by Cole, Fiona
“Why don’t I show you the rooms.”
I followed his broad back down around a corner behind the ridiculously modern kitchen.
“All the bedrooms are down here. If you turn the corner at the other side of the living room, there’s an office you’re welcome to use. But this first room is Audrey’s.” He gestured inside, and I choked on my breath.
“It’s exactly the same.”
“But bigger. I didn’t have any clue what baby stuff to get, so I just copied what you had.”
“Ian, this is amazing.”
“I figured at some point she’d stay here.”
“Yeah,” I breathed. It was moments like this when it hit me how Ian and I had avoided talking about what our future looked like. We made Audrey the center of our universe and just took each play as it came. Which was the opposite of who I was. I liked everything planned perfectly, but with Ian, my fear of the feelings that constantly hummed beneath the surface of my veneer scared me more than any chaos could.
“This room is yours. Again, change whatever you like. We can throw out everything and bring your stuff in. Hell, we can throw out everything and start from scratch.”
The room had the same wood floors and brick walls. The large windows made the large space seem even bigger, and the bright sun shining in made me want to twirl and fall back on the fluffy gray comforter. “This is perfect.”
“Awesome. The bathroom is through that door over there and connects to Audrey’s room.”
“Perfect,” I said again like a broken record.
“Why don’t we head downstairs and grab some more boxes?”
“Okay. Aunt Vivian said she’d watch Audrey as long as we needed her.”
“Great. Let’s see how much we can get done today and then go from there.”
Five hours later, everything on me ached, and I couldn’t wait to collapse and nurse Audrey until we both passed out.
“We can get the rest of the stuff later. Your lease isn’t up for a few more months, so we have time.”
“Sounds perfect,” I sighed, falling back on Ian’s couch.
Ian picked Audrey up out of the car seat and sat right next to me. Audrey made herself comfortable on his chest, placing her tiny thumb between her rosebud lips. Her big blue eyes blinked a few times before growing heavy, like Ian’s heartbeat lulled her back to sleep.
“This sunset may make the whole move worth it.”
We sat on the couch facing the wall of windows, the orange and golden colors warming up the entire space.
“This sunset and no more tripping and almost breaking my neck.”
“I can’t believe you’ve been sleeping on my couch this whole time when you had this place sitting empty.”
I’d been grateful not to be alone, but who wouldn’t want to be in their own home with their own things in a bed big enough to hold them?
“Home isn’t the place,” he explained softly. “It’s the people. So, I was happy to be with you guys.”
I rolled my head against the back of the couch to look his way in time to watch him place a soft kiss to Audrey’s head, and my heart ached.
“Why do you have such a big place?” I asked in the silence, the stars starting to peek out in the darkened sky.
He shrugged. “I guess I always wanted to fill it with a family of my own.”
For the first time, with Ian saying something so serious to me, I didn’t scoff or make light of it. His easy sense of humor and child-like attitude made it easy to pigeon hole him into this aloof playboy. And maybe that was what he had been, but this apartment screamed how wrong I’d been, thinking it was what he always wanted to be. I’d distracted myself from Ian, focusing all my attention on our baby. I’d used his jokes as a wall to keep space around my heart. I told myself I needed someone serious by my side.
But right then, with his face glowing in the light, holding our little girl cradled safely against his chest, I felt the first crack in the wall begin, and I worried what really living together was going to do to my restraint. This wasn’t him staying over to be with Audrey. This was me giving up a huge part of myself and making a new home with him.
It was terrifying, and I held on to that fear to patch the crack up the best I could.
“Well, it’s beautiful,” I choked out.
“Thank you.”
“How about dinner?”
“I won’t turn down some food. All that moving made me hungry. Where do you want to order from?”
“I can cook.”
He turned to me with a raised eyebrow. “Damn, woman. You cook too? I’ve died and gone to heaven.”
