I Choose You, Love

by Aleona de Kama

  We are always in a hurry in our everyday lives, we have so many things to do in just one life, we want to achieve such big plans and dreams, we want to visit so many places and meet so many people that we don’t have time left to live in the moment. To unwind and just live. This is truly wonderful and real. There are so many clichés in our lives and the more of them I accept as truth, the more complete I feel. Complete and fulfilled. Full of life and desire for more and more challenges. At times like this I feel strong. At times like this all the things that shake me seem insignificant. At that time, even Phillip wasn’t of such importance to me because I realized I was important, I was what I had to focus on if I wanted to give meaning to my life. Those thoughts crossed my mind as if to end a lovely Saturday and once again I strongly believed the best was yet to come.

  Chapter 7

  I woke up smiling. I had dreamt a lovely dream I remembered nothing about. It was one of those mornings when you wake up happy. I don’t whether it was because of the previous day being dedicated all to myself, which always brought me pleasure and joy, or simply because of the fresh air in the mountains and the nature which energizes me like nothing else, but the morning was wonderful. The clouds from the day before had dissipated and sun was shining through the window. When I went outside on the terrace and felt how warm it was, I glanced at the clock and I was honestly shocked that I’d slept in. It was going up to eleven o’clock. The sun was shining brightly. The garden in front of the house was sunlit and I felt an urge to go outside, run barefoot in the grass, lie down and let the rays warm up my face. I didn’t even think it necessary to change, I just threw on a kimono and went downstairs, barefoot and in my slip. I saw the house was empty, which was quite untypical for my grandma, because no matter how much stuff she had to do, the time we were home was very rare and she always spent it with us to the fullest. I sensed the aroma of freshly baked banitsa pastry, but my desire to walk barefoot in the grass was greater than my hunger. I ran out in the garden. I felt pure joy, just like a child. I started singing and dancing, jumping and turning. I was laughing. The grass tickled the soles of my feet and that energized me even more. Suddenly, something made me snap back to reality. I felt like somebody was watching me. I looked around to find out what the source of that feeling was and, right there, at that moment, I nearly fainted.

  Have you ever had the feeling when something comes out of nowhere, shocks you, surprises you so much that you feel like the Earth and the Sky are about to collide and are squeezing you in a sandwich? You feel dizzy and you ask yourself whether you might be dreaming because what’s happening is impossible. I had never before experienced such utter shock. Such a drastic change in feelings – from the complete harmony and calm I had achieved in the past 24 hours to panic and stupor. As if someone poured a bucket of ice-cold water all over me. Ice-cold water filled with bugs. I couldn’t believe my eyes. I was thunderstruck, I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t even blink. My heart was pounding, my mind was racing, trying to figure out what was happening, but it was stuck. I was staring at the person standing opposite me and I couldn’t make the link between him and the place we were.

  Less than ten meters from me, in my house, in my village, was Phillip, looking at me with his sexy look. He was perfect even in his loose sweatpants and with his messy hair. Different, not so strictly sexy, but rather casual. And he was still perfect. There he was, right in front of me, while my grandma was catering for him, serving him tasty hot banitsa. THIS HAD TO BE A DREAM!

  I approached him slowly and carefully. I was still expecting my phone to ring any moment now and wake me up. I was closing the gap between us. I got to the table and when I saw his eyes all over my nearly naked body I realized I was still in my slip. I covered myself with the kimono as fast as I could and stood silent. I really didn’t know what to say. When I reached them he stood up, smiled with his brightest smile, greeted me and kissed my cheek.

  ‘Megan, how come you didn’t tell me you were expecting guests. We would have prepared better,’ said my grandma.

  ‘I wasn’t expecting any!’

  ‘Don’t worry ma’am. Everything is splendid. Your house is marvelous, your banitsa is heavenly. Megs, have a seat and grab some banitsa.’ He watched me with his boldest and most cheerful look and I could almost hear his thoughts, laughing at my shocked face, at the surprise he had set up for me and at the well-known impossibility for me to express my honest opinion about it all in front of my grandma.

  ‘Phillip, you can call me Grandma Mimi.’

  ‘What are you doing here?’ I asked.

  ‘Well, you remember we had agreed to meet up when I came back. I called you, but you had no reception. Daniel told me you were in the village, told me how to get here and I came. It’s a lovely place. I saw you have a reservoir too. Can you show it to me later, Megs?’

  I couldn’t answer. My brain kept neglecting its functions. I had difficulty processing information. I should kill Daniel. And what was with this ‘Megs’?! Were we friends already?

