Vampires Don't Sparkle!

by Mia Archer

  So I decided to keep my big mouth shut. For the moment.

  “Come on,” I said. “There are vampires lurking, and we need to find them.”

  “So you’re not going to try and stop me?” she asked, suddenly sounding hopeful. Maybe she’d been expecting a fight. Hardly surprising, considering how our last conversation ended.

  “Yeah, well I figure it’s the only way I’m going to be able to keep an eye on you,” I said. “The last thing I need is you going around the school dressed like that. You’re more likely to have someone call in a school shooter than you are to find a vampire.”

  “Whatever,” she said. “They can’t stop me for having some squirt guns at my side. I’d like to see them try.”

  “Come on,” I said.

  “You’re not even going to ask about the crowd down there?”

  I paused on the edge of heading down the stairs. Turned to look at her. I arched an eyebrow.

  “What about the crowd down there?”

  “Aren’t you going to look and see if any of the vampires are down there?” she said. “Seems to me that might be where they were hanging out waiting to snack on someone.”

  I crossed my arms and stared at her. “Okay. So you’ve been up here watching. Are there any vampires down there? Or were you waiting up here because you thought the same thing I did? That if there was anyplace a vampire would be hanging out tonight it was in a nice quiet spot where they could scope out a victim without being seen?”

  She blushed and looked away. “Fine. Let’s go out see if they’re anywhere else in the school then.”

  “I thought you’d say something like that,” I said.

  I didn’t bother to float down the stairs this time around. What was the point? It’s not like I was going to run into any vampires, and if I did then I was going to give them a piece of my mind and a piece of my scythe, because I was in that kind of mood after seeing Stacy skulking around this place after she’d promised she wouldn’t go anywhere without me.

  Sure I’d also sort of promised her that I’d take her with me, but to be fair I had been going to her house to get her and she’d gone off on her own. Yeah, the more I thought about it the more good and pissed off I got.

  “Is something wrong?” she asked.

  “Nothing’s wrong,” I said, glancing around and trying to think about where I would go if I was a teenage vampire returning to high school.

  So…" I said. "If you were a vampire, where the hell would you be hanging out?"

  "That's a good question," Stacy said. "I've been thinking about it, and…"

  She trailed off as we both got our answer without any searching at all. I could still hear the distinct sounds of a swim meet going on behind us. That was a lot louder than I would’ve thought, though a lot of that was probably because it was in a room that echoed like a motherfucker. I'd never heard one of those meets from the outside, and listening hit me with another song of regret.

  That noise wasn’t enough to drown out the scream though.

  “I guess that’s our answer,” Stacy said.

  “I guess so,” I said. “Son of a bitch!”

  “We need to find her and stop those bastards!” Stacy said, grabbing a stake and holding it out in front of her.

  I would’ve laughed if I hadn’t seen the way she beat the shit out of the last vampire that dared go up against her. If she’d had a stake the last time around then that girl might not still be around.

  The current screaming sounded like it was happening on the other side of the school, and that had to be a loud scream indeed if it was this loud even though it was far away.

  "Motherfucker,” I growled. "They went after someone in another part of the school where we wouldn't be looking!"

  "Clever bloodsuckers," Stacy said.

  "Too clever by far," I said, thinking about the girl in the cafeteria. They would’ve gotten away with it too, if it hadn't been for the meddling reaper who came along and ruined their fun.

  "Come on!" I said. "We need to get to the scene of the crime and try to catch them before they get away!"

  If I was going to come across some poor girl who was being transformed into a vampire then I had every intention of actually catching the vampires who were trying to transform her into a fucking vampire in the act so I could drag each and every one of them to the other side kicking and screaming!

  As we took off I glanced at Stacy. Those vampires better hope I got to them first, because if Stacy got there first then they were going to be little piles of ash before I could even think about sending them on to their eternal reward.

  16

  Band Geeks

  “Are you sure we shouldn't check the cafeteria first?" Stacy said.

  "Why would we check the cafeteria first?" I asked.

  "Well that's where they attacked last time," she said. “Aren’t killers supposed to return to the scene of the crime or something?”

  “You’re thinking about serial killers, not vampires,” I said.

  “Aren’t vampires serial killers? They have to kill more than three people to get their food. At least if they’re any good and last long enough,” she said.

  "Yeah, but just because that's where they attacked last time doesn't mean it's going to be the same this time,” I said. “We’re talking Draculas, not Buffalo Bill! Now come on so we can find the source of that scream!”

  “I think it came from down by the cafeteria,” Stacy said, then held a hand up to stop my protest before I could get started. “Probably the band room past the cafeteria. That’d be a reasonable place for those bloodsuckers to look for someone after hours anyway. Band geeks hang out and practice after school all the time."

  "And how would you know that?" I asked.

  "Because I'm here after school for cheerleading practice all the time, and there's always a sound like a dying cat in heat coming from that room."

