by Cole, Fiona
The big brother part of me didn’t want to cause her any more pain than she’d been through and urged me to step back and abide by her wishes, but even if Carina wasn’t my driving force for being there, we needed to talk.
“Hanna, you’re my family. We need to talk about this.”
“Here’s a better idea: we never talk about this.”
“While I see the appeal, it won’t work. The holidays are coming up, and we should clear the air of all the awkward silences around each other.”
She sighed, sitting back in her seat, finally giving me an irritated glare. Good. That was much better than the embarrassed shame when I first walked in. “Then let there be awkward silences.”
“See, here’s the problem.” I closed the door behind me and made myself comfortable in one of her office chairs. “Erik would notice, and then he’d figure out what happened, and then he’d kill me because, while I want to believe he loves me more, we all know you’re his number one. He’d find out I’d hurt you and promptly murder me. And I have a little girl to raise. So, death would really put a damper on that.”
She tried to look anywhere but at me, swallowing a few times, hesitating, but I waited her out. We couldn’t avoid this—I wouldn’t.
“I’m sorry,” she finally muttered. “It was a mistake.”
“Don’t apologize. I told you, you could talk to me about anything.”
When she nodded and dug her teeth into her bottom lip, I knew she was done talking, and I needed to make her understand. We couldn’t leave it like this.
“Listen, Hanna,” I began, leaning forward to rest my elbows on my knees. “We’re family, and a little proclamation of love won’t break us. Because here’s the thing, what we share isn’t that deep romantic love you deserve. It isn’t the romance, flowers, dates, kisses in the rain kind of love.” A single tear slipped down her cheek, and she quickly brushed it away. I wanted to go to her and hold her, make it better for her, but I couldn’t. She needed to hear this and, more importantly, believe it. “What you feel for me is comfort. I’m the only single male you allow yourself to be you around. And while I’m an exceptional specimen,” I winked, earning me a small laugh, “I’m not for you. He’s out there once you let yourself look.”
“You know I can’t,” she said, shaking her head.
“No, Hanna. I know you can.” She lifted her emerald eyes to mine as more tears slipped free. “I understand it’s hard, but one day you’ll be going about your day and not even realize it happened—you’re on a romantic date telling someone you love them—really love them. And I can’t wait to watch it and be the one to tell you I told you so.”
Another small laugh. “Ian…”
“I love you, Hanna, but not like the love you deserve.”
Another nod and some more sniffs before she stood to make her way around the desk. I stood too and met her halfway, pulling her small frame into my body and holding her close. She shed a few more tears, but eventually pulled back and smiled.
“But, hey,” I began, my eyes narrowed in warning. “Don’t ever wear lingerie like that again. You’re a young lady, and I’d have to gouge the eyes out of any guy who saw such innocence. You should try a muumuu. Men love muumuus.”
She stepped back and slapped my chest. “Ha. Ha. Such sage advice.”
“I’m Yoda over here. Basically, the Gandhi of relationships.”
“Speaking of relationships,” she began, tucking her hair behind her ear. “Did I ruin things between you and Carina?”
I wanted an immediate denial to fall from my lips, but I wasn’t sure. I’d messaged her a little bit ago, and she’d asked for more space. Fear had climbed up my throat, but I’d forced it down, believing she didn’t want to make the space permanent.
“We’ll be okay.” Bending my knees, I made sure Hanna was taking in my words. “We’ll all be okay.” She nodded, and I took a deep breath. She wasn’t going to be happy with what I said next, but it needed to happen. “I need you to apologize to Carina.”
Her eyes shot up, wide. “Ian—“she protested.
I hardened my expression. “You have to, Hanna. She deserves it, at the least, but also, I need you to do it, so we can fix this. You’re both my family, and I need you to be able to be in the same room at some point, and that starts with a pretty damn big apology.”
She swallowed and nodded again. “Okay.”
“Thank you, Little Brandt.”