  My grandma was delighted. She was scurrying around Phillip with pleasure. She already adored him. What was this force of attraction this man had on everybody? He watched her with his warmest joyful look, laughing at every second word, complimenting her on everything – the banitsa, the garden, the flowers, the clothes, the animals. He pulled her chair for her every time she stood up or sat down. Whilst they had been waiting for me to wake up, he had been interested in every suggestion my grandma had made – they had already had a look at the house, the garden, the animals, even the photo wall in one of the rooms. Oh God no, not the photo wall! That was my grandma’s pride – her children and grandchildren at different important moments of life. There were photos of me there I wouldn’t have shown Phillip. It turned out that they had had enough time for him to get a surprisingly huge chunk of information out of my grandma. She spends so much time alone that she never misses a chance to talk to someone who would listen to her with full interest, especially about her favorite topics – her grandkids, particularly me. I was sure Phillip was a wonderful manipulator and that having an interlocutor like my grandma he wouldn’t even need to use a significant number of his tactics. He just had to ask the right questions to get the most information. But why the hell had he come?

  After we finished with breakfast, I had already begun getting a grip of myself; my heart rate was even back to normal. I was relaxed and I was quite enjoying myself. Phillip had a wonderful sense of humor and had definitely decided to charm my grandma. Of course, he managed it all so fast and easily. I don’t know how long they had been on the porch but at one moment my grandma said she was a bit tired and was going to go to her room to lie down and have a rest. I don’t know whether she did it to give us some privacy, or if she really needed a rest, but I was glad. The moment I heard her closing her door I asked him:

  ‘What the hell are you doing here?’

  ‘Wow, calm down, tiger, don’t bite!’

  ‘Don’t you dare call me tiger. Shouldn’t I be worried you’re some sick maniac, a serial killer or something like that? I know for sure Daniel didn’t tell you where the house is because, first of all, he would have told me, because he loves me, and second, because I’m not even sure whether he knows at all,’ I bluffed so hard. Of course, Danny knew perfectly well, since he’d been here numerous times, and I was also sure Phillip was an experienced manipulator and if he wanted something, he wouldn’t stop till he got it.

  ‘Look, tiger, the spark in your eyes suits you perfectly. So does your desire to tear me to pieces.’ His smile was so irritatingly smug. ‘Daniel didn’t tell me anything other than the name of the village name. It was just an innocent question and it didn’t make him suspicious, especially now that he’s overwhelmed with work. Now, regarding the house – that was a simple task. There aren’t that many cars from Sofia here. When you want something, you find a way to achieve it.’

  ‘Why are you here?’

  ‘Oh God, you haven’t i
nherited a bit of your grandma’s hospitality. I suggest you go put something on, because with you in that slip and that tiny kimono you only think you’re covering something up with, I’m not sure how much longer I can keep decent. Then we can have a walk to the reservoir.’

  As much as I wanted to have him answer my question, as much as I wanted to oppose him and not do what he told me to, I realized it was best for me to really put something more suitable on. That’s why, without saying a thing, I turned around and went towards my room.

  I went upstairs and when I looked at my reflection in the mirror, I felt sick. I was almost naked, the slip was way too short, my hair was messy and it had grass in it from my playing in the garden. I was still puffy and red from the long night of sleep. I looked like I had just finished having sex in the grass. I quickly fixed my hair and grabbed whatever clothes I saw in front of me – a pair of shorts and a loose T-shirt matching the length of my shorts. I was almost ready and just about to go down, when I heard Phillip and my grandma coming up the stairs. I opened the door and went out in the corridor. I saw Phillip following my grandma with a smile on his face, carrying a small hold-all and she was getting him settled into the room opposite mine. God, did he think he was going to stay the night? He was just leaving his bag in the room when I pulled his hand and dragged him down the stairs behind me.

  ‘Grandma, we’re going out to the reservoir. You get some rest.’

  When we got out of the house, I let go of him and picked up the pace of my walking. As if the growing distance between us (since he was walking at a normal pace) was going to help me think. Something had definitely changed in these past three weeks. The moment I had fallen once again into his orbit of attraction, I had lost my mind. I was still shocked about him being here and acting as if we were lifelong buddies. This man was driving me insane! He was completely unpredictable and, given the fact I am a person of order and plans, this drove me nuts. That’s exactly what seemed to amuse him most.

  We walked like that for about ten minutes. I needed to calm down, to tame my thoughts for a little. In the distance we could see the reservoir. I got there first and the view was fabulous. There was not a soul in sight, it was so peaceful and quiet. The sun was shining brightly, reflecting in the smooth surface of the water. The same way the forest around the reservoir was reflected in the water. Birds flew by, there were some ducks further away, dunking their heads in the water to refresh themselves. I sat down on one of the rocks just next to the water and indulged in this view. It was marvelous and for a moment it was as if I forgot about the situation this beautiful and weird man had put me in. I watched the surrounding nature and enjoyed it all. I closed my eyes, the sun warming my face, I breathed in deeply and smiled.

  ‘It’s beautiful,’ said Phillip and sat on the ground beside me. I opened my eyes and saw him digging his hands into the soil. He also seemed to have come out of the game he had started by going there. He had a completely different look in his eyes, carried away, spirited, dreamy. He gazed at the view before him and it seemed as if he had forgotten I was sitting next to him, completely indulged in this incredible beauty. I don’t know how long we sat like that. Suddenly, he broke the silence, speaking more to himself than to me.

