by Okina Baba
“Don’t compare her to my mother!” I shout via Telepathy without thinking.
The first person who came to mind was my mother in my old life.
Then my mother in this one.
Both of them were admirable people.
I can’t bear to think of White as being on their level.
“Sorry, sorry. Bad example.” Ariel apologizes meekly. “But I do think it’s a bit cruel to denounce the person who saved your life. What kind of person would do that?”
Those words hit me like a slap in the face.
Part of it is that I’ve never heard Ariel’s voice sound so cold before.
But most of all, she’s so right that I have no choice but to acknowledge that I’m the one in the wrong.
It doesn’t really take a lot of deep thinking to figure that out, does it?
From a neutral point of view, openly despising the person who saved me just makes me seem incredibly ungrateful.
Like a terrible person.
I’ve been arguing with Ariel because I didn’t want to admit it to myself, but that’s only made me seem even worse.
People often idolize someone who saved their lives, but who ever heard of hating them?
So why have I been harboring such anger toward her?
I already know the answer.
“I’m sorry.”
“Not sure what you’re apologizing for, but shouldn’t you be saying it to White, not me?”
“Yes, I suppose so…”
I have to admit it.
The ridiculous reason for my hatred toward White.
“I was…jealous.”
That’s the only reason I hate her so much.
I was jealous.
No, I still am.
In my old life, I was incredibly jealous of Hiiro Wakaba’s stunning good looks.
And I carried that jealousy into this world, causing me to hate White, even though she saved my life.
That’s all. A simple, terrible reason.
It’s not like Hiiro Wakaba ever wronged me.
Aside from being in the same class, we barely had any kind of relationship at all.
Nonetheless, I harbored a one-sided jealousy and hatred toward her.
And when I was reincarnated, just as I vowed to turn over a new leaf and literally start life anew, I was reunited with the very person I hated so much.
Right when I was losing everything I had, no less.
Not to mention, she was one of the main catalysts that caused the battle that took it all away from me, wasn’t she?
My feelings from my old life and my fury at losing everything.
I took it all out on the nearest scapegoat.
Even if that happened to be someone who saved my life.
I’d lost it all, yet White still had the same beauty as in her old life, while also being incredibly powerful.
It just didn’t seem fair.
But from White’s point of view, it must seem like I’m lashing out for no reason.
“Even after being reborn, I’m still an awful person.”
Little by little, I tell Ariel about my old life.
Since I’m just saying whatever comes to mind, I’m sure it’s pretty incoherent and hard to follow.
But Ariel still listens quietly until the end.
Perhaps that’s why I hold on to hope that she’ll have words of comfort for me.
The scathing remark that comes out instead sends me into shock.
“Sophia, are you stupid?”
“What?!”
“Rather, you don’t seem to have any imagination when it comes to other people’s situations. Although I should’ve known that already from the fact that you don’t know what’s bothering Merazophis.”
Ariel looks down at me like a teacher staring at an incompetent pupil.
“You only really think about yourself, Sophia. You think you’ve got it worse than anyone, which is exactly why you don’t think of other people. Even right now. You’re boo-hooing about how you’re awful or whatever, but that kind of fake self-loathing is just a way of shirking the blame for your own actions. You think just because you acted sorry, you don’t have to do anything else. That’s how you try to justify it, right?”
Ariel’s assessment is merciless.
Her words devastate me. I can only stare in shock, not even trying to defend myself.
“That really is awful, just like you said.”
I turn pale when she delivers the finishing blow.
If Ariel hates me, I’m doomed.
If she abandons Merazophis and me, what are we going to do?
I’ve been so terrible to White, I doubt she’d help us.
It’s only then that I finally realize.
When I think about it, I really am being awful.
Like it or not, I finally accept that everything Ariel’s said is true.
Now I really am starting to hate myself, not just in the artificial way Ariel accurately described.
“Still, that doesn’t change the fact that you’ve gone through some really horrible circumstances. Don’t worry—it’s not like I’m going to dump you now.”
Somehow, Ariel guesses at my worries and reassures me.
I’m relieved but also disgusted with myself for being so easy to read.
I guess my thoughts are so shallow that anyone can figure them out.
Ariel sighs. “Maybe I said a bit too much, huh? You’re still just a kid. I guess I can be a little childish myself.”
Evidently realizing that I really am depressed now, she scratches her head awkwardly.
A kid? I suppose I am a kid compared to Ariel, and I am still technically a baby, but it nonetheless hurts to hear it out loud.
It’s like she doesn’t think of me as my own person.
To Ariel, I must be no more than a difficult child.
“Putting yourself first isn’t necessarily a bad thing, y’know. In fact, I think most people are the same way. But you can’t let yourself get so self-obsessed that you look down on other people. There’s bound to be some folks you don’t like, of course, but the adult thing to do is just suck it up and try to get along anyway. So try thinking about your relationship with White from a neutral point of view, why don’t you? Not that I’m one to talk, since I don’t exactly have the easiest relationship with her myself.”
