Phillip was a strong man. He radiated it and everyone he communicated with could feel it. I didn’t know him well or long, but I knew well this type of people. People who don’t give up easily, who always know what they want and work hard to get it. People who understand their strength and influence on the others and use it. All. The. Time. He was one of them. To him everyone was prey, especially women.
I don’t know what was happening between us and how this tantalizing desire even began. But we both felt it. What surprised both me and him was my reaction. Yes, I’ve always been strong and independent, and I dare say I have my way with words. I have put an arrogant man in his place more than once. Men who didn’t know how to treat a lady and who thought they could do anything. Phillip was cocky around me, arrogant, basic. All the feelings he brought up in me too. And yesterday, we were one step away from grabbing each other right where we were – in the middle of a hall, among dozens of people. The moment I challenged him, the moment he saw in my eyes the same desire and readiness to be in his arms, Phillip was surprised but not worried. On the contrary, he was ready to tear me to pieces. I don’t think anything would have stopped him at that moment – neither the eyes of people around us, nor my protests, if there were to be any at all. Luckily, or unfortunately, that’s the moment the dance show reached its climax and all dancers were standing there, waiting for me to go on stage. That’s the moment when my name sounded from all the speakers, a spotlight illuminated me, and I was officially invited to wrap up the evening.
I don’t know how I managed to escape the trance I was in, but with the little remaining sense I had I managed to pull myself away from the electric sexual space between me and Phillip and I went on stage. I have no idea what I said. I don’t remember. I was stunned. Breathless. Mind-blown. I don’t have the slightest clue what I said because I didn’t want to be on that stage. I didn’t want to talk at all. I wanted to do other things with my lips. I wanted to be ripped apart. My eyes were sparkling and looking for him, but he was gone. So typical of him. I invited the guests to enjoy the fireworks display we had organized as the perfect finish to this fervent, passionate, stunning dance fashion show and the whole evening after that passed by me, as if I were unconscious. I spoke to so many people, I received congratulations, TV-show invitations. I even gave a few interviews. I hope I didn’t look to stupid, because my mind was somewhere else. I was looking around. Everywhere. He was nowhere in sight. He was gone. Only when Danny came to congratulate me did I find out he had invited him himself, using Lilly’s invitation, since she couldn’t come, and that even he couldn’t find him and didn’t know when he left.
That’s what Phillip was. Surprising. Unpredictable. I was expecting him to be somewhere around when people were leaving. I was expecting him to turn up somewhere near my apartment, although I knew very well he had no idea where I lived. I was expecting him to give me a call. He could have taken my phone number from Danny. Or at least write to me on Facebook. I was expecting him to find some way of carrying out his threat. This threat that had taken over my conscience and nothing else seemed to matter. I can’t believe one single sentence from a complete stranger could take my attention away from the adrenaline and excitement of the MyMegan event itself. The one event that had taken over my life for the past few months and that I had waited for with such a thrill. Well, I tried to sleep, but I could only imagine his strong arms all over my body once I shut my eyes. And that went on all night long.
When I woke up after the few hours of sleep, sometime at dawn, I was slightly calmer. The adrenaline from the previous night had diminished and my sanity was coming back to me. I don’t know what that man did to me, but I knew that around him, I lost all control. I lost control over myself, over my thoughts, my emotions, my actions. I came far out of my comfort zone. Yes, letting go of control is freedom. But you learn how to do it. And I wasn’t ready to do it yet. Not with him. He was dangerous for me. I didn’t know how far I could go. And that definitely scared me.
