “Yes.”

  “But you haven’t changed the past,” Nathan said quietly.

  Joshua saw it now and it hit him with full force. It showed in his eyes and around the corners of his mouth.

  “Nothing in the past has been changed, Joshua, but mercy has been shown and justice has been satisfied.” Nathan went on, slowly now, choosing his words with great care. “Suppose, then, that Jesus Christ went into the Garden of Gethsemane and on the cross, and there he suffered so intensely that he paid the price for all those horrible things that Joshua Steed did in the past. Suppose that he suffered enough that Joshua’s beating of his wife was paid for, not by Joshua, but by the Redeemer. Would Jessica be satisfied with such a payment? not from you, but from the Savior?”

  “Jessica would,” he finally said. “Others might not, but Jessica would.”

  “And Olivia? If she knew that the Savior of all mankind suffered all of the pain and all of the injustice that her father’s foolishness brought upon her, would she say that justice had been paid?”

  He dropped his head and ran his hands through his hair. “I don’t know.”

  “Yes, you do,” Nathan urged. “You do know, Joshua. You know that Olivia has already forgiven you and if you could see her right now, she would throw her arms around you and tell you how much she loves you. You know that, don’t you?”

  “Yes.” It came out in a tortured whisper.

  “That’s how Christ makes things right, Joshua. Not by changing the past, but by making atonement for it. All the broken windows are paid for. All the injustice, all the terrible crimes. Why would he do such a thing, especially for someone who has turned his back on him and fought against the very idea of him? Why would he do that?”

  “I don’t know.” He was feeling pummeled now.

  “Yes, you do,” Nathan said gently. “Why would you pay for the window?”

  There was a choked sound, then, “Because I love Charles.”

  “Yes, because you love him enough to extend mercy to him, even though on the basis of his actions alone he doesn’t deserve your mercy.”

  Nathan sat back. “Well, unless you have some questions, I think that’s about enough for one day.”

  “Thank you. Thank you for taking my questions seriously and not making me feel like a fool for asking them.”

  “No,” Nathan shot right back, “thank you, Joshua. Your questions have made me think more deeply about what I believe. I’ve learned some things in trying to answer them.”

  “Mama?”

  Lydia turned from the wagon where she was checking to see if everything was lodged in tight and securely covered. It had rained during the night and was still continuing. “Yes, Elizabeth Mary?”

  “Do you promise that we get to see Papa today?”

  Lydia turned to her six-year-old and took her by the shoulders. There were so many things that could happen—the muddy roads would slow them down; there could be a broken axle or wagon tongue, someone in need of help, a difficult ford at a stream, a call for an early halt—but she didn’t have the heart to dash the hope in those large blue eyes. “Yes, Elizabeth Mary, I promise.”

  She danced away, squealing out the news for Josiah and little Joseph. Rachel and Emily appeared at the front of the wagon. Emily had a bucket of water, which she poured into a barrel lashed onto the side of the wagon bed. Rachel had a wad of papers that she was carefully placing beneath the straw mattress. Lydia smiled. She knew that it was Rachel’s journal, and that pleased her. Emily had started a journal at the same time as Rachel, but it had lasted only a week or so. Then Brigham had come to the fire that night and talked about the importance of keeping journals. She had kept at it as faithfully as Rachel ever since.

  Rachel looked up and saw that Lydia was watching her and smiled. “That’s everything, Aunt Lydia. I think we’re ready.”

  “Good.” She stepped back enough to see where Josh was fussing with the yoke of the wheel team. “Are you ready, Josh?”

  His shoulders were dark with wetness, and rain dripped from his hat, but he smiled. “I am, Mama. Just waiting for the signal.”

  A few yards away, Derek had followed their conversation. “We’re ready.” He turned to the wagon just beyond him and called. “Ready, Caroline?”

  She raised an arm. “Ready.”

  Beyond them, Mary Ann and Jenny were up in their wagon seat. They too raised a hand and waved. At the head of their team Rachel’s brother Luke stood ready. He waved back as well.

