The Funny Bone: Short Stories and Amusing Anecdotes for a Dull Hour
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A negro exhorter shouted to his audience, "Come up an' jine de army obde Lord!"
"I'se done jined," replied one woman.
"Whar'd yo' jine?" asked the exhorter.
"In de Baptis' Church."
"Why, chile," said the exhorter, "yo' ain't in de army ob de Lord; yo'sin de navy."
THE CHIEF END OF MAN
When Dr. Theodore L. Cuyler once put the question, "What is the chiefend of man?" to a gathering of Sunday-school scholars, he received foran answer, "To glorify God and annoy Him forever." Another ministerrelates that he once asked this famous question of a very much neglectedboy, "What is the chief end of man?" and the boy promptly replied, "Why,I guess the end that has the hat on!"
AFTERNOON TEAS
Dr. Oliver Wendell Holmes was once invited by a lady friend to a socialafternoon tea. The hostess had invited and had present the cream of heracquaintance and expected some expression of admiration from the greatman. As he was taking his leave, the lady said to him, "Well, Doctor,what is your opinion of an afternoon tea?" And the witty but cruel manreplied, "My dear friend, it is all giggle--gabble--gobble--and git!"
UNANIMOUS ACTION
Davies Herkimer, the noted political economist, said of modern politicsin an address on reform that he recently delivered:
"Modern politics are entirely too tricky. The average candidate when heenters the political struggle lets plain dealing go by the board. What,then, is the result? The result is something altogether worthless,something that reminds me of a Western clergyman.
"This clergyman was very fond of cider. His congregation, meetingsecretly last autumn, decided that it would surprise him with a hogsheadof the beverage he loved and arranged to hold a surprise party at themanse, each guest to bring a demijohn of cider and to empty it into ahuge hogshead in the garden. The party duly came off. The guests broughttheir demijohns, emptied them into the hogshead and feasted afterward inthe manse on apples, nuts and gingerbread.
"At the height of the feasting the clergyman host was told of the fullhogshead that stood without the door, and, overjoyed, the good man saidto his servant:
"'Jane, take a pitcher, fill it at the hogshead, and bring it in that wemay sample it.'
"The maid withdrew into the darkness and soon returned with a pitcherbrimming with--clear water!
"Each tricky guest had filled his demijohn at the pump, thinking thatamid so much cider his aqueous contribution would escape unnoticed. Butthis trickery, like the trickery of modern politics, had been a littletoo unanimous."
A DIFFERENCE WITHOUT A DISTINCTION
It was a Pennsylvania German farmer's wife who having baked a largenumber of very fine pies, some mince and some apple, marked the crust ofeach with two letters--T. M. Being asked by a neighbor what theseletters stood for, she said:
"Vy, T. M. on this pie means ''Tis mince,' and on that pie it means''Tain't mince."
THE SHY BOARDER
If landladies served flying-fish, I believe, by jing, That every time they passed the dish I'd get a wing.
A KNIGHTLY CONUNDRUM
Query--A Knight to Jerusalem did repair, And had the colic, when? and where? Answer--In the middle of the Knight.
A SHREWD SELECTION
A lawyer advertised for a clerk. The next morning the office was crowdedwith applicants--all bright and many suitable. He bade them wait untilall should arrive and then arranged them all in a row and said he wouldtell them a story, note their comments and judge from that whom he wouldchoose.
"A certain farmer," began the lawyer, "was troubled with a red squirrelthat got in through a hole in his barn and stole his seed corn. Heresolved to kill the squirrel at the first opportunity. Seeing him go inat the hole one noon he took his shotgun and fired away. The first shotset the barn on fire."
"Did the barn burn?" said one of the boys.
The lawyer, without answer, continued:
"And seeing the barn on fire the farmer seized a pail of water and ranto put it out."
"Did he put it out?" said another.
"As he passed inside the door shut to and the barn was soon in flames.When the hired girl rushed out with more water----"
"Did they all burn up?" said another boy.
The lawyer went on without answer: "Then the old lady came out, and allwas noise and confusion and everybody was trying to put out the fire."
"Did any one burn up?" said another.
The lawyer said: "There, that will do; you have all shown great interestin the story."
But observing one little bright-eyed fellow in deep silence, he said:"Now, my little man, what have you to say?"