We had one last hug and agreed it was best never to mention anything about it to Erik and then I was on my way home.
My empty home.
God, I missed my girls. It’d only been a day, but I hated coming home to an empty house. I miss the baby coos that greeted me, and Carina dancing around the kitchen. I looked down at my phone, taking in sleeping Audrey, barely fighting back the urge to call them.
She said she was at her dad’s, but I knew better. She was back at her apartment. She’d want to be alone, not somewhere she’d have to explain herself. I almost turned right to head to her place rather than left to go to mine, but I didn’t.
Instead, I promised myself that tomorrow…tomorrow I’d go get my girls.
* * *
Carina
Kent stayed for two movies and almost half the bottle of bourbon.
He’d called an Uber and told me to call him if I needed anyone’s ass kicked.
It’d been nice having company. It’d been exactly what I needed because while I’d enjoyed my time with Kent, each second that passed, I realized how much I wanted it to be Ian laughing by my side.
I was still beyond hurt, but even through the ache, I wanted him. I wanted to talk to him. I wanted to work through whatever had happened. I wasn’t ready to give up on us just yet.
By the time Kent left, a weight had lifted off my battered heart. I wanted to call Ian, but when I looked at the time it was so late, and Audrey was cranky. I promised myself I’d call him in the morning when I was less beat.
Audrey’s cough was a little worse than earlier, and when I tried to feed her, she was having none of it. She’d been disgruntled and whimpering on and off until she finally passed out.
I didn’t know how much time had passed before her cries jerked me out of a deep sleep. Her face was red as she let loose. The only time she’d stop crying was when she was coughing. When I picked her up to comfort her, she was warm. Quickly, I pulled the blanket from around her and took her temperature.
Adrenaline coursed through my veins when it read one-hundred-and-one-point-nine. After a quick google search, I stripped her down and held her close as I called the on-call nurse. She informed that I could give her Tylenol and see if it brought her temperature down. If not, to bring her in immediately.
Audrey was pissed about the medicine, and I wasn’t sure how much of it actually made it in her mouth. I used a warm washcloth to help with her fever and tried to feed her, but she wouldn’t eat. When she’d finally cried herself to sleep again on my chest, I let a few tears fall. I hated seeing my baby in pain and not knowing what to do to help. She slept and coughed every once in a while as I sat still and wished Ian were there to help.
It wasn’t long before Audrey stirred again, woken up by another coughing fit. Her skin burned hotter than ever, and when I took her temperature again, it read one-hundred-and-four.
Panic stole my breath and pulled my skin too tight. Blood rushed too hard to my head, and I was sure I was going to pass out.
With shaking hands, I put her in her car seat and grabbed the diaper bag, rushing down the stairs to head to the ER, constantly talking and soothing her the whole time. Not that she could hear me over her cries.
When I pulled into the ER, they took my information and surprisingly had an empty room, so we got checked in immediately. They’d run a slew of tests and Audrey slept as we waited for the results.
With the lights dim, and Audrey’s wheezing cough the only sound in the room, all the adrenaline rushed from my body and the tears I’d been holdin
g back came. I couldn’t remember the last time I’d cried as much as I had in the past two days.
I was tired—drained and exhausted—and I didn’t want to do this alone.
It was three in the morning, and I knew he might not pick up, but I had to try.
“Hello?”
Ian’s sleep roughened voice only made the tears come harder.
“Carina? Baby, what’s wrong?”
“Ian.” I barely got his name out.
“Please talk to me. Please. Where are you?”
I could hear the panic in his voice, and I took a deep breath, trying to calm down.
“Audrey’s cough was really bad, and she woke up with a fever. I tried to get it down, but it just got higher. And she was so upset.”
“Carina, where are you?”
“Cincinnati Children’s Hospital. They’re waiting for test results. I just…I need you.”
“I’m on my way. Hang in there, baby. I’ll be there as fast as I can.”
