Crimes Most Merry and Albright

by Larissa Reinhart

  That necklace had been through a lot in one day.

  I sank onto a chair, rubbing my arms and pressing my legs together for warmth. Heat blasted noisily from the wall unit. JJ took the chair across from me and began filling her plate.

  "Eat," she said. "It's not poisoned."

  Okay, I hadn't considered that. Now I had The Princess Bride battle of wits scene going through my head. Focus, Maizie. Instead of worrying about locaine powder, I needed to figure out how to escape. Without my coat and Gentz's men outside the door.

  If I could escape, I could tell the police exactly where they were staying. No need to give up the necklace to these lunatics. Then we'd be down to one less crazy, as we still had Ms. Wonderly and an elf to worry about.

  "The food does look good," I murmured. I picked up my fork in my right, and with my left hand, dropped my napkin over the remaining cutlery.

  "It's delicious." JJ chewed and cut another piece of bratwurst with her steak knife. "I rarely get the chance to eat like this in California."

  "LA?" I said.

  "Born and raised, but I live in Silicon Valley now." She delved into another brat.

  Silicon Valley? Okay, maybe she didn't work for the movies. Why would someone in Silicon Valley want the Warhead Girl necklace, though?

  I watched her eat, wondering if I could interrogate her without being too obvious. With the hot air blowing, the room began to feel cozy. Perfect for napping. My plan began to form. If she was going to act like it was totally normal to eat German food in a dumpy hotel on New Year's Eve day while three heavies stood outside the door, I could, too.

  “Can you turn up the heat?" My teeth chattered, and I rubbed my arms. “I’m too cold to eat.”

  JJ moved to the unit below the window and poked buttons.

  "How's the potato salad?" I said pushing the bowl toward her. "The pretzels look great. Is that beer mustard?"

  "Mmm," said JJ. "And there's Black Forest cake for dessert. I love German food."

  I picked up my fork and stabbed a bratwurst. Held it aloft. Took a bite. My teeth pierced the crispy skin, savory juice filled my mouth. Holy Schmolies. I set the brat down and grabbed a pretzel.

  "There are at least two parties interested in the necklace." I tore off another hunk of pretzel. "I was attacked by an elf at the festival. He wanted to know how much HG would pay. Is HG your boss?"

  "An elf?" JJ chuckled and scooped schnitzel onto her plate. "HG will pay whatever it takes if that's what you're asking. He's got more money than God."

  I didn't believe God needed money, but whatever. "What does he do?"

  "Silicon tech mostly. He's funded a lot of well-known apps, sold them for even more. The same with exotic real estate. Rinse and repeat. But his real love is an operating system he's developed. It's going to make history. He thinks it will save the world."

  "Save the world from what? How?"

  "By my contract, I'm not allowed to get into the details. But it's going to change the internet. For the better, too."

  "Save the world with the internet? Like a faster, more polite version of Ask Jeeves?"

  "You wouldn't understand." JJ tore off a pretzel end and dipped it in mustard. "Why don't you have another bratwurst? Or are you ready for cake?

  These people were mental. I sighed and accepted the cake she placed before me.

  "So, the Warhead Girl necklace," she paused to finish chewing. "We'll pay more than anyone else."

  "It's not for sale." I folded my arms. "It was a gift to my father. Besides, it's a movie prop. The movie wasn't even that good."

  She quirked a brow. "It's become a cult classic. In certain circles."

  I rolled my eyes. "I had a body double for—"

  "Not because of that. It's the dystopian themes. You now, David and Goliath."

  "I don't think David and Goliath are dystop—"

  "It doesn't matter," she snapped. "HG wants it and—" JJ took a breath, composing herself. She laid her fork down. "It's important to him."

  "It's important to my dad, too."

  "This is ‘bigger picture’ than some movie prop you once gave to your dad out of guilt."

  "How did you know it was out of guilt—never mind. You can get a copy on eBay, for heaven's sake."

  "Those are not the real McCoy." JJ cleared her throat and tried smiling. Not very convincingly.

  It was a day for weird smiles. Maybe Remi was right about the Grinch.

