Love Lessons (Love Language Book 2)

by Reese Morrison

  The touch came at his shoulder again, a gentle stroking motion that felt too gentle and made him want to cry.

  He squeezed his eyes closed, but the stroking turned into a light shake, and he finally opened his eyes.

  That’s right. Dustin. Looking entirely too sexy and caring and awake for whatever the fuck time it was.

  That helped him put the pieces together, though. They’d had a fucking epic scene last night, no, two scenes, and now he was experiencing subdrop.

  It was just too damn bad that knowing about it couldn’t do anything to stop it. He hadn’t felt it in a long time, not like he used to the first couple years he got involved in BDSM.

  But when he got it, he always handled it on his own. He went for a walk. Did some baking. Watched rom coms or maybe went to visit his sister and nieces. Took a run and waited for it to be over.

  He wasn’t used to experiencing it with a Dom there. For some reason, everyone always seemed to think it would hit right after a scene, when they applied aftercare. But if he was going to get it, it was always the next day.

  Fuck. He was going to be all weepy today and this was the worst possible time.

  Dustin was still standing over him, looking concerned and sweet. Like a Daddy would. He realized he could even smell… something bread-y. Bagels maybe. Because Dustin/Daddy was taking care of him.

  He hadn’t even had time to process what happened last night. Recognizing himself as a middle had shaken him like an earthquake. The tremors disrupted everything around him, destroying and bringing new layers to the surface, even though the source was buried deep below.

  And the sensory deprivation after that had been transcendent. It was like Dustin had been touching his soul, and he’d never expected it to feel like that.

  It was all too much to take right now. He buried his head in his pillow.

  Dustin stroked his cheek again, his touch almost painful in its softness.

  Landon needed space. He had no idea what was going on or who he was, and having Dustin here right now just felt overwhelming. He couldn’t take those gentle caresses, or he’d end up crying all day and spilling out all sorts of emotions that he didn’t want to share.

  He knew that he should probably say something about what was going on. He definitely should have mentioned it before. But it had been so long since he’d gone through subdrop, and he couldn’t really bear to explain it all now.

  Maybe he could just ask Dustin to leave and then stay in bed all day. Then, they could talk when he’d figured himself out a bit more and wasn’t feeling so moody.

  He finally focused on Dustin, who looked concerned. I tried to wake you up earlier, but you wouldn’t let me wake you up. It’s almost time for the munch, though, and I didn’t think you’d want to miss it.

  Dammit. Landon had forgotten about the munch. He could skip it, but then Dustin would wonder why and want to stay with him. He fought through the weight of the sadness that was cloaking him. It helped to know that it was just a temporary and artificial drop in endorphins and dopamine and all that, but not much.

  Landon forced a smile onto his face. If he couldn’t face things, the only way out was through. Nothing to see here, folks. Just a happy, shiny human going about his day. Thank you. There. That was functional.

  Dustin was still hovering over him, and God, did Landon want to fall into his arms. He wanted to hide there and cry and let Dustin stroke his hair all day. He wanted to let Dustin feed him whatever it was that smelled so good.

  And he knew that Dustin would do it, too. He probably wouldn’t even have to ask for it.

  It felt too vulnerable, though. Last night was play. The morning was different. He always handled subdrop on his own, and especially after yesterday he needed space. I’m going to take a shower now.

  He got up quickly, ignoring his nakedness. Dustin had seen it already, and he didn’t have the energy to care. He was feeling exposed in a way that clothing wouldn’t fix, anyway.

  Dustin laid a hand on his shoulder, pulling him back. Hey, are you OK?

  Yeah. Fine. Just need to take a shower and get to the munch.

  Dustin squinted his eyes, looking him over. Landon tried to project the calm confidence that he usually felt.

  You’re Landon now, right?

  Landon couldn’t respond. The way that Dustin could see that was… fuck.