“Okay. Thank you, Ian.”
Just knowing he was on his way calmed me more than I thought possible. And when he finally made it, walking through the door, I didn’t hesitate to throw myself in his arms, feeling like I could breathe for the first time.
“Thank you. Thank you,” I whispered over and over again.
He leaned back and cradled my face in his palms, wiping tears away from my cheeks. “I’m here now. Okay. We’ve got this. You’re not alone.”
I couldn’t get words past the lump in my throat, so I settled on nodding. He walked over to where Audrey slept in her little baby bed, just staring, so he didn’t wake her up.
“Is she okay?”
“Yeah. We’re just waiting for the doctor to come in and tell us what’s wrong.”
He pulled me into his arms again and held me up when I was sure I’d crumble.
"Ian,” I mumbled into his chest. “I thought I could do this alone, but I can’t. I need you with me to do this. I have no idea what I’m doing, and I’m not strong enough to do it without you.”
“What are you talking about?” he asked above me, stroking my hair. “You’re Carina freaking Russo, ruler of them all. You don’t need me. I’m just here to look pretty.”
Somehow, I managed a choked laugh and held on tighter, finding strength in his arms. “Thank you, Ian. You always make me laugh.”
“I’ll remind you of that the next time you roll your eyes at my jokes.” He tugged my hair until I was looking up into his silver eyes. “I wouldn’t be anywhere else.”
He pressed a soft kiss to the crown of my head and shifted us to sit in the two chairs against the wall. We didn’t say anything while we waited. Just sat there, holding hands, being each other’s lifelines.
When the doctor came back in, he let us know she had Respiratory Syncytial Virus. He said her oxygen levels were low and she was dehydrated. A nurse came in to give her an IV of fluid, which took seven tries. I held her hand in mine and Ian held me, both of us being strong for our little girl.
By the time we had everything hooked up and monitoring her, the sun was coming up.
“Why don’t you get some sleep,” Ian suggested, rubbing my back.
“No. I want to be awake if she needs me.”
“You’ll be right here the whole time. Just rest your eyes. I’ll take care of you both for now.”
Tears glossed my eyes again and I managed a jerky nod, before leaning in to press a gentle kiss to his cheek. “Thank you.”
“I wouldn’t be anywhere else but with you.”
29 Ian
By the time we walk into our apartment two days later, I could have collapsed in gratitude, falling to my floor and promising to never leave it again. Staying in hospitals was the worst. Staying in a hospital because the center of your world is sick, is epically horrible.
“Oh, thank God,” Carina sighed, setting the car seat down by the couch and collapsing back.
I’d tried to get her to leave to shower and sleep in a real bed, but she refused to leave Audrey’s side. It was the longest two days of my life watching her hooked up to machines. But in the end, it was worth it because now we were back home. Audrey had a little cough and some congestion but was eating and overall a much happier baby.
It was good to see both my girls smiling again.
“I’m going to feed her and then put her to sleep.”
“Sounds good. I’ll order some dinner. Burgers?”
“Ew. No. That Italian place on the corner would be great.”
Huffing a laugh, I pulled out the menu and ordered. Who knew I’d find such pleasure in Carina correcting my choices. When the food was ordered, I walked back to the living room, finding Audrey latched on like she hadn’t ever eaten a day in her life.
“I don’t think I’ll ever not find that the most beautiful thing.”
Carina smiled up at me and then back down to Audrey, stroking her fat baby cheek.
“I mean, don’t get me wrong. I seriously miss kissing and playing with your breasts, but I guess I can share.”
She rolled her eyes, and it sank into my chest, expanding my heart like she’d told me she loved me. It was her way of caring. If she really didn’t care about you, she wouldn’t react, but each eye roll was its own confession.
