A Place Without you

by Jewel E. Ann

  Laughter from both of us fills the room. Neither one of us says it, and maybe it will never be anything more, but in this moment we are Henna and Bodhi. What we share is so natural and easy, the only part that feels wrong is our thinking that it’s wrong.

  I glance at my watch. “I have to get to class.”

  Bodhi’s smile remains firmly attached to his face. He doesn’t ruin the moment by jumping back into Mr. Malone mode. I wonder if third period is his favorite part of the day too.

  “Have a nice weekend.”

  “You too, Mr. Malone.”

  His eyes widen a bit. “I earned your respect today?”

  He’s earned my love, my affection, my desire, my every thought. How can he not know that? “You did.”

  After school I wait for Warren by his car. He has forty-five minutes for a break before he needs to be back for the game.

  “Hell, I figured you’d be out shopping for a dress. Surely your mom knows a gazillion fancy designers.”

  I roll my eyes. “I’m wearing two floral pillow cases sewn together. You good with that?”

  He leans down and kisses me on the cheek. “I asked you to homecoming, not your dress. Clothing is optional.” Tossing his bag into the backseat of his Subaru Outback, he flashes me a cocky smile. Warren is going to have any girl he wants for the rest of his life. If his outgoing personality doesn’t cinch the deal, his athletic build, hazel eyes, and thick dark hair will guarantee it.

  “I need a ride. Pretty please.”

  “I don’t have much time. Where to?”

  I look across the parking lot to the area where the teachers park. “I’m not sure. I need to know where Mr. Malone lives. He should be coming out of the building soon. We need to follow him.”

  “You’re going to slash his tires? I heard he put you in automotive class.”

  “No tire slashing.” I keep my gaze on Alice.

  “Tee Pee his house?”

  “Maybe.”

  “Make a peace sign in his lawn with grass killer?”

  Giving Warren a quick sideways glance, I grin. “That only happened once.”

  “He’s pretty cool. What’s your problem with him?”

  “Who said I have a problem with him?”

  Bodhi and his faded gray messenger bag head toward Alice.

  “Sometimes it’s a good idea to keep tabs on people who can make or break my senior year. He’s getting in his van. Let’s go.”

  Warren opens my door. I smile. He’s a nice guy. If I have to find makeshift dates for my senior year, Warren is a solid choice.

  “His dad’s in a wheelchair.”

  I nod, keeping a close eye on Alice as Bodhi heads down the road. “Yeah, I heard that.”

  Warren turns down the radio. “My mom knew his mom. I guess after his dad had his accident, he went through some bad times and their marriage started to fall apart. She stayed to take care of him, but a year later, she died of a heart attack. She had a heart condition.”

  “Seriously?” My stomach falls, thinking about Bodhi’s life.

  “Yeah, so keep your revenge to a minimum. I think Mr. Malone has been through a lot.”

  I nod slowly as Bodhi turns into a long gravel drive. “Bella’s Stables? What’s he doing here?”

  Warren chuckles. “Maybe he likes to ride horses.”

  Yes. That makes perfect sense for my sexy cowboy. “Stop. Let me out here.”

  “Do you want me to wait?”

  I open the door. “Nah. My house is literally a mile up the hill.”

  “True.”

  “Thanks, Warren. I really appreciate it.”

  “You coming to the game tonight? Wanna hang out afterwards?”

  “Maybe and maybe.”

  He chuckles. “Okay, then maybe I’ll call you after I’m out of the locker room.”

  I hold up my hand in a friendly goodbye as I shut the door.

  I don’t know a lot about Bella’s Stables. We’re not equestrian people at my house. I’m fairly certain this place is more for tourists who want to horseback ride the trails in the mountains.

  Walking the gravel lane, I pass stables on my right with a field of grazing horses behind it. Farther down the way, there is an old house I assume is abandoned. Stopping just round the bend, I spy Bodhi, parked next to an old silver minivan. He gets out of Alice, slings his bag over his shoulder, and walks up the wheelchair ramp.

  Bodhi lives in that old house with his wheelchair-bound father. I press my hand to my chest, feeling an aching pain in my heart.

