Rebirth

by H. P. Mallory

  I saw the source o’ the sound when I waddled up ta the front desk. From the back, she looked like a real hot number, someone that coulda given all the stiffs in here some much-needed Sex-PR. But the snake hiss and her slithery moves told a different story.

  “Yo, Nurse Medusa!” I called out, bangin’ my hand on the front desk like I owned the frickin’ place.

  One look at her snake face up close and I was surprised when I didn’t turn to stone—or at least a block of ice—the second I looked at her.

  “What do you wantssss?” she sneered at me.

  “What do I want?” I repeated as I shook my head and the rest of me shook ‘cause it was so freakin’ cold. “What I really want is some time ta ponder all the complexities o’ the fuckin’ universe but, instead, I’m freakin’ stuck in this craphole talkin’ ta your ugly ass…”

  Next thing I knew, she leapt over the counter, pinning my sorry angel ass to the floor with her scaly-ass tail. Flickin’ a forked tongue over my cheek, she felt as warm as an ice cube.

  “Angel,” she said, gettin’ twice as mad as before, “the kind that condemned me to thissssstate…” The hand she wrapped around my throat was the best self-tightening noose I’d ever experienced. “Give me one reassssson not to make thisssss really hurt.”

  I barely managed to choke out, “Tallis… Tallis Black.” Actually, it sounded more like “Talls… Talls Bak” but she let go o’ my throat.

  “Tallisssss Black… you’re here for him?”

  “Yeah,” I said, rubbin’ my throat box. “He’s my bestie’s love-interest and I came here ta get him the fuck outta this hellhole.”

  She didn’t reply or do anything for a minute, not even hiss. Then she musta mistook me for a launchin’ pad and she jumped across the desk. Damn if that didn’t hurt me worse than the rip on my shoulder. That tail of hers was fuckin’ heavy. The pain in my chest made me glad for the cold.

  “He’sssss in the easssssst wing, on the right,” she told me, goin’ totally out o’ sight while I got back up. “Don’t come back unlesssssss he’sssss with you.”

  Tido and I would have a long talk after this was all over. How many lowlifes down here owed him? While I was contem-placating all that, I heard another angry hiss from the other side o’ the desk. I got the hint. I swiftly waddled through the east wing door faster than the cold could freeze my nerves.

  For just a sec, I worried that Ms. Snake Charmin’ coulda steered me right inta one of Alaire’s honey traps. But I shoved that thought right outta my mind because: a) bein’ immortal covered me on the whole death thing; and b) if Tido was stuck in said honey trap, I had ta back him up.

  Good thing Conan left his big-ass tracks in the ice an’ double good thing I’d watched me plenty o’ shows on trackin’ Bigfoot ‘cause I tracked Tido so good, them Bigfoot rednecks woulda been proud.

  Tido’s trail took me on a tragic carpet ride of deservin’ bastards who were spendin’ eternity by imposternating TV dinners in their cells. The trail ended with probably the unluckiest o’ the bunch. A tree of hands was growin’ out of the ruins of collapsed stone and ice that once upon a time was a cell. I thought I saw a light glintin’ towards some cracks at the top of the mess. Looked like Conan did the barbarian thing and climbed the sheer cliff to the next level.

  A quick peek around the corner explained why Tido made a pit stop here. Up ahead was a guard shack full of Alaire’s Watchers slummin’ as male nurses. And they weren’t even hot! Not like those Thai ladyboys anyway.

  The bigger problem was the three full-sized Wookies that were standin’ with them. I doubted even Conan coulda taken all o’ them on his best day. And this was anything but his best day.

  I started climbin’ up the rubble, talkin’ shit ‘bout my crappy luck mostly to myself. I nearly fear-farted when some Mofo grabbed my ankle and held it tight.

  “What the shit?!” I whispered, trying to get free. Even with one of its fingers gone, the grip it had on me was tight an’ made me lose my damn balance. I wound up hittin’ the rocks a little too hard and knockin’ some loose. At that moment, something howled from around the corner—probably one o’ the Wookies since Watchers never sounded that scary—and it started traipsing back my way. I looked up, tryin’ to grope my way in the dark but that weren’t exactly too easy.

