Love at First Fight

by Mary Jayne Baker

  Five

  Hattie’s twenty-eighth birthday party was being held that evening at her parents’ home, one of the big Victorian townhouses on top of the cliff that overlooked the sea. Mr and Mrs Leonard were the sort of people who liked to make a fuss of their only child’s birthday.

  Bridie wasn’t really looking forward to it. According to his Tinder profile her final date, Craig, was a chartered accountant with a keen interest in angling, so she wasn’t anticipating much in the way of stimulating conversation. Still, at least after tonight it’d all be over. Already she was picturing the nice, quiet Sunday she’d be having tomorrow, with no need to change out of her pyjamas, put on make-up or spend an hour getting ready for yet another tedious date. No need to move, in fact, from her lovely, snuggly bed.

  Hattie’s birthday bash was a fancy-dress party with a difference: sort of the modern equivalent of a masked ball. Guests could go as anything they wanted so long as their faces were covered, then there’d be a big reveal at 11pm. Bridie was sure there’d be very few surprises when it came time to unmask though. These were small-town folk who for the most part had known each other nearly all their lives; masks or no masks, it was going to be pretty obvious who was who.

  ‘Hi,’ a man said to her when she arrived outside the house, stepping out of the shadows. ‘Bridie, right?’

  ‘That’s me.’ She turned to look at him. ‘And you appear to be… an ogre. Wow. You know, I’ve seen some misleading Tinder photos in my time but…’

  He laughed and pulled off his rubber Shrek mask. ‘Craig. Nice to meet you.’

  ‘You too.’

  She scrunched her eyes closed as he leaned forward to kiss her. Surely a handshake was more appropriate to a first date, wasn’t it? Why did some of them go for the full-on lip lunge right away? Still, at least Craig had kept it confined to her cheek. To be honest, this one seemed like he was probably more awkward than grabby.

  ‘So, um, which Catwoman are you then?’ Craig asked, glancing down at her figure-hugging black leotard.

  ‘One of the Sixties ones, I think. I didn’t have the nerve to go for the full Michelle Pfeiffer PVC.’

  He smiled. ‘Pity, it’d suit you. I mean, not that you don’t look great as you are. I’m not about to start complaining when my date turns up in skintight Lycra.’

  Bridie squinted at him in the light of the little lamps that lined Hattie’s parents’ drive. He actually wasn’t bad-looking, especially when he smiled – a big improvement on his Tinder photo, in which he’d been proudly showing off some unfortunate fish he’d caught. Full, thick hair, green eyes, and his flirting game so far was pretty on point: just the right amount of sexy, without crossing the line into creepy. She couldn’t have actually stumbled on a good one, could she? Maybe the girls had been right. Maybe Fate, with her keen sense of dramatic irony, had been saving the best for last.

  Bridie felt a twinge of irritation at the idea. If Craig was halfway decent, that meant she’d have to make the effort to see him again. Just when she’d been looking forward to a nice, quiet life of duvet days and Netflix boxsets with only her George Clooney cut-out for company.

  Shit, that wasn’t normal, was it? Craig wasn’t awful – at least, not so far. She was supposed to be pleased about that, not annoyed. Forcing herself to return his smile, Bridie fixed on her Catwoman mask and nodded to the door.

  ‘Well, shall we go in?’ she said. ‘We’ll grab a drink, then you can tell me all about yourself.’

  When she and Craig had helped themselves to a cold beer each from an ice bucket in the kitchen, they found a quietish corner where they could talk.

  Bridie glanced around the room, looking for familiar figures under their disguises. She’d been right: it wasn’t hard to tell who was who. She knew Hattie at once, of course, since they’d hired their costumes together. As the birthday girl she had a licence to be the best-dressed person in the room so she was in a huge Regency ballgown with a Marie Antoinette wig, her face covered by an elaborate Venetian-style mask decorated with sequins and feathers. She was chatting with Elastigirl from The Incredibles – Ursula, obviously – and Pete Prince, the landlord of the Garter, who’d gone to no effort at all as Clark Kent. He was in his normal clothes, with an unbuttoned shirt showing a Superman-logo T-shirt underneath, plus a pair of fake glasses that hardly counted as a mask. Meg was here too, in a black tulle skirt and steampunk-style basque with a studded leather mask covering the top of her face. She was standing near the buffet table, getting chatted up by a well-built lad dressed as Spider-Man.