Chapter 6
He didn’t contact me. Nor the next day. Nor the day after. He disappeared. I must be honest though, I think I was slightly glad. Sure, I was disappointed after what I felt the night of the show, I saw he wanted me no less. There was a certain period during which I imagined what he would do to me, what I would do to him. My disappointment came from the fact that none of my fantasies seemed likely to become reality. But I think I was actually glad. I was calm. Every time I started thinking about it, I got mad because I couldn’t decide. I couldn’t decide for myself. Do I want him, or does he scare me too much? Am I ready to dive into this game, or do I prefer to stay on the safe side? I didn’t know what I wanted, and I didn’t like it. I’m not the type of person who can’t make a decision. On the contrary, I’m a rational person, a good analyzer with strong intuition that I listen to and I can easily see the pros and cons before I make the call. I have had some situations where I made a choice and then changed it, but the truth is I make decisions easily. Quickly and easily.
This time I was in a dilemma. This annoyed me so much. I wanted to decide based on my desires, not let my decisions be made by him or be influenced by his actions. Because even now with him gone, without a single trace, I still didn’t know whether I should be happy or mad.
Three weeks had passed since the show, which had been a phenomenal success. Media coverage was even greater than we had foreseen, in a country as small as Bulgaria, news travels fast. The hotel instantly made it big, the event was well appreciated. MyMegan was already a loved brand. Things developed so fast. It was interesting that investors showed up wanting to buy the brand, i.e. me. But I did it for the pleasure, not for the business. I didn’t blink when I cut them off. However, I used the opportunity to point out to my bosses how successful their deal was when they decided to back me up.
Three weeks had passed, and I was getting back to my normal rhythm of life. I was getting back the balance I made a priority in my life, which I had slightly neglected with the launch of MM and organizing the event. It’s not easy to avoid overworking yourself when you’ve got so many things happening, but the truth is when one desires something, and sets it as a goal, no matter what it is, if one is purposeful and persistent, things always work out. Even if it’s about moderating work.
Throughout these three weeks the only thing I heard about Phillip was that he had gone back to America with his PR – “girlfriend”. Danny told me she was no girlfriend at all (just as I thought), because Phillip was as professional as he seemed and would not mix personal and professional relationships. Danny had no idea when he was supposed to be back in Bulgaria. He himself was overwhelmed with all the work he was under. The projects meant starting the hotel chain in Bulgaria as soon as he got a green light and Daniel was doing everything.
No, I don’t know whether I was disappointed or relieved and glad, but I know for sure that the more time passed, the more I distanced myself from the emotions this person brought up in me and I started feeling more like myself. Again. Balanced. Confident. Determined. The more time passed, the more I was surprised by what had happened. I was surprised that I couldn’t control myself around this man, I couldn’t control my emotions, my thoughts, my actions. I was surprised that I was acting like a teenage girl with no experience with men. I was also surprised about what could have happened that night, had they not called me up on stage.
I’m not the type of girl to go to bed with a guy on the first date or even have any one-night stands. Sure, I’ve got experience in that, but I can’t say it’s good. Nowadays it’s more widespread among men and women. I don’t know whether it’s because of the lack of time. Or maybe we reject the idea of complex relationships. Why when there’s only sex things are simple. But when feelings are included, things get so much more complicated. We lose all capability of handling feelings. We keep reading books about emotional intelligence and we hardly manage that part. Yes, that’s more difficult and more and more people seem to try to avoid it. Successfu
lly.
Well I’m not like them. I can’t say I managed the emotional side of my relationships. On the contrary, I had fears and barriers I had to overcome. But I never chose the easier way. That’s why I avoid men who want only sex. Men who want sex straight away too. I’ve had relationships like that but, as I said, they were hollow, empty, superficial. For all these reasons, they were short. At that point in my life I already knew what I wanted. I wanted the relationship and partnership with a man to mean more than satisfying basic needs. A relationship should help me develop. I should be able to learn from it. Relationships based on sex have nothing to teach us, they have nothing to give us. They only help relieve yourself of the everyday pressure and that’s it. I’d already learned that lesson. And most of the time men feel the relief; women rarely do. Women often feel emptiness, even when looking for that type of a relationship. We, women, are much more emotional, after all.
