The Funny Bone: Short Stories and Amusing Anecdotes for a Dull Hour

by Dornford Yates

  THAT TERRIBLE INFANT

  Annie had a beau. She also had a small brother of the proverbiallytroublesome age of five. One day at the dinner table they were teasingAnnie about Mr. Lovejoy--that was the beau's name--and Annie declaredthat she didn't like him one bit, and said moreover that Mr. Lovejoy"had a soft spot in his head." That called off the dogs, for a time atleast, but her brother Bobbie took note.

  The next evening Mr. Lovejoy called to see Annie. They were both in theparlor. He was sitting on the sofa, and she occupied a chair on theother side of the room. Bobbie strolled into the room, climbed up on thesofa and began a very diligent examination of Mr. Lovejoy's head. Hefelt all over it, and looked puzzled. Mr. Lovejoy was puzzled likewise,and at length said, "Why, Bobbie, what are you examining my head for?Are you studying phrenology?" "No," said the boy, "Sister Annie says youhave a soft spot on your head somewhere, and I was just trying to findit!"

  They made it up somehow, and Mr. Lovejoy began to call again, evidentlywith better results. For, one rainy day the father of the household waslooking everywhere in the hall for his umbrella. "Where's my umbrella,Annie?" asked he. "I believe somebody has carried it off." And Bobbiesaid, "Annie's beau stole it." And Annie said, "Bobbie! how dare you saysuch a thing of Mr. Lovejoy?" And Bobbie said, "I know he did, becausewhen he was giving you good-night at the hat-rack last night, I heardhim say as plain as could be, 'I'm going to steal just one!'"

  ALMOST WON THE BET

  Two Irish hod-carriers were arguing about their ability to carry theirhods safely to the top of a high building. One said he could carry atumbler of water on top of his load without spilling a drop. And Patsaid, "Ach! a tumbler of water! Why, Mike, I could carry you in my hodto the top of this ten-story buildin' without spillin' you." And Mikesaid, "I bet you tin dollars you can't." "Done!" said Pat. "Get into myhod."

  Mike got in, and up Pat went quickly and safely until he came to thesixth floor, when all of a sudden his foot slipped off the rung of theladder and his hod pitched, threatening to deposit its cargo on thesidewalk seventy-five feet below. But with a mighty effort he steadiedhimself, grasped his hod tight and proceeded to the top safely, where hedeposited Mike on the floor of the scaffolding with, "There, Mike, I'vewon the bet. Out wid yer tin dollars." "Sure, ye did, Pat," said Mike,"the tin is yours, but whin ye got to the sixth flure, an' stoombled--begob, I thought I had ye!"

  THE USE OF RICHES

  In a sleeping car one morning not long ago a Vermont man was accosted byhis neighbor opposite, who was putting on his shoes, with the inquiry:"My friend, allow me to inquire, are you a rich man?" The Vermonterlooked astonished, but answered the pleasant-faced, tired-lookinggentleman with a "Yes, I am tolerably rich." A pause occurred, and thencame another question, "How rich are you?" He answered, "Oh--about sevenor eight hundred thousand. Why?" "Well," said the weary-looking old man,"if I were as rich as you say you are, and went traveling, and snored asloud as I know you do, I'd hire a whole sleeper all for myself everytime I went traveling."

  A PRAYER THAT WAS ANSWERED

  An old darkey who was asked if in his experience prayer was everanswered, replied: "Well, sah, some pra'rs is ansud an' someisn't--'pends on what yo' asks fo'? Jest arter de wah, w'en it wasmighty hard scratchin' fo' de cullud brudren, I 'bsarved dat w'enebber Ipway de Lo'd to sen' one o' Massa Peyton's fat turkeys fo' de ole man,dere was no notice took o' de partition; but--w'en I pway dat he wouldsen' de ole man fo' de turkey, de ting was 'tended to befo' sunup nex'mornin' dead sartain."