  He didn’t even know how he looked or acted that differently when he was Landon or Lena, just what it felt like inside. Gender always felt like such a performance to him, but the core of who he was on any given day was just something that he felt.

  He was fucking stunned that Dustin could see it. Especially since he wasn’t wearing a damn stitch of clothing.

  But he didn’t want to give that away, so he just shrugged. Probably.

  That was going to be confusing later, but he couldn’t handle it now. He knew that some people swam through gradients and combinations of genders or none at all, but he was always all male or all female. Nothing in between.

  And it was definitely a Landon day. A regroup and retreat day.

  He walked to the bathroom and Dustin didn’t try to stop him.

  He tried not to think while he was in the shower. He especially tried not to think about Dustin. But it was impossible, because Dustin, Daddy, had placed tender kisses in each of these places.

  And it had been glorious. Truly, the only time he’d ever really lost himself in a scene like that. It had felt so visceral. So stupidly tender.

  And then there was the earlier part of the evening. Did that mean that he was a middle? Or at least that he wanted a Daddy, even if it wasn’t for age play? And if so, how had he not figured it out in the past decade?

  Dustin had seemed to figure it out right away. Or at least been interested in exploring it. Hell, maybe it had nothing to do with Landon at all. Maybe it was Dustin’s kink and Landon had just gotten to come along for the ride.

  That thought froze his chest, even as he finally succumbed and let his eyes drip tears. What if Dustin was trying to figure out if he was a Daddy, but didn’t want to be Landon’s Daddy? What if all of that care and cuddling and fucking comic books was just Dustin trying to figure himself out?

  God, that would fucking suck. Landon knew that Ash, though they joked about it, felt a little unmoored without a Daddy. What if he ended up getting used to Dustin, came to rely on him, and then had to go through the same thing when he moved on? Landon had treasured his independence, and if he gave it up and then had to reconstruct it all again on his own, he felt like it would destroy him.

  Or maybe that was just the subdrop talking. He knew better than to take himself seriously right now. It was a terrible time to make decisions. Or even think about anything important.

  He was just going to go through his morning like usual. Fake it ‘til you make it. And then come home and crash.

  Chapter 14

  Dustin

  Dustin walked Landon to his car, hating that it made the most sense for them to drive to the munch separately.

  Something was wrong, really wrong, and it wasn’t just that Landon was pushing him away.

  He thought he’d done the right thing by letting Landon get more sleep, but now he was regretting not waking him up earlier. He’d let Landon sleep in until ten, even though they’d discussed before that they were both early risers.

  Landon had disappeared into the shower after that. And by the time he came out and got dressed they barely had time to make it to the munch.

  Landon hadn’t even eaten the bagel and fruit he’d made for him. It was probably still sitting on his bedside table, cracks furrowing through the cream cheese as it dried out.

  Dustin walked down the block to his car. He contemplated for a moment just going home. Or better yet, Zhong’s place. He could just call it a day. Give up. Cuddle with Zhong and forget about this whole Dom thing.

  He felt like an imposter. Like if he were a real Dom, he would have done it better. Figured something out. For
ced Landon to talk last night instead of doing another scene.

  Everything he’d tried with Landon had felt like a gamble. He tried to look relaxed and in charge no matter what Landon flung at him, but there were always some points where he was freaking out, worrying that he was pressing too hard or doing something Landon would hate. Worrying that he would send him away.

  It was kind of awful, not at all like he’d expected D/s to be. When they said that the sub was always the one with the power, they sure weren’t fucking around.

  He was constantly recalibrating and second-guessing, trying to figure out what Landon was saying, what Landon actually wanted, and, somewhere in there, what he wanted too. Last night had been a lot, and he was still working through some of it in his head.

  He wasn’t seriously going to go anywhere but the munch though. If Landon was there, that’s where he would be, too.

  He drove mindlessly, letting the GPS tell him when to turn, even when it took him the stupid, shorter way with more traffic.

  Last night had just felt so right. And this morning definitely wasn’t.