Yes, I was not only surprised, but shocked at what could have happened the other night with Phillip. It was one of those rare moments when I couldn’t resist the attraction and I would have left myself all in his hands. I am a strong woman. And I’m good at standing my ground, especially when it’s as solid as mine was when it comes to sex. But this man changed my perception of everything and sex was just another thing. If they hadn’t called for me on stage, I would have done everything to him. Everything he wanted from me. And I wouldn’t have thought a split second about it. I was about to give myself all in to him, no prejudice, no questions. I was going to fulfill all his basic desires. But, as I like to say, there’s nothing accidental. I didn’t know yet why I had such strong feelings every time I was around him. So strong I couldn’t control them. I couldn’t see yet what my lesson was from seeing him. But I knew I saved myself that night. What from? I don’t know.
Three weeks later, three weeks during which I had no contact with Phillip, I started gathering some self-confidence that I could handle a future meeting. But Bulgaria, as small as it is, is sometimes too big for two. Although it turned out that my best friend was also his best friend, we might never get to see each other again. Phillip was obviously not interested in contacting me and I didn’t want to make a move, not yet. At that moment, those three weeks when I heard nothing of him suited me perfectly.
Autumn was at its peak and although it was a rainy season, the coming weekend was supposed to be calm, warm, and sunny. Maybe one of the last warm weekends of the year. I had decided to go back to my grandparents’ village. That’s where I really feel at home. I love that village. I feel such strong energies there. I recharge my battery.
The village is in the foothills of the Balkans. Lovely. Little. Abandoned. Just like most villages in Bulgaria. Out of the hundred houses that were inhabited, there were people in only ten–twenty. Two or three of them are inhabited by fifty–sixty-year-old families. All the others only had one granny or grandpa in them. In our house we have a granny. A granny who still fights with life and doesn’t seem to want to give up yet. She takes care of the entire house and the entire garden, which isn’t small at all, all by herself. She still has livestock and a garden with vegetables and flowers. Every day she has work to do around the house and the garden. Yes, work never ends in the village.
I love going back to the village. I love the smell of the forest. The moist, saturated forest air. I love the green grass. It has nothing in common with the green in the city, not even in the parks. I love the sounds back in the village – the birds singing, the crickets chirping at night, waking up with the crowing of the cockerels, the sheep bleating, the cows ruminating. I love lying in the fields and feeling the forest flowers caressing my face. I love listening to the silence. So profound and calming. We have a reservoir in the vicinity of my village. Small, but very beautiful. I love going there. It takes about ten minutes to get there from the house. I love gazing at the water – sweet, spectacular, dangerously pretty. The dam is surrounded by the forest, there’s only a road on one side. There’s rarely even anybody there, usually just fishermen, calmly and patiently waiting to catch something. When we were little, my whole family would go there and swim. That’s one of the greatest memories I have from the village. We used old truck tires as boats and we’d make up all sorts of crazy fun and games. Sometimes we’d go fishing with fishing rods made of sticks and cord. Sometimes we’d explore the forest around the dam, picking mushrooms and forest fruits. That was the best childhood – we’d run free and embrace our childhood fantasies.
We spent many summers in the village. We went all round the area numerous times. We knew every house, every drinking fountain, every field, and every wood. And now, going back to the village, passing by one of those places, I dive back into my childhood memories. Lively memories, beautiful and colorful. Memories of games, challenges, and discoveries.
I love going back to my village. I feel whole there. Free. Really breathing. Although the sound of people is less, the houses keep falling apart and there are almost no animals left, because there’s no one left to take care of them, I still love going to the village.
I hadn’t been there in a long time. The whole summer passed by with the new challenges I had made for myself, in executing projects and working on the MyMegan launch concept. I didn’t have any time left to go to the village, to relax, to feel free, to rest. After the official launch of MyMegan, I decided I could embrace a well-deserved break. Just there. I needed a holiday like that. In the village. With my grandma.
It was a Friday evening when I decided to go to the countryside. And, although the forecasts offered hope for sun, it didn’t stop raining all day, I packed my bags and left.