  GOD BLESS OUR HOME

  A lonely traveler on horseback, riding through a dreary section of thefar West, eagerly scanned the horizon for some signs of a humanhabitation. At last away in the distance he spied a cabin, put his horseto a trot, only to find the house deserted. Nailed on the front door wasa sheet of paper on which he read the following pathetic story:

  Five miles from water.

  Ten miles from timber.

  A hundred miles from a neighbor.

  A hundred and fifty miles from a post office.

  Two hundred and fifty from a railroad.

  God bless our home!

  We have gone East to spend the winter with my wife's folks.

  AN INQUISITIVE BOY

  Bobbie was taken to church for the first time, and his dear Aunt Lou,who took him there, "just wondered how he would behave." She soondiscovered, for Bobbie was no sooner seated in the pew than he observeda very bald-headed man two seats to the front, and exclaimed in a loudwhisper which set everybody smiling, "Oh, Aunt Lou! there's a man with askinned head!" Aunt Lou's face was crimson, and she shook him, but itdid little good, for when the minister took his place in the chancel,the boy remarked, "Another man with a skinned head!" Things were gettinguncomfortable, and reached their climax when the boy, seeing the choirup in the gallery, called out, "Oh, Aunt Lou! what are all those peopledoing up there on the mantel-piece?"

  PEPPER-SAUCE

  Once upon a time there was a minister, a very orthodox man, and he wasvery fond of pepper-sauce, and he liked it piping hot, the verystrongest kind on the market. Distrusting that furnished by the hotels,he always carried with him on his travels a bottle of his favoritebrand. One day as he was seated at the dinner table of a hotel, a man onthe other side of the table asked him to "please pass thepepper-sauce." "Certainly," said he, "with pleasure. This bottle is myown private property, I always carry it with me. I think you will findit very good." The man helped himself freely, and when he had got donecoughing and had recovered enough breath to enable him to speak, hesaid: "Pardon me, sir. I believe you are a preacher?" "Yes, that is mycalling in life." "An orthodox preacher, I presume?" "Yes, sir." "Andyou really believe in hell-fire?" "Yes--I feel it my duty to warn theinpenitent of their danger." "And you do preach and believe in a literalhell-fire?" "I cannot do otherwise with the Scriptures before me.""Well"--said the man, "I have met a good many preachers in my time whobelieve and preach just as you do, sir, but I must say I never beforemet a man who carries his samples with him."

  ONE PLACE OR THE OTHER

  "When I get to heaven," said Brown, as he laid down the book he had beenreading--"when I get to heaven, the very first person I want to seewill be Shakespeare."

  "And what do you want to see Shakespeare for?" inquired his wife.

  "Why, I just want to ask him whether he wrote his own plays, or whetherhe got some one else to write them for him, and have this questionsettled."

  "Well, but"--objected his wife, "how do you know he'll be there? Not allpeople will get to heaven."

  "That's so, that's so," said Brown meditatively. "Well, I'll tell youwhat we'll do--if he isn't there, then suppose you ask him?"

  "LOUDER!"

  At a criminal trial both judge and counsel had a deal of trouble to makethe timid witnesses speak loud enough to be heard by the jury, and it ispossible that the temper of the counsel may thereby have been turnedfrom the even tenor of its way. After this gentleman had gone throughthe various stages of bar pleading, and had coaxed, threatened and evenbullied the witnesses, there was called into the box a young hostler whoappeared to be simplicity itself.

  "Now, sir," said the counsel, in a tone that would at any other timehave been denounced as vulgarly loud, "I hope we shall have nodifficulty in making you speak out."

  "I hope not, sir," was shouted, or rather bellowed out, by the witnessin tones which almost shook the building, and would certainly havealarmed any timid or nervous person.

  "How dare you speak in that way, sir?" demanded the counsel.

  "Please, sir, I can't speak no louder," roared the perplexed witness,evidently thinking that fault was found with him for speaking toosoftly.

  "Pray, have you been drinking this morning?" shouted the counsel, whohad now thoroughly lost the last remnant of his temper.

  "Yes, sir," was the stentorian reply.

  "And what have you been drinking?"

  "Corfee, s
ir."

  "And what did you have in your coffee?"

