“And the beauty of the world is less than it was,” Edmund said.
“Is that the quote?” Nodin said.
“Ask Delia.”
“Fuck you, Edmund.”
“We must take the first opportunity to work on your banter,” Edmund said.
“Shit. I don’t know what else I can say. Except, Emily, if you want to look me up, I’m cool with that. I think you and Lola might have been sisters under the skin, you know? We can have some good times.”
Emily looked pained.
“Remember, you could make a date and tear his head from his body if you wanted to,” Delia told her.
Emily started and snuck a smile at Delia. It might not be advisable to start out her new life by ripping someone’s head from his body. But it was reassuring to know she could.
“Joining us now,” Chaz said, “is Jeff’s mother.”
“I’m not sure I’m doing the right thing,” Jeff’s mother said. “I don’t think things like this need to be so public. But, I wanted to say goodbye to my baby. For some reason, this was important to him, so I’m saying my goodbye here. You were the world to me, and I’ve felt pride in you every moment from the second you were born. And what I think is my Jeff was too good for this show. I think he was a person who wasn’t accepting of violence or domination, and that’s why he didn’t win. That’s why he died. Because he was the best person there.”
“Something else that should have been considered before his agreement to appear on the show,” Nodin said.
“I’m sure everyone remembers Brett’s friend Jonas,” Chaz said as Jonas’s image replaced that of Jeff’s mother.
“Jesus, man,” Jonas said. “I fucking knew you were gonna die. That sucks. But your mom said I could have your video games, so… I’ll think of you every time I play them, I swear. Unless I forget which ones were yours and which ones I already had. Maybe I can label them or something. Your mom is pretty bummed. She wouldn’t talk to the show. Man, I’m talking like you’re going to be able to hear me. Stupid, right? I think your mom was pissed when I asked about the video games. Fuck. I just realized you’re not going to be able to hook me up with hot girls. It’s like I already miss you, man.”
“It’s almost like we’ll miss him too,” Chaz said.
“Let’s hear from Charles, Portia’s husband,” Chaz said, and Charles came onscreen.
“I love you, Charles,” a woman in the audience screamed.
“I love you too,” Charles said. “I love all my fans. But tonight is not about me. My wife was an amazing woman,” Charles said. “She was a great talent who never got the recognition she deserved. My greatest regret is she felt she had to risk her life to attain the professional stature she felt she lacked. I never minded she hadn’t made it big. I loved her for who she was, and I’ll always remember the girl I married. I want to dedicate this monolog to my beautiful wife; I’ll miss her always.”
A single tear rolled out of Charles’ eye and trickled down his cheek as he let the recitation take him. “She should have died hereafter.”
“I know I haven’t been human for a bit, but this is weird right?” Nodin said.
“So weird,” Delia agreed.
“Completely inappropriate,” Emily chimed in. “And I was human about twelve hours ago.”
“There would have been a time for such a word,” Charles continued. “Tomorrow, and tomorrow, and tomorrow…”
“This one talks too much,” Vlad said. “Can I eat him?”
“I would let you eat this one if he were here,” Delia said.
Charles droned on. He had begun to writhe. “…Out, out, brief candle!”
“Surely, someone has an address on file?” Nodin said.
“Am I appalled or impressed?” Delia said.
“It could be worse,” Nodin told them. “The actress could have won and decided to change this one.”
All the vampires, including Emily, grimaced at the same time.
“…an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying no—”
“That’s enough,” Delia said.
“That was the entire bit,” Nodin said.
“—thing.” Charles stopped reciting and wiped the single tear that still clung to his cheek. “We always loved the Scottish play. To be honest, it’s not my favorite, but today isn’t about me.”
“You are amazing,” Chaz said. “Even compared to the rest of the humans.”
“That means the world to me,” Charles said. “On a more personal note, I just signed on to play the title role in the live-action reboot of Plastic Man, so don’t forget to see it next summer.”
“I have to agree with Vlad,” Edmund said. “I could visit that one on a dark night.”
“You are not allowed,” Nodin told him. “Friends and family are protected by the terms of the contract.”
“That was a tribute I, for one, will never forget,” Chaz said. “But for those of you who want to try, Madeline’s friend Jessa is up next.”
“I can’t believe how wrong I was.” Jessa twirled a lock of hair around her finger as she talked. “I told her she was going to make it out alive. I feel like it’s my fault because she relied on me so much, and I gave her bad information. But you can’t say, ‘You’re totally going to die; get out of there.’ That wouldn’t be supportive. I hope it’s clear I always supported Madeline; she was my best friend. And best friends are like sisters. Sometimes they have little issues, but I always wanted the best for her. I’m going to miss her so much. I love you, Maddie.
“When I think about how much I wanted to be on the show and how jealous I was… I mean, it was so lucky I didn’t get picked. Although, I mean, I might have won, so that could be different, but what if I hadn’t? That would be terrible. Of course, it’s terrible now. I’m just so upset about this I might not even audition for next season.”
“So many little tragedies today,” Delia said.
Edmund snorted.
“Now appearing on your screens is Ollie’s dad,” Chaz said.
