by Kasey Krane
My throat was dry, but I was also relieved a little.
He didn’t know exactly what it was. He didn’t know about our son. He just knew there was something.
I had a choice—I could still refuse to tell him. All I would have to do was tell him there wasn’t anything. He would know I was lying and then he’d walk out of my apartment. I would probably never see him again after that.
My other choice was to tell him the truth about the baby. There was no predicting what his reaction to that would be. However, the one thing I did know was that it wouldn't be a good one.
There was no way he’d forgive me what I’d done.
Either way, our relationship was doomed. What made me think for even a second that there was a chance for us to be together as a normal couple? How could we survive despite our past? Despite our son being out there being raised by someone else?
That was a guilt and a choice which I had to live with every day. I would never survive a relationship with him based on a lie.
“So, Leah, are you going to tell me?” he asked.
He knew I thought it over. He knew the same thing I did—everything depended on whether I chose to tell him or not. There wasn’t any denying there was a secret between us.
“I need a drink first,” I said, walking to the kitchen. He didn’t follow me. He gave me a moment to myself.
I poured a shot of tequila and drank it quickly, allowing the warmth to spread through my whole body. Then I wiped my mouth with the back of my hand and went back out to the living room.
He waited for me by the window. There was a darkness on his face. He knew this would be big.
I already knew there was going to be no forgiveness after this.
Aidan had already forgiven me for everything worth forgiving.
I kept my head down. I couldn’t bear to look at him while I spoke. I didn’t want to witness the curiosity in his eyes turn to disgust and then hatred.
“The real reason why I left town was because I found out I was pregnant.”
The silence in the apartment was deafening. I couldn’t even hear a clock ticking anywhere. I wished he would just hold me while I spoke, without looking at me.
It was strange because he was my only source of comfort—at the same time, he was the only person who could completely shatter me too.
“What did you just say?” he snarled.
I had to look at him now, I couldn’t shut him out anymore.
“I found out I was pregnant,” I repeated.
Aidan took one threatening step in my direction and my heart felt like it was about to explode.
“Who the fuck touched you? Who was the father?” he growled like a wild animal waiting to pounce on its prey.
I realized then that he mistaked the whole thing. He couldn’t wrap his brain around the idea that I would leave town while carrying his baby. It had to be someone else’s.
“Nobody else touched me, Aidan. You were the father.”
His eyes narrowed and I noticed they were bloodshot.
“I don’t understand what you’re trying to say. You were pregnant and I was the father? Then you left town? Why the fuck would you do that when we were in a relationship? What did you think I would do?”
There was so much to unpack between us that we hadn’t even gotten to the real secret. The one that would blow this up.
I wrapped my arms around my stomach because every part of my body ached now.
“I told my mother. I was going to tell you, but I told her first. I thought she would be…forgiving once she realized there was a baby on the way. I knew she had always wanted to be a grandmother. I thought this would be happy news.”
My lips trembled as I spoke. Aidan glared at me with fury dripping from his eyes. He had a hard time keeping up with the logic of this story.
He held his hands up, making me stop my speech.
“You chose to disclose your pregnancy to your parents before telling me?”
I couldn’t even make myself nod my head.
“Somehow, despite knowing your folks all your life, you thought they would forgive you for getting knocked up before marriage? By a Doherty no less!”
I knew he made complete sense. I’d asked myself this very question over and over again in the past five years. What made me tell Mom? How could I have been so stupid?
Tears filled my eyes and I tried to keep myself from shaking.
“A girl needs her mother to see her through her pregnancy. Or that was what I thought. I was excited and scared. I just wanted my mother on my side,” I replied.
Aidan covered his face with both hands and kept them there. Almost like he couldn’t bring himself to look at me anymore.
“And let me guess, she told your father and together, they plotted against you and I.”
Tears rolled down my face, and this time—Aidan had no sympathy for me. I wasn’t looking for sympathy. I didn’t know what I was looking for. Whatever it was, I wasn’t going to find it.
“They threatened me with abortion. They said that if I didn’t follow their plan, they would force an abortion on me. They said I couldn’t be in this town and have your baby out of wedlock. They wouldn’t stand for it. They left me with no choice.”
“Yes, you had a fuckin’ choice, and you chose your parents over me.”
I tried sucking in as much air as I could. It became harder for me to breathe.
“No, Aidan, I chose the baby. Or, at least I thought I did. I truly believed that none of us would ever be at peace if I lived here with you, raising our child. And I was afraid they would find a way to lay claim on me. To force an abortion on me.”
“And how the fuck would they have done that? Kidnapped you while you slept in my bed?” He was raging mad. His face was red. He had his fists clenched tightly. I expected his head to pop open any moment now and hot lava to flow.
I couldn’t stop picturing every nightmare scenario possible.