  "A spune, sir," bawled the witness in his highest key amidst the roarsof the court.

  A COLLEGE TRICK

  It occurred in an Ohio college, in the early days when the small collegewas struggling for an existence, and the students were struggling for aneducation. Many of the boys were very poor, and had to board themselves,doing all their cooking, sleeping and studying in the same room. Toeconomize space they were used to keep their little store of groceriesand provisions under the bed, and the bed was of the old bed-cord kind.The two particular boys of whom we write, for some reason or other, atthis particular time, had a pan full of molasses under the bed.

  Boys will be boys, poor as well as rich, and college boys the world overare full of all manner of tricks. These two chaps had concocted a veryneat little scheme for getting on to the nerves of Professor John, whohad charge of the building in which they were domiciled. For days anddays they had been secretly carrying a lot of stones up into their roomand depositing them in an empty barrel. When the barrel was full, thetrick was ready to be pulled off just at bedtime, the trick consistingof simply rolling the barrel to the top of the corkscrew staircase, andletting her go Gallagher, when the perpetrators would skip to their roomhard by, dive into bed and be sound asleep before Professor John couldsay Jack Robinson.

  But--Professor John knew about all the possible combinations of thecollege boy, and could smell a hatching trick a mile away. Knowing thatsomething was in the air, he had quietly stationed himself in a darkniche in the wall at the head of the staircase, and was watching the twonight-begowned boys as they tugged with all their strength at the heavybarrel of stones, gently rolling it to the top of the stairs. "Don'tmake a noise," hoarsely whispered the one who was bossing the job, "anddon't let her go till all is ready and I give the word."

  When all was about ready to heave away, out stepped Professor John witha terrible "What's--all--this!"

  Away went the boys pell-mell to their room. They tried to slam the doorshut, but the Professor's foot got there first, and they dived into bed.

  But alas! there had been a trick within a trick. Some one had cut thebed-cords! And as the two went down to the floor, one pitifully calledout "Oh--we're in the molasses!"

  Professor John knew what that meant. He leaned up against the wall andlaughed till he cried. "Let them go, poor fellows," he said, as he wentto his room, "they have been punished enough."

  ANY PORT IN A STORM

  In a lecture on Carlyle, Moncure D. Conway related how the great writerwas interviewed one morning by a very rough man in his neighborhood. Agreat revival being in progress in the vicinity, this man, well known asa very rough and profane fellow, had been attending the meetings and was"under conviction," as the phrase went. Thinking that perhaps Mr.Carlyle might be able to give him some good and godly advice, he made amorning call on the celebrated writer, who unfortunately was just thenenduring a most grievous attack of dyspepsia.

  "Good morning, Mr. Carlyle," said the man.

  "Morning," growled Carlyle.

  "Mr. Carlyle," said he, "I have come to see you this morning about mysoul----"

  "And what has gone wrong with your soul, then?" interrupted the man ofletters.

  "Why, Mr. Carlyle, I've been such an awful bad man that I'm afraid, if Iwere to die, I'd go straight to hell."

  "Very likely," was the prompt answer. "Very likely indeed. And, what ismore--you may be very thankful you have a hell to go to, too."

  A VERY GOOD INVESTMENT

  "Now, James," said a business man to his ten-year-old boy, "you aregoing to be a business man, and it is time that we should begin to giveyou some practical lessons in the art and science of investing money.Here's a half dollar. You take it and go down town and invest it onyour own hook and to the best advantage. I don't care where you put itin, only so you put it where it will be safe and where you will get agood interest for your money."

  The boy took the silver and started off. In an hour he returned,reporting that he had made a good investment, and was going to get ahundred per cent. interest.

  "Splendid!" said the admiring father. "Where did you put it in?"

  "Well," said the boy, "I went down town and walked around a while,wondering where I should find a good place, and by and by I came by achurch, and there was a meeting, and they were singing, and I went in.It was a missionary meeting, and the man was begging money for Missions,and he said if you gave him your money why the Lord would send it backto you doubled--He would pay you a hundred per cent."