  Rachel came to stand beside her aunt. “Do you think we’ll get to stay at Mount Pisgah for a time?”

  “That would be nice, wouldn’t it?”

  “Then maybe Mama and Papa and the family could catch up with us.”

  Lydia gave her a spontaneous hug, feeling her loneliness. “I think there’s a good chance of that, Rachel. They said they could come on once they got things established there.”

  “Let’s roll ’em,” someone up ahead cried out. There was a cry of “Giddap!” and the lead wagon began to move. Everyone up and down the line straightened in anticipation.

  “You girls,” Lydia said on sudden impulse to Emily and Rachel. “Why don’t you go be with Grandma and Aunt Jenny this morning. Just to give them some company.”

  “Yes, Mama,” Emily said brightly, and they turned and trotted away, their feet making squishing sounds in the wet grass. Lydia smiled. No sisters could ever have been closer than these two cousins, and no daughter could have been more loved than Rachel. She turned forward, then walked up to stand beside her son.

  “You heard Elizabeth Mary, son. I promised we’d find her papa today.”

  “Yes, Mama. I’d like that too.”

  It was a simple lunch of bread and cheese and water. Nathan and Joshua still had a small slab of ham and enough cornmeal to make some johnnycake, but they decided they would wait and have a celebration supper if the family made it in today. With the permission of Heber Kimball, they left the rail-splitting assignment for a time and went to work on preparing a campsite for the family. By midmorning the rain stopped, and they made good progress. They decided that even though their camp was about a quarter of a mile away from the main encampment, it was still a good place for the family. They cleared out some bushes, leveled the ground, gathered a large stack of firewood, laid logs across the brook so the wagons could cross it easily, cut willows, and built four more lean-tos like their own. They had sufficient tents, but with the weather warming now, the temporary shelters would allow some of the children to sleep outside instead of everyone crowding into the tents.

  Now at midday they lay on some willows that kept them off the grass, which was still wet. Their stomachs were full and their backs tired. Nathan had his hat pulled over his eyes. Joshua had one arm thrown across his face.

  “Are you anxious to see them?” Nathan asked after a moment.

  “Yeah, aren’t you?”

  “I am. It’s only been thirteen days, but it seems like a month. I was thinking about Tricia a moment ago. At her age, thirteen days can make a real difference. I’m excited to hold her again.”

  “I’ll bet Livvy has a hundred things to show me,” Joshua chuckled softly. “She is so fascinated with everything around her.”

  “She is,” Nathan agreed. “I don’t know that I’ve ever seen a more inquisitive child.” Then he laughed. “Unless it is Savannah.”

  “Ah, Savannah,” Joshua sighed. “Now, there’s one to turn a man’s hair gray. I hope she finds a strong-minded man to marry.”

  “Savannah is a wonderful girl, Joshua. She has some unusual gifts.”

  “I k
now, I know. I love her dearly, but, oh my, can she be exasperating.”

  Nathan pushed the brim of his hat up with his thumb so he could look at Joshua. “Only because she is so much like you. You know what Mama says? She says sometimes when she watches Savannah she sees you as a little boy all over again.”

  “Poor Mama,” he groaned.

  They lapsed into silence again, both of them thinking of their families and savoring the reunion that would soon be theirs.

  “They are the most important thing in life to you, aren’t they?”

  Joshua opened his eyes. “Of course.”

  “More important than barns and stables, businesses and warehouses.”

  Joshua shut his eyes again. “I learned that the hard way, but yes.”

  “A lot of Christians picture hell as a place of eternal burning. Want to know what my idea of hell is?”

  “What?”

  “Spending eternity without Lydia. Never seeing Josh and Emily and all of them again.”

  Joshua did not answer, and Nathan had a sudden worry that he had crossed the line and was pushing him a little. But so be it, he decided. This needed to be said.