  I skidded to a halt at the vivid picture she’d just painted and grinned. That grin very quickly turned to a snicker. That snicker very rapidly turned to an outright laugh. I leaned against some lockers, because otherwise I was going to lose it.

  Stacy started laughing too. It was nice to have something to cut the tension.

  "Thanks," I said. "I had no idea how much I needed that."

  "Don't mention it," she said. "But seriously. It sounds like they're killing someone in there on the regular. If someone was being attacked by a vampire it’d be the perfect crime. No one would know the difference!"

  That was good for another round of giggling. Giggling that only came to a stop when I heard another shriek echoing through the hallway.

  “That definitely sounds like it’s coming from the band and choir hallway,” Stacy said.

  Stacy hit me with a look that crept very close to "I told you so," without actually saying it. Not that she needed to actually come out and say it. Not when it was so obvious she’d been right.

  "Come on," I said. "And yes. You were totally right.”

  "As long as you can admit when you're wrong from time to time," she said, blowing me a kiss.

  Then she really surprised me by jumping on me. Some of those stakes in her bandolier pressed up against me. It would've been uncomfortable, but she was pressing her lips against mine and opening her mouth, and holy shit we were making out in the middle of the halls!

  I was pretty sure there were a lot of people who did this sort of thing and didn’t get caught, but all I could think about was the last people who were caught and had gotten in school suspension for nearly a week. It’d been all over the school almost before it happened.

  Not that I was too worried. Something told me any teacher who saw me in my current getup would decide they didn’t want anything to do with whatever we were doing.

  I mean it’s not like I was complaining about making out in the halls with Stacy, but it was still a bit of a surprise to be making out in the halls with Stacy. Especially when I started to get a little bit of tongue action.


  I moved my hands down and was about to give her butt a nice squeeze, I figured why not have a little fun if that's what she was obviously after, but my hand brushed against one of the squirt guns at her side and I remembered there was serious shit going on here.

  Right. Vampires to catch. Making out with my girlfriend was something I could do anytime. Rescuing someone from a band of bloodsucking vampires was something I could only do right here and right now.

  As much fun as it would be to keep making out, there was more important stuff going on here tonight.

  Stacy made a disappointed noise when I pulled away. I patted her on the cheek and leaned in to kiss her again. It took every ounce of my self-control to stop from turning that into yet another make out session, but somehow I managed.

  That make out session was tempting, but it being tempting was precisely why I shouldn't be doing it.

  "Later," I said.

  "You bet your ass later," she replied.

  "And I'm going to need you to go ahead and wear that bandolier and do the whole Lara Croft vampire hunter thing you have going for you too."

  A grin split her face. There was a twinkle in her eye that said she was going to enjoy the fuck out of wearing her outfit when we were making out later. I shivered thinking about it, but another scream pulled me back to reality.

  I rolled my eyes. Why did some terrified person being hunted by fucking vampires have to keep ruining my chances at having a moment with my girlfriend? Though honestly I’d just discovered another reason why it was a bad idea to have Stacy along on these things, and this time it didn’t have anything to do with worries about her getting attacked by vampires.

  "Damn it," I growled. "We're coming! Hold your horses!"

  "To be fair," Stacy said. "If someone is getting murdered by a bunch of bloodsucking vampires then they’re probably not stopping to think about how rude it is that they’re interrupting our make out session."

  "So inconsiderate," I said.

  We sped down the halls towards the band room. I had my scythe out at my side, and then an idea hit me as I realized I was running the old fashioned way rather than taking advantage of my awesome “death incarnate” abilities. So I jumped in the air and floated ahead of Stacy. I could float far faster than she could ever hope to run, after all.

  "Hey!" she said. "No fair!"

  I threw my head back and laughed as I floated my way down the hall. And then turned to shout after her.

  "I said I'd let you come along on these vampire hunting expeditions! I never said I’d let you get there first!"

  Stacy flipped a very rude gesture my way. A gesture that was also a suggestion for something very interesting we could get up to later that night when we continued the fun that’d been so rudely interrupted by the person maybe getting murdered by vampires.

  She could flip me off all she wanted. This was a good compromise between keeping my word and keeping her safe. I could get in there ahead of her, assess the situation and figure out if it was dangerous, then take care of that danger well before she arrived on the scene. She could help with the cleanup.

  I had a feeling I was going to hear about this genius plan later, but at least she’d be safe.

  "I'm going to get you for this!" Stacy said.

  “I’d like to see you try!” I shouted over my shoulder.

  I went into the band hallway at full speed. Though I paused to get my bearings. That scream had been loud enough that I thought it might’ve been out in the hallway. Only I didn't see any bloodsuckers standing around some poor band kid.

  Honestly I was a little surprised that those bloodsuckers would be going after a band kid in the first place. I wasn't so shallow that I didn’t realize there were some definite hotties in the band, but those vampires seemed like the kind of assholes who came from a time back before they realized geek could be sexy. Or that the band geeks were way more freaky, on average, than any other group but the drama kids.

