Vampires Don't Sparkle!

by Mia Archer

  "You bet your ass she's hard to miss!" Arnold said. "I wish we had girls like that back when we were in school!"

  "Wait a second," Jake said, his eyes narrowing as he peered at her. “Y’know I couldn’t quite see it before because she was in those weird modern clothes, but now that she’s in her exercise outfit…”

  "What?" Luke asked.

  "I'm pretty sure we did have a girl like that back when we were in school," Jake said.

  "What the hell are you talking about?" Luke asked.

  "I'm talking about that girl looks awfully familiar. I think she wasn't maybe a senior when we were freshmen? Never caught her name, but the school was big enough back then when there were still jobs and stuff around here that it was possible for a lowly freshman to not catch the name of a senior hottie.”

  "That would put her as a cheerleader back in the late ‘70s then," I said.

  "Makes sense if she's a bloodsucker, right?" Jake asked. “Cursed to walk the earth as an insanely hot chick for the last forty years or so.”

  “Cursed to watch what George Lucas did to Star Wars from the beginning without aging,” Arnold groused.

  “Something tells me she’s not the kind of girl who cares what George did to Star Wars, boys. Hot popular girls who cared about Star Wars didn’t exist back then,” I said.

  “Tell me about it,” Arnold groused. “You’re so lucky to live when you do.”

  "I guess," I said. “At least I know when she comes from, though I don’t know how the hell that’s going to help.”

  Vampires could come from pretty much any era. It was difficult to pin down exactly when they came from because, in typical Buffy fashion, they all tended to wear modern styles. A vampire who didn't keep up with the times was a vampire who tended to draw the attention of vampire hunters, so they mostly tried to blend in the interest of not getting a quick dusting.

  At least that was the case if some of the stuff I’d read in some of my dad's books he gave me to make me feel better about the existence of undead creatures in this world was anything to go on.

  “Was Veronica her name back then?” Jake asked. "I feel like I should remember her name, but it wasn’t Veronica.”

  "It's probably harder for you to remember her name because you didn’t need to know her name to jerk off to her back then,” Arnold said with a giggle.

  "Shut up man," Jake said. "Gwen just got done telling you not to pull that shit anymore!"

  Arnold looked at me like he was afraid I was going to hit him with some more magic. I didn’t, but only because I was afraid I’d lose control and pull him to the other side on accident.

  I rolled my eyes. “You guys are fucking impossible. You know that, right?”

  “Fuck, Gwen,” Luke said, having never taken his eyes off of what was going on in there. “You might want to have a look at this.”

  22

  Blood Ritual

  “What’s going on in there?”

  “I don’t know if I should puke or be turned on right now,” Luke said.

  That was good for an arched eyebrow from yours truly. That level of confusion from a ghost who couldn’t puke or be turned on, technically speaking, was alarming. I peered around the door again, but pulled back when I realized one of the cheerleaders was looking right at me.

  I wasn’t sure if she saw me, but I did feel that strange feeling in the center of my gut that I used to get when I was playing hide and seek with some of the neighborhood kids and I felt like one of them was getting close to me. I had a feeling that was a tamer cousin to the feeling ancient humans got when they were being hunted by something big and nasty, and I was getting that feeling big time right about now.

  For all that the vampires out there couldn’t really hurt me. They could hurt Stacy, though, and that meant I had to be careful if I didn’t want her getting hurt.

  “I’m going up to the second level,” I said. “They won’t be able to see me up there.”

  “You say so,” Luke said.

  I floated over to the stairs and dashed my way up. I passed a junior dude I recognized walking around with a freshman girl making out on the stairs. They both turned and looked at me with wide eyes, but I was so focused on getting up to see what the fuck was going on in that practice gym that I didn’t even bother to stop and chastise them about the stupidity of making out in a stairwell when teachers and vampires were no doubt roaming around.

  They could worry about getting their blood sucked out of their necks rather than their tongues sucked out of their faces. I had bigger issues.

  I reached the top of the gym. The place was designed so there was a big circle that ran around the entire gym. Hallways on either end with bleachers running lengthwise. Concessions and other stuff went in those hallways during games, and pretty much nothing happened in those halls during a school day since they were useless for gym classes.

  They were useful to allow me to sneak around up here though. I peered down into the gym from on high, and what I saw down there took my breath away.

  The cheerleaders were lined up facing the strange vampire girl who’d been such a bitch to that first vampire bastard. All of them were staring at her with a mixture of anticipation and worry.

  There was also a group of cheerleaders standing on either side of the girls who were lined up. Including the head coach who was staring at all of them with a thin and not at all pleasant smile on her face.

  Something was going terribly wrong here. The only problem was I had no idea what the fuck that something wrong was.

  “What did you…”

  Then I got my answer. The girl at the front of the line, a pretty young sophomore I’m pretty sure was named Amy, stepped towards Veronica. Then she tried to bolt, only Veronica was too fast for her. Her hand shot out and grabbed poor Amy by the arm, and that was that.

  Not that Amy didn’t still try to get away. She screamed at the top of her lungs. She pulled and yanked at Veronica’s unyielding hand.