  By the time I could see again, I was face-to-ugly mug with a Wookie. After takin’ a couple of sniffs o’ me, he started growlin’. A quick peek at his aura told me why. This fucker was one o’ the greater assholes, doin’ cosplay as the Abominable Snowman down here. Every last one o’ them hated all angels on sight.

  As soon as he yanked me free, I did the only thing I could think of. I turned my inner light on full blast. He screamed before droppin’ me, which broke my concentration long enough to shut off my light. Once I knew he couldn’t see me, I got up and started runnin’ towards the guard shack. Sure, the other Wookies and Alaire’s mummies were comin’ ta see what all the fuss was about. But as soon as they got close enough, I hit ‘em with another celestial flash-bang. By the time I was done, they were too busy hittin’ each other to see where I was goin’. But I had to figure they could still hear me and they knew this dump well enough to guess where I was headed.

  I got luckier with the next greater asshole I bumped into in the next room. It looked like it escaped from a Resident Evil game. The greater imp was out cold—pun intended—lyin’ on top of a corpse-sicle. A hunk of rebar on the stair next to him and the smashed nose on the asshole’s face explained everything: Tido had already paid him a visit. Well, that and those tracks on the stairs. They led past this particular Wookie to a door on the left with a faded exit sign hangin’ over it. The door was just cracked wide enough for me to slip through without makin’ any noise.

  Any doubts I mighta had about bein’ on the right track blew away like dust when I heard the ruckus downstairs. I’d seen Conan fight often enough times to recognize his bellows and sword swings anywhere. There was a hummin’ noise that accompanied all the whooshes, clangs and bashes goin’ on, which I figured musta belonged ta the other guy. I could barely stand on my feet but I managed ta run down the stairs—and I wasn’t exactly wearin’ hikin’ boots—but I lit myself up so I could see wheres I was goin’ and ta ward away any threatenin’ night creatures and mosquitoes. ‘Cause, damn me but I hate those things.

  Tido had a light around him too, an old-fashioned lamp that spotlighted him and the iceberg idiot right behind him. Couldn’t make out the adverscary he was tusslin’ with except for that long-fingered, clawed hand that kept swingin’ in and out o’ the shadows. Couldn’t see who or what the hand belonged ‘cause it stuck to the shadows the whole time it battled with Tido.

  All the same, I could tell that Conan was losin’ the battle by inches. He could barely hold up that big-ass sword of his, and was bleedin’ from I-don’t-know-how-many wounds. His breathing sounded heavier than the combined weight of all the Wookies upstairs. I’d seen too many deaths on the battlefield not to recognize what was comin’ next.

  My mind flashed back to Nerdlet, when I wasn’t there on the night she died. Well, there was always a second chance, right? I was about to give myself one because dammit if I wasn’t going to be at the right place at the right time again. Only this time, I would save the fuckin’ day. Or at least I’d damn well try.

  Before I could stop myself, I ran right straight into that big ugly brute, the light pourin’ off me like a mini-sun, while yellin’ at Top Lung, “Back the fuck off!”

  I barely slipped between that bastard and Tido before that claw-hand pierced my poor body through the chest and out my back. Yeah, it hurt! Like really super-freakin’ bad but I knew I couldn’t die so I didn’t act like a wuss-ass. Instead, I decided ta go Chuck Norris on the fucker an’ make his day.

  Since I was impaled on the dude’s middle finger, I shot up my own middle finger at him in like a total kick-ass, legendary move that shoulda been in a movie.

  “Hey, yo, think ya g
ots something stuck… right about here,” I said, rubbin’ the beast’s knuckle up and down like he’d paid me.

  The monster roared and tried ta shake me off.

  “Yeah, I know,” I said, hardly ignorin’ the pain. “It’s a real… inconvantage but hey… who ever said the afterlife would be easy?” My voice came in raspy breaths but I could already sense my body tryin’ to heal itself. Good luck! Especially with this fucker’s talons graspin’ through me.

  Dude tried to shake even harder ta release me. I didn’t budge but I grabbed his finger just in case I did. “I’m sorry, but… is this supposed ta… actually hurt me?”

