A Place Without you

by Jewel E. Ann

  It doesn’t work. He winces. “Henna, I …”

  “No. No …” I roll on top of him. “Don’t go there. Don’t do it. No regrets. YOLO. Man up and show some pride for taking my virginity. So many men before you have tried and failed. You should get a prize or at least a bumper sticker that says I was in Hell and never wanted to leave.”

  The most intoxicating laugh breaks from his chest, and in the dim lighting his perfect smile beams. My grin matches his. I love us so much it’s hard to find a complete breath when I think about leaving.

  “I don’t want to go.”

  His smile dissolves into a frown, and the same regret he had for his dad reappears, but this time it’s for me. I hate being his regret.

  “Tell me you want me to stay.”

  His head eases side to side as his hands feather down my back to my bare ass. “I want you, but I don’t want you to stay.”

  “What if I want to stay?”

  Bodhi shakes his head some more. “You don’t. We feel the same, and you know it. You want me, but you don’t want to stay.”

  “You’re right. I want to go. I want you to come with me. And I know it’s selfish. And maybe nineteen is too old to play the young and selfish card, but even if it is, I can’t help how I feel.”

  He presses his lips to mine, unmoving. It feels like he’s stopped time. I want him to stop time. I want to live with Bodhi forever without taking a single blink.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE

  WE SPEND THE next three days talking on the phone, texting, and taking long walks along the snowy trails on the back of Snare. I find riding a horse with Bodhi sitting right behind me, holding me in his strong arms, is quite possibly the greatest experience I’ve ever had.

  Between spending time with my family and him making an effort to be there with his sister, we don’t find any more time to spend in the back of Alice.

  “Maybe something came up?” Zach looks at his watch as he and my mom wait with me at the bottom of the stairs to ZIP’s private jet.

  I’m leaving today. California then … the world. It should be the best day of my life. But instead, I’m dying inside because I’m leaving Bodhi. What’s worse—he’s not here to say goodbye. He said he’d be here. He’s twenty minutes late.

  “Sometimes goodbyes are too hard.” Juni strokes my hair below my white beanie as I keep my eyes glued to the entrance of the small airport. “You can FaceTime him from your dad’s house.”

  Tears fill my eyes. I don’t want to FaceTime him. I want his arms. I want his lips.

  Fuck … I just want him.

  “What if he got into an accident? I know he wouldn’t miss this. I just know. Something’s happened. I can’t leave until—”

  Zach points to the blue van stopped at the security entrance. “I’ll call down to have them let him in.”

  I drop my purse and take off running like I did on Christmas night. Alice speeds toward me. Bodhi stops at the barricade, jumps out, and runs toward me.

  “Where were you?” I squeeze my eyes shut, letting the emotions flow down my face as he hugs me, lifting me off the ground.

  “I’m so sorry,” he says out of breath. “Alice wouldn’t start. I was so fucking scared that you were going to be gone.” Bodhi sets my feet back on the ground. He cradles my face, rubbing his thumbs over my tear-drenched cheeks before kissing the rest away, ending with a slow, miserable, my-heart-is-breaking kiss.

  “I love you,” I whisper when his lips release mine.

  He rests his forehead on mine. “I love you too. Forever.”

  “Jesus …” I blink more tears. “This hurts. I already miss you. It’s already impossible to breathe. How am I supposed to get on that plane?”

  “Show me the world, baby. Live like I’m there with you.”

  I grip his jacket and press my lips to his like he did our last night together—unmoving. Time … please just stop. Just give me this moment with him forever. “You make me want to stay,” I whisper past the lump in my throat.

  Bodhi kisses every inch of my face before letting his lips find the center of my forehead. “You make me want to go,” he whispers in return.

  “Henna and Bodhi,” I say on a painful sigh.

  He hugs me to his chest, resting his hand on my head, holding me like I’m his world. “Bodhi and Henna,” he softly echoes me.

  I ease back. He holds my hand, slowly letting go until it’s just the tips of our fingers clinging to the final second.

  “I love you,” I mouth.