  He pulled into the first open spot behind the restaurant, only then thinking that maybe he should have parked next to Landon’s car. Though, that was silly. After this Landon was going over to see his sister and he was going home. Their cars didn’t need to be adjacent.

  He wandered into the now-familiar restaurant, slipping his ear plugs into his ears. Landon, of course, was already hovering over one end of the table, deep in verbal conversation.

  But Ash was sitting somewhere in the middle, signing with a man that Dustin hadn’t met. He pulled out a chair for himself and tossed his sweatshirt over the chair beside him to claim it for Landon.

  He felt a little uncertain doing it, but it wasn’t like he was claiming Landon. Just saving him the seat that he would have probably chosen anyway in the unofficial ASL section of the table.

  He introduced himself to the new guy, who seemed nice enough. His name was Marco and he’d just moved to town, but clearly knew a lot more about BDSM than Dustin. He identified himself immediately as a Daddy, which of course Ash was all over.

  Dustin knew that he should ask Marco some of his questions. Maybe like, is it always this intense? Or, is it weird that I want to have Landon with me every second of the day, and when he isn’t, I want to know where he is? Or, how do I know if I’m doing it right? And especially, what the fuck did I do wrong?

  That last one was probably his job to figure out.

  Dustin didn’t feel comfortable enough to ask for advice, though. At least not in front of Ash and with Landon flitting around the room and sometimes coming back to sit beside him.

  Instead, he just watched Ash flirt with Marco, hoping that Ash might ask some question that would open up the conversation into something he wanted to know. There weren’t a lot of questions, though.

  He learned that Ash was into age play, but, like, the baby age that wouldn’t have fit Landon. And they were into puppy play which was… another thing that he’d need to look up at home. After that, though, Ash stopped playing the comparing kinks game because it was clear that Marco wasn’t interested, and the conversation drifted on.

  He didn’t learn as much about Marco, except that he wasn’t into age play and that, while he was mostly amused by Ash's flirtation, he was also a little exasperated.

  Dustin wasn’t sure if he was hurt or comforted that Ash flirted with everyone, since that’s what Landon seemed to be doing, too.

  It was… unnerving. Worse than the last munch. Because nothing had changed, and everything had changed.

  Last night, Lena had been his rebellious teen sweetheart who covered him with pink lipstick kisses. Landon had given him the power over his very senses. And Dustin had fallen asleep with the scent of Landon’s skin in every breath.

  And now Landon was flirting with someone else, some tiny, elegant woman with perfect posture who no doubt knew more about whips or rope or something than Dustin could ever hope to learn.

  That was the other reason why he wasn’t really participating in the conversation. Because he was watching Landon. Needing to know where he was and what he was doing, even if he was powerless to stop it.

  Landon would laugh and flirt, and then look over at Dustin and wave. But there was something sad under his eyes.

  It made Dustin’s chest hurt.

  It was worse when Landon finally came over to him and sat right down on his lap. Like he belonged there. Like he didn’t even need to ask.

  And God, Dustin wanted that. He wanted Landon to claim him publicly like that. To be so confident in his care that he wouldn’t even have to ask.

  But then, then, Landon started flirting with Marco. Right there in front of him, still sitting on his lap.

  It was like poison running through his veins. Slow and inevitable. Knowing that you were dying and helpless to stop it.

  A waitress came by and dropped off his food, a beautiful, golden omelet with potatoes and salad. It made his stomach turn.

  Landon hopped off his lap and went to go sort out his meal since he’d ordered it from the other end of the table.

  Marco gave Dustin a sad look. Like he understood, though how he possibly could was beyond Dustin’s comprehension. You should tell your boyfriend that you don’t like it when he flirts with other people, he suggested gently.

  He’s not my boyfriend.

  But you want him to be?

  Knowing that Ash was watching all of this avidly, he answered anyway. I don’t think that’s what he wants, so it doesn’t matter.

