by L. P. Maxa
Part of me wanted to be all in, wanted to go with him and start over. It’d be a clean slate, a fresh start. I’d earned it, and it would probably do me a world of good. But another part of me wanted to stay. I wanted to be with my family. I wanted to watch all the little babies grow up. I wanted to be annoyed by constant family dinners.
I finished getting dressed, pulling an old cut-up Clashing Swell concert shirt on with my jeans. I let Colin take my hand and lead me out to the hybrid he drove, getting in after he opened the door for me. He was polite and chivalrous. He was handsome in a way that had never appealed to me before. He needed glasses to see one foot in front of him and his hair was constantly a mess. He wore ironic t-shirts that I didn’t always understand and old Chucks that looked like they’d been run over by an eighteen-wheeler. But somehow it all worked for me. He was refreshing. He was exactly what I needed in my life. Exactly the type of guy I should want. But for some reason, I was less than thrilled with his proposition.
“Hey, please don’t bring up the move tonight.” I placed my hand on top of his where it rested on my knee. “I need to talk to Jett and Marley about working remotely, and I need to talk to my parents.” And I’m not entirely sure I want to move across the country with you. “Okay?”
He brought our joined hand to his lips, kissing mine sweetly. “Of course. I understand.”
He was also incredibly understanding. Had I mentioned that yet? I was a bit of a brat, always had been. But Colin never called me on it. He navigated my moods like someone bobbing and weaving an onslaught of red rubber dodge balls.
Moving was my choice, and I knew that if I chose to stay in Texas he wouldn’t hate me. He’d be understanding and kind, and probably suggest we try long distance. He loved me, and for that, I was a lucky girl.
“Thank you.”
“I know you’ll miss all those sweet babies, all those baby spawn.” He paused to chuckle at his own joke. “But I promise, we’ll visit all the time.”
Baby spawn. That’d been me once upon a time. I squeezed Colin’s hand, turning to look out the window while memories came creeping into the edges of my mind. It’d been so long since I let myself think about Crue Matthews as anything other than an infuriatingly permanent fixture in my family. Why today? I was guessing any psych major would tell you it was because I had a great guy sitting next to me, being kind and understanding, and asking me for the rest of my life, and I was hesitating.
“Sneaking out is an interesting hobby, baby spawn.”
I stopped short, trying real hard not to let Crue Matthews know that he had startled me. “Yeah? So is stalking.” I was sneaking off the compound, and this was the second time he’d been down here during my night flight indiscretions. The first time, he’d caught me coming home well past curfew.
He was sitting in the old chair Landry had used to climb over the fence when she was sneaking out after she was supposed to be tucked safely in bed. The rest of us kids had gone for broke and simply cut a giant hole in the fencing. “Don’t flatter yourself, I wasn’t waiting for you.”
I wanted him to be waiting for me. I wanted him to care. I wanted him to be jealous, and none of it made any fucking sense. I’d had guys drooling over me since freshman year, and yet the only one I was interested in was off limits and uninterested.
“Smoking and stalking. Even better,” I shot back with my typical sassiness, not wanting him to know he mattered.
“You meeting someone?” Crue held up the joint between his fingers, closer to my face.
His offer felt intimate. I schooled my face, not wanting him to know my heart was racing. I leaned forward, taking the smoke deep into my lungs and holding my breath as I responded with a strangled, “Yes.”
“Cancel.”
I blew out a long breath, the smoke thinned and curling in front of my face. “What?” Had I heard him right? The words had been spoken harshly, more like a demand than a request, and his tone made my blood start to heat in my veins. I coughed lightly, clearing the haze from my chest. “Why?”
Why. That was the million-dollar question, wasn’t it? Why did he want me to cancel my plans? Why did I want to do exactly as he commanded?
“You really think this one is going to be any different than the last one?” The last one? The guy he’d caught bringing me home the other night. Why was Crue watching me? Was he jealous? “Think he’s going to give you what you’re looking for?” He spoke softly, barely a whisper into the dark night. But what he said carried weight, like an arrow straight to my rebellious, confused little heart.
