Have Mercy

by N. E. Henderson

  “You hate her? Fine. I get that. It isn’t like I care for her that much either. But like you, she is still the mother of one of my sons. I have to at least give her that. She raised him, she’s been there for him when I couldn’t be, she has always doted on him.”

  “God, for someone as smart as you are, you’re a complete dumb-fuck when it comes to her.” She snorts. “Dote on him, my ass. If you call leaving a twelve-year-old home alone while she went off to vacation in France doting, then I guess she fucking dotes on him.”

  “What the hell are you talking about? She would never—”

  “Don’t,” she fires back, the fair skin across her face and neck blazing with a red tint. “Don’t even finish that thought, because you are clueless. The day you leave on tour is always the day she flies off to wherever she pleases; Paris, New York, Milan. She leaves Brandon alone to fend for himself. He’s why I’m here. He’s why I moved across the fucking country. She thought she was toughening him up for God knows what, but what she was really doing was damaging her son. Being alone scares the hell out of him, because she’s done it over and over and over for years, and you haven’t seen it. You’re blind or something when it comes to her. That is what I don’t get, Jamie.”

  “She wouldn’t.” I shake my head, denying her words, though, Jenna isn’t lying. I know she believes this, but I also know Julia wouldn’t do what she’s claiming. No mother or parent would. It’s not fathomable.

  “Keep living in your bubble, Jamie. I don’t give a fuck. You wanted to know why he OD’ed. Now you know. I can’t help it if you don’t like the answer, or that, once again, you don’t believe me. I’ve never lied to you. I may not tell you certain things, but I don’t lie about it.” She takes a deep breath, her disappointed eyes staring at me. “I have to go. I don’t want you here when I get back this afternoon.”

  She’s out the door, slamming it behind her before I can formulate words.

  Fuck.

  What did I just do?

  My phone rings again from where I’m clutching it in my hands.

  I have to fix this. I can’t keep not believing or not taking her words as the gospel. I don’t stand a chance in hell of putting us back together if I keep doing this.

  But . . . how am I supposed to believe Julia would do such atrocities?

  I won’t get that answer until I talk to the cunt I stupidly married if I don’t answer the phone.

  “What do you want?” my irritated voice asks. “Being divorced means I don’t have to talk to you anymore. What wasn’t clear about that?”

  “Thank God.” Her voice rushes out her words like she is panicked. “You have to come home, Jamie.”

  “That’s not my home anymore, Jules. It’s yours. Like I said before—”

  “Brandon is missing.”

  Everything in my head stops. This is one of the worst things a parent can be told short of the only other I don’t want to say or fathom. My world stops. Brandon is missing.

  32

  — Jenna —

  How dare him!

  How dare Jamie practically accuse me of lying.

  That’s exactly why I didn’t want to have that particular conversation with him. It should be between Jamie and Brandon. I didn’t have a right to interfere, and look where it got me? Back to square one. No. Four paces before that. I’m back to where I was the night I came home and found her in Jamie’s bed with his dick, my dick, inside of her. Only this time, I didn’t crumble to the ground.

  If he expects that, then he’s got a rude awakening coming. I’m not that girl. I’m not naïve or needy. I don’t need a man to survive or to get through life. I was doing one hell of a job of that without him, and I’ll keep doing it when he’s gone.

  And after this morning? He will be gone. I’m not doing this. If Danny wants to have a relationship with his father—fine. I’ll be supportive, but Jamie better understand that he cannot and will not put our son in his limelight. He can’t openly call Danny his son. Not in the public eye. I won’t bend on that, not even for Danny. I don’t care that he’s damn near grown, I’m not taking that chance. I can’t.

  The only thing that has the power to bring me to my knees, to crush me, is my boy’s safety.

  I tried hard not to love Brandon the way I do. I tried to keep my distance, and when we lived thousands of miles apart, I could easily lie to myself and pretend they were just friends.

  Problem is, Brandon was never just my son’s best friend. I fell in love with my son’s brother the first day I met him.

