35
Everett
My hands rotate around the steering wheel as I pull onto the gravel road.
I feel Kennedy’s eyes on me, and I know she’s questioning where I’m taking her. We’re probably not in the best of places in our relationship for me to take her out into the woods, but I want to have this conversation out here.
When Kennedy took my hand back on the Everdeen campus, I wanted to shake my head. Because she can’t know, that’s always been the rule. I’ve already said too much. And yet …
I’m ready to tell her. To get this fucking gorilla of a secret off my chest. To not carry it as my cross to bear anymore. Even if someone else tries to come for me, for us, at least there will be nothing between us any longer.
“Where are we going?” she finally asks, after being silent most of the car ride.
“You’ll see in a second,” I tell her as the car winds down the unpaved path.
I found this spot when I was out driving around one day, having been fed up with the fraternity house and needing silence. We come to the end of the path, and the trees open up to the shore of a lake, surrounded by mountains.
“Wow.” She breathes, looking around.
“Yeah. I found it one day when I wasn’t even looking for it. I think it must be used as a fishing spot, but I’ve never seen anyone out here. Come on.”
I grab a blanket from the back and Kennedy follows me down to the shore, where the water laps a few yards away. Spreading it out, I sit and she thankfully sits beside me. A hush of silence falls over us as we watch the water, and I know I should just jump right into it. Gulping in a deep breath and steeling my heart, I start.
“I was being trained for a very special sect of the Marines. As a black ops soldier, the kind of guys who do things so fucking evil, they probably aren’t legal under any international law. I was hesitant going in, after all, I was only a rookie compared to most of the guys. But my sniper shooting couldn’t be matched, and I have a thing for maps.”
Kennedy interrupts, her observation invading the moment. “I remember when you drew that insane senior treasure hunt for your grade.”
The memory makes me smile. “That was some of my best work. Anyway, they were training me. The missions were top secret and fucking crazy. I can’t go into much detail, but I never thought I would be doing some of the things I was doing. The base camp I was stationed at, it was near a village. As a soldier, I still had to do regular sweeps of the area, along with my training. You get to know the people. They bring you food, the kids want to play sports with you, and a lot of them are happy to have the protection. They fear for their lives against the terrorist organizations and militia that run rampant in the areas. I became close to them, which in hindsight was a terrible mistake but it’s hard not to.”
I feel her leaning in, listening to every word, but I don’t dare look at her.
“I got the orders that we were going on a mission. That explosive materials had been dropped in and we were to bomb the village our base camp was situated near.”
Kennedy gasps, and I can see her hand fly up to cover her mouth.
“There was intel of an underground terrorist cell operating in the village, one that we’d missed had the potential to cause catastrophic damage. So we were ordered to take it out. Everyone in the village. No warning. It was off the books, obviously Americans would go apeshit if they knew we were murdering innocent women and children, even if it was for the greater good. I just … I couldn’t go through with it. These were people I’d laughed with, who attempted to teach me the language, I played ball with the sons and daughters. I couldn’t do it, Kennedy. So, in the middle of the night, about twelve hours before the mission was set to go down, I snuck out to the HMX—the explosive materials. I thought if I could move it, or hide, or hell, I had no plan other than to save those people’s lives. But I ended up making too much noise, at one point I thought I’d activated one and that it would explode, I don’t know what happened. Next thing I know, I’m discovered by enemy forces, so I guess there was a cell operating in the village. They threw a bag over my head, and I assume they took the HMX with them because next thing I know, I wake up in a hole in the ground and I’m being tortured as to what it was supposed to be used for.”
I’m silent after that, thinking about the whole situation. “I’m the reason I was a prisoner of war. It was my own fault. And I put valuable American war materials in the hands of dangerous people.”
“You saved the lives of those villagers.” Kennedy shakes her head when I finally look at her.
“I betrayed my country.” I let my head fall, picking at the strands of the blanket we sit on.
Two of her fingers come up under my chin, pushing upward until our eyes are just inches apart. “You are a hero. You followed what your gut told you was the right thing to do, and you saved those people.”
Hope flutters through my heart. “You aren’t ashamed of me?”
“How could I be ashamed of the type of man who would go against an order to save innocent lives?” She looks so sincere, I could cry.
“It’s something I struggle with every day.” I break down, all vulnerability on the line now. “Did I do the right thing? What did that terrorist cell end up doing with the explosives? I might have saved those people, but look what happened to me. And then, my own government tried to turn against me.”
“What?” Kennedy asks, confused.
I grasp her fingers from my chin and lace our hands together on the blanket. I can’t stand not touching her any longer.
“The reason I left was because days prior, two Marines showed up at my door while you were at school. They were from the investigations division, had all of these questions about why I was by the HMX that night, tried to poke holes in my story. They know I’m lying. Still do, even though it’s dismissed because this country doesn’t want to admit what it was about to do. I didn’t want you caught up in all of it. If anyone came after me, be it this country or someone else I’d never forgive myself if you were hurt in the process. I care too much about you. That’s why I left. Why I couldn’t tell you. Why I had to pretend like I wasn’t cutting out my own heart.”