“Maybe. What does it matter? You the only one of us allowed to sneak out and hook up?” It hurt every time I saw him with another girl, and had for the last year or so. I wasn’t sure when my crush on a boy I was raised to see as family began, but it was like a snowball rolling downhill, gaining momentum until it had knocked me flat on my ass and left me out of breath.
He held the joint up again, letting me dip down and take another hit. “You really wanna be like me, baby spawn?”
Silence settled between us as I held the smoke deep in my lungs. I wasn’t the baby of the family, and I didn’t want him to see me that way. I exhaled a few moments later, kicking his feet off the old stump they were resting on so I could sit down. “I don’t know who I want to be yet.”
Did any of us? Life here on the Devil’s Share compound didn’t give you much time to think about the direction you wanted to take or who you wanted to be when you grew up. It was loud and chaotic, and since I was constantly surrounded by other people it was hard to know where they stopped and I began.
Crue reached around me, plucking my cell out of my back pocket. “Cancel your plans, Avory.”
My eyes met his, my tongue darting out to wet my lips. There was that tone again, that commanding edge to his voice that made me want to listen. That made me want to do each and every little thing he told me to. I nodded, breaking our connection to type out a quick message to the already forgotten guy who was supposed to come pick me up. “Done.” I rose to my feet, feeling antsy and nervous. We were alone in the dark, only the smoky haze between us. I had a crush on him and for the first time, I was starting to suspect he had one on me too. “Now what, Crue?”
He stared up at me, studying my face, like he was searching for answers. I didn’t back away. I didn’t look down. When he grabbed my hips and jerked me into his lap, I was so fucking game. His lips crashed against mine, instantly destroying our relationship and rebuilding it into something new at the same time. My hands fisted his shirt, pulling him closer as soft moans escaped my mouth. He wanted me the same way I wanted him. And neither of us seemed to care that it didn’t make any fucking sense.
Chapter Four
Crue
Now
I crossed the compound, headed to the pool house for Friday Family Dinner. I didn’t make it every week. I skipped out on a lot of these. I was a sullen asshole, and had been for years now. Although I’d always been a bit of a prick, ask anyone in my family. The sulky heartbroken version of me had been firmly in place since my breakup with Avory Connor. I’d sunk into a deep depression, and I’d never seemed to be able to shake it all the way off.
Don’t get me wrong. I had a good life. I went out. I drank with my buddies and hooked up with random chicks every now and then. I played catch with my twin and cheered him on during every major league game I could get to. I smoked with my younger brother, laughing about our childhood. I played with my little cousins. I made them giggle and held them high in the air whenever they begged me to. I hung out with my dad in the backyard, standing over the grill. I brought my mom flowers on her birthday and Mother’s Day.
I lived.
But my heart hurt. I still mourned the girl I lost. And every time I saw her across the table, I hated myself for what I did to her. To us.
“Hey, man, I didn’t know you were coming to dinner tonight.” Jett held the wrought iron gate open for me, letting it slam shut as soon as I passed through
.
“Our brother is telling the family he’s going to be a dad, why would you think I’d miss that?” Like I said, I tended to skip more Devil’s Share functions than any of my other cousins or siblings, but this? I wouldn’t miss this. Only Jett and I knew that Katie was pregnant, and she and Cash had this big reveal thing they were going to do at family dinner. Cash thought it’d be funny, actually sharing happy news over a meal instead of the truth bombs and drama that usually ensued.
“I thought you’d miss it because Avory is here.”
Enter the actual pain in my chest. Avory was the only girl I’d ever loved, and the only girl who had ever broken my heart. I’d broken hers first. I shrugged, hoping for unaffected. “What does that matter? I see Avory all the time.”
And it hurt, all the damn time.
“She’s bringing that same guy she’s been seeing.”
My eyebrows rose, shocked that Avory had stuck with the same dude for so long. Typically she brought them around once or twice, then we never had to see them again. “The same one who was here for the holidays? The weird hipster who tried to pick a fight with me?”