  Fourteen years ago

  I did it.

  I graduated from the FBI academy after the longest, most intense five months of my life. There were countless times I wanted to quit. I didn’t believe I had what it took to be an agent, and I still may not. I only applied this morning, a couple of hours ago while I was waiting for my flight that would bring me home; bring me back to my three-year-old that I haven’t seen in far too long.

  I know he was safe in Anne and Roger’s care, but being away from my son and only getting to come back twice to see him even in those five months were hell. I may never be able to let him out of my sight again.

  When Josh showed up on my doorstep almost a year ago to the day, I never would have imagined I’d be where I am today—a possible FBI agent in the making. He says I’m a shoo-in. I don’t know what real pull he has, he’s only been an agent for less than two years.

  I stayed with him, Jessica, and their one-year-old baby girl while I attended the academy. When I wasn’t training with my classmates and teachers, I was training with Josh. He was determined to make me as good as he was in not only firearms, but computer intelligence, operational skills, and physical endurance.

  I never imagined I’d be as fit as I am right now. I can take down men twice my weight. If that isn’t a power trip, I don’t know what is.

  I’m just praying all those extra hours he spent with me pay off. It’s still strange being around him again after everything he put me through. Living in his home, getting to know his wife, I see another side of Josh; a side that I’d hoped for that night he dropped me off and then vanished. He isn’t the same person he was, and neither am I. I still haven’t figured out if that’s a good thing where I’m concerned. Not a day goes by that I don’t think about Jamie and what could have been.

  I’m not bitter anymore. I was for a very long time; that is until I met Jessica, Josh’s wife. She helped me work through a lot. I still have a long way to go, but she is convinced, with time, I’ll get over him. I didn’t have the heart to tell her I don’t believe that. The way I feel for Jamie won’t just go away one day. I’ll have to learn how to live without him for the rest of my life.

  My son helps with that; though, he’s too young to realize just how much. He was a Godsend really. If I hadn’t had him, I think I would have allowed myself to fall into a deep pit of depression that I would have never been able to crawl back out of. Danny is my savior, my lifeline.

  And now I’m finally back home to my precious little man.

  I raise my arm and knock on the Hart’s front door. My body is buzzing with anticipation. I need to see his cute little angel face like I need my next breath of air.

  After a few seconds, the door swings open, but Annie nor Roger are here to greet me. Instead, I find my eyes lowering to the cutest blond-haired boy I’ve ever seen. His hair, like I imagine Danny’s full head of black strands are all over the place on his little head. He aims his eyes up at me, his small little head tipping backward.

  “You a pretty lady,” he tells me, a lopsided smile on his handsome face. I’m too shocked to form words, or thank him for his compliment.

  “Momma!” I hear, then look behind him, seeing Danny running toward me. He jolts past his half-brother, his arms already raised for me to pick him up, which I do, squeezing him tight. “That’s Bran-din,” he says, saying the boy’s name the best he can. “He my best friend.”

  My eyes close and I hug my son even
closer.

  “Elise—I mean Jenna,” Anne says. ”Crap. I didn’t know you were coming today. Did you tell me you were coming?” Her voice comes out too rushed and too worried, which is so unlike her, but then so is not telling me Jamie’s other son was here.

  We had an agreement—her and I. Jamie can’t find out about Danny. Hell, even Roger thinks the same thing everyone else in this town thinks; that I got pregnant when I ran off with some random guy I didn’t know. Though, in all honesty, I don’t know how Jamie’s dad doesn’t see how much Danny looks like his son.

  “No. I thought it would be a great surprise for you and Danny. Seems like I’m the one that’s surprised though. Anne,” I draw out, “you want to explain?”

  “Come in,” she says on a sigh, her kind eyes already pleading with me while my fear is mounting to epic proportions that have my heart rate speeding up.

  Why is he here?

  He can’t be here. Not while Danny is here.

  Why did she do this?