  He watches you all the time, though. I thought it was a game you two were playing at first.

  Could that be a game? Maybe, if they both agreed on it. If Landon was his. But right now it was unfathomable.

  He watches me?

  All the time, Ash answered while Marco nodded.

  It was something, but not enough. And when Landon turned back to them, holding his plate victoriously with his mouth happy and his eyes pretending not to be sad, it was too much.

  I’m sorry. I have to go. Dustin didn’t say it to Landon. He didn’t really say it to anyone.

  He just said it and left.

  He took out his earplugs as soon as he got outside. Basically so that he could hear Landon running after him, like he’d half thought he would. Even though he didn’t stop.

  “Dustin! Dustin!”

  He walked faster.

  But his key ring got caught on a stupid pen that he had in his pocket, and he couldn’t get the car door unlocked fast enough.

  Then Landon was crashing into him, blocking the door with that goddamn adorable tremble to his lips. Why are you leaving?

  Dustin stepped back, yielding access to his car to put some space between them. Landon was holding Dustin’s sweater, like he gave a shit about something so meaningless right now.

  Why am I leaving? he exploded. What kind of question is that? I woke up in your bed this morning. We shared something last night that, and even if it didn’t mean shit to you because you do it all the time, it was really special to me. Like, the most magical night in my whole life.

  Landon shrunk down in himself, tears dripping from his eyes like icy streams. But not the right tears. Not for the right reasons.

  And this morning you acted like we barely even knew each other. You sat on my lap while you flirted with someone else. I know that you told me this was just practice. Just “lessons.” And I should have said “no.” Because I can’t do it. I don’t know if it’s me, or if it’s, what do they call it? Dom frenzy? Maybe I’m confusing what we do in bed with who we are together. But I don’t think so. And I’m kind of obsessed with you.

  Landon started toward him, hands outstretched, but he batted them away.

  Did you know that I think about you all the time? Not just like remembering things we did or planning what to do next. Like, all the damn time. I want to know when you get home from school and what you eat for dinner and when you go to sl
eep. I want to know where you go on your runs and what movies you watch and when you finish your lesson plans.

  Landon stepped toward him again, but he stepped back, turning in the space between the cars to put more distance between them. He knew he was saying too much. Revealing far, far too much. But he might as well say it. Get it all out and make Landon realize why he couldn’t do any more stupid little “lessons.”

  Because, Landon, because I’m apparently some sort of idiot who wants to be a part of your life, even though I’ve only known you for three months. And worse, I think I want to control a lot of that for you, too. I want to make sure that you know how amazing you are. I want to make you feel safe and cherished. I want to tell you when to do your homework and when to take a break and when to relax, just for me.

  And I know you don’t want that. God, you couldn’t be more clear. But that’s why I’m leaving now.

  He pushed Landon roughly away from the car door and didn’t even catch him when he stumbled.

  The keys, thank God, came easily to his hand this time. And then he was pulling out of the parking lot.

  Landon’s damp face was branded into his brain. Beautiful and miserable and shining with tears, like the light of the world was bouncing off his cheeks.

  Dustin had been right before. Hurting Landon was so much worse than when he’d inadvertently hurt Alan.

  Landon was an exotic bird who needed to be free, and he’d tried to force him into a cage. Now both of them were broken and bleeding, impaled by the sharp wires.

  He should have known that he was only trapping himself.

  Chapter 15

  Landon

  Landon didn’t know how long he stood in the parking lot. He moved out of the parking spaces to lean on a cement pillar and that was as far as he could manage.

  He watched cars come and go. Some of them held people from the munch. Some were strangers. No one seemed to notice him, and that was fine with him.

  He’d gone from devastated to just… nothing. Numb.

  He saw a swirl of color in his peripheral vision, but he didn’t turn toward it or away. Even when it resolved into Ash in green tights, a brown sort of toga dress, and a scarf that looked like it was made of individual leaves. Like some sort of Robin Hood or forest sprite.