  “That’s what I was talking about,” Luke said. “They’re doing something with the cheerleaders.”

  “That is not cool!” Arnold said, pulling up the sleeves on his spectral shirt like he was seriously considering going down there and getting into a fight. Not that he was going to be able to do much good down there.

  That became pretty obvious as he swooped down and moved through Veronica. The only effect he had was she paused and looked around. Like she could sense he was there, but wasn’t sure what the fuck was going on or why she got a sudden chill.

  Interesting. So vampires could sense ghosts, but they couldn’t actually see then.

  Then she shrugged. Leaned down and sank her fangs into poor Amy’s neck. Amy twitched a couple of times, but the moment the fangs made contact with her neck was the moment her active struggling stopped.

  I saw red. I couldn’t fucking believe this was happening in my fucking school. It’d been bad enough when they killed Danielle, but now they were going after the entire fucking cheerleading squad?

  That wasn’t even the most horrifying thing, though. No, the most horrifying thing was that Stacy stood next to that vampire bitch the entire time she was doing this, and she didn’t seem to give a flying fuck that she was watching all her friends on the squad, girls she was supposed to be protecting if all that stuff she was always spouting about safety was anything to go on, getting fanged by this other vampire bitch and she wasn’t doing a damn fucking thing to stop it!

  Which could mean only one thing.

  “Um, why aren’t you going down there and trying to stop the scary vampire from killing the nice cheerleaders?” Arnold asked.

  “Hold on,” I hissed. “I need to see something for sure.”

  Then it happened. Stacy smiled. It was the same beautiful smile I’d known for so long. The same smile I saw so many times just before she leaned in to kiss me with those inviting lips.

  Only there was something horrifying behind those inviting lips now. A set of fangs that looked exa
ctly like the fangs the older vampire cheerleader was sporting, with the main difference being it didn’t look like Stacy had enjoyed a snack recently, whereas the other cheerleader’s mouth was covered in blood.

  “Motherfucker!” I screeched.

  That screech sounded weird. Off. Wrong. There was something inhuman about it and the lights in the gym dimmed as that screech filled the room. The cheerleaders who’d been lined up down there all nice and neat waiting to go to their certain dooms scattered under the sound, like they’d been looking for any excuse they could to get the hell out of there.

  It was too late for Amy, she was on the gym floor twitching as she bled out and waited for a vampire spirit to enter her body, but it wasn’t too late for those other girls at least.

  Maybe not. Stacy darted for one, and Veronica went for another one. Some of the vampire cheerleaders that’d been hanging out behind Veronica also started going after the girls who were trying to escape, but those vamps didn’t get very far.

  No, I vaulted over the edge of the railing and flew straight down at them with my scythe out. I was going to take care of this, damn it, and I was going to take care of it now.

  I’d originally intended to go after Veronica. I figured that’d be the best way to take care of everything in one fell swoop. Assuming these vampires operated under Lost Boys rules, which was far from a sure thing. The only problem was all the other vampires went from chasing the cheerleaders to forming a circle around Veronica at a call from her.

  Damn. They were disciplined on top of everything else. Which seemed a little odd. If someone had just turned me into a bloodsucking undead creature of the night then you bet your ass I wouldn’t be caught undead doing anything approaching their bidding.

  Only there they were lining up ready to fight the big scary reaper that was going after the vampire who’d just given them life. Or maybe it was unlife. What the fuck ever it was.

  I could at least do a little something. I caught a vampire spirit slinking across the room looking like it was trying its best to jump into Amy without me noticing. Well I’d see about that!

  I was a lot better at this now than I’d been the first couple of times I went up against, say, my first necromancer. I lashed out with a couple of tendrils of magic and knocked over the first line of newly turned cheerleaders who were doing their best to defend Veronica.

  The front row went down and then the others behind them also came tumbling down right behind them. I grinned as I floated over the coach as she tried to grab at me, claws and fangs out, and gingerly stepped over her head as I landed in front of Veronica.

  “You’re in a whole heap of trouble now,” I said.

  “Am I?” she asked, her eyes darting to the side.

  “You are,” I said, reaching out and slamming my fist against something that was coming at me from that direction. Only the vampire girl merely smirked as I felt a crunch with my scythe making contact with whoever had been trying to sneak up on me. Accompanied by a scream.

  From a voice who sounded all too familiar.

  I turned to see Stacy land on the ground holding her side. She glared up at me, and for a moment she didn’t look like the enthralled vampire she’d been a moment ago. Maybe getting hit was enough to break through that vampire mind control thing the main chick was doing.

  “What the fuck Gwen?” she cried out.

  “Stacy!” I said, hardly believing I’d been so preoccupied with the whole vengeful reaper thing that I’d lashed out and hurt my girlfriend. Even if she was my girlfriend who’d been turned into a vampire.

  If this was how things went every time we ran up against something supernatural with her being captured by said supernatural creature then I really hated to think what her razor bill would be if a werewolf came to town.

  “That fucking hurts!” she said.