  Oh, God! Did she tell Jamie? Please, no. Anything but that. He won’t understand. I mean, how could he. Even if my reasons and fears are valid, I still keep his son’s existence from him. He’s mad at me now? He won’t ever forgive me for this. Not that I think he’ll ever forgive me for thinking I ditched him and took off, when really, I was kidnapped and tortured for three months.

  No. There is nothing I can do to earn that forgiveness, even if I made the only choice I had at the time. Had Jamie believed me, everything would have been different. I would have told him. But then what danger would that have put our son in? Julia is an evil, rich bitch. If she was capable of doing what she did and fool everyone, what would she have done if she’d thought my son, who she ordered Josh to kill, was still alive?

  No. I can’t let her find that out, and this is why Danny can’t be here when Brandon is. He just can’t.

  I glance down before stepping inside the house. He’s staring up at me, his innocent eyes going from me to the boy in my arms.

  “Up,” he says, lifting both arms just the way Danny did when he wanted me to pick him up.

  “Come here, Brandon,” Anne calls, but he doesn’t pay her a lick of attention. His eyes are focused on me and me alone.

  “Up,” he says again.

  Hell.

  My chest sinks and my breathing becomes labored.

  I know I shouldn’t do it, even before I bend down, lifting him up on my other side. Holding both toddlers in my arms, something inside my chest changes, but I don’t know what. I can’t pinpoint the difference, but I feel it happening. I know something has changed and there is no going back from this moment.

  “You real pretty,” he says again, making my lips tip up. Then he practically falls forward, his small little mouth smashing against my cheek, spit and drool coats the side of my face, dripping off, but it’s one of the best feelings I’ve ever had. Tears pool in my eyes and I know I’m fucked.

  Present

  I exhale, blowing the memory of my first encounter with such a cute little boy that unexpectedly captured half of my heart. But that’s exactly what Brandon holds in the palm of his hands. If anything bad were to happen to him or Danny, I don’t think I’d survive that.

  I can handle anything dished out to me. I know I could even handle being captured again. My boys, I couldn’t, and because of that, I have to stay focused on them.

  My job already takes up so much of my time. I don’t have any more of me to give Jamie. I’m stretched too thin. At least that’s what I’m telling myself as I walk up the stairs at the safe house.

  Like always, the door is open, but I don’t hear voices.

  When I walk in, Malachi is standing behind Kelly, peeking over her shoulder with a concerned look on his face. His eyes snap to mine, but I don’t nod in greeting or say ‘morning’ like I usually do. Flicking my eyes toward the window, I see Josh sitting at the main station; the one with the three computer monitors sitting on top of the desk. His back is to me and he has a mug in his hands. It’s coffee. He goes through more cups in a couple of hours than is probably considered healthy in regard to a safe consumption of caffeine in that short amount of time.

  I drop my purse into the reclining chair closest to the door. It’s not unusual for Josh or Mal to fall asleep here from time to time. Jess had comfortable chairs put in a couple of years back.

  Crossing my arms, I stare at the back of Josh’s head, suddenly pissed off, remembering the photos Jamie showed me yesterday at his rental house.

  “Did you know she took pictures of us?” I ask, the snarl forming on my lips uncontrollable.

  Josh’s mug pauses halfway to his lips. “Yes.” He doesn’t hesitate to answer me, but he isn’t quick to face me.

  “Why didn’t you tell me?” I don’t wait until he answers, having more to get out of my mouth before I combust. “Had I known, I would have understood why Jamie believed her.”

  After a beat—a beat too long in my book—he twists around and then stands. Disgust mars his mature but still beautiful face. For forty, Josh is in the best shape of his life and it shows. If I didn’t know him like I do, if I hadn’t experienced things at his hand, I wouldn’t believe he’d have even been capable of such cruelty. He gives his all to saving more lives than he ever hurt. He’s passionate about this job and takes more things to heart than the rest of us.

  “It didn’t matter,” he finally says. “You gave him no reason not to trust you. Yet, at the first sign, he bailed on you.”