  “Can I help you?”

  I jump, keeping my hand to my chest. “Oh, um …”

  The middle-aged man with messy brown-gray hair peeking out from his black cowboy hat wipes his hands on a rag and shoves the rag into his back pocket.

  “You wanna ride?”

  “No, thank you. I just live up the way. I can walk.”

  He nods toward the stables. “I meant a horse. Did you come here for one of the trail rides? It’s been a slow day. I’ll knock thirty dollars off if you’re interested.”

  I glance down at my jeans and sneakers I have to wear for automotive class, thinking they’d work for riding a horse. “Sure.”

  He starts walking and I follow. “Do you own the stables?”

  “Nope. I’m the manager. My name is Duke, by the way. The Malone family owns everything, but after Barrett had his accident, things were neglected. They tried to sell it all, but they couldn’t get a fair price, so they kept it and hired me to run things. Their youngest, Bodhi, helps out in the evenings and early mornings, but he has a job at the school now.”

  “Is his dad home by himself during the day?”

  Duke saddles a chestnut horse with one white sock on its front right leg. “Etta, my wife, stays with him. We own that trailer just beyond the farmhouse. It’s not much, but we don’t have kids, just Howie.” He nods to the dog pacing by the black gate to the horse fields.

  “Howie is a beautiful dog.”

  “Australian Shepherd.” He tightens the saddle. “Have you been on a horse before?”

  “Once. On a beach with my mom for …” A photo shoot. But that sounds weird and getting into my family’s professions isn’t something I like explaining. “A short ride.”

  “Well, Angelina is a great fit for you. She’ll give you an easy, slow ride.” He looks me over. “Are you eighteen? I’ll need a waiver signed.”

  “Nineteen.”

  “Oh, college?”

  “No. I’m … not in college. I have some living to do first.”

  “I hear ya.” He grabs a clipboard off a hook and hands it to me. “Read and fill out the three lines at the bottom. It’ll be sixty-five with the discount.”

  I fill out the form and pay him.

  “You can leave your bag right here. Ain’t nobody around to take it. I’ll have Leo take you from here. Give me one sec.” He disappears around the corner.

  I smooth my hand over the white area just above Angelina’s nose, and her ears twitch. My innocent stalking has turned into a horseback ride with someone named Leo. I suppose in my own little part of the world, I’m just living.

  “Hello.”

  I turn to the fine specimen in snug-fitting jeans, a tight tee, and blond hair a little darker than Bodhi’s. He slips on a baseball cap. It almost makes me laugh. He needs a cowboy hat to complete his own sexy cowboy look. He has to be younger than Bodhi by a few years. His body looks like it’s just coming into its own.

  “Hi.” I force my eyes to meet his gaze instead of comparing him to my favorite guidance counselor.

  “I’m Leo. I’ll be your private guide today.” He holds out his hand.

  “Henna.” I shake his hand, it’s nice, but not … I internally scold myself. My life will suck if I spend the rest of it comparing every man I meet to the one I want the most. The one I can’t have.

  “Duke said you don’t have much experience around horses. I’ll give you a few simple ways to guide her, but s
he’ll pretty much do exactly as you want without you doing much of anything. And Claud and I will be right next to you.” He nods to the large black horse behind him.

  “Cool. I’m sure we’ll be fine.”

  Leo helps me onto Angelina, grabbing not only one of my legs, but my ass too when I fail to pull myself up into the saddle.

  “Let’s go.” He clicks his tongue and Angelina follows him and Claud out to the trail.

  Leo takes me on a ninety-minute ride where I discover that he’s Duke’s eighteen-year-old nephew who dropped out of school when he “fell into a bit of trouble,” of which he doesn’t elaborate.

  “Come back tomorrow and I’ll let you ride for free with me and Claud on the morning tour, 9:00 a.m.”

  My ass, lady bits, and inner thighs are thoroughly bruised. I will not be riding anything for a long time. “Thanks for the offer, but I can’t.”

  “Another time?” He guides us toward the stables where a sexy guy in another stupid white tee and jeans stands with a sponge in his hand and a sudsed-up horse in front of him.