“You mean the tech genius environmentalist who peacefully avoided your rampant anger? Yeah, that one.” Jett nodded, his hands shoved in his pockets.
So the guy was brilliant and going out of his way to save the damn planet. That didn’t mean he wasn’t a weird hipster. And he’d totally thrown digs my way. “Whatever, bro. Avory’s been flaunting her flings all over the damn compound from the second we broke up. This one’s no different.”
Jett sent me a small smile with a look in his eyes that resembled pity as he walked away. I didn’t need his pity. I didn’t need anyone’s. I chose to be here for Cash and Katie like they’d been there for me. I could handle Avory bringing a date. I could handle her laughing loudly at his lame jokes and running her fingers down his arm. I could handle it all. Because I knew that whomever she brought around was nothing but a cheap substitute. No one would be able to replace me in her heart, and in her soul, the same way no one would be able to replace her in mine.
Avory and I were once in a lifetime. No one would ever be able to love her like I did. And deep down, she knew it too.
I watched as Jett made his way to Marley, taking her son into his arms and smacking kisses on his chubby cheeks. The baby giggled, grabbing handfuls of Jett’s dark hair. Talon stepped closer to his wife, wrapping his arms tightly around her.
The whole family was here and it was crowded. I could hear my dad in the corner talking with Uncle Jacks about an expansion project since everyone kept popping out kids and getting married, most of them in that order because we sneered at tradition. We were outgrowing the space the ’rents had built for us to gather as a whole.
It was the Connors’ week to bring the food, which meant dinner was being catered because Aunt Lexi was the worst cook on the compound. They’d chosen to have a crawfish boil and there were white butcher-paper tablecloths covering the extra-long picnic tables. The large stainless steel pots full of potatoes, corn, and crawfish were stationed outside the main deck so none of the toddlers got hurt.
Cash and Katie were joined at the hip, which wasn’t anything out of the ordinary. Cash was playing pro ball and for over half the year, he was gone more than he was home. Honestly, I wasn’t sure when Cash had found the time to knock her up with his schedule the way it’d been. It was hard on them, but at least here at the compound Katie was never truly alone. Her little brother even lived in town now with our cousin Emmie and their baby girl Luca.
I made sure to check on her too, having dinner with her once a week, calling and texting all the time. I’d promised Cash I’d be here for her, help with the pregnancy when he was out of town. And I would. Katie was like a sister to me, had been good to me, and I would do anything for her and my twin.
Landry and Halen were by the pool gate thwarting their kids’ attempts to go for a swim. Between the two of them, they had four. Three boys and a girl, and Halen was pregnant again. Constant freaking babies popping out in this family.
Emmie and Evie were with their mom, cooing over Luca. Nicky and Kasen were standing off to the side with Uncle Smith, their father-in-law. I’d held a bit of a grudge for my uncle after he’d decided to share the picture of me with that chick in high school. I’d tried to get to Avory first. I’d tried to pull her away. I thought if I could explain things, if I could make her understand… But that was not how it went down, and I’d never know if it would’ve made a difference in the end. The resentment at Uncle Smith stuck though. Better to be pissed at him than myself, though, truth? I beat myself up plenty.
Avory was talking to Dylan, laughing at whatever Jett’s girlfriend had said. She was close with them, and had started working for MJ Botanicals after she graduated from UT with a degree in graphic design.
Colin. That was the hipster’s name. I refused to call him her boyfriend. I refused to even think for a second that he was going to be a permanent member of this family. He was fleeting. Everyone in her life was fleeting, except me. He was standing next to her, holding her glass of wine and his beer. He seemed like one of those guys who would take off his jacket and lay it down over the top of a puddle so Avory wouldn’t get her shoes dirty. I chuckled at the image in my head. Me? I would’ve picked her ass up and thrown her over my shoulder, carrying her over the puddle and straight to the back seat of my truck.
