The show was going to be grandiose and fabulous. I had no doubts all the media were going to cover it extensively. I don’t think anything like that had been done before in Bulgaria. It was complex and interactive. It was going to be a wonderful experience for all the guests. I was certain of it.
The hotel was at the seaside. On the shoreline itself. It had a lovely view of the sunset and a beautiful beach just in front, with its fine golden sand, like most beaches in Bulgaria. The location was good, but the hotel had been badly managed before and had the reputation of a cheap hotel. That was one of the main things we wanted to change. That was a big challenge for the company and for myself. We had the task of taking a badly reputed hotel to an expensive and elegant place. Making a complete change in people’s minds. One of the most difficult things to do.
Of course, the hotel had been overhauled and now looked modern, cosmopolitan. It was a good mix between modernism and a nautical interior. With a lot of wood, bamboo, bed canopies and beautiful, colorful plants. A lot of money was invested in changing its appearance completely. Its opening was going to be with a dance show, but there were no seats – not like a show, not like a fashion show. The guests were going to have the opportunity of walking freely around the open spaces of almost the entire ground floor – the lobby, the restaurant, the bar, some of the rooms, and the conference hall, which that night looked like a ballroom. The event was going to be a mixture of styles and storylines. We had baroque, modern, cabaret, a little burlesque. We had a renaissance style, we even had a black and white part à la Charlie Chaplin. Even now, when I enumerate all the things we did, I start to think that on paper it could sound a bit kitschy, but the combination of all this was superb. It was a work of art – not only the decoration of the premises but also the clothes collection, the food and the drinks. The guests could flow from one room to the other, immersing themselves in a mixture of feelings, sounds, aromas and figures. The collections themselves were no less mixed – we had casual, strictly elegant, formal, extravagant, cabaret, and cocktail. The clothes were going to be presented by models, dancers and acrobats. They were going to dance on stages and among the people, and some on swings, hanging from the ceiling. Some of them were even going to initially be among the guests and then, most unexpectedly, while nobody was watching, going to start their choreography. Total chaos, a one hundred percent confusion of the senses.
The separate styles were not divided into rooms, but into corners. One corner was decorated and furnished in a baroque style and there was a swing with a jester hanging from the ceiling. The clothes that the staff, who were also dancers, were wearing were pop art with body art. In the next corner, which was burlesque with a lot of beads and pearls, and with a lot of mirrors, we had planned for the dancers to be strictly formal, in a style à la Charlie Chaplin, with moustaches and men’s wigs. When the moment came, they were going to tear up their clothes and change into a burlesque style, with bustiers, feathers and a lot of jewelry. We had a modernistic corner – a club with lasers and disco balls, and the dancers there wore heavy draped dresses from the period of Louis XIV. That’s how different styles, clothes, and furnishings were combined, and the whole evening everything was going to rotate, in order to create a surrealistic atmosphere.
The fashion show itself wasn’t going to have any logical continuity. Some of the rooms were going to have an elevated runway, but the models were going to go on it only in the beginning. Numerous times throughout the evening, the show was going to move to unexpected corners. We had planned to move to elements hung from the ceiling – ropes and swings at one moment. Acrobats were going to display their show while, throughout the night, they were going to blow different-sized soap bubbles towards the audience. In one of the rooms we had an artificial wall built. At one point, other actors were going to come out of it, breaking it and playing a different part of the show. The whole atmosphere was going to be filled with more interactive games. In the main hall we had multimedia, which completed the choreography and the idea of the separate dancers. In one of the corners we had a Black Jack table with a live croupier and a possibility to gamble. In one of the rooms, acrobats were going to bathe in a huge glass of champagne, splashing the guests from time to time, but only very gently and playfully. At another point of the evening, actors, set at a cocktail table among the guests, had to start a fight, one of them splashing his drink in the other one’s face. The fight was a beautifully created dance between two men competing for a woman. She herself was also going to take part in the end, tearing up her outfits several times, revealing other ensembles underneath each one.
The idea was pretty scandalous and pretentious. We worked on it with numerous choreographers and different dance schools, each with their own style, so that we could mix not only the décor, but also the dance styles. We had various food and drinks too in order to create the feel of different eras.
The show was really going to be opulent. The idea was to not put that much of an accent on the hotel, or on the collections, but on the whole effect being breathtaking. At the exit, each guest was going to receive a gift in a different style, just like the rooms and the dancers, which was going to have multimedia with a real fashion show with the collection – a standard catwalk, which in itself would emphasize the clothes details and on the models.
The guests, of course, were carefully selected. From the moment we started advertising the event, interest grew significantly. The more we unveiled the idea of the concept, the more invitation requests we received. We had a lot of media, meant to cover the event, we had a lot of VIP guests, loyal customers of the hotel chain, as well as close family and friends of the owners and of myself. I only invited a few people – my family and some friends, among whom were Daniel and his friend Lilly. They are both very close to my heart. I love them a lot and I was really sorry when I found out Lilly had to go abroad on business and couldn’t attend.