His eyes heated as they scanned as much of me as he could reach over Audrey’s head, and I looked away, laughing to hide the heat simmering on my cheeks.
“Fair warning, my kitchen is a little lacking.”
“I’ll make do.”
Those were my famous last words. I opened empty cupboard after empty cupboard, coming up with a single pot and a couple cooking utensils.
“Oh, my god, Ian. This is horrible.”
He’d set Audrey in her rocker and leaned against the back of the couch. “I tried to warn you.”
My shoulders shrugged over a heavy sigh, and I dug through his pantry and fridge to come up with something. “I’ll figure something out.”
“Okay. While you’re doing that, I’ll unpack this box that says vibrators and sex toys.”
I whipped around. “What?”
Ian almost doubled over at my reaction. “I was joking, but the fear there makes me think maybe I wasn’t too far off the mark.”
“I do not have sex toys.” At least, I hadn’t packed them all up and brought them over…yet.
“The lady doth protest too much, methinks.”
“Ugh.” I rolled my eyes, turning my back on his devious smile. “Incorrigible.”
“Well, I did find a box of your CDs. Who keeps CDs anymore?”
“I know. I should get rid of them.”
“Yes, you should. But first, we should listen.” He began digging through my collection and whistled. “You’ve got a hell of a collection here. Cranberries. Blink-182. Backstreet Boys. Green Day. Digital Underground. Damn, woman.”
“I like all kinds of music.”
“What should we play first?”
“How about Digital Underground?”
“Coming right up.”
Ian got the music going, and I fell into a rhythm I hadn’t had in a little over a year. I swayed my hips and sang The Humpty Dance as I cut veggies and created my one-pot concoction.
I wasn’t sure if Ian noticed me bouncing to the beat, but he never said anything as he worked on unpacking boxes. I wasn’t sure I cared either. I loved listening to music and cooking. I used to do it all the time for Jake, but when we broke up, I buried myself and lived on take-out.
I had to admit; it was nice to loosen up and laugh as I mumbled through the words.
“I’m glad you’re here, dancing queen.”
I turned to meet his smiling gray eyes across the island and another crack fissured along my wall, letting honesty slip out.
“Me too.”
19 Carina
Surprisingly the move went well. The week since I’d agreed had been great. Almost too great. So great I felt like I was holding my breath, waiting for the other shoe to drop. Like Ian said, it made sense, and when moments of doubt lingered, I reminded myself of the practicality.
“Hey,” Ian said from where he was packing up after the meeting in Erik’s office. “Do you want to grab a box of your pots and pans on our way home. You’ve got better stuff than I do.”
“Because I actually have stuff, Mr. One-pot-one-pan.”
“It was all I needed for my Mac and cheese and bacon,” he defended, laughing.
“Yeah, we can do that. That way I can maybe make dinner some nights.”
The conversation was surreal. If you had asked me two months ago if Ian and I would be talking about going home
together to cook meals after a meeting, I would have laughed until I cried.
“God, yes,” Ian moaned, his eyes rolling back in his head. “You can make me dinner any night you want. Who knew you were the best cook ever?”
“Wait…” Alex said from where she sat, breaking her conversation with Hanna. Her eyes bounced between us.
“You guys moved in together?” Hanna’s voice rose to a pitch that put me on the defensive. Like she would have been less surprised if I said I was actually a man.
“Yeah,” Ian answered slowly, a smile tipping his lips like he found their shock hilarious.
Maybe Alex’s shock was fun because it quickly shifted to excitement. But Hanna’s remained fully in horror.
“We’re slowly moving all of her in. Her lease is up in a couple of months, so we figured there’s no rush to move it all at once.”
“B-but,” Hanna stuttered, her eyes blinking as she tried to process. “You don’t take anyone there. Hell, I’ve only been there a handful of times.”
Ian shrugged, turning soft eyes to me. “Yeah, I save it for family.”
Home. Family. Us. Ours.