  “Do you think a loving God would make you live for eternity without Caroline? Without Savannah and Charles and Livvy? What kind of heaven would that be?”

  “Actually,” Joshua said after a long moment of consideration, “that is one of the things about the Church that is very attractive. I can’t imagine being without them.”

  “Don’t you see, Joshua, that that’s why we were so obsessed with finishing the temple before we left Nauvoo? God has said that sealing families together is so sacred that it can only be done in his house. Oh, he may approve temporary places until we can build a temple to him, but it must be done in his way and by his authority. Families. That’s what it’s all about. God has made it possible for families to be sealed together, so husbands and wives can be married for eternity. When it’s all said and done, that is the heart of the gospel—to bind families together in a way that time cannot undo and death cannot destroy.”

  He paused, then finished quietly. “As we lie here, longing to be reunited with those we love again, just think about that. Olivia. Papa. Our first little Nathan who died in his mother’s arms. We can all be bound together again in a way that death cannot destroy and time can never undo.”

  After several seconds of silence, Joshua finally spoke. “It wouldn’t be hard to sell me on that idea, little brother,” he murmured.

  “I think that’s them.”

  Nathan stopped in mid-swing and lowered the ax. He peered eastward, where the road appeared on bluffs that rimmed the Grand River. It was about four hundred yards away, but it was nearly four o’clock and the sun had the whole east bank bathed in its full glare. There were four wagons already over the crest, and as they watched, two more followed. It was more than just the Steeds, but that was to be expected. But in the slanting rays of the late afternoon sun, Nathan immediately recognized the lanky figure of his son beside the lead oxen of the third wagon. And just behind him was Derek’s stocky figure, walking beside Rebecca.

  “It is them!” He swung the ax and buried it in the log. “Let’s go!”

  Joshua dropped the beetle and started after him. As they reached the fence, Nathan stopped. “Joshua?”

  “What?”

  “Are you going to tell Caroline about any of this?”

  There was a momentary hesitation, then a shrug. “I don’t know yet.”

  “You need to. You know that, don’t you? The rest of the family is your choice, but you need to tell Caroline.”

  “I’ll think about it.”

  And with that, both men vaulted over the fence and started trotting up the hill toward the oncoming wagons.

  Mary Ann sat back and watched the two families come together in joyous reunion. She smiled happily. To watch them, you would think it had been years since they had seen each other instead of just a couple of weeks. Nathan had baby Tricia tucked under one arm and at the same time had another arm around Elizabeth Mary. Joshua was surrounded by Caroline, Savannah, Charles, and little Livvy, with Livvy noisily catching him up on everything that had happened since he left, including the two caterpillars she had caught while at Garden Grove. But, she added with a grave face, Mama had made her let them go so they could turn into butterflies.

  The only thing to lessen the joy was Jenny. She stood beside Mary Ann next to Matthew’s wagon. Matthew, of course, was not part of this reunion, having already left Mount Pisgah to press on ahead to the Missouri River. So Jenny stood back with her two girls, rejoicing for the other wives and children, sorrowing for her own.

  Finally, Nathan broke free and came over to where they sat. He reached up and took his mother’s hands. “How are you, Mama?”

  “I’m fine.”

  “Really?”

  “Yes. It’s not been a hard trip at all. Some rain, but the roads weren’t that terrible.”

  He turned. “And how about you and the children, Jenny?”

  “We’re fine too,” she said brightly. “Derek has been wonderful. He spends almost as much time watching over us as he does Rebecca and their children.” She turned to where Luke Garrett stood beside the oxen. “And Luke here has taken over as well as any man ever could.”

  The stepson of Jessica and Solomon ducked his head and smiled shyly. “I didn’t do much,” he murmured.

  “On the contrary,” Mary Ann said, watching him proudly, “if your real father were here today Luke, he would be very proud.”