  ‘Some people seem to have gone to a lot of effort,’ Craig observed, rolling up the bottom of his Shrek mask so he could sip his beer. ‘Is there a prize for best costume?’

  ‘I don’t think so. Just the kudos and admiring glances.’ Bridie turned back to face him. ‘So why Shrek then?’

  He shrugged. ‘I had it left over from a mate’s stag do last year. We did a masked bar crawl.’

  She grimaced. ‘Ugh, poor you. Stag and hen dos, is there anything worse?’

  ‘I know what you mean. Still, at least your lot aren’t usually expected to go to strip clubs. Being surrounded by hordes of naked strangers is the kind of thing that sounds great on paper, but it’s torture for us shy boys.’

  ‘Yeah, but you don’t have to wear hats with inflatable willies on them and play hoopla. We women have our crosses to bear too.’ A tall man in school uniform was passing them clutching a couple of drinks, and Bridie reached out to grab his arm. ‘Oi. You.’

  ‘Hiya, Bride. I mean, hiya, mysterious masked stranger.’ Cal nodded to Craig. ‘And hi, Bridie’s date.’

  ‘Craig,’ he said, standing up to shake Cal’s hand. ‘Good to meet you.’

  ‘And you. Glad you both made it.’

  ‘I want a word with you,’ Bridie said, glaring at Cal as Craig sat back down. ‘I’d have brought it up this morning but it seemed only fair to wait until you had some clothes on.’

  ‘Me? What did I do?’

  ‘Did you or did you not…’ She trailed off as her gaze fell on his short trousers, blazer and school tie, topped off with a Zorro-esque black eye mask. ‘Speaking of clothes, Cal, who exactly are you supposed to be tonight?’

  ‘Right now I’m Number Five from The Umbrella Academy. After the unmasking, I think I’ll be either Angus from AC/DC, Wee Jimmy Krankie or one of the Bash Street Kids.’

  ‘All right, Wee Jimmy, then answer me this: did you or did you not tell your brother last night that you’d seen my arse?’

  Cal grimaced. ‘Ben dragged it out of me. Kicking and screaming, I was.’

  ‘You are in so much trouble, Cal Kemp.’

  ‘I don’t know why you’re so coy about it, Bride. He’s seen it, hasn’t he?’

  ‘He’s seen… some of it. I see no reason why that should make it a topic of general conversation down the pub. Where is he anyway?’

  Cal gestured in the direction of Meg and her Spider-Man suitor, who was whispering in her ear while she laughed. ‘Over there.’

  ‘Seriously, he’s at it again?’

  ‘Well, you know what he’s like.’ He nodded to Craig. ‘I’ll leave you both to it. Enjoy your date, guys.’

  ‘Sorry, what was all that about your arse?’ Craig asked when Cal had gone to join his girlfriend.

  ‘Oh, nothing.’

  ‘Did you used to go out with his brother then?’

  ‘Not exactly go out. We had a bit of a fling when we were kids, till Ben buggered it up.’ She cast a dark look at Ben in his Spider-Man suit, practically nibbling Meg’s ear through the spandex while he whispered to her. ‘We’ve all got that one ex, right?’

  Craig laughed. ‘Tell me about it. My ex-wife’s a real piece of work.’

  ‘Go on, how bad?’

  ‘Well, when we split she logged in to my Facebook account and posted a screencap of my recent internet search history.’

  ‘Oof.’ Bridie paused. ‘You know, that’s actually sort of impressive
. I mean, as revenge gambits go.’

  ‘My mum didn’t think so. Jenny tagged her in the post.’ He nodded to her beer bottle. ‘So, you want another?’

  ‘Yeah.’ She smiled. ‘Yeah, that’d be nice. Thanks, Craig.’

  ‘Hi, you,’ Hattie said, beaming at Cal as he came back to join her in his giant schoolboy outfit.

  ‘Hi, miss.’ He bent down to give her a kiss before pressing a drink into her hand.

  ‘Oh God, please don’t call me that,’ she said, laughing. ‘I’d feel like a right perve if you weren’t so enormous.’

  ‘And how’s my beautiful birthday girl? Having fun?’

  She returned his kiss. ‘I am now you’re here.’

  Pete mimed retching at Ursula, who nodded her wholehearted agreement.