  “You didn’t know that, though. You only knew what I told you.”

  “The truth,” he deadpans. ”Yes, you’re right, Jen.”

  “You didn’t know you could trust me back then,” I reiterate. “You didn’t know if I was faithful.”

  “Hayes,” Josh barks, glancing first at Malachi, then he flicks his gaze to Kelly. “McKinley. Get out.”

  Kelly scrambles, pushing her chair back and making Malachi jump out of the way. Kelly McKinley is a newer agent and doesn’t like to get on Josh’s bad side. She’s more of the ‘yes’ type when it comes to our boss.

  Malachi, on the other hand, is slow to vacate the room, his eyes on me the whole time, making sure I really want him to leave me alone with our boss over personal shit that even he thinks I need to let go. Mal hates that I silently pine over Jamie. Hell, I hate it too, but it’s not like a person can simply cut off those feelings—at least I can’t.

  Once the door is closed behind Malachi, Josh’s voice booms so loud the people on the first floor can probably hear him. “He doesn’t deserve you!”

  That pisses me the fuck off and I lash back. “And you deserve Jessica?” I yell just as loud. Honestly, though, I hope she didn’t hear me. She doesn’t like addressing the past and she doesn’t like her and Josh being the topic of conversation.

  I can picture a scowl on her face and that’s enough to make me regret my choice of words, not for snapping at Josh; he deserved that and maybe more.

  Maybe I’ll let Danny go train tonight so Josh and I can handle our shit in the ring. Lord knows we’re going to need the tension release after this argument.

  Josh is silent, and I know my dig struck a nerve. If there is one thing I’ve learned, it’s where to hit him to make it hurt the most, and physical hits aren’t the way. Those only work out the aggression we both harbor from time to time.

  Josh thinks his way is the only way. He thinks he’s right and everyone else just needs to fall in line with him or get the fuck out. He ends up being right more times than he’s not, so I don’t give him too much flack unless I know he’s in the wrong.

  “I know I don’t deserve my wife or even my daughter, Cat, but at least I’ve tried to reverse all the bad shit I’ve done. What has he done for you?” He strides the short distance to stand in front of me. He towers over me, the same as Malachi does, but it doesn’t intimidate me like it once did. “He married her. He forgot about you. He fucked every pussy he came in contact with on tours. You’ve seen
that with your own eyes. And you’re worth more. That’s all I’m saying.”

  “You still should have told me.”

  “We weren’t friends. Not even when I brought you home. We had an understanding: I was letting you go free. That was it. We didn’t come to have what we do now; respect, loyalty, trust, until many years later.”

  “Do I need to repeat myself?”

  He leans forward, dropping a kiss onto my forehead, lingering with his lips pressed against my skin. Malachi may be my best friend, but Josh is like the brother I never had. He’s more than a boss or a former tormentor. Like Malachi, he’s family.

  He steps back, but his hands remain on my shoulders. “No. But I wasn’t wrong to not tell you, and you’ll never convince me that I was.”

  “And you’ll never convince me that you should have kept that detail from me.” I drop my arms, knowing he isn’t going to change his stance and neither am I.

  I can say it would have changed things, had I known, but would it really have? Jamie still didn’t believe me or trust me, so even though Josh should have shared that information, it wouldn’t have changed one thing between Jamie and me. We’d still be right where we are today.

  “We’ll have to agree to disagree then. Not like it’ll be the first time.” He sighs, telling me he’s finished and doesn’t care if I agree with his last statement or not. He turns away from me, walking back to the computers. “We got shit to do today. Port security reported a vessel docking that hadn’t been on their schedule. They’ve checked it out, but I want you and Hayes to go down there and check it out again.”

  “Consider it handled, but there’s something else I have to tell you first. And you aren’t going to like it.”

  “Instead of telling me I’m not gonna like something, just spit the shit out. I swear you and Jess think you have to preface shit with me and it only pisses me off.”