Accidentally Married

by Roberts, Emma

  But dammit, Mom had Jasmine over more after I broke up with her than when we had dated. I was happy I had moved out by then, but it had still made family dinners a time of strife for me. That was why I had only gone to one and had simply made up excuses for all of the others after. If my mom wasn’t going to distance herself from Jasmine, then I would distance myself from my parents. And I had done a good job of it, until Maui. It was like we were being pushed together. I’d wondered last year after we had split why my mother had invited Jasmine. At the time, I think she was hoping to push us back together as a couple. My mom had no idea about the knife attack; I hadn’t shared that with a soul. I was embarrassed that I had allowed her to do it to me.

  Still trying to find a confidante, I thought about my friend, Landon. He was my best friend; he would listen. Picking up my phone, I pulled up his number. I sighed. Landon was a good guy. He was the man I’d thrown the bachelor party for the night I met Tiffany. I couldn’t help but think back to that night.

  I remember coming into the bar and spotting her. She had looked happy, but something was missing too. It was a put-on look, not real. For some reason, I’d wanted to go over to her and make her laugh. And she had laughed a lot. I’d told her some of my best stories. Even the corny ones, she had laughed about. I was taken almost instantly by her looks. She had her long blonde hair up on her head, but some of the strands of hair had fallen out and lay along her neck like little snakes. It hadn’t been a scary, Medusa look, though. Instead, it had made her even more attractive and had drawn my attention to her neck. Her neck had looked highly kissable, but then again, I’d wanted to kiss her all over.

  I shook my head. Maybe later. First, I had to talk to Landon. I had to get this steam off of my chest. I can’t go back to the room this upset. If I did, she would notice and ask why I was so upset and I might yell at her without meaning to. I don’t want to hurt Tiffany.

  I dialed Landon’s number and waited for him to pick up. I tapped my foot, trying to figure out how to start the conversation. I had way too much on my mind, and I didn’t want to miss a thing.

  “Hello! What’s up? I thought this was Maui time?” Landon said into his phone.

  I chuckled. “I’m in Maui right at this moment.”

  “So why are you calling me? Why aren’t you out watching that hot wife of yours skinny dip?” Landon asked. “But not hotter than my Beth!” he added the last sentence loudly, and I heard Beth reply in the background.

  “Thanks, babe,” she called out to him.

  “I wish it were that simple, honestly. But I married her when I was drunk, man. If I hadn’t had so much to drink that night, I wouldn’t be married right now. I just don’t know what to do, man. I am truly confused. I have so many emotions going through my mind,” I confessed.

  “So, you’re saying that if you hadn’t been drunk, you wouldn’t have married her?” he asked.

  “She’s sexy, and I would be lying if I didn’t admit the sex was freaking out of this world,” I told him.

  “Hey, TMI, man. TMI,” he shouted at me through the phone.

  I laughed. I could picture Landon trying to look all innocent on the phone as I talked about sex. It was almost a game to us. We both had tried to embarrass the other one from time to time with phone conversations. I still owed him, too, for a time he had gotten me in the past. It was when I’d been with Jasmine, and she was a very jealous person. Landon had called me. Beth had been with him, but this was before they were married. They had just gotten engaged, and he had called to share the news. Beth had made a comment, jokingly, that now that she was off the market, what would I do?

  Jasmine hadn’t taken too kindly to the comment; she hadn’t realized that I wasn’t interested in my best friend’s woman. She had at least waited until I had hung up to go off on me. She had yelled at me and questioned if I had cheated on her. I don’t know how she even thought I’d have time for that; I worked a lot of the time. And whenever I wasn’t at work, she was with me. I had found her to be a controlling little witch, and she had been quite the bitch to deal with. If I arrived late from work, which could happen, I was sleeping with someone in her mind. If I got home early on another day, she’d cry, “See? I knew you were cheating on me.” I can’t tell you how many times I had rolled my eyes when dealing with her.

  “It’s not funny, man. Beth is not ovulating now, and we have to wait another ten days before she will be. Trying to have a baby is a real bitch,” I heard him sigh loudly.

  “Sorry, man. I’ll try to keep it tame from now on,” I told him.

  “Thanks. I can’t tell you how much I appreciate it. By the way, explain to me once more what happened that night in Vegas. I had already gone to my room.”

  “Some of us went to the bar in the hotel. I met her; we drank more. We went upstairs and had the most incredible sex ever. We didn’t have condoms, and when we went searching for one, none of you pricks answered your door. So we had to take a taxi, and we drank more…and blah, blah, blah. I woke up the next morning, and I had a flipping ring on my finger.”

  I hear his snickering seconds before it turns into laughter.

  “Yo, man, it isn’t funny. How many people have you heard of getting drunk in Vegas and getting married by an Elvis Impersonator?” I asked the question seriously; however, he simply laughed harder.