I love driving. I love it most when I’m alone. I can listen to whatever music I like. Quietly or loudly. I can sing my heart out, shout through the window, drive with the windows open so the wind can blow in my hair or just remain silent and sink in my own thoughts and reflections. I don’t like driving fast. On the contrary. To me, driving is not just getting from point A to point B. It’s a journey. A journey where I can enjoy everything on the road. Especially during this time of the year when everything is so colorful and pretty.
The colors of the mountain changed from dark green to yellow, orange and red, and made an image that filled the senses. I drove slowly and looked out the window often. I smiled.
All of a sudden, I felt the urge to stop the car and get out. There wasn’t a lot of traffic, so I pulled over. The air was moist, filled with the scent of the forest. It wasn’t raining, it felt more like drizzle. I wasn’t carrying an umbrella with me, I didn’t have a hood, but even if I had done, I wouldn’t have used it. It felt wonderful, the little raindrops on my face. I thought how few were the moments when we could stop and enjoy the raindrops falling on our skin. We always worry about our hair, our clothes, about getting sick… And the feeling of a cold drop on warm skin is unique. I looked up and closed my eyes. I spread my arms open and embraced the feeling. The feeling of freedom, humility, acceptance, gratitude. The feeling of living in the moment.
I looked around me and what I saw left me breathless. The view was heavenly. I had stopped at the foot of the mountain. It looked wild and at the same time naturally in order. It was enchanting. Captivating. Yet another one of those moments that make me think how little we humans actually are. How mighty nature is. And that the only thing we have the right to do is to admire it and be grateful for it. The view really was astonishing. And I was infinitely happy for having stopped just there. Before me rose a whole panorama of colors, bright and saturated. I took in everything around me. I breathed my heart wide open. And I filled myself with energy. Energy from the view, from the atmosphere, from the reality in this sole moment which seemed to last forever.
I’ve been all over the world, but Bulgaria is one of the most beautiful places. The nature we have in this small territory is amazing, we should worship it. I love traveling, visiting new places and learning new and interesting things about different places and people. But the feeling of co
ming back to Bulgaria, traveling around Bulgaria, whenever I have the chance to relax and see Bulgaria, moments just like this, this feeling is unique.
I set off again. I was almost there, just a few minutes later I saw the village sign. I turned off and let myself be guided by all the memories from my childhood and all the emotions they were filled with. When I got to the house it had stopped raining and the sky was clearing. I went in and saw my grandma sitting on the porch, waiting. We rarely managed to visit her and for her, having us there was a holiday. She was very happy to see me; we sat down for lunch and to catch up. Just a grandma and a granddaughter.
The rest of the day passed by slowly, calmly and filled with memories and nice feelings. After sundown I took a big blanket, sat on the swing in the garden, snuggled in the blanket and gazed at the stars, listening to the crickets. It was a lovely, slightly nippy autumn evening. Just then I thought about what an illusion we live in sometimes. How often we alone create situations that confuse us and press us. We think time flies, but it doesn’t. It goes by so slowly and is enough for everything important. And what’s most important is usually also the simplest. I know, this is the biggest cliché. But at times like this I reaffirm this personal truth. It’s so easy to let yourself go with the flow, to fill your life with things that bring you no satisfaction at all and start asking yourself why your heart feels so empty. And these simplest of things remain unnoticed. During the period of my life I had dedicated to discovering myself, when I traveled to wonderful places and met so many interesting people, that was the first moment I understood this universal truth. Back then I promised myself to do everything I could to allow myself this honor at least a couple of times a month. The honor to stop hurrying, stop planning the future, stop seeking answers or lessons from previous experiences, stop dreaming and just live in the moment. Live the whole moment. Take in everything around you and this “everything” is enough to complete you. To realize this is actually enough for you. Enough to make you happy, enough to give you a purpose, enough for you to understand the truth in the cliché that the smallest things in life are the most important. The little things like spending a night alone at a place like this and for that to make you satisfied with life, not create a feeling of loneliness or emptiness.
I Choose You, Love Page 6