The little fellow blushed, grew uneasy and stammered out: "I want toknow what became of that squirrel; that's what I want to know."
"You'll do," said the lawyer; "you are my man; you have not beenswitched off by a confusion and barn burning, and the hired girls andwater pails. You have kept your eye on the squirrel."
A GOOD EAR
"Charley," remarked Jones, "you were born to be a writer." "Ha!" repliedCharley, flushing at the compliment, "you have seen some of the things Ihave turned off?" "No," said Jones, "I wasn't referring to what youhave written. I was simply thinking what a splendid ear you have forcarrying a pen. Immense, Charley, simply immense!"
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When some one was complaining of insomnia, an Irishman recommended asure cure for it. "Go to bed," said he, "an' schlape it off!"
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Said an Englishman to an American tourist, as he drew out of his pocketan old English silver coin, "Do you see the image on that coin? That'sthe picture of the old English king that made my great grandfather aDuke."
"Pooh!" said the Yankee. "That's nothin'. Here, do you see this UnitedStates coin? We call it a cent. And you will observe the picture of anIndian on the cent. Well, sir, that's the picture of the Indian thatmade my grandfather an Angel!"
THE RIGHT-OF-WAY
In driving out into the country on a by-road a few days ago, a lawyerencountered a horse and buggy driven by a woman. As she was driving onthe wrong side of the road, he made up his mind not to give up hisrights. As a consequence, the two horses finally came to a standstill,with their noses rubbing each other. The lawyer stared at the woman andthe woman stared back. Then he pulled a newspaper from his pocket, andbegan reading. In a minute, she had her knitting out and wasindustriously at work. Ten long minutes in a broiling sun passed away,and the lawyer looked up and asked: "How long are you going to stayhere?" "How long are you?" "All day." "And I'll stay here a whole week."He read and she knit for about ten minutes, and then the lawyer criedout: "Do you know that I'm a lawyer?" "I don't care for that," shereplied; "I'm the wife of a Justice of the Peace." "Oh--ah--excuse me,madam. Really, but if I'd known you belonged to the purfesh, this wouldnot have happened. Take this side, madam, take the whole road!"
THE DEACON BALKED
Deacon Broadbent, an honest and pious man, was conducting a Christmasrevival with great success. In a word, his powerful exhortations hadbrought Calhoun White, the town's worst sinner, weeping to the mourner'sbench.
The deacon, gratified by this proof of his evangelical prowess, hastenedto Calhoun's side.
"Deacon," sobbed Calhoun, "'tain't no use in mah comin' up. I'se sinnedaway de day o' grace."
"No, you hain't, brudder Cal," said the deacon. "All yo' got to do is togib up sin an' all will be forgibben."
"I'se done gib it up, deacon, but dar hain't no salvation fo' me."
"Yes, dey is, honey. Dey hain't no sin so black but it kin be washedwhiter'n de snow."
"But I don stole fo' young turkeys last week," said the penitent.
"Dat's all forgibben, Cal."
"An' free de week befo'."
"Dat's forgibben,
too."
"An' six fat Christmas geese----"
"---- six fat Christmas geese outer yore own yard, deacon--dem fat geesewot yo' 'lowed to set so much store by."
"Wot's dat yo' say?" the deacon hissed furiously.
"It wuz me wot stole yo' Christmas geese, sah."
"I reckon, Calhoun," he said slowly, "I reckon I'se spoke too hasty. Discase o' yourn needs advisement. I ain't sho' dat we's justified inclutterin' up de Kingdom o' Heben wid chicken thieves."
PROTECTING THE MINISTER
One day a village parson was summoned in haste by Mrs. Johnson, who hadbeen taken seriously ill. He went in some wonder at the summons, becausethe woman was not of his parish, and was known to be devoted to her ownminister, the Rev. Mr. Hopkins.
While he was waiting in the parlor before seeing the sick woman, hepassed the time talking with her daughter.
"I am very pleased your mother thought of me in her illness," he said."Is Mr. Hopkins away?"
"Oh, dear no," she replied, "but we are afraid mother has somethingcontagious, like small-pox, and we couldn't think of letting dear Mr.Hopkins run any risk!"
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"If yu trade horses with a jockey, you kan't git cheated but once.But--if yu trade with a deakon yu may git cheated twice--once in thehorse, and once in the deakon" ... "Go in when it rains."