However, this could not make Daniel say no. The event was going to be spectacular and he loved a good party. Not only that, but he was going to start the new project in Phillip’s company soon and I suppose he also had a professional interest in being there. Danny knew me well and was sure that the hotel opening was going to be stunning.
Everything was set. Any moment now they were going to start letting guests in. Everything looked wonderful. I was proud of myself. Of what my team and I had achieved in a short period of time. The clothes were exactly like me: different. And I didn’t have the slightest worry whether they were going to like them or not. On the contrary, I was certain there was going to be interest, because we had included various styles and different types of people were going to like them.
My styling for the evening was no less interesting. I had a heavily draped dress in baroque style, with black tulle in the skirt and a lot of lace. In the front, it was short, and in the back, it had a long, heavily embellished train. In some spots the top layer was torn up and dark-purple feathers peeped out from underneath. The top part was made up of a bustier which gave my body an even better shape – small waist, perky breasts. It had multiple, different sized purple and green gemstones set in it. I wore extremely high and pretty heels which also had lace and stones like those on my dress. My hair was pulled in an updo with some lace and some casual curls falling free. I was pleased with the final result. After all, I was going to be the one closing the evening – I didn’t have the right to any mistakes.
At the entrance each guest received a gift – a fan, a domino-mask, a moustache on a stick with a bowler hat or disco glasses. The idea was for every guest to feel the atmosphere of the show with even greater strength, becoming a part of it. My choice was another change of ideas. Given my baroque styling, I picked up a moustache on a stick.
Although there were no seats, there were cocktail tables all over the premises so that the guests could leave their drinks. There were lovely places designated for the owners and their families, as well as for me and my guests in the main room, but I couldn’t sta
y in one place. There was a sense of pure joy in walking around, in feeling the different atmospheres created in the different rooms, I looked into people’s eyes, following their reactions, their ever-growing excitement. And the show hadn’t even started yet. I myself was overexcited. I knew the final product we were going to create was going to be grandiose – we had looked at it as a project many times, I was present when they were putting up all the décor – but now, witnessing all the intensity of the images, sounds, and feelings, I was dazzled. I had never done anything like this before. That’s exactly what I could see in the eyes of my teams, and in those of the company owners. We surpassed our expectations. This night was going to be a masterpiece.
The journalists had long been in their positions and I could see their shock from everything around them. Flashes everywhere, people taking photos on their phones, laughing, everyone was in his own film. That was just the idea of the event – to reenact the founding concept of MyMegan – a variety of tastes all in one spot, a variety of colors, fabrics, styles. A variety and a mixture.
The lights dimmed. Apart from everything else, we had also invested in amazing lights and additional effects. Throughout the program there were going to be moments when lights would fade, when specific spots would be illuminated, there was going to be a breath of air, soap bubbles, smoke, lasers. In the end, of course, we were going to wrap-up with a wonderful firework display on the terrace in the main hall, looking over the sea. There were screens everywhere, showing what was happening in the other rooms, as well as outside. That way, every guest was going to be able to watch the entire program without having to leave their place.
The show started. Many effects. Marvelous dancers. Every moment something was happening somewhere. The guests’ attention was captivated. Not one absent-minded look. I myself walked around the rooms and enjoyed the faces of the guests, not the program or the clothes. I examined their expressions, I watched their reactions. Shock. Interest. Excitement. Inspiration. Even ecstasy. There were moments when they were laughing, there were moments when they were shocked, there were even moments when they couldn’t wait to see what was going to happen next, and moments when they got scared. It was all an explosion of emotions and sensations. The air was electrified. I was electrified.
And that’s when I saw him. Just opposite me. Tall. Strong. Manly. And utterly sexy. He had picked the same moustache on a stick as me. It looked so good on him. A perfect-fit suit. And that look. Only his eyes were not on the show and the dancers. They were stuck on me. He was taking me all in. Thirstily. I started shivering. I could feel him on my skin. He was burning me. We were at least ten feet from each other, but I could feel him near me. I felt him on me. I got waves all over my body. I couldn’t believe what was happening. Was it because of the strong emotions I had with the organization? Was it to do with the tension and excitement from the event itself? That moment my senses were strained until it hurt. I shut off everything else. I shut out the loud music. I dulled the changing lights. I eliminated the people around me. Only he was left. Bright. Captivating. Attractive. This was some kind of sorcery. I gathered my last strength, I gathered the few thoughts left in my mind and started toward him. It was time for me to get out of the hole I was hiding in. It was about time for me to act like a grown woman, not like a fearful teenage girl. Although he had an effect on all of me, I was strong. I was bold. I was just as sexy and dangerous.
I got closer to him. I was smiling. I smiled at his thirsty eyes. I smiled at the desire in his eyes. I was provoking him. I was finally on the move. When I stood next to him I realized for the first time how much taller he was than me. How much strength he radiated. Strength and confidence. He didn’t worry about my slightly smug smile, not about the preying look in my eyes, which I hadn’t shown till then. Quite the contrary. That seemed to have excited him even more. His eyes went dark. This man radiated sex with every single cell in his body.