These were words I wasn’t sure I’d ever associate with him, but they soaked into my lonely soul and filled a gap that had been broken by Jake.
“Are you guys together?” Hanna asked, trying to mask her initial reaction.
“No.”
Ian narrowed his eyes at my quick denial but didn’t seem overly bothered. He knew me well enough that my answer didn’t surprise him. “We’re partners raising our baby. Now just in a place that can hold all of us and not risk my life with each step I take.”
“Oh,” Hanna finally said after a too-long silence.
“Well, I think it’s amazing,” Alex chimed in.
“Yeah…Amazing.” Hanna said the words, but her eyes didn’t match.
“What’s amazing?” Erik asked, walking back in from talking to Laura, who was currently watching Audrey.
“Carina moved in with Ian,” Alex announced.
Erik’s eyes shot to Hanna for a brief moment before moving to Ian and giving a genuine smile. “Good for you, Ian. I don’t know how you convinced her to do it or if she’s locked in a tower, but I’m happy for you.” He cupped his hand over his mouth and muttered to me, “Blink twice if you’re being held against your will.”
Ian flipped him off but laughed.
“Hey, Carina,” Erik started. “I’d been meaning to ask you if you’re going to the wedding?”
“What wedding?” Ian asked.
“Jake’s—the other half of her company,” Erik answered. “I’ve gotten to know him through his donations to my charity.”
Ian’s curious gaze flicked to mine at the news. I’d kind of forgotten, slash didn’t want to acknowledge it.
“Jake, your ex?” Ian asked.
“Yup.”
“Oh, you’re going,” he said like I’d thrown down the gauntlet.
I parted my lips to argue, to make an excuse, but he held up a hand. “Don’t argue, Carina Russo. You’re going to dress up and be the hottest woman. You’ll eat cake, dance, and be the happiest person there.”
My shoulders sagged, not wanting to fight him because I kind of liked showing up to my ex-fiancé’s wedding and looking happier than ever before. I loved Jake, and I loved Jackson, but I also had a petty side that laughed with glee at the idea. “Fine.”
Ian’s fists went up, and he hissed, “Yesssss.”
“Are you going to do this every time you get your way?”
“Probably.”
“Just go with it,” Erik suggested.
Everyone got up to go. Alex offered to go shopping to look for a dress for the wedding, and Hanna gave a forced smile before making excuses about a phone call. We were just about to go grab Audrey when Erik stopped Ian.
“Ian, before you go, I talked to Kyle in London just a bit ago, and he let me know they need you there for the final viewing of the building. I thought Alex and I could make a trip of it, but they need you.”
“Shit.” He looked to me with regret, and I gave him a reassuring smile.
“It’s okay. We knew you’d have to go to London at some point.”
“I know,” he said, dragging his hand through his hair. “I just didn’t want to leave so soon.”
“When do you leave? For how long?”
He grimaced, and I knew it would be bad news before he even said it. “Tomorrow. For a week, maybe two.”
Then it was me standing there, a weight on my chest, muttering, “Oh.”
He gave me a regretful smile, but there was nothing to do but push on.
“Okay. I’ll grab the pots and pans from the apartment, and you can start packing.”
“Sounds like a plan.”
By the time I made it home, it was already late, but I wanted to make dinner. Cooking would help take my mind off the fact that Ian was leaving tomorrow.
Turning up the music, I swayed my hips and stirred the sauce. I brought the wooden spoon to my lips and tasted the tangy, sweet tomato sauce, licking it clean before using it as a microphone belting out the lyrics to That’s Exactly How I Feel by Lizzo.
I stopped mid-sentence when I heard a deeper voice also singing behind me. Turning slowly, I found Ian strutting out from the hallway to the beat with Audrey in his arms as he sang.
He set Audrey in her swing before strutting toward the kitchen.
“Don’t stop now. I was hoping for a duet.”
“Oh, my god,” I laughed.