We hadn’t talked about us when we were in the hospital. There were still so many unspoken decisions to be made, but for the first time since I watched her walk out my door, I felt like things were truly going to be okay. It hadn’t been the time to dive into the words that needed to be said—the apologies needed to be heard. No, we’d been each other’s rocks—our life rafts with each passing day in the hospital. It was like a truce had been made, but now that we were home, that truce would only last so long.
Once she’d finished feeding, I offered to change Audrey and put her to bed. Carina must have been tired because she let me without a fight. I was sure she’d stay glued to our baby’s side for the next year, at least, to make sure she was okay.
When I came out of the guest room where I assumed Carina would be sleeping for a while, the bags of food were on the table, but Carina was nowhere to be found.
“Carina?”
I checked the kitchen, but it was empty. I finally found her laid out on our bed, asleep on top of the covers with her shoes still on. I could’ve stared at her forever, remembering the fear I had a few days ago that I’d never see her in our bed again.
Moving quietly, I slipped her shoes off and grabbed a blanket from the closet, pulling it over her. Then I climbed in beside her.
I must have dozed because it was dark by the time I woke and Carina was fully tucked into my chest, the hot puffs of her breath hitting my neck. Unable to help myself, I brushed my fingers through her hair and shifted back enough to press a kiss to her forehead.
“Ian?” she murmured, her voice thick with sleep.
“Shh. It’s just me. Go ahead and sleep.”
“Is Audrey awake?”
“No, she’s still out.”
“Did you eat?”
“Not yet, baby. I wanted to wait for you.”
Her body stiffened before slowly easing back. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to fall asleep in your bed.”
Your bed.
The clarification that she didn’t see this as her bed anymore popped my bubble of illusion that we could move on so easily.
She eased out of bed and finger-combed her hair, avoiding my gaze. Finally looking back over her shoulder, she gave a forced smile. “Let’s go ahead and eat while we can.”
“K. I’ll go get it set up.”
“I’m going to grab a quick shower and meet you out there.”
I had the food reheated by the time she strolled out in an old T-shirt and black leggings; her face completely clean of make-up. She was stunning.
I was grabbing plates, almost dropping them, when heat pressed to my back before her arms wrapped around my waist.
“Thank you, Ian. Thank you for being there whe
n I needed you.”
I only hesitated a moment before turning in her arms, needing to see her face. “I’ll always be there. Even if you don’t want me to be, I will always be waiting to be what you need.”
Her blue eyes shined with tears that didn’t fall, her lips rolling between her teeth, but she didn’t pull away.
“Carina, I’m so sorry.”
She did step back then, dropping her eyes to the floor. “I know.”
“No, you don’t.” I stepped into her personal space, lifting her chin so she could see how serious I was. “You think I’m sorry it happened, but you’re wrong. I’m sorry for how much I hurt you. I’m sorry that it was all my fault for not making your concerns more important than my comfort. I’m sorry I questioned your reasoning because I should always stand by your side.”
When one tear slid free, I cradled her face in my palms and wiped it away with my thumbs.
“Mostly, Carina, I’m sorry I made you feel like another person was more important than you. Because I love you. I love you more than I thought possible and I’m terrified I broke any chance of you loving me back when I didn’t give you one-hundred-percent of my trust. I’m more sorry than you’ll ever know.”
“Ian,” she breathed, her voice shaky.
“You don’t have to say anything back, just please say that you won’t leave.”
“I won’t leave.”
Three simple words that had my body on the verge of floating away. “Thank you, baby.”
I leaned down to kiss her, but she pulled back, and I froze.
“I’m not leaving, but we still need time to work through this. I just need that time with you by my side.”
“Okay. I can do that.”
“Thank you for understanding, Ian.”
“Anything for you.”
With a small smile, she stepped back, but I had one more thing to say.
“I talked to Hanna. I know it’s too little, too late, but I did talk to her to clear the air. Being completely honest with you, I can’t cut her out of my life. She means too much to me, and I mean that in the most familial way possible, but you and Audrey are my world, and for that, I can compromise. Just tell me what to do.”