Aunt Lexi cupped her hands around her mouth, and called out, “Dinner is served.” The catering crew poured steaming piles of food on the table, a long line of deep red crawfish and bright yellow corn. It looked amazing, and smelled even better.
I hung back, letting the rest of my family find their spot at the table. Cash caught my eye, gesturing me over with his head. He stepped closer to Katie, making room for me between her and Brody. I loved Jett, obviously, but Brody was probably my second favorite “brother.” He was a hella likeable guy, and he was always fucking grinning.
Uncle Smith started dinner the way he’d been doing since Kase had proposed to a pregnant Emmie. “Unless anyone has anything they’ve been hiding from us to get off their chest, dinner is—”
“We have something we’ve been hiding.” Cash’s smile was megawatt as he held his and Katie’s joined hands in the air. “We’re pregnant.”
I knew about the baby. I’d actually been at their house when Katie found out. She’d screamed and came running out of the bathroom waving the test stick in the air. Now, I stepped back, letting everyone else have a chance to congratulate them. My eyes drifted to Avory, who was beaming, waiting in line to hug my twin and his wife. Her hair was still long, her frame still slender. But she’d gotten more beautiful as she grew up all the way. Her grin fell and she looked across the patio, meeting my gaze. I wondered if she was thinking the same thing I was: that it could have been us happily married, announcing a baby through joyful tears.
“You want kids?” Avory ran her hands through my hair, tugging playfully when I wrinkled my nose in disgust. “Are you serious?”
I was lying in her lap, on a blanket under the stars at the back of the compound. It’d become our place, and I was more than happy to share it with her. “I don’t know. I’ve spent the majority of my formative years trying real fucking hard to not procreate.”
“Hmmm, I love when you bring up what a fuck boy you used to be.” She slapped my cheek, harder than one would have thought necessary. “Warms me to my core.”
I launched myself up, tackling her to the ground and grinning when she wrapped her long legs around my hips. “I bet I could figure out a different way to warm you to your core.” I kissed her lips, hungry for every taste I could get. Sneaking around meant lying to our parents, but it also meant that we were alone a lot and that was a win.
“Answer me first. Honestly, do you want kids?” Avory was peering up at me, her gaze searching mine.
She was so fucking beautiful, and I was in love with her. Fuck, I loved that girl. I kissed her
again, grinding against her core because I could. But then I pulled back, smiling down at the only girl who had ever owned me. “Do you want babies?” She nodded, a soft, sweet look in her big brown eyes. “Then I’ll give them to you.”
I blinked, turning my back on the happy family scene in front of me. Not only could it have been us, but once upon a time I was sure it would be. And as ecstatic as I was for my twin and for Katie, part of my heart was breaking for everything I still longed for.
Chapter Five
Crue
Now
While most everyone had gone to bed, Brody, Jett, Talon, Cash, and I were sitting on Cash’s back patio around the fire pit. We were passing around a congratulatory bottle of whiskey and shooting the shit. I’d taken time like this with my brothers for granted when I was younger. Hell, I’d taken most things for granted. Cash traveled a lot, Talon and Jett were busy with MJ Botanicals, and Brody was at home with his sons, Mr. Mom all the way. There wasn’t a lot of time for late-night fireside chats so I was trying like hell to soak up this one.
“Avory can’t be serious with that guy, right? I mean he looks like a strong wind could blow him over.” Cash was forever on my side, because he was loyal to a fault. He knew I still loved Avory, and he knew that even though I played it cool, seeing her with someone else bruised my perpetually hurt heart.
“She’s really serious.” Jett had a live crawfish in his hand. He’d decided he wanted to keep one as a pet. And Devin, the sweetest girl alive, had found an old fishbowl so he could fill it with dirt and water. “They stopped by the house after dinner and—”
“Don’t even think about him, bro.” Brody clapped me on the back. “He’s not worth the head space, okay?” Brody was the “outsider” I was closest to, other than Katie. He and I had clicked almost instantly, even though we were so opposite. I guess he evened me out like Cash tended to do.