  “Maybe,” I whisper, a little breathless because Bodhi looks hot as fuck even with the slacked-jaw expression on his face.

  “Mr. Malone.” Leo nods as our horses slow their gaits.

  “Leo …” Bodhi replies while looking at me with all kinds of questions etched into his forehead.

  “I was going to do that, but I had a tour come up,” Leo explains, dismounting from Claud.

  “You can finish.” Bodhi tosses the sponge in the bucket—still staring only at me—before taking Angelina’s reins from me and guiding us into the far stall of the stable.

  I want him to speak because I’m not sure how to explain my late afternoon ride on his property. He runs a calming hand down Angelina’s neck a few times before holding out his hand to me. I take it and slide off the horse with very little grace, landing into his chest.

  “Henna.” He gives me an expectant look as I peer up at him.

  “S’up?”

  “S’up?” He cants his head.

  “She’s a great horse,” I whisper.

  He nods once, keeping me flush to his body.

  I swallow hard and press my hands to his chest until he releases me. He takes off her riding gear and hangs it with the rest of the tack, his back to me. “Did you follow me home?”

  “Yep. I sure did.”

  He pauses his motions, glancing over his shoulder. The truth is usually more shocking than a lie.

  “Don’t give me that look. You know what my nipples feel like against your tongue.”

  Crimson races up his face as he turns back to hang stuff up.

  “I needed to know where you live. How you live in my community, yet I met you at a concert with 100,000 spectators in the middle of the desert. And much to my complete shock, you literally live a mile from me.”

  “I’m the stable boy and you’re the princess on the hill.”

  “Dude, no. I’m not a princess. I live in the guest house—not even the whole house—just one bedroom, a bath, and small kitchen. I walk to school, even when it’s snowing. I have snow shoes, for real. Granted, I’ve caught a ride a few times in the rain, but that’s rare. And clearly Leo is the stable boy, a juvenile delinquent stable boy, but nonetheless a stable boy.”

  Bodhi shakes his head, releasing a soft chuckle. “He’s not a juvenile or a delinquent. He had sex with a woman much older than him when he was sixteen. Small town. Lots of gossip. So he dropped out of school and moved to Colorado, close to his uncle and aunt.”

  “That sucks.”

  Bodhi shrugs, sliding his hands in his back pockets while leaning his shoulder against the side of the stall. “Duke—and eventually Leo too—taking care of all of this is what allowed me to get a degree, a job, an extra source of income beyond the unreliable trail rides.”

  I stare at him for a few silent moments. “I want to know you, Bodhi what’s-your-middle-name Malone.”

  He grins. “Bodhi Kaden Malone.”

  “Bodhi …” I take two steps toward him. “Kaden …” Another step. “Malone …” I rest my hands on his chest. They seem to know exactly where to touch him—where they fit so perfectly. “Do you regret this coincidence? Me being a student at your school? Do you wish we weren’t in the same town? Do you worry about someone finding out? About losing your job?”

  “Yes.”

  I tip my chin down, letting my hands fall to my sides, letting my heart bleed out.

  “Yes, I worry about someone finding out, and I worry about losing my job, but I don’t regret the coincidence. This sadistic, glutton-for-punishment side of me is so ridiculously elated that you’re here, that I get to see you most days.”

  “Mr. Malone?” Leo calls.

  I take a step back as Bodhi brushes past me, his finger intentionally ghosting along my hand for a breath. “Just a minute,” he says to me.

  After a few minutes, he returns. “I have to get some chores done and pay a few bills. Duty calls.”

  “Then what?”

  He narrows his eyes in question.

  “After your chores and writing checks. Then what are you doing?”

  “Fixing dinner for my dad.”

  “Then what?”

  Bodhi sighs. “Help him get ready for bed. Give him his meds and put him to bed. Clean up the kitchen from dinner, take a shower, check my email, then crash.”

  “It’s Friday. Don’t crash. Meet me in Alice.”

  “Henna, I can’t.” He runs a hand through his hair, tugging at it before letting his arm flop to his side.