That last part is said with a wry tone, but the rest is more like a scolding.
I obediently review my relationship with White without taking my emotions into account.
In our old world, we frankly didn’t have any relationship to speak of.
Our first interaction in this world was when she saved me from attacking bandits.
After that, she built a nest near the town where I lived, and she stayed there.
Although she hasn’t said so herself, I suspect she did this to protect me from the elves. For one thing, Ariel once made a comment to that effect.
Most importantly, when the elf called Potimas was about to kill me, she saved my life.
And even now, she travels with me and keeps me safe.
…She’s been doing nothing but helping me all this time.
And I haven’t done anything in return.
Without thinking, I voice the question on my mind.
“Why do you think White would do all that for me?”
“Not sure. I don’t really understand her, to be honest. She might have some reason behind it, or there might be no reason at all.”
The tone of her response is joking, but it seems like she really doesn’t know.
Thinking back, White’s been doing things for me this whole time without ever expecting anything in return.
All in spite of my bad attitude.
In fact, she’s been so devoted, it’s almost creepy.
It’s exactly like Ariel said: When someone receives some kind of free service, they can’t help suspecting an ulterior motive behind it.
White’s kindness toward me has been so excessi
ve that I find myself wondering what her motive is.
Ariel even said herself that the reason she’s been kind to Merazophis and me is because White seems to like us.
I do think that Ariel’s genuine kindness as a person has something to do with it as well, but it’s not like she was lying about that, either.
The fact is that White is the reason Ariel decided to look after us.
If White didn’t care about us, even the kind Ariel might not have considered helping us out.
So why does White seem to care about our well-being so much in the first place?
Because of our old lives?
Is that a good enough reason to do this much for us?
We were nothing more than classmates. Why would she do all this for someone she hardly ever interacted with?
If our roles were reversed, I doubt I would have done the same.
In fact, I couldn’t have.
I would have never risked my life to take on an opponent like Potimas for someone I barely knew.
If she really did do that for no other reason than the goodness of her heart…
Well, the word saint comes to mind.
At the same time, I remember that she healed the ills and injuries of the townspeople for free and wound up being worshipped for it.
Before she was an arachne, when she looked like nothing more than a spider monster, she was accepted and admired by the townspeople.
Of course, the fact that they happened to follow a religion that worships a spider as a Divine Beast of the Goddess probably had something to do with it, but I think White’s humanity played a big part, too.
I always thought that looks were everything.
But if that was true, how could White get accepted?
In this life and the last, was White really admired only because of her appearance?
No.
Our old world aside, in this world, White was admired even when she was a spider monster.
She certainly wasn’t welcomed because of her appearance.
It was her character and actions that made the people of the town acknowledge and worship her.
I’ve been in her good graces all along, yet I hated and envied her for no good reason.
Ariel was right. I really am just a stupid kid.
“I’ll start working on changing my attitude from now on.”
“Yeah. I think that’s a good idea. Change like that doesn’t happen overnight, right? You gotta get used to it over time.”
I breathe a sigh of relief at Ariel’s affirmation.
I can’t completely change right away, but I’ll try to be nicer to White from now on.
I thought having good looks meant you were a winner at life, but no matter how good you might look on the outside, you’ll always be ugly if that’s how you are on the inside.
I still think people who say they don’t care about appearance are lying, but I was going too far in the other direction, caring only about how people look.
If someone is beautiful both on the inside and outside, that’s when they really start to shine.
But I never realized that.
If I’d gone on without ever noticing that truth, I’m sure I would’ve kept getting uglier.
“I’ll try to become the kind of person who thinks of others, like you and White.”
“R-right…”
For some reason, Ariel’s expression turns strange.
“Does White think of other people? Uh… Hmm? But I mean, thinking about everything she’s done so far… Hrm. I don’t know.”
What is she muttering about?
“Ugh. I just don’t understand her! But as far as you’re concerned, I figured she just helped you because you’re a reincarnation, too…”
“But would she really go this far if that was the whole reason?”
“Who knows? You’d have to ask White herself. Ah, but I dunno, maybe she was just excited.”
“Excited? About what?”
“Well, she had just survived hell when she met a fellow reincarnation. Maybe she got so worked up that she saved you without thinking.”
Doubts fly through my mind as I try to understand what Ariel is saying.
“White is a spider monster, remember? And she was born in the Great Elroe Labyrinth, the biggest and most dangerous dungeon in the world. She had her work cut out for her just surviving in a place like that. Didn’t you ever wonder how she got so strong in the first place?”
I suppose it is strange now that I think about it.