  “Only you, dude. I gotta say – did you get a hunka, hunka burning love bite?!” he said, dying laughing. Landon had been the only person besides Tiffany who I had shown the wedding photos to. He had died laughing then too, making me regret my open nature. However, eventually, he had me laughing about them too. Tiffany had been mortified when she had first seen them. As we looked at them more, though, we couldn’t help but laugh. I smiled as I thought of Tiffany, which caused me to sigh.

  “That wasn’t even that funny,” I told him, chuckling lightly. “You know how my parents invite ‘she who shall not be named’ each year? Well, she’s here again this year, and this time, she brought her fiancé with her. Yeah, a real gem of a guy, and not the one she did the video with either. I don’t think so, anyway; he doesn’t have the same face. I hate her. She’s such a bitch; I wish she would just go away. I can’t even begin to tell you how manipulative she was in our relationship. I know I told you some of it, but not all of it. I never told you about when she pulled a knife on me and threatened to kill me. I never told you about so many things. Not that I’m looking for sympathy. I’m honestly just trying to calm down enough that I don’t go and tell her off. I would much rather enjoy my vacation with Tiffany, but Jasmine makes it hard for me to enjoy anything. I never realized how bad she was; now, I see it much clearer. Fuck, man. I hate her more than anything. Why did I waste any of my time on her? I just don’t know what the fuck was wrong with me; I’m a total fucking moron.”

  “Wooh, man. Okay. Just relax for a moment and calm down. Deep breaths, man. You can’t think of her; she’s long done. You are smart enough to not let a little thing like Jasmine ruin your happiness, aren’t you? As far as the knife incident, I understand why you didn’t share it with me before. You know that I would have done something about it. I don’t know what, but I would have found a way to make her pay for it.”

  “She’s taking all of the attention, man. She gets engaged a few months back, and suddenly now, he’s ready to get married? That doesn’t work for me. It seems like she’s planned it all. Dude, after she pulled the knife, I broke up with her for good. But my freaking parents and her, they just can’t seem to separate. I don’t get why my mom and dad love her so much,” I complained.

  “She probably did plan it to work out this way. She’s not the type of girl who wants the spotlight on anyone but her,” he agreed.

  “Who?” I heard Beth ask in the background.

  “Jasmine. She’s ruining the Maui trip.”

  “Why do they take her anyway?” I heard Beth ask.

  “Tell her I wish I knew,” I told Landon.

  He relayed my message, a
nd I heard Beth making a variety of comments, most of which I had also made in the past. “That’s fucked up they take her along, especially since her and Archer used to date. Wow.”

  “I’ve wondered about your parents for more years than I can tell you. Remember the one year I came home with you during one of our school breaks?” Landon asked.

  “Yeah, that was our last year at boarding school. I remember that was when Jasmine was hitting on all three of us – Mark, you, and me. I thought she was hot, but kind of a slut. I’m not sure why I ever hooked up with her later on,” I reminisced.

  “I think it was because of Mark. When he told her off – told her that he was tired of her flirting with him and that he wouldn’t date her if she was the last person on the face of the Earth. That she could be the only person on the face of the Earth, and he’d just let the population die out because that was how sick she made him.” Landon laughed before adding, “Too bad you were the nice guy and comforted her.”

  “Yeah, but I did get some pussy, too, over that break,” I gloated, but it only made me feel sick, not accomplished. “Dammit, man. I wish I had avoided her.”

  “She threw it at me, too, but I told her no thanks, man. I knew she had slept with you; she told me,” Landon stated.

  “Who threw what at you?” I heard Beth ask in the background.

  “Jasmine. She tried to get me to sleep with her,” Landon responded.

  “When was this?” I heard her ask.

  “It was when I was 17. I went home with Archer on one of our private school breaks. She was there hitting on Mark, and he turned her down, brutally. So Archer decided to comfort her in more than one way. She approached me and tried to have sex with me, too. I refused; I had a feeling she was a real skank. She even told me she had just fucked Archer,” Landon told Beth.

  “Ewww. Damn, that’s some gross ass ho shit there,” Beth said.

  I laughed and laughed until I cried. “Tell Beth that was the best comment I’ve heard in a while, and thanks.”

  “Archer said that was the best comment he’s heard in a long time, and thank you,” Landon told her.

  “You’re welcome, Archer. Hey, how is Maui?” Beth asked over the line. She must have grabbed the phone from Landon. I liked Beth; she was a cool girl, and she treated my best friend like a king.

  “It’s okay,” I told her.

  “Not from what I’ve heard so far,” she said bluntly.

  “Okay. Jasmine is bugging the crap out of me. She’s taking all the attention, she’s a manipulator, and I’m really noticing it now. I just didn’t see it before. Now that I do, I wonder what the fuck was wrong with me. How in the hell did I ever date her?” I pondered aloud.