  "I hope," expostulated his father, "you didn't put that half dollar onthe collection plate?" "Yes, I did, father," said the boy, "and the manhe said that the Lord is a good paymaster and that He'd send it backdoubled."

  "And you believed him! O pshaw, I'm utterly disappointed in you, James.You'll never make a business man. The idea of your believing such stufflike that. Why, that half dollar--you'll never see it again, and thatman--why, he's nothing but a fakir. O well--pshaw! I'll give you anotherchance, and see that you do better this time. Here's a dollar. Now yousteer clear of all churches and missionary meetings this time----"

  "Why, father!" exclaimed the boy as he took the dollar, "why, that manwas right after all. The Lord did send my half dollar back, and soonerthan I looked for it--and doubled, too!"

  THE POOR

  Josh Billings concluded his celebrated lecture on "Milk" with thesememorable words--"Remember the poor. It costs nothing."

  A town meeting had been called to devise ways and means to provide forthe poor of the community. After many speeches had been made, and manyrecommendations offered, and much time wasted and nothing done, abenevolent German arose in the back part of the hall and said:

  "Mister Chairman, I move, before we adjourn, we all shtand oop undt gifthree cheers for de poor!"

  TEMPERANCE A HUNDRED YEARS AGO

  The first Temperance Society organized in this country, in the year1808, provided that "No member shall be intoxicated under a penalty offifty cents, and no member shall ask another person to take a drinkunder a penalty of twenty-five cents."

  There was a Temperance Society in the State of Maine, prior to the year1825, which had the following remarkable plank in its platform: "If anymember of this Society shall get drunk, he shall be obliged to standtreat for the whole Society all round!"

  A hundred years ago the virtues of rum were set forth in an Englishpublication after the following fashion:

  "It sloweth age, it strengthened youth, it helpeth digestion, it cuttethphlegme, it abandoneth melancholy, it relisheth the heart, it lighteneththe mind, it quickeneth the spirits, it cureth the hydupsia, it healeththe strangurie, it pounceth the stone, it expelleth the gravel, itpuffeth away ventosity; it keepeth and preserveth the head fromwhirling, the tongue from lisping, the mouth from snaffling, the teethfrom chattering and the throat from rattling. It keepeth the weasen fromstiffling, the stomach from wambling and the heart from swelling. Itkeepeth the hands from shivering, the sinews from shrinking, the veinsfrom crumbling, the bones from aching, and the marrow from soaking."

  "THE ---- YANKEES"

  When Sherman's army was making its great march through Georgia thecolored people were, of course, very much excited over the news of theapproach of the Northern army. They had very little idea of whatNorthern soldiers looked like, but had commonly heard them spoken of as"the dam Yankees." In a certain part of Georgia, when they heard of theapproach of the great army, the darkies held a prayer-meeting, and oneold fellow prayed--"O Lawd, bress Massa Linkum, an' bress Gin'l Sherman.O Lawd, he's one o' us. He got a white skin, but he got a black heart,he one o' us. An', O Lawd, bress all dem dam Yankees!"

  THE SNOLLIGOSTER

  A circus came to town down in Kentucky. The tents were set up and thecages put in, and the people gathered about to look. "There, ladies andgentlemen," shouted the barker, "is the Royal Lion, the king of beasts.He c
an whip any other animal in the world."

  "He kin, kin he?" queried a gawky Kentuckian. "I'll bet you five dollarsI have an animal at home that'll lick him the very first round."

  "Can't take your bet," said the barker. "Too little money. Couldn'tthink of letting him fight for five dollars, but I'll take a bet oftwenty-five dollars."

  "I ain't got that much," said Kentuck, "but I'll borrow it of myfriends, an' we'll have a fight."

  The bystanders made up the money, and the stakes were duly put up.Kentuck went to his home, and by and by returned with a bag over hisshoulder.

  "What you got in that bag?" asked the showman.

  "A snolligoster," answered Kentuck.

  "A snolligoster? What's that? Let's see it."

  "No, you don't," answered Kentuck. "You open the top of your cage andI'll put my animile in, the money's put up, you know."