Her eyes harden for a second. I know it’s a lot to digest, but everything I have hangs on this moment.
“How do I know you’re not just saying all of this? That you would have eventually come back for me? That you actually do feel the same?” There is so much fear in her eyes.
I pull the envelope from my sweatshirt, and hand it over. “There is nothing I can say to make you believe me. So I guess you’ll just have to see for yourself.
Kennedy examines the envelope, looks at the red stamp blaring on the front of it. I know that as she slices it open and removes the letter, she sees the date at the top. Three days before I was taken.
Kennedy,
This letter is going to be short, so I apologize. Something is happening, and I can’t say more. But I wanted to say something before it did.
I love you. I’ve loved you from the moment I saw you skin your knee on your bike when you were six years old. I’ve been an idiot, waiting this long and never daring to tell you how I felt in person, but here it is.
Wait for me. I’m coming home for you.
-Everett
Kennedy blinks up at me, wonder and emotion in her eyes.
I shrug, squeeze her hand. “It looks like we both had the same idea. That we needed to leave no big words left unsaid. It just it took a while for those words to get to each other.”
“You felt this way all along.” She breathes, her eyes searching mine.
“I’ve loved you from the very start.” I nod.
“And I love you,” she returns.
It’s that simple. All the cards are out on the table, and in the end, we want to be together.
I’m done with waiting. My hands reach for her at the same time Kennedy leans in, and my fingers run through her wavy tendrils at the exact moment our lips meet.
Finally, Kennedy has mixed her light with my dark, and it feels right for the first time in forever.
36
Everett
“So, tell me about the last month.”
Dr. Liu sits across from me in her office, and I marvel at just how much more comfortable I am in here than I was the first time I came for a visit.
And not just in here, but in life. Since I shared the whole story with Kennedy, since we talked about how I left and everything we’d been holding back from each other, I’ve felt lighter. With the military off my back, and the investigation settled, I could really throw myself into healing, into therapy. Don’t get me wrong, there are still demons every week, sometimes daily, but with the support around me and with Dr. Liu’s help, I’ve learned how to cope better.
“Well, you know I’ve been helping Kennedy through the whole college thing.”
A couple days after I packed up my stuff, left the fraternity house, and moved back to Brentwick with my parents, Kennedy told me about not getting into her top choice college.
“How has she been taking it?” Dr. Liu asks.
“At first, not well. She was really upset, kept saying that she’d worked so hard, and how could someone who did all the right things not get in. But we talked it through. She has three other really great choices. And if anything, it’s kind of a dose of reality she needed. Not that I’d ever say it to her face. But life isn’t perfect, it isn’t meant to be. I keep telling her that it’s messy, and there could be another choice or plan down the road that involves going to a different school that she might never have considered had she got in.”
Dr. Liu looks impressed. “That’s very astute of you. And a great way to lift her spirits.”
“I’m just trying to be there for her. She stood by me, when she didn’t have to, through a lot of crap. She’s going to do incredible anywhere she goes, so it’s just a matter of being there for her to figure it out.”
As for me, college isn’t my thing. I learned that much while staying with Graden. And even though I attended my community courses for a minute there, school is over for me. I want to jump into something and learn hands on. I can’t sit in a classroom anymore.
“And your relationship, it’s good?”
“Great, actually.” I don’t feel like going into any more detail than that.
But, it’s been better than ever. I feel like I can finally let my guard down with Kennedy. Like we’re the best friends you’re supposed to be as boyfriend and girlfriend. She is the person I feel most comfortable with, the one I want to experience everything with. Last weekend, we drove two hours to a shore town that was just opening its shop doors for the spring. Before that, we had a cooking competition night with her parents, where we beat them in a lasagna cook off and cupcake bakeoff. Kennedy came to my grandparent’s house for Easter, and I have a plan to ask her to prom in the works.
“I got a job offer the other day.” I bring it up out of the blue, though it’s the thing that has most been on my mind.
“Oh?” She sounds interested, but in typical Dr. Liu fashion, she’s going to let me talk out the decision.
I nod. “Director of Town Athletics for Brentwick. The pay is good, I’d get to work in sports, which I love. Get to oversee the little league and travel soccer clubs, that sort of thing.”
“Sounds like a good fit for you,” she comments.
“But …” I start, and I see Dr. Liu grin, like she knew I’d say that. “I’m not sure I want to stay in Brentwick. Now that I’m clear of the investigation, and things are good with Kennedy, with my parents, I’m not sure I want to stay here. Maybe I’ll follow Kennedy. Maybe I’ll check out a different state for a while. And I’m not sure that it’s the job for me. It’s probably a lot of paperwork and dealing with headaches, rather than hands-on.”
“If it doesn’t feel one hundred percent like a yes when you initially think about it, then maybe taking some space from it is good,” Dr. Liu says, giving me that thought to chew over.