  ‘I notice you didn’t get me and Pete a drink, Cal,’ Ursula said.

  He shrugged as he detached himself from Hattie’s lips. ‘I’ll get you guys one when you start sleeping with me.’

  ‘Not worth it,’ Pete observed to Ursula.

  She cocked an eyebrow. ‘You’d know, would you?’

  ‘I’ve got second sight, love. All pub landlords have, it goes with the job.’ He nodded in Bridie’s direction. ‘Who’s young Miss Morgan out with tonight then?’

  ‘He’s called Craig,’ Cal said. ‘He seems relatively normal actually, for one of Bridie’s dates.’

  ‘God, I hope so,’ Hattie said fervently. ‘She really sounded like she meant it this morning when she said she was giving up on dating. I’m relying on Craig to convince her there’s still some decent single lads left in the world.’

  ‘Is your brother here?’ Pete asked Cal.

  Cal smiled drily. ‘If there’s women, there’s my brother. He’s the Batman by the buffet, schmoozing Hattie’s mum.’

  Pete glanced over to the buffet table behind Meg and Spider-Man. A Tim Burton-era Batman was talking to Sandra Leonard, Hattie’s mother, who was dressed up as a Pierrot.

  ‘Oh,’ Ursula said, blinking. ‘I sort of assumed he was the Spider-Man. Who’s Meg getting drooled on by then, if it’s not Ben?’

  ‘Some bloke called Adrian from your school, I think.’

  ‘Seriously, deputy head Adrian? Mr Verges?’ Ursula nudged Hattie. ‘Hey, you know he’s coming on the D of E trip with us? That could be interesting. I thought it was only the kids we’d have to stop from misbehaving.’

  Hattie frowned at them. ‘Can you lot stop giving away who everyone is? The whole idea of this party is that it’s supposed to be a surprise when we all unmask.’

  ‘Sorry.’ Cal slipped an arm around her waist. ‘Not another word, we promise. Although to be fair, it is mostly obvious.’

  ‘Hey,’ Pete said, pushing his Clark Kent glasses up his nose. ‘Master of disguise here, ta.’ He looked from Ben in his Batman costume to where Bridie was chatting with Craig. ‘Are those two ever going to stop kidding themselves, do you reckon?’

  ‘What, Bridie and Ben?’ Ursula said. ‘How do you mean?’

  ‘Well, you don’t need the psychic ability of a bartender to see what’s behind the constant bickering. You could cut the sexual tension between that pair with a lemon slicer.’

  ‘You really think so?’

  ‘Absolutely. It’s like when you ping the bra strap of the lass you like at school to show her you fancy her. At least, that’s the way we did it back in my day.’ He shook his head. ‘God, ten years’ worth as well. That’ll be one hell of an explosive shag when they finally give in to it.’

  ‘Nah, surely not. She hates him, she’s always on about it.’ Ursula glanced at Hattie. ‘She does, doesn’t she?’

  ‘Hmm. To be honest, I’m tempted to side with Pete – when it comes to Bridie anyway,’ Hattie said. ‘She’ll swear herself blue that men are a waste of time, and not one of them worse than Ben Kemp, but she’ll still talk your ear off about him any opportunity she gets. A bit of the lady protesting too much, it seems to me.’ She took a sip of her beer. ‘Plus you should’ve seen what a good mood she was in this morning after she bumped into Ben at the pub last night. I reckon she missed him a lot more while he was away than she’s letting on.’

  ‘Didn’t he dump her when they were at school or something?’

  ‘He stood her up for a date at their leavers’ ball,’ Cal said, glancing over at Bridie. ‘Not sure why. Ben’s always liked girls a bit more than was good for him but he’s not usually a cad about it.’

  ‘I heard there was more to it than just him not showing up.’ Hattie lowered her voice. ‘This is top secret, you guys, so don’t spread it around, but I’m told Bridie had a deal with Ben to lose her virginity to him the night of their sixth-form ball. She bought special pants and everything. I know it was a long time ago, but that’s the sort of humiliation that stays with you.’

  ‘I never knew that.’ Cal looked at his brother, who was helping himself to a plate of food from the buffet. ‘In that case, it was even more out of character. Our Ben ducking out when he knew he was on a promise.’

  ‘Maybe he got another offer.’