I wasn’t sure I could sing because my jaw hung open, probably with drool leaking out. Ian only wore a pair of basketball shorts. His muscles flexing with each hip thrust and roll. His biceps bulged when he rested one hand behind his head, and the other pointed my way as he humped the air.
I wouldn’t have been able to stop my eyes from traveling to the way his thick cock bounced against his shorts even if I’d taped them shut. He swiveled his hips, belting out the lyrics entrancing me with each move.
“Stop watching my dick bounce and dance with me.”
“Ian,” I screeched.
“At least jump around so I can watch your boobs bounce.”
I wanted to feel affronted at his suggestion, but happiness bubbled up until it came out as a laugh and something in me urged me to give in.
Maybe it was the way he issued it with a raised eyebrow. Maybe because I wanted to have his eyes track over my body like mine were doing to his.
Once he was finally in the kitchen, he stole my wooden-spoon-microphone and screeched more lyrics.
“You’re horrible.”
“Like you can do better?” he challenged.
I narrowed my eyes and tugged back my microphone, singing off-key and loud. I swayed my hips, twerking my butt to the beat. His eyes heated and tracked my moves, and I continued to steal glances at his bouncing tripod.
We laughed and danced around each other, not touching, but having our own little dance-off. When I thought I’d got the laughing under control, he’d pelvic thrust toward me, forcing my eyes down again. Heat spread from my cheeks down my body, making my hands twitch to tug the shorts down so I could watch him without anything blocking my view.
As the seconds ticked by, we got closer and closer, our bodies coming together like magnets. When I was sure he was going to grab me and pull me in to turn this into a dirty-dancing dance-off, the song ended, and we both stood there breathless, with wide smiles, and sexual tension vibrating between us.
The moment broke when the sound of water bubbling over the pan had me jumping into action.
“Shit.”
“Do you need help?” he asked, leaning against the counter. I made a point to ignore his knowing smile.
Now that I wasn’t entranced with his swinging dick and hard abs, I got my dirty thoughts about us screwing on the kitchen floor out of my mind.
“No, I’m good,” I answered, my voice too high-pitched.
I held my breath w
aiting for him to call me on my bullshit—waited for him to corner me against the counter and press close, maybe kiss down my neck.
But it never came, and I did my best to convince myself I was relieved. Instead, he stood tall and said, “Whatever you say, dancing queen. I’m going to go finish doing some laundry.”
And hopefully, put on a shirt before I sexually assaulted my baby-daddy.
* * *
The next day I helped him pack and vetoed his Hawaiian shirt ideas. I also vetoed a quick drop off at the curb. Instead, opting for parking at the airport and walking him in. I held Audrey in the baby carrier, bouncing side to side as he got through check-in.
“Daddy will miss you, my sweet baby girl,” Ian baby-talked between all the kisses to Audrey’s dark head of hair. “You be good, but get all those stinky poops out before Daddy comes home, okay?”
“Yeah, right. You’ll owe me after this.”
He looked up from her head and smiled, his mouth only inches from mine. I stared at the full bottom lip and wondered if I could pretend to stumble and fall against his mouth. He’d stayed true to his word and not brought up the last night in my apartment, but it didn’t mean I hadn’t laid in his guest room and dreamed of reliving it over and over.
Someone bumped into him, unfortunately knocking him sideways. He recovered and gave me the smile I was always fighting to give in to. The one that said he knew I wanted him, and he could make me scream. All I had to do was ask.
That smile.
“Don’t miss me too much.”
I scoffed. “Hardly.”
He breathed a laugh and rested his hand atop Audrey, brushing her downy hair. “Be good girls. I’ll be back soon, and we can FaceTime. Call me if you need anything at all.”
“Okay.”
He took one step away but stopped and turned back to crowd me. Holding my wide stare, he leaned down and pressed a kiss to the corner of my mouth and muttered the words that had me smiling the rest of the day.
“You may not miss me, but I’ll miss you.”