  “I…”

  Something hit me in the side. I didn’t see what it was, but as I flew through the air I had a pretty good idea that I knew exactly who it was. I’d allowed myself to get distracted, and that distraction was enough to let Veronica get in a sucker punch.

  The bitch.

  As I sailed through the air I had time to see Stacy smile and wink at me as she stood up like there was nothing wrong with her. She’d been faking it the whole time! It was both infuriating and a relief to know she’d been faking her injury.

  Then I landed and things went a little dark for a little while.

  23

  Waking Up Dead

  “Gwen? You going to be okay there?”

  I blinked a couple of times and turned back around. I didn’t want to wake up if my body was going to hurt like this. It would be much easier to go back to sleep for a little while longer.

  “Come on Gwen,” that voice said. “You’re seriously going to go down for the count now? There’s some serious shit going down here!”

  I groaned and waved a hand at that pesky voice that insisted on bothering me. Couldn’t they tell I was a little busy here, damn it?

  “Gwen! Stacy is going to get killed!”

  That was enough to get me to sit straight up. I had a brief flash of the gym flashing past me, then I was going through the roof. Like I was literally going past the rafters at the top of the gym and then out into the sky above.

  Only there was something off about the skies above. Everything was a little washed out. Like all the color had gone out of the world and I was staring at something that wasn’t quite right.

  “Motherfucker,” I growled.

  “Took you long enough to figure it out?”

  I turned to see Arnold sticking his head out of the gym. I’d been up here once, a couple of years ago. A few people from the swim team, back when I hadn’t been a reaper and could actually have fun with my friends, had snuck up here one night to have a look around.

  I’d almost slipped off the edge, which would’ve been bad. Slipping off the edge and falling in front of all my friends on the team was the kind of thing that would’ve been a little difficult to cover up.

  Then again I’d also been pancaked by a school bus and my dad had managed to cover that up, so what did I know?

  “That hard landing totally killed me, didn’t it?”

  “I mean I’m not exactly a doctor or anything,” Arnold said, ducking his head back down into the gym where he was presumably getting a good look at my body lying broken on the gym floor. His head popped back up. “But yeah, I’d say there’s a pretty good chance you just bit the big one down there and now your spirit has sort of left your body for a little while.”

  I growled and dove back into the gym. A bunch of cheerleaders were gathered around my body like they were genuinely sad I’d bit the big one. One of them was shouting something about calling an ambulance. Of course when the ambulance workers got a good look at who they were working on they’d know it’d been a pointless call and a waste of their time, but I had no intention of still being around here when the authorities arrived.

  “You’re not going to wait for the usual cover up this time around?” Jake asked as I dove past him.

  “I thought you always waited for the cover up,” Luke said as I dove past him as well.

  Then I was in my body and convulsing. I didn’t even bother closing my eyes to brace myself for the pain. I didn’t have time for bracing myself for how much it was going to hurt when I jumped back into my body.

  Even if it did hurt like a motherfucker.

  “Son of a bitch!” I screamed out, my voice doing that weird thing where it sounded like the souls of the damned for just a moment.

  That sound was enough to get all the worried cheerleaders who’d been gathering in around me to jump back and shriek in terror. One of them ran straight towards the exit, though she was so busy staring at me instead of watching where she was going that she didn’t see the wall coming up to meet her.

  I shouldn’t have laughed, but it was too damn funny as her head smacked into the wall and she went down for the count. Besides, it was
a welcome distraction from all the pain that coursing through my body.

  I moved a hand down to try and push myself up and regretted it. Apparently the bones that had broken in several places in my arm hadn’t quite knitted up yet.

  “Motherfucker that hurts like a motherfucker,” I growled as I tried putting weight on it again.

  It held, at least. If I could put weight on it then it was fine, even if it did hurt like those aforementioned motherfuckers every time I put that weight on it. Better to hurt just a little and catch up to Stacy and those vampires than to sit here feeling sorry for myself just because a good chunk of the bones in my body had been broken with that unceremonious landing.

  “Wait!” one of the cheerleaders said. “Are you seriously going to take off? That hit looked like it was enough to kill you!”

  I turned to the girl as my robes started to appear around me and my scythe appeared in my hand. She took a couple of steps back, her eyes going wide as she realized what was going on.

  “That was enough to kill me,” I said. “And there are vampires in this school who are going to do their best to kill you and turn you into bloodsucking slaves if you don’t get the hell out of here.”

  They all stared at me for a long moment. They had the sort of deer in headlights look that was the sort of thing that got people killed in the modern era because they were too stupid to realize when they were going up against something supremely dangerous that didn’t care about whether or not mankind was the dominant species on this planet.

  “That means you need to move your cute asses if you want to make it out of here alive!” I snapped, finally getting a little too frustrated with cheerleaders who were too stupid to save their own damned lives.

  If I couldn’t gripe at the cheerleader I wanted to gripe at then at least I could gripe at these cheerleaders.

  That was enough to get them moving. I didn’t wait to see if they actually bothered to get out of the gym. I’d done everything I could to warn them about the world of hurt that was coming their way if they were stupid enough to stick around the school, and right now I had something more important to attend to.