“Well, to put it simply, she had to be strong if she wanted to live. It’s not like she was born with all that power. She needed to get stronger to survive, so that’s what she did. Even if it meant attacking herself with magic to raise her resistance skills. No normal person would think of that, let alone actually do it, but she had to do crazy things if she wanted to live in there. That’s it.”
I remember the sight of her covered in magic so powerful that it blew my hand off.
My first thought at the time was that she was crazy.
But after that, Ariel explained my misunderstanding, and I felt embarrassed about my mistake.
When I actually tried it out, though, my opinion changed again.
I know I’m flip-flopping here, but I really do think that method is crazy.
Even using weak magic on myself sent me writhing on the ground in pain.
Of course it did.
These spells are meant for attacking.
The goal is to harm the target, so of course it’s going to hurt, even if the target is yourself.
White seemed crazy for being able to do that to herself without her expression changing in the slightest. Why would anyone ever resort to such extreme measures to raise their skills?
I certainly wouldn’t have done it if I wasn’t essentially being forced.
But what if I was in such a dangerous environment that I had no other choice?
“When she escaped that place and met a fellow human from her old world, she was so excited, she decided to do you a favor. It’s a possibility, at least.”
Ariel doesn’t sound entirely certain.
White is the only person who would know what she was thinking, of course.
But now I know with certainty that White went through some really hard times.
“So White’s life has been at least as hard as mine, maybe even worse.”
She worked herself to the bone to obtain all that strength, and here I am whining that it’s unfair.
It never occurred to me what White might have gone through to become that powerful.
“Well, it’d be pointless to debate who’s had it worse. I just want you to know that White’s life hasn’t been easy, either. I’m not asking you to share her excitement about finding a fellow reincarnation, but I wouldn’t want you to be on bad terms forever, y’know?”
“Of course.”
I agree, because I can’t help imagining it.
Escaping from hell and finding someone from the same world as me.
What if that person wound up being cold toward me?
If I was in that position, my heart might break.
It’s all too clear to me now how awful I’ve been toward White.
I repaid her kindness with hatred and thought I was in the right? How could I be such an idiot?
If I’d thought about it at all, I would have realized how wrong I was.
That just shows all I ever thought about was myself and I never wondered about other people.
Does that mean if I give a little thought to Merazophis’s problems, I might figure that out, too?
“All right. You should get to sleep. Otherwise, you’re not gonna make it through your next round of hard-core training with White.”
Ariel’s words dispel the idea before I can think about it any further.
“All right. Good night.”
My mind is churning with so many thoughts that I’m not sure I’ll be able to sleep, but soon exhaustion takes over
and my consciousness slips away.
My last thought as I drift off to sleep is that I’ll apologize to White for my behavior when I wake up.
THE DEMON LORD’S SOLILOQUY
I gaze at Sophia, now sound asleep.
“She looks just like any other normal baby now. I mean, even on the inside, she’s still a kid.”
She might be a reincarnation and all that, but considering what her age was before, she’s still very young.
Considering what she’s been through so far, it’s no wonder she still gets emotional and makes mistakes.
“Kids are supposed to make mistakes—it’s part of growing up. What’s important is whether they find their way back to the right path afterward. They need an adult to help them notice their mistakes and guide them to what’s right. A guardian to teach them, admonish them, and lead them…”
This kid has lost her parents.
Which means someone else has to fill in the role of guardian for her.
“But that doesn’t work if that adult is wrong themselves. That’s where it gets tough, though. I mean, what’s ‘right’ changes all the time depending on your situation and stuff. An adult has to constantly think about that and have confidence that they know exactly what’s right. If you’re worried or hesitant, you can’t teach a kid at all.”
If an adult can’t say with confidence whether something is right, no one will respect them, not just kids.
Without that respect, an adult can’t lead.
That’s why an adult should always be able to explain why they’re right.
“I don’t think he’s quite convinced himself of what’s right yet. But if you’re not confident, I don’t think you can do anything for anyone else. That confidence can’t be half-baked, though. You have to be totally resolute, or that mask of certainty will peel right off eventually. I’m sure that’ll make things even worse. So you have to make sure you’ve really got it figured out.”
A decision arrived at in a state of panic is never a good thing in the long run.
If you’re going to worry about something, better to worry about it for all you’re worth.
Once you’ve worried and worried and finally reached a conclusion, that’s when you know you’ve got it right.
“I guess I played the role of guardian this time. Now she’s taken a step forward. If she keeps growing, she should figure out a certain someone’s problem soon enough. I have no idea how she’s going to deal with it, or how he’s going to react. But if he wants to serve as this girl’s guardian, his best bet is to come up with a good answer so she won’t worry. Although, I do think that walking by her side and thinking about it together is an option, too. In that case, someone else would have to take on the role of her guardian, but… Well, I suppose I can do that. From my point of view, they’re all nothing but young kids anyway. Whatever they choose, I just hope they don’t regret it. Okay, that’s the end of my soliloquy.”