‘You radiate sex with every single cell in your body,’ he repeated my thoughts with a hoarse voice.
‘Where’s your girlfriend?’ I asked, with a playful smile.
‘I’ll rip you up. I’m one step away from grabbing you, tearing up your clothes and penetrating you right here, right now. Nobody around us would be scandalized. They’d all think we were just a part of the program.’
I was shocked. I don’t know about the others. But I was scandalized. Nobody had ever spoken to me like that. Nobody! And I’d only seen him once. Such cockiness. Arrogance. So blasé. He was extremely self-confident. I could slap him and show I was shocked. I could turn around and leave as if all this hadn’t happened. I could continue the conversation a million different ways, just to make it all a joke. But the truth is I liked it. The truth is I was burning up and I wanted this man to tear me up. I wanted him there and then. I wanted to let him do everything with my body. Anything he wanted. Anything his fantasy came up with. And I was sure it was a rich one. I liked the game. So I played along:
‘What’s stopping you then?’
I was watching him with no less excitement than his. And he knew it. Saw it. Felt it.
Chapter 5
Control. Control is the assumption that makes us feel falsely stable, falsely safe. But it’s the greatest illusion on earth. There is no such thing as control. No such thing. And the more we are obsessed with control, the less control we actually have. The truth is in letting go. Releasing control. That might be the most suitable verb, because lack of control in reality is freedom.
Control is a frame which we are taught to purposely live in. It starts from parents, whose natural aim to control us often never ends, passing by teachers who rarely use any other form of schooling and education, by the society which exists thanks to control, by friends who also use it as a hidden form of manipulation. We take it on to work. Personal relationships, of course. That’s where we lose all awareness. That’s where we go to the greatest extremes. That’s also where we can achieve the greatest progress, just as with everything else – when both partners are aware and desire to work on the development of each one and of both together.
Control is lack of trust in the others and in the world. Control is often lack of trust in yourself. Lack of the confidence you deserve. Control is a pathetic attempt at having power over situations. Something that doesn’t depend on you at all. How naïve can you be to believe you can have power over another person? You can control him by force for a certain period. But that is exactly lack of freedom. We often excuse it for safety, security, good results, trust. But if you want to trust someone, isn’t that something you give and not something you get and must constantly check and appreciate?
Control is everywhere around us. It’s part of our everyday life in all things. We are often so absorbed with having the function of control that without it everything seems amoral, misleading and deceptive. But the greatest deception is control.
I lived a long time with this deception. And I always knew intuitively that it was time for me to open my eyes and my heart, if only for a minute and try to let go of control. Even if only to see what it felt like. To try to release all the people around me I was constantly trying to control. That’s when I would truly understand how free I felt and how free they would feel, I used to say to myself. When they feel the freedom and the real trust I’ve given them, they will respond with the same. That’s when I will feel complete freedom. When I know with my soul, not my mind, how much the circumstances don’t depend on me, I could easily accept everything that’s happening – good and bad, because, in the end, that’s the path. Then why do we need to exercise control? We could simply let go, release the constant pressure, breathe in, smile, and feel the true, pure form of life. Unencumbered by the pointless burden we have put on our shoulders of swimming against the tide, which is what control is.
Yes, I’ve always lived in this deception, I have always swum against the tide. Sure, I made steps of growth in that direction, but I knew myself they weren’t enough. Well, it was about tim
e for something to happen, for something to rock my world. To shake me so much I forgot what control was and to show me how little influence I had on it.
Phillip was that thing. I felt it the moment I saw him for the first time, at Daniel’s birthday party, that’s when I knew it deep down inside. But I didn’t want to admit it. I loved keeping control over everything and everyone around me. That made me feel strong and capable. Phillip ripped all control from me. And he seemed to be unshakeable. Perhaps that’s exactly what I needed. But I didn’t understand it yet.
I felt his strength with every cell in my body. He was way more dominating than me. I felt I was walking on thin ice, ice that could still keep me afloat, I still had control over the situation, I still guided things. But this ice was already cracking beneath me. When I was around Phillip, I felt I could not only barely control the situation – I was losing control over myself. A feeling I had never felt before. He controlled me. And the weirdest thing is I liked it. I wanted to let myself go in his arms. I wanted to let him be the master of the situation, and of myself. I wanted to let him have all control over me and that excited me so much. But it scared me too. Scared is a very, very weak way of putting it. It frightened me. I choked. I panicked.
Saturday morning. I was snuggled up in a warm blanket with a cup of nice hot coffee. It was the first slightly cooler day, which showed the summer was at an end and the time was soon to come when we would wear warmer clothes and shoes, enjoy the golden fall and nostalgically remember the lovely sunny summer days. I woke up early. If you could say I even slept at all. I was so overexcited from the previous night, I could barely get some shut-eye. I was overexcited because of the adrenaline about the show, because of the huge success it had been, because of all the excitement of the people around me, greeting me and congratulating me, and most of all – because of my collision with Phillip. Yes, it was a collision of energies, a collision of authorities. A collision in which one didn’t know who would be the winner and who would be the defeated.
I Choose You, Love Page 5