  "HG is…kind of an intense guy. You know the type. Doesn't sleep because of all the awesome ideas keeping him awake. Plus he needs to do business with Asia in real-time. When he's focused on an idea, nothing will stop him." JJ paused, forked a piece of cake, and looked at me. "Listen, it doesn't matter what he believes. HG wants the real thing and he'll get the real thing. He told me 'at any cost.' So I'm going with it."

  "That's insane."

  "And it's important he has it by the end of the day. He's been looking for it for five years. And now it's within his grasp, like literally."

  Only literally if he used JJ’s toilet, but now was not the time to quibble over semantics.

  She smiled and pushed back from the table. "I'm so full. I'll go for a run tomorrow morning to work off the cake."

  I hated JJ. And not just because she could eat whatever she wanted. She didn't care her boss was a delusional genius nutball.

  A ruthless delusional genius nutball.

  "You must be sleepy," I said, yawning. "All that food and it's so cozy in here now. I'm not even cold anymore."

  "Yeah." JJ patted her stomach. "What I wouldn't give for a Netflix and chill. Am I right?"

  "So right." I narrowed my eyes and slipped the knife from under my napkin. Flipping it around, I gripped the handle and hid the point against the underside of my arm. "I'm going to use the bathroom. Be right back."

  JJ yawned. "You're not sleepy?"

  "Sure." I yawned in response, backing toward the bathroom. "Be back in a minute."

  "We haven't finished our discussion about the necklace." JJ pouted.

  "I'll tell you in a minute. I've really got to go." I laid a hand on the bathroom knob. "Just rest your eyes and I'll be out in a sec."

  "I won't fall asleep.” JJ rose from the table and approached me. "If that's what you're hoping."

  "What?" I stammered. "I mean, what do you mean?"

  “You kept pushing food? And cranking the heat? Nice ploy, but it's not like I'm going to fall asleep and forget why you're here. I've got awesome metabolism. I can eat my weight in brats and not get sleepy." She smiled. "But you will."

  “You're wrong." I glared at her. "I've been conditioned by years of craft food grazing during long waits for sound and lighting checks. As an actress, I'm trained to be alert and ready for the camera at all times."

  "Uh, Maizie, sorry to be the one to break the news. Your body shape tells a different story."

  "There's nothing wrong with my body shape," I snapped. "It's called Rubenesque and it's making a comeback."

  She snorted. "Yeah, right."

  I whipped out the steak knife. "Okay. I'm done playing. It's time for me to go. I said I'm not selling." I grabbed her arm — actually only muscle over bone, no body fat, dammit — yanked it behind her back and flattened her against me. I whipped the knifepoint to her throat.

  "You don't need to resort to this." She played it cool, but I could feel her heart hammering through her thin body.

  "I think I do. It's been a long day and you're not listening to me." Holding the knife against her throat, I walked her to the door. I hated leaving the necklace, but they didn't know it was in the room. Nash and I would have to come back later.

  If he hadn't drowned or been hospitalized for pneumonia.

  The door flew open. Gentz and Igor — I mean, Brian — stalked inside the room, slamming the door behind them.

  "Miss Albright, whatever are you doing?" Gentz sighed and pulled his gun from his pocket. "Brian."

  Brian strode to me, sliced his hand
down, chopping the joint between my neck and shoulder. My arm instantaneously numbed, and I dropped the knife. JJ backed away, rolling her eyes.

  "As if," she said. "She doesn't have the necklace on her. See what you can do. I'm going to bounce. Best not to witness your action."

  He nodded, turned to the closet, and pulled out a hanger. Metal, not wooden.

  "What are you going to do with that?" I backed away and slammed into Brian.

  "Ah, Miss Albright." Gentz smiled. "You should know how much I enjoy my job before we proceed."

  Fourteen

  #TheGermanInquisition

  Gentz handed Brian the hanger, then slipped off his coat. "It's so warm in here. We should all be comfortable before we begin."

  Brian returned the hanger to him, and Gentz slipped his coat on it, then turned to hang the trench coat in the closet. I let out a long breath. Brian shoved me into the chair by the table, then yanked my arms behind my back.

  "What do you think you're doing?"

  "Getting comfortable, Miss Albright." Gentz handed Brian a bundle of plastic loops. "Proceed, Brian."