  About that time, he used his other hand ta grab my sides before he started pullin’ me off. I tried ta dig my fingernails into his enormo-finger but I couldn’t get a grip and I started slidin’ off. A silver flash crossed over Tall, Dark and Gruesome’s wrist, makin’ it yell louder than I did. Meanwhile, I took a quick trip back to the floor. The damn hand I was spiked on made it impossible for me ta get up ‘cause it was still stuck all the way through me.

  The light over our heads flickered and almost went out when Tido grabbed the freshly severed hand I was stuck on and dragged it and me out o’ there.

  “C’mon, stookie angel,” he wheezed, pulling me back towards the door. I wondered how he found the strength to take those steps.

  O’ course, that would be the moment when the door suddenly busted open and an angry Wookie or three appeared on the other side. Don’t know how he possessed the presence o’ mind ta think of it, but Tido flattened us against a wall before those pissed-off greater assholes came barrelin’ downstairs.

  Dipshits did the bloodhound routine and started sniffin’ out Tido an’ me, but they wasn’t the trackers I am so they just ended up goin’ right past us. A couple seconds later, the thing Conan was tanglin’ with belched out another yell. Next thing was a loud enough noise in the dark ta tell us the Claw Creep and the Wookies were havin’ one serious disa-gracement.

  Tido took that opportunity ta drag me, him and his faithful sword up the stairs. He was so depleted that he couldn’t help breathin’ super heavy while gettin' us up, up and away. That’s why it came as no shock ta me when we saw the mummies lookin’ right at us after he crawled through.

  “Eyes wide shut!” I yelled at Tido then I poured on my angel light. A couple seconds later, they were stumblin’ around like drunken penguins while we made our way back ta the shack.

  Chapter Twenty-Nine

  Bill

  Once we returned to the collapsed cell, Tido turned the other way and started to walk off like he had no clue which direction he shoulda been walkin’ in.

  “Whoa, whoa,” I told him, hittin’ his wrist from my perch. I was still spinnin’ on the hand that was buried inside me. “Don’t know if all that bleedin’ is thwhackin’ up your compass, Conan, but the front door’s that way.”

  “Aye,” he muttered, “an’ oonless ye brought ah feast fer the both o’ oos, we’re nae gettin’ that mooch past it. We need sustenance an’ Ah needs tae rest fer a spell.”

  “Somehow, I don’t think there’s any drive-thrus down here,” I pointed out, wonderin’ if all that blood loss coulda really warped his mind.

  “Aye boot there’s ah right… cafeteria what… can provide fer oos. All we gotta… gotta…”

  He started droopin’, so I slapped his wrist even harder. “Hey, hey! I didn’t get turned into an angel-kebob just so you could conk out on me now, Tido! How far away’s this cafeteria?” An’ I had me no idea just what kind of food they could be servin’ up this side of hell.

  He took a deep breath and nodded toward a pair o’ double doors that were just ahead. Stumblin’ the rest o’ the way towards ‘em, he damn near fell through them when we made our way in.

  It definitely looked like a cafeteria, three sets of long tables and benches as iced up as the floor and walls. A lot of screamin’ and shoutin’ could be heard when Conan dropped me ta grab the nearest table and steady himself. I looked over the big counter where the racket was comin’ from and felt a little sick.

  Every one o’ the souls workin’ that kitchen had perfecto body-os revealin’ a lot of abuse. I saw more than a few cuts and bruises that all but stank of the greater assholes’ standard torture games. None of these sorry aholes looked like they belonged in this level of the Underground, so my best guess was they musta been imports.

  I wanted ta figure out more about the sitch but Tido didn’t look like he could stand up much longer. “What’re ya waitin’ there for, yo?” I yelled at the lot of ‘em, glarin’ at each one individuistically. “My man here needs some food, on the double! Chop-chop-chop!”

  That snapped them out of their paralysis and they went right to work. Hated goin’ all Gordon Ramsey on ‘em but Tido’s time was limited. He began to lie down on the table like it was a big feather bed. The way his aura kept flickerin’, I expected he’d never wake up if he dared ta go ta sleep.

  One of the kids, a caramel-colored boy with a pretty face and no hair, appeared from behind the counter and grabbed Tido’s shoulder and my hand ornament. “Gotta get you out o’ sight,” he whispered. “Those demons will make you their next meal if they spot you.”