“That damn boy never thought I was proud enough of him,” Ollie’s dad said. “But I was. I’ll admit I wasn’t crazy about this show nonsense, no offense, but that doesn’t mean I wasn’t fond of him. It doesn’t mean I didn’t consider him a man. And now he’s gone. I don’t look forward to living with that. I’m glad his mother had passed before she had to watch him die.
“I guess he finally did succeed in disappointing me.” Ollie’s dad paused as if to consider his next words. “I know you don’t care what I think, but I want you all to know I don’t think your show is a decent thing. I don’t think anything that causes pain to satisfy some shallow taste for entertainment is a decent thing.”
“Who is entertained?” Edmund said.
“There are rodeo trophies behind him,” Nodin said. “I assume he thinks we should all endeavor to enjoy the nobility of watching grown men ride protesting cows for the entertainment of others.”
Delia tilted her head. “Do they ride the cows?”
“At least our cows consented,” Edmund said.
“Cows aren’t people,” Ollie’s father said.
“And people aren’t vampires,” Edmund answered. “Let us all pause to search for profundity in those statements.”
“Let’s give Ollie’s dad a round of applause,” Chaz said. The crowd clapped obediently and somewhere backstage a tech took the cue to bring the visitation by Skype to an end.
Stewart’s kids popped onscreen.
“This is so embarrassing,” Audrey said. “I don’t want to do it. What are we even supposed to say?”
“Hi, kids,” Chaz said, alerting them to the fact that they were already conversing with the world. “Thanks for being here to say goodbye to your father.”
Logan waved at Chaz. His sister gave a cool flip of her hair and nodded.
“We can’t say anything to him; he’s dead.” Audrey scowled. “So fucking lame.”
“Tell me I did not just hear you swear on t
elevision,” someone yelled from off–screen.
“It is lame!” Audrey turned away from Chaz and the audience to engage with her mother. “This show is fucked up, and I don’t even like vampires anymore.”
Logan looked anxious. “I still do. Dad said there was no shame in not being first.”
His sister refocused her savagery. “He didn’t just lose, moron,” she said. “He’s fucking dead, and those assholes watching cheered when he died. It’s fucking ridiculous.”
“Why was that so much cuter when it was Jake?” Chaz speculated. The audience laughed in agreement.
“I want to say goodbye to Dad,” Logan said.
“Hurry up,” Audrey snapped.
“I love you, Dad,” Logan said. “Father Dominick said we get to see you someday in Heaven, but mom said we won’t because—”
“Logan!”
Logan threw a fearful glance over his shoulder. “I miss you, Dad.”
Chaz paused to allow Audrey to speak, but the girl turned her head and remained silent.
“Thanks for being here today, kids,” Chaz said. “I’m sure if your father could see you he would be proud. Let’s give them a hand.”
Stewart’s kids disappeared as the thunderous applause dwindled.
“Our last friends and family participant isn’t here to say goodbye to a departed loved one but to congratulate a sister on her leap into immortality.”
Chaz paused to allow the audience to express their glee. As the audience pounded their hands together, Emily muttered, “Fat chance.”
“Yes,” Vlad said. “She will surely have her objections.”
“Please look at the screens to see how Emily’s sister is feeling about today’s momentous events.”
Emily’s sister was holding a bible to her chest as though it were a shield against the metaphorical darkness that was her sibling.
“Today, I mourn my sister,” she said. “Finally, for the last time.”
“Hello, Evelyn,” Emily said.
“I have been grieving my sister’s loss for years; today, that grieving will end. The demon that now inhabits the body that used to belong to Emily is nothing to me, and I will from this moment strive to forget she ever existed.”
“I think you have some of the old photo albums,” Emily said.
Evelyn sketched a cross in the air with her hand. “Your evil knows no bounds, yet it will be bound by the faith of the devout.”
“I’m sure you’ll be praying for us all,” Emily said.
“It would be amusing to turn her,” Delia said.
“God helps those who help themselves,” Evelyn said. She leaned forward and picked up a pitcher of water which she flung not quite at the camera.
“Do you think that was holy water?” Chaz said.
Emily nodded. “Undoubtedly.”
“That’s it.” A man thrust his dripping face into view. “I’m out of here.”
“Which is why we sent a human,” Chaz said. “Although, to be honest, we were expecting something a little more problematic than water.”
Evelyn’s feed ended as the tech that had drawn the short straw packed up his camera and microphone and went home.
“Let’s all give a hand to Riley and Kiley, who did a fantastic job and exercised an immense amount of self-control.” Riley and Kiley came out and exchanged hugs with Chaz. “Let’s hear it for the girls!”
The judges applauded for the vampire twins as well.
“Check out the Creature of the Night website to find out how Emily is enjoying eternal life, to apply to be a donor, and to audition for next season.”
“My duty is met, is it not?” Vlad said.
Chaz nodded. Emily started to object.
“You will soon discover that I will not be a secret to you,” Vlad told her.
The audience gasped then cheered for the huge bat that hovered above the stage where Vlad had been. Then even the bat was gone.