  Making quick work, Brian zip-tied my ankles to the chair legs and my hands behind the chair. I wiggled, hoping for slack, but Brian yanked the end of the zip-ties, tightening them.

  "This is so illegal," I said. "Your boss is in a lot of trouble. I know who he is now, and I am so reporting him. He's dunzo. You better think about that before you do anything else."

  "Why do you think JJ left? She knows nothing. But she could report you for holding a knife to her throat. That's assault, isn't it, Miss Albright? Perhaps even attempted murder?"

  "So not cool. I was kidnapped. Again, self-defense."

  "You entered the car on your own and told me to 'go.' JJ fed you, cleaned you, and gave you clothes. She thought you were her guest. I think you're quite lacking in a suitable defense." Gentz tilted his head to each side, popping his neck. "Let's proceed."

  I swallowed. Squirmed. Felt the plastic cut into my wrists and stopped squirming.

  "Where is the necklace, Miss Albright?"

  "I'm not selling."

  "Ah, Miss Albright, you misunderstand. Buying the necklace was JJ's job. As she wasn't successful, now it's my turn." He grabbed my face with the bandaged hand and jerked my head, forcing me to stare into his cold, dark eyes. "I don't purchase, I just obtain."

  Gentz squeezed, hurting my jaw. He waved at Brian. "Give me the knife she dropped."

  "At the office," I blurted. Which was difficult to say with my mouth squeezed like we were playing chubby-baby. "In a safe."

  "Your private investigation office?" He nodded to Brian.

  Brian stepped to the door, opened it, and spoke to Oddjob standing outside.

  "And who can open this safe, Miss Albright?"

  Gentz released my mouth. I worked my sore jaw. "Me."

  "What about your employer, Mr. Nash?"

  "He's not my employer anymore. Not really. Like just a mentor? My ex-manager bought his ex-wife's shares of the company because he lost—"

  I stopped myself from rambling and focused on finding another character. Preferably one who was tougher than my real self. A lot tougher. Even if I'd given a lie, it hadn't taken more than a face squeeze to get me to talk. Warhead Girl wouldn't have blabbed. My eyes narrowed and I sneered. "Do you really want the details? Anyway, I can open the safe. You already sent Nash into the lake. He's either dead or in the hospital."

  Hopefully not, but I didn't think this was a good place to cry.

  Lifting my chin, I glared at Gentz. "Let's go, bro. Take me to the office." The office also had an emergency call button. And we kept weapons in the safe. Which I really hoped I wouldn't have to use.

  "Where in the office is this safe?" Gentz didn't seem particularly intimidated. Or in a hurry.

  "The inner office. Against the back wall. You need a thumbprint to unlock it. We don't mess around."

  "A moment, Miss Albright."

  He took his time putting on his coat, then moved outside. Brian followed. The door banged behind them. A few minutes passed. My arms ached from their backward pull but when I tried to scoot in the chair, the ties cut into my ankles. Brian had done too good of a job.

  "Hey," I yelled. "Are we going to the office or not?"

  A weighted silence.

  "I have to use the bathroom," I called out. "JJ, are you around?"

  Had they left for the office? Maybe they were going to lift the whole safe. Or cut it open with a blow torch or something.

  Hells. I should've of thought. I was a terrible kidnap victim. They'd get our weapons, Nash's important papers, and the petty cash. Plus the bag of Christmas Snickers I hid inside to keep myself from eating them. They would return, do whatever torture Gentz specialized in, and I'd have to tell them the stupid necklace had been in the toilet the whole time.

  A scuffling sounded outside the door. I sat forward, felt the pain in my armpits, and relaxed in the chair.

  "Hello?"

  Something thumped against the door. Then banged repeatedly. Smashed into the window. And thudded on the floor. A key turned in the lock. The door slammed open, and a wild-eyed Nash looked about the room.

  "Maizie." Nash ran to me, knelt, and cupped my face between his large palms. "Oh, Maizie. I thought I’d lost you." He kissed me gently, then roughly until I cried out in pain.

  "Did they hurt you?" He ran his hands over my shoulders.

  "No, the zip ties are cutting into my skin. And my arms feel like they're going to pull out of the sockets. But kiss me anyway."