  Bodhi’s eyes fill with tears and his jaw clenches, trying so hard to hold it together. He starts to speak, but he chokes, shaking his head. He holds his fisted hand to his mouth. If he blinks, he’ll cry. If he speaks, he’ll sob. If he does either one, I’ll never get on that plane.

  Forcing myself to turn, I walk back to the plane.

  “Call me when you get there.” Mom gives me a final hug and so does Zach.

  I climb the stairs to the jet and stop at the top. Alice’s brake lights shine red in the distance. He turns right and disappears.

  “Okay, world…” I take a deep breath and wipe the tears from the corners of my eyes “…show me whatcha got.”

  CHAPTER TWENTY-SIX

  January and February – Japan

  MY DAD TAKES my dropping out of school a lot better than I imagined. We spend a memorable New Years together, then he takes me to the airport for an emotional goodbye before boarding my non-private jet to Japan.

  Bodhi messages me before I leave California.

  Bodhi: I hope you’re wearing your best smile and lots of sunscreen. This is life, baby … LIVE IT!

  I send him a short video of me kissing my hand and blowing it toward the camera.

  Me: Living it. Missing you. Xo

  Why Japan? Well, it’s where Juni met Zach. It’s a stunning mix of ultra high-tech and rich historic culture. I spend two months in Japan traveling from hostel to hostel, living like a nomad instead of a princess up the hill. Granted … my expenses are covered by the music king and fashion queen, but I only splurge when adventure calls and live frugally on days that require nothing more than my sketch pad and sharpened pencils.

  I’m living. But mostly … I miss Bodhi.

  “Hey!” I grin and it feels equal parts amazing and torturous as Bodhi’s face appears on the screen. We FaceTime once a month and text once a day. That’s what we agreed upon before I left. Anything less would have me running home and giving up on my dreams, anything more would distract me from living.

  “Hey, yourself.” Bodhi’s smile could break my computer screen. “How was your last day in Tokyo?”

  “Amazing. I can’t believe how many friends I’ve made in two months. I didn’t make that many in four years of high school.” My lips twist. “Okay, I’ve made four new friends in a couple months, but that feels like a lot.”

  Bodhi shakes his head, his smile still beaming. “It looks like Japan suits you better than high school.”

  “Yeah, but I still miss third period.”

  His grin fades a tiny fraction. “I miss you too. But … I’m so freaking happy for you and for me when I get to live vicariously through your postcards. Look …” He repositions his computer screen to the wall behind his bed.

  I send him a post card from every new city, no matter how big or small. He has them tacked to the wall above his bed. “What happens when you run out of wall space?”

  He repositions the camera so it’s back on him. “I have three other walls.”

  If I send him enough postcards to cover all of his bedroom walls, I’m certain it would take a decade, and after two months and one new country, I’m ready to go home to Bodhi.

  But … life.

  “Have you picked up the language?”

  I laugh. “Maybe sign language. I’m pretty good at charades. The locals find me entertaining.” I shrug. “I’ve mastered some of the language. Enough to not feel like a tourist every day.”

  “Are you going to
tell me where you’re going tomorrow? What new country?”

  “Nope.” I pop the P. “I told you, I’ll tell you when I get there.”

  Bodhi chuckles, scratching his stubbly face. He looks so damn sexy with a neatly trimmed winter beard. My fingers ache, missing his touch.

  “You don’t know, do you?”

  I roll my eyes. “I have a plane ticket in my bag. Of course I know where I’m going tomorrow.” Releasing a long sigh, I ask the question that makes me the most nervous. “How’s your dad?”

  His brows draw together. “He’s fine. The last round of chemo took a lot out of him, but he’s bouncing back a little more each day. How about you? Where’s your pain level?”

  “Surprisingly not awful. I honestly didn’t anticipate staying in a country so long with such harsh punishments for using marijuana.”

  “The acupuncture and herbs have helped?”

  “God, yes … so much. After that first miserable week here, which I’m certain it was the long flight that did a number on my back, I’ve been functional.” I grin. “And sober. Okay, I may have shared some hot sake with a few of my new friends during late night gatherings at the hostel, but that’s it.”