  “Well, Archer, you know that I’m blunt and I’ll say it like it is, right?” Beth began.

  “Yep, that’s one of the best things about you Beth.”

  “Guys get confused by pussy. All of the blood drains from your head – the one up top. You think with your dick, and that is exactly how you hooked up with Jasmine. Was she your first?” Beth asked.

  “No, but she was good; I remember that. However, she was nothing like Tiffany. Shit! Sorry, I didn’t mean to talk to you about my sex life,” I apologized.

  She laughed. “It’s fine. I don’t mind. But sex isn’t everything. You have to have more of a connection.”

  “Hey, why are you guys talking about sex?” I heard Landon ask in the background.

  “Don’t worry, dear. He’s not describing stuff to me. I was just telling him that sex confuses a guy and makes him likely to do dumb things. A woman can control a man with this one little area,” Beth explained.

  I chuckled. “Yeah, that’s very true. But…” I stopped because I wasn’t sure what to say.

  “Archer, I’m sure you will figure it out with Landon’s help. Here he is. Have fun the rest of your time in Maui. As far as Jasmine, just ignore her. She’s what I would call a narcissist. Everything is always about her. I didn’t like her when we got together that one night for supper. All she wanted to do was talk about herself. I was thrilled when you split up. I didn’t really want her at our wedding,” Beth admitted.

  “I know, Beth. Thanks for listening, and have a good night,” I told her sincerely.

  “Night, Archer.”

  “Hey, man,” Landon came back on the phone. “So…Tiffany…what is the deal, man? You want a divorce or what?”

  “Anyway, I am not opposed to dating her and seeing where it leads. But I just don’t think it was my best move ever to marry her before getting to know her,” I told him.

  “Look, man, let me ask you one thing,” he stopped me from rambling on.

  “Yeah, sure. What is it?” I asked him.

  “Do you love her? Just really think about it for a bit, no quick decisions. Because if you really love her, fuck Jasmine. Not actually fuck her, but ignore that nasty bitch. I never liked her anyway. You know what they say about revenge.”

  “It’s a dish best served cold,” I said.

  “Not that one. ‘The best revenge is moving on and being happy.’ Now, think really hard about this. Are you happy? You have great siblings who love you and a really hot and sexy wife. Close to Beth’s level of sexiness…” I heard him say.

  “You can butter me up all you want, but I’m still not having sex until I am ovulating again,” I heard Beth call out in the background.

  I laughed. “Thanks, Landon. I appreciate you talking to me tonight. I’ll let you go, and good luck. Maybe you’ll convince her to let you have sex.”

  “I’m gonna try my hardest.” He laughed and hung up.

  I sat and drank another beer. I wasn’t in a hurry; I was nervous about talking to Tiffany. I was actually a bit scared of getting married for real. To me, the longer this union lasted, the more real it became. But Landon had made sense, too. I really wanted to examine my feelings for Tiffany.

  I wanted to leave sex out of the equation, though. Like I said, I’d been scarred at 16 when I had gotten my first blowjob. I had sworn I was in love with Ms. Connor. I’d even made a fool of myself by going back to see her another time. This time, my friend had been home, though, and he hadn’t appreciated me hitting on his mom in front of him. We’d had a fight that had left us both with black eyes and me with a talking to from his mother in private.

  I could still remember when she had said, “Archer, I need to talk to you in my room.” My dick had sprung to attention, and a smile had covered my face. I had expected her to do the same thing as last time, or if I was lucky, I would fuck her.

  “Archer, you really need to stop. I did that the one time. Nothing is ever going to happen between us again. That time was a mistake; I should never have let it happen,” she’d told me.

  “But…I love you,” I’d sworn.

  She’d laughed at me, looking almost remorseful. “Son, cumming isn’t love. That is just sex. Love is when you hold someone in your heart. When they are so dear to you that you want to keep them safe. Not when you just want to fuck them. That will never be love. But, let me tell you one more thing. When you love someone, the sex is mind blowing. Even better than you think that blowjob felt.”

  I remembered her conversation with me right now and thought about Tiffany. We did have the most incredible sex I’d ever had. But I knew that could fool people. It had fooled me before. However, I forgave myself due to the age I had been. I’d been just a horny boy at the time. Now, I was a grown man, and it was time for me to put my hormones aside.

  But I had to admit, that was very hard to do. Tiffany’s body was rocking hot, and I seemed to quite enjoy taking her in many different positions. I sighed as I thought of the time I bent her over the dresser in our room on the cruise. She had been at the perfect height for me to penetrate deeply into her. At first, I had gone slowly, so as to not hurt her. My cock wasn’t tiny by any means, and I knew she was used to little dick Nick, as she had referred to him in the past. I chuckled. I wasn’t shy about my cock; I knew it was a ni
ce-sized cock.