  He obliged.

  "What happened out there?"

  "I knocked out the smaller guy with a fire extinguisher." Nash glanced behind him. "I should probably bring him inside and tie him up before he wakes. Where did the others go?"

  "The office." I told him about my plan. "But they're going to bring the safe to me or break it open and find out I was lying. Gentz was smarter than I thought not to take me to the office."

  "That means they'll be back soon." He kissed me again, then stroked my cheek. "I'd never sell you out. Not for fifty thousand or fifty million. That's all I could think about when they shoved you in that toilet and I saw it fall into the lake."

  "That's the most romantic thing anybody's ever said to me." I sighed. "I knew you would come. Unless you were dead. And I’m so glad you're not. How did you find me?"

  "Remi. She got to me in time before I jumped in the lake. Told me you left in a car with Gentz. She heard him talking to one of the two stooges about the Dukem Inn. That kid's a good little spy." Nash shoved his hand in his pocket and pulled out a knife. "Don't worry. I took her back to Tiffany's before I came here."

  "I hope they tie her up because that's what it's going to take to keep her—" I stopped because Nash had put his knife back in his pocket. "What are you doing? You've got to cut me loose."

  "They're coming back. We could trap them."

  "No, cut me loose. Don't do this, Nash. My arms are killing me and I'm going to have burns on my wrists and ankles as it is."

  He shook his head. "Right. What am I thinking?"

  I relaxed. "No idea, but you—"

  "Ms. Wonderly is supposed to meet us at the office." He bent over to cut the tie on my ankle. "We've got to get there before Gentz finds her. I'm going to need your help."

  Fifteen

  #ACrisisOfViolence

  Still stinging over Nash's obsession with saving Ms. Wonderly over cutting me free, I climbed into his truck without thanking him for opening the door for me.

  He studied me before closing the passenger door. "What are you wearing, anyway? You're going to freeze to death."

  "I didn't—"

  "Here." He shrugged out of his bomber jacket.

  I slipped the coat over the cartridge necklace I had retrieved from the toilet tank. "JJ made me wear this. She's the assistant to HG, some tech billionaire who's crazier than—" I couldn't imagine anyone crazier than someone who thought a mov
ie prop would save the world. "Really crazy. She said he gave orders to get the necklace at any cost. "

  "That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard." Nash bundled me into the truck seat. "Your legs are going to get cold. And how do you keep the shoes on?"

  "Let's focus on getting to the office before Ms. Wonderly does." He was right, though. I could kill for a pair of sweatpants and sneakers. Not literally. I wasn't as crazy as HG. "Do you think they'll do something to her?"

  "I don't know." Nash started the truck and pulled out of the Dukem Inn. "Hopefully they don't know each other."

  "I still don't get why Manganoid wants with an old stage prop."

  Nash cut me a look and accelerated. "I have no idea what Manganoid is nor where Lamar got the information. We could be looking at three groups after the same item. And in that case—"

  "We don't know who we might find at the office at five."

  * * *

  From the doorway of the Black Pine Gazette, Nash and I slunk in the early evening shadows. He hugged his flannel arms against the cold. Bundled in his bomber jacket, I pressed my bare legs together, trying to warm my gooseflesh. Across the street, the Dixie Kreme Donut's neon red "Hot and Fresh" sign had been turned off. Visible by security lighting, the shop on the first floor of the old brick building was empty. Emergency lighting dimly lit the half-moon window above the door to the second-floor stairway. The office itself was dark. However, through the upper-story windows, a tiny light flashed and bobbed.

  "Can you tell if it's more than one person?" I squinted at the window. "Looks like just one to me. Ms. Wonderly?"

  "If the note said to meet her here, why would she break-in? You know Gentz was headed here. That makes more sense."

  I had a lot of questions about Ms. Wonderly — namely, how did she win Nash over in such a short amount of time — but he did have a point. "So where's Gentz's Mercedes?"

  "Unless Gentz dropped off one of the two stooges, this might be someone else. But how'd they get inside?" Nash grunted. "That really chaps my hide. We're a flippin' security solutions office. What if it gets out that someone overrode our locks?"