  “Sake, huh?”

  “Not my cuppa, but this is a wasted experience if I don’t try new things. I don’t even want to tell you some of the foods I’ve tried. Sushi dad would never let me live it down.”

  Bodhi chuckles. It hurts … all of it.

  His laugh.

  His smile.

  That handsome face.

  Those eyes …

  “I wanna come home,” I whisper as emotions burn my eyes.

  “Baby …” He lifts his hand to touch the screen. “Japan is one country. The world is your dream.”

  “You’re my dream.”

  He frowns. “It’s just because we’re seeing each other like this—live, like we’re together when we’re not. I’ve seen too many pictures of you over the last two months with the biggest smiles and your eyes beaming like you just discovered the meaning of life. Don’t cheat yourself. You’ll regret it.”

  We’ve never discussed how long. How long will I be gone? Before Bodhi, I thought at least two years with Juni, Zach, and my dad meeting me for visits in some of their favorite countries. If I go home, even for a quick holiday visit, I know I won’t be able to get back on a plane again. I will make a beeline to Bodhi Malone, and that’s where I’ll stay.

  So, I’m not going home until my travels are complete.

  “Tell me about the rumors,” I say.

  “Rumors?” His head cocks to the side.

  “There’s always rumors. After I dropped out, what were people saying? Did they suspect us?”

  He glances at his watch. Our different time zones suck. He has school soon, and I have bed soon.

  “Kids are always talking shit. I ignore it, but …” Bodhi chews on the inside of his lip.

  “But what?”

  “Some of the female students have been a little …”

  “Sluts! They’re after you, aren’t they?” Jealousy nips at my nerves.

  “I’ve had to take care of some inappropriate notes and texts. That’s all.”

  “I’d better go before I get the urge to kill something.”

  Bodhi rubs his chin, a triumphant grin playing along his lips. “I love you, Hell. I love you so fucking much.”

  I nod, choking on the emotion that always hovers like a dark cloud over our goodbyes. “Wait for me.”

  “Henna, I’m not going anywhere.”

  I know this, but time distorts emotions and breeds resentment. Time could destroy us. I cough a laugh to hide the impending sobs. “I leave early. Have a good day at work.” My tears chase my goodbye. I try not to let him see how much this hurts.

  “Have a safe flight to … wherever.”

  I nod, plastering on a smile to mask the ugly cry climbing up my throat to escape my bleeding heart. “Bye.” Pressing End, I completely fall apart. I will never be immune to my love for him.

  Bodhi: Close your eyes and let me kiss away those tears. Fall asleep in the memory of my arms wrapped around you. Dream of us.

  This makes me cry more, but I do it. I find comfort and eventually sleep in the warmth of us.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-SEVEN

  MARCH IN CHINA: Twelve postcards, daily texts, one FaceTime. I meet five new friends that I hope to see again someday.

  April and May in Vietnam, Laos, Thailand, and Cambodia: Thirty-two postcards (I fall in love with Southeast Asia), texts most days but not every day, one FaceTime. Bodhi gets the flu, but still makes it to Coachella. I meet eleven new friends and a million friendly faces. I head for my next adventure forever changed because the aftermath of war, genocide, communism, and poverty is still etched into the faces of the locals.

  June in Vanuatu: Six postcards, texts several times a week, one FaceTime. I meet three new friends, and … a guy.

  Me: Yesterday my diving instructor asked me to dinner. He’s nice. Ten years older than me. I said no. He texted me this morning from my front door. He brought me breakfast. His name is Noah. I feel guilty for eating breakfast with him.

  Bodhi: I worry that your guilt could get in the way. Don’t feel guilty. Live, Henna. That’s the point, right?

  Why can’t he be a little upset or show an ounce of jealousy?

  Me: I want to say those same words back to you. When will you “live?”

  Bodhi: I have to go. My dad has an appointment. Love you.

  Me: Love you too.