  “You can. It’s your fear and guilt telling you that you can’t. Just …” I grip his shirt, resting my forehead on his chest as his arms lie limp at his sides. I love him beyond reason, and it’s so damn exhilarating and so fucking heartbreaking, but … I can’t pretend that he’s not here in my life. My heart won’t let me. “We don’t have to do anything but simply be.” I glance up. “Can you give me that? Can you just be with me?”

  Conflict wars along his face and deep in his eyes. It’s not a setup. I’m not baiting him. My need to be with him in any way possible is real, and it makes me think about something besides getting high, hating that I have another year of school and feeling guilty for feeling anything in life aside from lucky that I wasn’t the one who died.

  “Wait for me in Alice.”

  Alice. He still calls her Alice. I love that.

  “I’ll be there.” I smile and a tiny grin breaks through all the worry on his face.

  CHAPTER ELEVEN

  Bodhi

  “STOP PUNISHING YOURSELF,” my dad whispers as I set a glass of water on his nightstand and adjust his covers.

  “I have a job. The students like me. We turned an actual profit this summer. I didn’t burn dinner tonight, and you seem to have a little less pain than you’ve had previous nights. I don’t feel punished.”

  He shoots me a look, the one where he sees through my bullshit. He always sees through it. But we are also very much alike, so as much as he hates my self-inflicted punishment, he understands it.

  “I love you, boy.”

  I grin, resting a hand on his shoulder before turning out the light. “I love you too.”

  My usual dragging-ass pace to clean the kitchen, shower, and respond to email from students and parents is replaced with a hurry-my-ass-up pace to get to Henna.

  I pause on the porch when I see her in a hoodie and jeans, standing by Alice with her head tipped back, looking at the stars. My hands will always remember the silky feel of her long, auburn hair, and my face will never forget how it feels when that hair tickles it as we kiss. And my lips … they’re ruined for eternity.

  “There’s nothing like this view.”

  She turns as I approach, her gaze making its own perusal of me with my wet, showered hair, clean jeans, and a hoodie too. “No boots?”

  I glance down at my white Converse high-tops with the laces loose instead of tied. “Nah. There’s no work
to be done.” I open the passenger door, and she climbs inside. Releasing the lever, I lower the back of her seat as far as it will go.

  Her eyes shoot open wide.

  “Get comfy.” I shut her door and jump into the driver’s seat, reclining my seat back as well. “There was a football game tonight.”

  “There was,” she answers, both of us staring at the ceiling.

  “You should have been there watching Warren play or your classmates march in the band or a million other things that don’t involve me.”

  “Probably.”

  I turn my head toward her, and she mirrors me with a big grin.

  “Do you think about us?” she whispers. “Because I do.”

  I nod slowly.

  Possibly satisfied with my confession, she turns her gaze back to the ceiling and so do I. After a few minutes of silence, I drop my right arm, letting my waiting hand hang between the seats, but it doesn’t wait long. Henna’s hand slides into mine, lacing our fingers.

  “Did you have fun with your dad over the summer?”

  “Yes.” She sighs. “We went to the beach, camped, and fished. He taught me how to fly fish when I was eight. I don’t know … it’s two different worlds. When I’m with Juni and Zach, taking elaborate trips and seeing the world from a yacht in the Mediterranean Sea, it’s pretty spectacular. But being mesmerized by the flames of a campfire or the ripple of the water as I cast lines with my dad is spectacular in its own right. Juni gives me wings. She encourages me to experience life to the fullest. Dad grounds me, and sometimes I need that too.”

  “I love that you call your mom Juni.” I chuckle.

  “I told you, she’s my friend. I can tell Juni everything, but there are some things Mom doesn’t need to know.”

  “Juni is a great name. You should call her that just because it’s such a great name. And I think there’s a model or actress with the name Juniper—Juni.”

  Henna giggles. “You’d be correct.”

  I squeeze her hand, and she looks at me. “Why did you lie to me?”

  The smile fades from her mouth. “I didn’t really lie. I just didn’t tell you the truth.” One shoulder lifts into a half shrug. “I didn’t know if we could be us if we were completely forthcoming. But …” She exhales. “I was wrong. We are greater than you and greater than me, and we are definitely greater than our life’s circumstances.”