“I wasn’t thinking. I wasn’t thinking straight. They had me locked in the house, and then they gave me a ticket and said I had no choice but to go away. My father was going to drive me to the station. They’d taken away my phone and money. I literally had nothing. No way to contact you. I was pregnant and afraid of the baby getting hurt.” I blubbered as I tried speaking through my tears.
Aidan continued to fume. His chest heaved while I waited for the question. I knew it was coming. He came around to it while trying to make sense of my story, which didn’t even make sense to me anymore.
“So you left. And you didn’t call me once you arrived at wherever the fuck you went. You let me carry on thinking you left of your own free will because you wanted to get away from me. I would have gone and brought you back from wherever you were.”
“I thought it would be for the best. I thought you wouldn’t even be ready to be a father. We hadn’t discussed it. I thought we were both better off this way.”
Aidan’s voice was bitter and cold when he spoke next. “So you didn’t know me at all.”
I looked away, pressing my eyes closed as I tried to stop the tears.
“Where is the child? Is it a boy or a girl?”
“A boy. I gave birth to a beautiful baby boy. He has your eyes and your hair, Aidan. He looks just like you.” My heart broke all over again as I spoke.
Aidan’s eyes had turned glassy. He had a faraway look on his face—almost like he imagined what it would be like to hold his son in his arms.
“Where is he? Why didn’t you bring him here?” he growled.
I forced the lump down my throat. I had come so far already. I had to tell him everything now.
“I don’t know where he is, but I know he’s with his parents. His adoptive parents,” I replied.
I expected there to be a gigantic outburst. I was ready for it. Maybe he’d punch the wall. Maybe he’d walk straight out of my apartment. Maybe he’d pick up the vase on the coffee table and smash it to the ground. Threaten me?
But none of th
at happened.
Aidan just continued staring at me like he expected there to be a second part to my statement. He hoped this was just a joke.
I stood there silently, looking back at him—hoping the information would finally settle.
Then he narrowed his eyes at me.
“Did you just say you gave the baby up for adoption? Our baby? My son?”
There was venom in his voice, but I couldn’t see evidence of that on his face. Somehow, he was able to keep calm.
“I didn't know what else to do, Aidan. I was so young. I was lost and in pain. I didn’t know what the future held for me and I thought the best thing I could do for the baby was to give him a better life than the one he would have had with me.”
“So you don’t know where he is?”
I shook my head.
“You don’t know how he is?”
“He was adopted by good people. I looked through many profiles and made the best selection I thought I could. He is being well looked after. I’m sure of it.”
Aidan didn’t say anything more.
I lost track of time. I wanted him to say something. I wanted him to smash that vase on the floor if he had to. I wanted him to punish me. I knew how he felt—frustrated and helpless. Just like I had felt too.
“If I could turn back time and make those decisions all over again, I would never leave, Aidan. I would want our baby to be raised here. To have a father and belong to the Doherty family. I know better now, but back then I was scared and confused…”
He cut me off by raising a hand in front of his face.
“You can stop now, Leah. I get it. You gave our son up because you thought it was the right thing to do.”
Twenty-Seven
Aidan
This was not how I imagined being told I was a father.
Not that I’d pictured myself as a dad before—I didn’t think I was capable of it. I definitely didn’t think I could be a good one. But if I had to take a wild guess, this wouldn’t be it.
I could see how sorry Leah was. She didn’t have to explain it to me—it was pretty obvious, this secret tore her up.
I wasn’t mad at her. I was glad she had the baby and she did whatever she thought she needed to do to keep the baby safe. I wasn’t even mad at her for choosing to give the baby away. Everything she did for our son, she did from a place of concern.
What I couldn’t wrap my brain around was the fact that she chose to keep all this from me. That somehow, five years ago—despite the good thing we had going on—she decided I didn’t need to know.
If she had come to me at any point since she left town and told me about our son, I would have taken him. Even if she didn’t want to be with me. Even if she wanted to respect her parents’ wishes for some fucked up reason and live somewhere else.
My son belonged with me, and it made me angry, confused and sad to realize that she didn’t think so.
“Aidan, please say something…”
I didn’t know how long I’d silently stood there. There were still tears in her eyes. There was a part of me that wanted to hold her and wipe those tears away. Tell her I wanted to go through this with her.
There was another part that didn’t want to look at her ever again.
“I know it’s unforgivable. Everything I’ve done and kept from you. I know I don’t deserve your forgiveness. I just want to know if you’re going to be okay.” Her voice quivered and ached as she spoke.
I couldn’t look at her.
Leah took a few steps towards me and I jerked my head up in surprise.
I didn’t want her to come any closer. And the messed up thing was that I still loved her. How could I suddenly stop loving her now? Feelings didn’t work that way—as I learned now.
She held her hands up in surrender.
“Tell me what I have to do, Aidan. Tell me what you need from me and I’ll do it.”