_Josh Billings_
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"Now, my man," said the minister to the happy bridegroom after themarriage ceremony, "you have come to the end of all your troubles." Theman came back to the minister a week later and said: "You told me I hadcome to the end of all my troubles when I got married, and I find theyare just beginning." "Ah, my dear brother," was the response, "alltroubles have two ends, and I didn't say which end, did I?"
WALLA WALLA!
It is related that once upon a time the President paid an importantvisit to an Indian reservation in the Far and Distant West. In honor ofthe great occasion the great chiefs of the tribe were all gatheredtogether, arrayed in their best bib and tucker, all war-paint andfeathers, and sat cross-legged in a great circle listening to the wordsof wisdom from the Great Father.
"Noble Red Men of the Forest," began the President, "Primeval andOriginal Proprietors of the Soil of the Land of the Free and the Home ofthe Brave! I am delighted to see you!"
And all the Indians round the circle exclaimed: "Walla Walla!" Thisevidently being Indian for "Hear! Hear!"
"You have indeed been greatly wronged," continued the speaker, "and Itake your wrongs to my own heart, and I shall take immediate measuresfor their redress, and shall demand that hereafter justice shall be doneto the noble Red Men, the Original Proprietors of the Free Soil ofAmerica."
And the Indians again shouted approval, "Walla Walla!"
"Aye," he continued, "on my return to Washington I shall personally seeto it that your wrongs are righted, and shall direct that the IndianAppropriation be greatly increased, so that you may spend your lives incomfort and plenty."
Again in deep and guttural tones the Indians applauded, "Walla Walla!"
After it was all over, the President expressed his delight at the heartyinterest and evident appreciation of his warlike auditors, beingparticularly impressed with the fact that they had so well understoodhis remarks, as was sufficiently manifest by the fact that theyapplauded every time just at the right place. And then the Interpreterasked him whether he knew what Walla Walla meant? And he not knowing themeaning thereof, the cruel Interpreter disillusioned him by telling himthat Walla Walla was Indian for "Hot Air!"
THE WICKED PARROT
A gentleman who spent part of a summer recently in England relates anincident which very sadly disturbed the religious peace of a parish inPenzance.
A gentleman, his wife and his mother-in-law lived together. They had aparrot. And the parrot had somehow and somewhere--they could not imaginehow or where--picked up the very disagreeable habit of remarking atfrequent intervals:
"Wisht the old woman were dead. Wisht the old woman were dead." Thisannoyed the good people of the house very much, and they at lastventured to speak to the curate about it.
"I think we can rectify the matter," replied the good man. "I also havea parrot, and he is a very righteous bird, having been brought up in theway he should go. I will lend you my parrot, and I trust his goodinfluence will soon reform that depraved bird of yours."
The curate's parrot was placed in the same room with the wicked one, andas soon as the two had become accustomed to each other, the bad birdremarked:
"Wisht the old woman were dead."
Whereupon the clergyman's bird rolled up his eyes, and in solemn accentsresponded:
"We beseech Thee to hear us, good Lord."
The story got out in the parish, and for several Sundays it was thoughtexpedient to omit the Litany at the church services.
DOING THE DONS
Dr. Jowett was a warm friend of University extension. When the questioncame up at Oxford of entertaining the students during the summer, hefound the Dons very much opposed to giving up even temporarily theirquarters, claiming their vested rights even in vacation. The Master,however, controlled the buttery, and also the chapel exercises. Heaccordingly cut down the commissariat and lengthened out the prayers,until the Dons yielded and quietly moved out. As a party of them,portmanteaus in hand, were walking to the railway station one day, hechuckled to a friend, "This kind goeth not out but by prayer andfasting."
EXEUNT OMNES
Barnum, the great showman, once upon a time lit upon a very happyexpedient to get a great company of people to move on. They were packedtogether in the great tent, and every one of them was anxious to see allthat was to be seen, and determined not to miss anything. It wasnecessary to clear the room, but the crowd couldn't be shoved andwouldn't go out. At the direction of the great showman a man appearedwith a brush and a kettle of red paint. He painted just one word, in bigletters, on a door leading out into a side street. The word was EGRESS."Come on," said the crowd, "let's go in and see The Egress." They wentin, and they went out, and they saw
THE EGRESS
.EGRESS.]