  “Thank you, Luke,” Nathan said, feeling tremendous gratitude for the boy. “Joshua and I have worried a lot about how our families would come along with us gone. Now I know there was no need to worry.” He turned back to Jenny. “We got to see Matthew several times before he left. He was doing fine and said to be sure to tell you that he thinks about you and the children every day.”

  She smiled, clearly cheered. “Did he really say that?”

  “He did. And there is some more good news.”

  “What?”

  “President Young has decided that there is no way that all of us can go on to the Rocky Mountains this season. So he wants some of us to push on to Council Bluffs and establish a winter settlement there. He’s going to ask a lot of the people to stop either in Garden Grove or here in Mount Pisgah. But he asked Joshua and me to take our family on to the Missouri. Matthew will be waiting there for us.”

  Her face broke into a huge smile. The light sprinkling of freckles across her cheeks made her seem almost like a little girl. “Really? He won’t go on ahead again?”

  “No,” he responded. “No one pushes on from Council Bluffs until the rest of us get there.” For now he didn’t say anything about the possibilities of the men then having to leave their families and go to the Rocky Mountains. That was still unsettled, and until it was settled, there was no sense in making her worry. “We’ll stay here another three or four days, let the teams rest up a little, help the ones who are staying, finish the fencing and plowing, then we’ll leave.”

  “Oh, thank you, Nathan. That is good news.”

  She turned and walked to where Betsy Jo was with her cousins to tell her the news. Mary Ann watched her for a moment, then turned back to Nathan. “And how have you and Joshua been?” Mary Ann asked.

  “Wonderful!”

  She gave him a strange look.

  “Oh,” he said quickly, looking around to make sure no one was listening, “yes, he told me about his reading the Book of Mormon, and he said you and Lydia are the only others who know.”

  Mary Ann nodded. “And did you two have a chance to discuss things?”

  “Yes. He still has a hundred questions, Mama, but he’s talking. He’s asking questions.”

  “So you think there’s a chance?”

  His face fell. “Yes, but I can’t be sure. Sometimes it’s like he’s hungry for it. He wants to know everything. We’ll talk for an hour or more. Then the very ne
xt day it’s like we have never talked at all, like he doesn’t even want to think about it.”

  “But he’s still reading?”

  “Yes.” He told her about Joshua’s prayer about Olivia and the confirmation that came.

  “That’s wonderful, Nathan. I’m so glad for that. That will make a big difference.”

  He was less enthusiastic now. “Don’t get your hopes too high, Mama. There’s still a long way to go.” And then, seeing Joshua coming toward them, he spoke more loudly. “How are Jessica and Solomon?”

  “Sad to see us go,” she replied, “as you would suppose, but you know those two. If that is what our leaders ask of them, that is what they will do and they will do it happily.”

  Joshua joined them, listened to her answer, then swept her up. “Hello, Mama.”

  “Hello, Joshua. It’s so good to see you two again.”

  “We missed you.” He set her down again. “So do you think Solomon and Jessica will stay there for very long?” He was thinking about Rachel, who looked a little lost now as the families came together. If they went on to the Missouri, she would be a long way from her parents.

  “No,” Mary Ann replied. “When Elder Taylor passed through, he asked Solomon to stay long enough to get the houses finished and then to come on.”

  “And how long will that be?”

  “Another four or five days. Maybe a week.”

  “That’s all?” he said, pleased with that unexpected news. “That’s great.”

  Nathan turned back to look at the family, now so obviously rejoicing. “So tonight we will all be around the campfire again.”

  “Yes,” said Mary Ann. “I have a letter from Melissa I’ll read to you. I think you’ll be pleasantly surprised.” Then she felt a great peace come over her. “Together again around the fire. I have missed that in these last two weeks.”

  “And so have we,” Joshua said with feeling. “So have we.”

  Chapter 23

  The deer—three does and the yearling—were in almost exactly the same place as they had been before, near the banks of the river, about a hundred yards from them. Joshua stopped just inside the willows, taking Caroline’s hand. “Look,” he whispered, pushing aside the screening branches. “There they are.”