  “Word up,” I said, extendin’ my fist. The kid smiled, droppin’ Tido for a second ta give my fist a bump. Then, with the help of two of the others, they hauled both of us behind the servin’ counter sose we’d be outta the way o’ any onlookers.

  He pulled us all the way to the back o’ the kitchen. It was warmer than the rest o’ this dump but twice as filthy. Grease stains covered the floor and none of the cutlery looked like it had ever been washed. OSHA would have condemned this spot as a bio-haters zone two seconds after seein’ it. But at least the heat o’ the ovens kept most the cold off and Conan was soakin’ it up as much as I was.

  Baldy joined the others in choppin’ up something on the counter that looked like it came straight from the Dark Wood. “Got… got any… water?” Conan asked.

  One girl, a Buffy lookalike with more bimbo features glued on, filled a big pot with the nasty, bloody meat as she answered, “Yeah, we melted the ice.”

  “Don’t know if it’s safe to drink but…” another dude said. He had Calvin Klein muscles and he was bringin’ over a ginormous bowl o’ water.

  Tido tilted his head a little. “T’will do, lad… care ta do the honors?”

  While the kid started pourin’ the water down Tido’s gullet, I used my third eye ta take a look around. Like I figured, all the kids’ auras revealed they were newlydeads, which could only mean one thing. “Yo, are all o’ youse Retrievers?”

  “Yeah, man,” the bald kid said, grasping the hand I was still stuck on by the wrist. “At least, we tried to be. Guess we weren’t good enough if we’re here now, right?”

  “Well, how the hell were we supposed to make it?” one of the others asked. She was an Asian girl who chopped the meat they were throwin’ into the pot. “No training, only Dante’s Inferno for a guidebook, and a slew o’ big-ass monsters nobody told us about… we were fu—” Then she looked at me again and said, “Uh, we were screwed from the start.”

  “You gotta point, Alice,” Baldy said.

  The doors burst open, and the bald kid released the hand I was stuck onto as he got back on his feet. Calvin Klein took one look at Tido, who gave him the nod to stand up too. Good thing we was behind the counter an’ hidden because a Wookie started yellin’ from the dinin’ area.

  “Just got it done,” Bimbo Buffy yelled back ta him. “How much do you want?”

  He yelled out his reply and Bimbo Buffy threw a huge flank of meat outta the pot and across the room. The Wookie made a lot of messy mastiburcation noises on the other side before slammin’ through the doors again.

  Alice sighed with relief. “Way too close… are we really sure that helping these two out is a good idea?”

  “Helping these two will hurt the bastards that are keeping us here,” Baldy shot ba
ck, kneelin’ down to pull on the hand that was kebobing me.

  “Why do you always have to talk so much sense, Percy?” Alice asked.

  Baldy just shrugged back at her. “I dunno. Somebody has to, I guess. Yo, my man’s gonna be needing that roast meat. Is it ready yet, Bri?”

  Bimbo Buffy looked a little embarrassed as she brought over another steaming flank of… whatever the fuck it was. “I don’t think this one is as well done as what I threw to the big guy.”

  Tido just grabbed it and started munchin’ it down like it was freakin’ KFC extra crispy wings. I was ready ta give him some grief ‘bout his terrible manners when I finally slid off the finger. I cried out ‘cause it hurt like a bitch. Baldy tossed the hand into the nearest corner.

  “You’re gonna be fine, angel,” he said, that mansome face lookin’ worried about me.

  I winced but nodded. “Just get me some of what Tido’s eatin’ and I’ll be golden.”

  Just like that, Bimbo Buffy dropped another steaming piece o’ meat in my lap.

  While I was busy stuffin’ my face, I watched Tido’s wounds heal up. Then I saw the color return to his face, and arms, and abs, and everything else. Even the holes on either side o’ me started ta heal but that woulda happened even without the food.

  The kids were still a little scared, lookin’ over the other side for any signs o’ trouble. But they kept on feedin’ us and Tido kept on eatin’. After a few minutes, we were both good enough ta stand.

  Conan looked around at every one o’ them. I coulda swore he had tears in his eyes. “Lads… lassies… me an’ the stookie angel here owe ye a mountain o’ debt we cannae repay.”