  ‘When I was little, my parents and I often went to the mountains. It was important for them to teach me to love Bulgaria and its breathtaking nature. I loved those moments. We wandered around different mountains, different areas. Sometimes, when there was just the three of us, we’d sleep at huts, other times it was just me and my dad – we would grab some mountain equipment and sleep in tents. Those were some of the best times. I felt big. We always found the most beautiful spot to stay the night and when we’d set up the tent, we’d sit just like we are doing now, marveling at the nature around us, in silence. And my dad always said, “Phillip, no matter what you do with your life, you should always appreciate the beauty of simple things. The things like this view which fill your heart and make you happy simply because they exist. It’s the same with love.”’

  I was shocked. This was such a personal thing, this childhood memory of his, a childhood ending so abruptly and horribly. I looked at him and saw a teardrop falling from his eye. I wanted to touch him, to dry it, I wanted to hug him, to kiss him. I wanted to tell him his father really had been a wonderful father and that he had taught him the most valuable lesson. But I only said:

  ‘Your father was a wise man.’

  ‘Yes, he was.’

  We sat like that a little longer, quiet, staring at our surroundings, drifting in our own thoughts and memories. Every time I glanced at him he looked different, torn by different emotions, completely oblivious of me. That was the first time I had seen him as he was – no masks, no games, no manipulation. He was relaxed and had let his memories take over. He was real and vulnerable.

  I myself thought about how contradictory and different this man could be. I’d known him for such a short time, yet I felt as if I’d known him all my life. Nonetheless, he kept surprising me and unveiling more and more things about himself, each one different from the last. I still couldn’t believe how he’d had the courage to come to my home, visit me at my grandma’s. So composed and confident, with no worry of me kicking him out or pushing him away. And now he had opened up maybe one of the most sacred parts of his life, without knowing me, without fearing I could harm him with words or inadequate actions at that moment. I knew what he’d been through as a child and how he refused to talk about his parents, even to Danny. I knew how long he’d rejected any possibility of coming back to Bulgaria, hoping not to open dreaded wounds – the memories of his parents that remained in his child heart, and the loss he suffered without them. I knew he needed a lot of time to gather enough courage to come back to the Bulgaria which he so loved. And here he was, sitting beside me, sharing a wonderful childhood memory, opening up, expressing his pain and his feelings.

  All I could see in him made me forget about myself and the fear that this man aroused in me and just relax.

  ‘Thank you,’ he said a while later.

  ‘What for?’

  ‘For showing me this beautiful place and for letting me experience it.’

  ‘You’re welcome,’ I said after a moment of silence.

  He looked me in the eye and I saw a huge change in him, as if he had rediscovered himself. I saw strength and confidence, but not the arrogant type he put up as a wall before others, rather a mature confidence. A confidence in himself. A confidence that he could cope with anything, because he had just faced one of his biggest fears and had managed to survive. I saw gratitude in his eyes. His look was warm and gentle. He smiled. I smiled back.

  Chapter 8

  After what happened in the village, our relations took a turn. They changed as unexpectedly as everything had happened with this man up until that moment. He changed his attitude. I felt much more mutual respect. Respect and gratitude. That Saturday he stayed the night at home in the village. We spent the rest of the day with my grandma and he was very nice. Somehow all that electricity we had between us before had calmed down. We ate, we swung on the garden swing, we laughed. He even said a couple of times how impressed he was with my work on the hotel opening. But just mentioning the event, even if only professionally, sent shivers down my spine. I guess it had the same effect on him because, even though it was obvious that he had a lot to say about it, he swiftly changed the topic. I asked him about his work and it didn’t take long for him to relax. He couldn’t stop talking, it was obvious he loved his job and he definitely had great ambition and such zeal and energy for new achievements. He was very excited about his future project in Bulgaria, because it seemed to show respect for his parents. He took it very seriously and spoke of it with an indescribable passion and a certain sparkle in his eye. He was like a little child.

  The next day he left early. My grandma sent him off with a lot of gifts, which she gave him only because he had promised he’d come visit again. Soon. Saying that, they were
both staring at me and, although I worried for a second there, later on I realized how good I would feel if he were to come again. Phillip was lovely to be with and whenever I was around him I felt complete and full of life. After what we experienced at the reservoir it was as if we had gone beyond the boundary of frustration with every move the other made, like we were some sort of wild animals. We had become calmer, which made me feel I had known him all my life. A very weird feeling and one that was unfamiliar for me. Nice, but slightly scary.

  After that surprising and pleasant weekend with Phillip, things changed dramatically. We started maintaining light, hearty communication, without any sexual hints. He had a unique sense of humor, he didn’t take himself too seriously and he definitely knew how to poke fun at me too. And he did it often. Suddenly I realized that we never stopped chatting, I sat with my phone in my hand, laughing all by myself, I couldn’t wait for him to reply whenever I cracked some joke.