  Vanuatu is a paradise nestled off the coast of Australia. I chose it because I’ve been to Fiji with Juni and Zach, and I want this trip to be my new discoveries, not reliving old adventures. Paradise has a way of making the rest of the world seem nonexistent. On a tiny island so far from the life I left behind, it’s hard to do anything but live in the moment, especially with my tan, dark curly-haired friend, Noah. Aside from being my hired diving instructor, he takes it upon himself to make sure I get private snorkeling in the afternoons, parasailing, and picnics on the beach.

  “I call bullshit. There’s no way you’re a doctor. Like … a real medical doctor.” I toss a chunk of pineapple at Noah. It lands on his tan washboard abs.

  He grins, blowing the little bit of sand off it, and pops it into his mouth, giving my bikini-clad body the once-over. I hide my blush beneath my wide-brimmed hat. “Total truth. I’m a third-generation doctor of medicine.” He runs his toe along the instep of my foot.

  “You’re too young.”

  “Says the nineteen-year-old girl traveling the world by herself.”

  I give him a flirty smile, letting my eyes shift to his small boat anchored fifty yards from the abandoned beach. The day is perfect. And while I miss Bodhi always, in this exact moment, it doesn’t cause physical pain to my heart. Noah gets the credit—or the blame—for that.

  “Fine, Dr. Noah, why are you on a beach with a nineteen-year-old nomad instead of saving lives?”

  He stares out at the pristine Pacific, chewing on the end of a toothpick while the breeze ruffles his dark wavy hair. “My wife …”

  I stiffen.

  “I met her when she was about your age. I’m not sure how you feel about love at first sight, but I just knew I was a goner when she gave me this guilty smile after accidentally taking my black coffee instead of her latte at the hospital cafeteria. She was a nurse on the oncology floor. I was a resident in the ER. We married three months later.” He smiles. It’s equally sad and romantic at the same time. “She was pregnant by the next month. But she went into labor at thirty weeks.” His brows knit together as his gaze sinks to the sand between us. “We were traveling. She told me to save the baby.” Noah shakes his head. “I couldn’t save him, and … I couldn’t save her. There was just so much blood.”

  Reaching across the sandy divide, I grab his hand.

  “It changed me so profoundly I couldn’t walk back into another hospital.”

  I know about l
ove at first sight. And I know about things in life that change you profoundly.

  “I’m so sorry.”

  He squeezes my hand. “Nothing lasts forever, right?”

  “Yeah …” I release a slow breath as our gazes meet. “Everything is temporary.”

  Noah eases to sitting, holding my gaze in his dark eyes. And when he leans toward me, I don’t move. When his lips press to mine. I don’t pull away. With one hand, he steadies his body between us while his other hand slides through my hair, cupping the back of my head. My hat falls off.

  I pull back an inch, breaking our kiss. My chin dips in shame. “There’s someone.”

  Noah’s hand slides from my head to my arm, feathering his touch to my hand where he traces the beads of my bracelets with his fingers. “At home?”

  I nod.

  “Can I ask why he’s not here?”

  “Timing. We just met at the most impossible time in our lives.” I glance up and share my own heartbreaking smile.

  “And now? Are you just passing time waiting for the right moment?”

  “I don’t know. Maybe.”

  “And he’s waiting for you?”

  It’s my turn to look away. “I think he thinks he’s waiting for me, but how long can one wait?”

  “Do you want him to wait?”

  I just want him. It’s always been that simple for me.

  “Well, he owns my heart, so yeah … I want him to wait. But I’m quite good at wanting the impossible.”

  “Hmm…” he nudges my bare leg with his “…I don’t need your heart. I’d take absolutely anything you had to give. So, you’ve got my number.”

  “You did catch that I’m not exactly hanging out in one spot forever, right?”

  He takes the last piece of pineapple and holds it up to my lips, while grinning. “I have a boat. I can purchase a plane ticket. Train? Bike? As I said … you’ve got my number.”

  I slowly open my mouth and let him slide the juicy fruit onto my tongue. As I close my mouth around it, he lets his fingertips linger on my lips. When he leans in to let his lips steal the spot where his fingers rest, I let him.