“Remember, folks,” Chaz said. “When you go to bed tonight, there will be one more creature out there watching from the dark, ready to come scratching at your door. Or perhaps, silently through it.”
“I like that,” Vlad’s disembodied voice wasn’t loud, but not a soul in the theater missed it. “It is sporting to give them warning.”
“So, please,” Chaz smiled around at the audience finally settling on Cyri. “Do sleep tight.”
“I got express shipping.” Mildred was gathering the remnants of the evening’s snacking. Dishes went into the sink for the morning, trash was tossed in the can, and the dog chipped in by taking care of any leftover crumbs. “Our commemorative glasses will be here in two business days.”
“So, in three days?” Hal said.
“I don’t know,” Mildred said. “Sometimes they deliver on Sunday.”
“What glasses? And how much did they cost?”
“Drinking glasses, Hal. And they hardly cost anything.” Mildred wiped her hands on a dishtowel. “They have cute little fangs on them and they say Drain Me. Isn’t that adorable?”
“Maybe we should get a poster.” Hal was thinking of Lola.
“Don’t forget to check the locks,” Mildred said. She called for the beagle to follow and headed for the bedroom.
“Do I ever forget?” Hal was feeling a little regretful about Lola’s death. Lola wouldn’t have nagged him about the locks.
“If you never forgot, I wouldn’t have to remind you,” Mildred said.
“What now? Emily asked. She and Chaz were still on the stage smiling and waving the audience away. The judges had removed themselves from the altar but were somewhere nearby, still able to participate in the conversation.
“Now is whatever you want,” Delia said.
“Home?” Chaz asked.
Emily thought of her apartment. It was part of a small community, working upscale, and it had adequately housed Emily and her belongings for six years. Home seemed anticlimactic, although she did have a neighbor or two who could use a good eating.
“Not there,” Delia said. “Your new home.”
“The Manor is yours,” Chaz said. “Traditionally, the new creature hosts a gathering.”
“The show supplies the virgins,” Delia added.
And They _ _ _ _ _ Happily Ever After.
eah, I tweeted a question and they answered it and even showed my picture.” Cody was talking to his mother who had expressed an overabundance of interest in the fact that his question had been chosen to be read on air. “You didn’t watch it, did you?”
“No,” his mother said. “You know I don’t like things like that.”
She wouldn’t like what he was going to watch next either. He was in the process of fast forwarding to the good part. “Gotta go, mom.” Cody had finally struck gold. Cody’s mother wanted to talk Sunday breakfast followed by church, which was only one of the perils of having a mother who lived too close.
Cody agreed, knowing he would regret it Sunday morning, but he wanted to get off the phone. It was way too awkward masturbating with your mom chattering in your ear.
His mother agreed to hang up just in time, allowing Cody free reign to express his appreciation. Since her death, Portia’s “art” film had been downloaded several hundred thousand times. Cody, who was a purist, had ordered a hard copy, but since his order wouldn’t arrive for two business days, he was getting started with the digital version.
There she was. Ten years younger, twenty times hotter, and rapidly achieving nudity. Cody groaned through his release while Portia cavorted onscreen, immortal in a sense.
“Good season,” said The Voice.
“Definitely,” Little P said with more than a little relief. They were sitting on opposite sides of The Voice’s desk, both with their feet propped up. “There were a lot of tweets about the girl eating the mole.”
“I do like the idea of getting donors who are as unappealing as possible,” The Voice said. “Makes it more fun.”
“We had a homeless donor, too,” Little
P said as though it had been planned. You had to take opportunities for self-promotion as they presented themselves.
“That was good thinking,” The Voice said. “Maybe we can do all homeless next season. Just no one too literate. Donors or contestants.”
“Of course,” Little P said.
“And we’ll need a couple more sluts. This season’s livened things up quite a bit.”
Little P agreed. You could never have too many sluts. “We could have a slut themed shirt,” Little P suggested. “Maybe with fangs?”
The Voice nodded. “Maybe. Speaking of merch, how is the new line of kids’ shirts selling?”
“Like hotcakes,” Little P assured The Voice.
It was near dawn. Emily and Vlad had just polished off the last virgin.
“So, no dramatic falling into the sleep of the dead when the sun comes up?” Emily asked.
“No. That is a superstition based on the belief we are soulless and evil. Creatures that are undone by the light.”
“Sunlight doesn’t hurt us?”
“You will not want a beachfront home,” Vlad said, “but it is manageable. Our skin suffers with prolonged exposure, but we do not burst into flames. The young ones cry they are unable to tan.”
It had at no point occurred to Emily that vampires might share traits with gingers.
“If you wish to lose a day of your immortality, Delia can tell you more.”
“What else?” Emily said. “The drowning thing. Is that true?”
“People drown for want of breath,” Vlad said. “That is not an issue for us.”
“So…?
“So?”
“So, they include things like the drowning, implying it is something that would hurt us, to distract humans from realizing what really will?”
Vlad bowed in acknowledgment.
“Is Chaz going to hunt the girl from the audience?” Emily asked.
“What difference would it make to the state of the world?”
“I think she’s different,” Emily said.
“Different is something that does not work well for humans.”
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