She’s right. If something in my life doesn’t strike me as an absolute yes, I should wait for the thing that does.
37
Everett
The box of donuts I’m carrying is so tempting, I’m about to sneak my hand inside and grab one.
“I know that look. Don’t you dare.” Kennedy wags a finger at me as she hops off the stool she’s sitting on.
It’s become a ritual over the last few weeks that I bring her and the EMT crew a box of fresh cider donuts when she’s working a shift. I set them down on the table as she and the other three EMTs on shift swarm around the box and then snag my girl by the waist.
“You have to pay the entry fee,” I tell her, before bringing my mouth down over hers.
Kennedy sighs and leans into me, and she lets the kiss go as far as me slipping my tongue past her lips, before pushing off my chest.
“Entry fee for donuts? That isn’t even a thing.” She rolls her eyes.
Nicholas, one of the other EMTs, chuckles. “Unless there is a fee for being horny. Because Everett is definitely that.”
I shoot the bird while Kennedy, and her boss, Judy, have their backs turned. But he’s not wrong. I am a horny bastard. Each time I’m around Kennedy, I just can’t help myself. Over the past month, we’ve definitely gotten reacquainted with each other in a bodily sense, and my cock is so aware around her that I can barely leave the house without a semi.
They’re all munching away on donuts when the radio crackles, calling in a bunch of codes I can’t even begin to comprehend.
“It’s from the local sports complex. A kid collapsed while playing basketball. We need to move,” Judy tells them, already swinging her gear into the truck.
Damn, they’re all so fast. Everyone buzzes around, grabbing medical supplies, bags, and gear. The truck is loaded in two minutes flat, while the team speaks in code to each other. I’m left standing there, feeling the infectious energy moving around but unable to translate it all.
Kennedy appears in front of me. “We have to go to this call. I’m sorry babe, I don’t know how long it will take or when I’ll be back. I love you.”
She leans up and presses a kiss to my lips, but I grab her hand just as she goes to turn, Judy summoning her into the back of the ambulance.
“Let me come with you. I want to see.” I know my voice sounds desperate.
But in the last few seconds, it’s the first time I’ve felt the familiar rush that speaks deeply to my soul.
Kennedy looks to Judy, who takes a split second to decide. Her face assesses me, then snaps to seriousness.
“You come, observe. Don’t get in the way, and don’t try to help. You’re not licensed and I shouldn’t even be doing this, but as former military, you might be of help. Get in.”
Kennedy pulls me in as I jump up, and off we go.
The sirens racing above my head only serve to spread a calmness over my heart. This is what I know. The hectic chaos of trouble, of battle. I know the fear that channels into precision focus. I know the ins and outs of navigating trauma.
Judy goes over protocol and I dial in, trying my best to understand what the rest of the EMTs already know second hand.
And in what feels like exactly one minute, we’re arriving at the sports complex. It’s a place I’ve been numerous times over the years, whether it was for recreation league soccer or indoor practices for football in the winter during high school.
“Don’t get in the way,” Judy scolds me one last time as the back of the ambulance flies open and everyone descends.
I follow, keeping a close distance but careful not to ruin their flow. When we step inside, a frantic parent directs us to which court the kid collapsed on. Everyone is hushed and standing when we get into the arena, trying to see if the kid is breathing.
Judy takes point, hustling over to the seven- or eight-year
-old kid in his baggy basketball uniform. He’s lying on the floor, unmoving, and I can tell his face is starting to turn blue. Kennedy bends down, removing several items from her kit, when Judy whispers to the team.
“He’s not breathing, we’re going to have to shock him. Kennedy, start compressions while I get the AED set up.”
Kennedy doesn’t hesitate, and I watch my girlfriend perform perfect CPR on him. She is relentless and concentrated. At this moment, I’m so in awe of her. I usually am anyway, but I’ve never seen her in action on the job, and it’s a rare treat that I get to be here now.
But something else is wriggling free in my chest. A sense of belonging. Of purpose. I thrive in this chaos.
Judy finally has the AED up and running, and as she attaches the patches of electricity to his chest, I anticipate the next few moments.
They send an electric shock to his heart, and it’s like they’re waking me up, too.
To what I’ve been missing. To what I crave.
When the kid finally comes to, heaving out a breath, it feels like I’m breathing for the first time in months.
I watch as Kennedy and the other EMTs strap him to a back board, and load him onto the stretcher. They check his vitals, talk to him.
By the time we make it out to the ambulance, I have my answer.
And it’s one thousand percent a yes.
38
Kennedy
Friday nights look a lot different than they used to.
Before, I would have met up with my best friends to troll the parties in the area, or find something remotely amusing to do. I’d act as fifth wheel while they made out with their boyfriends. Or, I’d beg off plans and stay in my room reading or binging Gilmore Girls.
Now, I spend it with Everett, mostly. He takes me out for pizza, or hot wings during half-price appetizers. Sometimes we meet up with my friends, or have dinner with one set of our parents.
Hometown Heartless Page 17