  Only there was nobody in the hallway. Though there was another scream which was very helpful in triangulating exactly where shit was going down. The scream came from one of several doors that I was pretty sure led to the large band room. I couldn't be completely sure because I wasn't in band myself, but still.

  I flew through the nearest doors in my full fury. Darkness was all around me, tendrils shooting out as I prepared to grab those vampire fuckers and let them know what kind of consequences there were if they decided to fuck with somebody in my school, thank you very much!

  I held my scythe out in front of me, my robes billowing in a nonexistent wind, and even my voice sounded just a little fucked up. Think Cate Blanchett when she was going all Silmarillion-era Galadriel on Frodo in Fellowship of the Ring.

  "You vampire scum are going to… Pay?"

  The girl up on the stage looked up at me. She’d been staring at someone holding a knife up and screaming at the top of her lungs, but a slasher attacking a girl in what looked like an ancient tub that’d been salvaged from a dumpster somewhere in town was the last thing I expected.

  Not to mention it was pretty clear I wasn’t in the band room. Right. Because band, choir, and drama were all in the same hallway. This was the drama room, complete with a little stage down at the bottom of a series of raised semicircular rows where classes could do their performing thing.

  Clearly I’d walked in on a performance of some sort, my guess would be the drama club was doing a production of Psycho, and when she looked at me the screaming started all over again.

  There definitely weren't any vampires in the room. Lots of confused drama kids, sure, but no vampires.

  “Um, sorry for interrupting?” I said.

  The girl stared at me and screamed all over again. Okay. That was probably deserved, but whatever. It wasn’t every day you had someone in a grim reaper costume that wasn't a costume bursting into the room looking like she meant to kill everyone.

  Sure they weren’t exactly vampire scum, and sure reapers didn't actually kill people so much as find people who were already dead and ferry them to the great beyond, but that girl didn’t know I wasn’t after her.

  “Can you please explain to me what you’re doing here?”

  I turned to see Mr. Bosworth, the drama teacher, staring at me with something between curiosity and annoyance.

  “Sorry,” I said. “I heard the screaming, and…”

  “You’re the girl from the football game, right?” he asked, standing and walking towards me.

  It was at about that time that Stacy burst through the door behind me. Her chest was heaving, which was a welcome distraction, and she shot a look that was pure daggers at me as she looked around the room.

  “Oh shit,” she said. “The drama room. I totally forgot this was down here.”

  “Please,” Mr. Bosworth said, gesturing expansively to the room. “Stay for a moment. It would be interesting to see your take on our delightful show.”

  “What the fuck?” the girl down on the stage asked. “Do you see what she’s dressed like? She’s the freak from Homecoming!”

  “Yeah,” I said, seeing some of the other stares I was getting that ranged from hostile to terrified to curious. “I think it might be a good idea for me to get the hell out of here before I piss someone off.”

  Mr. Bosworth looked disappointed, he had the sort of hippie look that was common to drama teachers all around the world despite the fact that he would’ve been born in the ‘80s and was way too young to have ever been a true hippie, and the last thing I needed was to have a chat about the nature of death with one of those types.

  It was an occupational hazard of being a reaper, to hear my dad tell it, and I didn’t want to get in the middle of that when I was in the middle of trying to figure out where the hell those vampires were!

  “Wait, so this whole thing was the drama club doing their thing?” Stacy asked, looking around the room.

  “Looks like it,” I said.

  “Wow. This is about as bad as a cop shootin
g a bunch of people doing Julius Caesar in the park,” she said with a grin.

  I snorted. Bonding over Leslie Nielson movies had been one of the more fun things we did together that didn’t involve sucking face at every opportunity, and I was proud of her that she was starting to pepper our conversations with little references like that.

  “Yeah, well we should get going,” I said, then turned to the rest of the room. “And all of you should probably go out of this place. It’s kind of dangerous around here right now.”

  “Because of the vampires?” someone shouted.

  That got them all muttering all over again. I rolled my eyes. I suppose everyone had a right to know there were vampires hanging around this place causing trouble, but I also knew that the rumor was going to spread faster than wildfire and it wasn’t going to be pretty once it got out there that there were bloodsuckers haunting the high school.

  Especially when it came from the creepy reaper girl who’d already messed up Homecoming.

  “Let’s go,” I growled at Stacy. “There’s nothing for us to do here.”

  “Agreed,” Stacy said. “Besides, didn’t you say you had something you wanted me to do in this bandolier?”

  I blushed even though no one out there had any way of knowing what she was talking about. Knowing they had no way of knowing what she was talking about didn’t make it any less embarrassing that she was bringing that up.

  And I was also just a little excited at what she was promising.

  “Come on,” I said, grabbing her by the shoulder and pulling her out the door.

  17

  Vampires

  “So much for our big night of vampire hunting,” Stacy groused.

  “Tell me about it,” I said.

  “I mean I expected that to be a lot cooler than it actually was. Like we were supposed to walk in just in time to save that girl from getting the blood sucked out through her neck, y’know?”