I had to look at her then and she held her head up. Her shoulders were stiff and straight.
There was only one thing left to do.
“I want you to leave me alone,” I said.
It wasn’t easy to say. It took every last ounce of resolve to get those words out, but I had to say them. I needed some space from her so I could fully process all the information I had been given.
“Okay,” she replied.
I left. I couldn’t be there any longer. I couldn’t stand there, looking at her teary face because then I’d turn into a puddle too.
When I was at the door, Leah called for me.
I didn’t turn to her.
“Before you go, Aidan, I just want you to know that it was the hardest decision I have ever had to make. If I could make that decision now as a twenty-five year old, I would’ve never given him up. I would’ve done everything in my power to look after him and give him the best life, but I would’ve kept him with me.”
My hand was on the door knob. I wanted to just walk out of there without another word, but just as always, she managed to suck me back in.
“I need some time away from you. I need to think about what you’ve done and how it’s going to affect the rest of my life.”
Even though I wasn’t looking at her, I sensed her moving towards me, but she kept her distance.
“I understand that. I’m not trying to rush you or any decision you make. I want you to know that I’m here if you have any questions or if there’s any way you think I can make it better.”
“There is no way to make it better, Leah. I will, in most likelihood, never get to meet my son. Probably my only son. You took that opportunity away from me.”
Leah sobbed again and I knew I had to get out of there before my exterior cracked.
“What about…what about Aldo? What am I supposed to do about them?” she asked as I opened the door.
“I’ll take care of that. I’ve had enough of those bastards,” I growled.
Without waiting for her response, I shut the door behind me. Outside on my bike, I had to struggle not to look in the direction of Leah’s window. I knew she would have been looking out at me, watching me leave and probably sobbing still.
I didn’t know what I would do next. What was left to do?
Aldo Baron needed to be dealt with. I had far bigger problems now than him being a pain on my side. But for that, I would have to get the rest of the family involved.
I didn’t know if I was ready to tell them everything. Despite what Leah had done about the baby, I still wanted to protect her from the shower of hatred and rage she might have had to face if I told my brothers the truth.
Just when I was so close to making the biggest decision of my life—just when I had an opportunity to have a future with the woman I was in love with—everything was ruined.
I didn’t know if there was any coming back from that.
Twenty-Eight
Leah
Four days passed since Aidan walked out of my apartment and I still hadn’t heard from him.
I didn’t even know why I still held out hope that I would ever hear from him again.
I was in shock that he hadn’t taken a more drastic approach to my revelation. I deserved much worse than this silent treatment. I deserved to pay for my actions the same way he would make any business associate pay when they wronged him.
Since Aidan left, I hadn’t done anything with my time in town other than visit Mom at the hospital. Her condition hadn’t improved but the hospital staff took good care of her and kept her medicated. It was the best I could have hoped for her.
“You’re thinking about something, honey, what is it? I want you to tell me what’s on your mind,” Mom said. I had been sitting in silence next to her hospital bed for a while. The TV was on mute and she was sitting up, reclined, breathing softly.
In the last few weeks since my return, we had become accustomed to each other’s silent company. There was a sort of comfort in that.
I turned to her with a blank stare. I had so much on my mind that I wouldn’t have known w
here to start.
Aldo Baron and his men would come looking for me any day now. Time was ticking. I was an idiot to assume they’d forgotten about me. They were probably watching my every move.
I’d already deleted all those photos I took of Aidan’s documents on my phone. They’d have to kill me if they wanted to, but I wasn’t going to betray Aidan again. Not even for my Mom’s sake. I’d made that decision already.
I sighed and shook my head.
“It’s nothing, Mom. You just relax,” I said.
“Honey, I know you don’t have any reason to trust me, and you don’t know how much I hate myself for that. But right now, I want you to tell me everything. I want to know. I don’t want to die not knowing how you are or what you’re going to do with your life.”
Her lips quivered and my breath caught in my throat. She looked so pale and frail. When she reached for my hand, I didn’t pull away. It was strange to have my mother be kind to me when the only real memories I had of her were those in which she threatened and manipulated me.
Well, what could she do now?
She didn’t scare me anymore.
Even if she disapproved of all the things I felt, I wouldn’t let her manipulate me again. I wasn’t that naive girl anymore.
I breathed in deeply before I said the words I knew were going to shock her.
“I’m in love with Aidan Doherty. I’m not sure if I ever fell out of love with him.”
Mom’s nostrils flared and finally, I saw a flush of color on her cheeks.
She gulped, then nodded.
“I should have known it was real,” she replied.
It was like all the people in this town had made a pact together or something—they would shock me with their subdued reaction to the secrets I revealed to them.
I stared at my mother with my mouth hanging open. I expected a whole speech on how disappointed she was in me. Her rambling about how much she disapproved of Aidan, no matter how foolishly smitten I was.