  ‘He didn’t. Our dad was due to drive him over, Ben was all dressed up in his hired dinner suit, then at the last minute he refused to go and shut himself up in his room all night playing computer games. Mum was really worried about him, I remember her stressing.’

  ‘Why do you think he did it?’

  ‘He told me he got cold feet when he thought Bridie might be getting serious about him,’ Cal said absently, his gaze still fixed on Ben. ‘You know, I’ve always thought he liked her a lot more than he ever admitted at the time. Too worried about trying to uphold his reputation as the school stud, I think.’

  ‘Yeah, and he still does,’ Pete said. ‘Come on, am I right or am I right?’

  Hattie looked up at Cal. ‘What do you think? I’m convinced Bridie still fancies him, whatever she says.’

  ‘Well, I’ll answer for my guy if you’ll answer for yours. It’s occurred to me before that the reason my brother’s never done relationships is that he’s in denial about his long-standing monster crush on Bridie Morgan.’

  ‘Oh my God, that’s so sad,’ Ursula said in a sober tone. ‘Poor Bridie. Still nursing a broken heart after all these years, and never knowing Ben feels the same way about her.’

  Cal laughed. ‘Don’t let the pair of them hear you talking like that. They’ll scoff you into the middle of next week.’

  ‘Honestly though, it’s tragic, isn’t it? Bridie’s about to commit to a life on her own and Ben’s going to spend his days having empty sex with strangers, all because they’re too proud to admit how they feel about each other. I could just cry about it.’

  ‘I never had you down for a sentimental drunk, Urs,’ Hattie said.

  She shrugged. ‘It’s sad, that’s all. I don’t mind admitting I’m a sucker for a happily-ever-after.’

  ‘All right, then let’s do something about it,’ Pete said.

  Cal frowned. ‘About Bridie and Ben? Such as what?’

  ‘There must be something we can do. I’ve been serving you lot since I was still pretending to let you kid me with those crap fake IDs, and I’ve known for a good decade that those two are their own worst enemies. I’m not averse to dishing out some happily-ever-afters if I can.’

  ‘Well, all right, me neither. I’d love to see my brother happily settled, and if it isn’t with Bridie then I can’t see it being with anyone else. How would we do it though?’

  ‘I’ve got an idea,’ Hattie said in a low voice.

  They huddled closer. ‘Go on,’ Cal said.

  ‘OK. So Bridie resents Ben because he humiliated her when they were kids and then never acknowledged it, right?’

  ‘Right. And?’

  ‘And then he spent the next decade sleeping his way around most of the women we know, basically rubbing salt in the wound. She’s convinced he’s got no romantic interest in her and so she’s afraid to make herself vulnerable by admitting she has in him. She just pu
ts up this shell of cynicism and sark.’

  ‘I know she does. I just don’t see what we can do about that.’

  ‘Bridie needs to know how he really feels about her, don’t you see?’ Hattie’s eyes sparkled as she glanced from one of them to the other. ‘See his softer side – all those feelings he’s been hiding from her all this time.’

  ‘She’ll never believe us though, and Ben’s hardly going to tell her,’ Pete said. ‘He’s as bad as she is.’

  ‘Yeah, because he thinks she hates him and so he’s afraid to let his guard down with her. They’re trapped in this stupid emotional catch-22.’

  Cal rubbed his face with his palms. ‘God, I feel like I’ve accidentally wandered into a psychology lecture. Where are you headed with this, Hat? We’re going round in circles here.’

  ‘Exactly, and so are Bridie and Ben. She’s afraid to show her feelings to him; he’s afraid to show his to her. Each of them is convinced the other feels nothing so they lock their own feelings away to avoid being hurt, retreating into denial mode. But if one of them believed the other did have those feelings – I mean, if we could make them believe it – they’d know it was OK to drop their defences. That’s how we break the circle.’

  ‘But it’s like you just said. Neither of them are going to admit their feelings for as long as they think the other one doesn’t have any.’

  ‘Which is why we need to convince them the other does have them, using all the deviousness at our disposal. Because that’s what good friends do, right?’ Hattie lowered her voice. ‘OK, listen up, you guys. I’ve got a plan.’

  Six

  ‘…and this was us in the Maldives on our honeymoon,’ Craig said, showing Bridie the next photo in the album on his phone. ‘That was Jenny’s choice. I wanted to go to the Galapagos Islands. Typically she pulled the spoiled brat act and got her own way.’