I shuddered at the thought. It wasn’t pleasant. I was afraid. I was even horrified at the mere mention of the word. Again. But this time I recovered quickly and decided that I was still not ready to think rationally on this subject, therefore I simply pushed it to the back of my mind and let myself enjoy all the rest of the pleasant sensations that I was experiencing in this fleeting moment. I gradually relaxed and started to remember all the various episodes from the last few days. They were wonderful. And real. I had allowed myself to be genuine. And I had accepted the person next to me as he was. Without any labels. Without judging him and undergoing serious comparative analysis, as was usually the case. We were just two human beings living through some wonderful moments together in total abandonment to each other, with no commitments.
I liked Phillip’s approach. I sincerely admired him for many things. And not only for his physical appearance, which was more than obvious, or his professional success due to the purely humane qualities that he possessed. In this case, I had in mind his personal qualities, which he had built over the years. Just to think what he had been through at such a tender age at that, when he had lost the most important and closest people, on whom he could lean and trust, and that he had to find a way to cope with the situation at hand, pick himself up and move on. I sincerely admired him for all of this, what he had been through and how pure he had emerged from the circumstances. My own life was far easier, lighter and clearer than his, but despite that, unwittingly, I had become entangled in these sturdy ropes and I believed it was easier to remain in this position instead of trying to find a way to free myself and escape.
These few days he told me many things about his grandmother. He really loved her and they were very close. It seemed that she had made many mistakes in raising her only child and because of this they had become strangers to such an extent that their pride prevented them from making amends. But sometimes life brings us face to face with unsuspected ordeals. When she learned about the car crash and the sole survivor – her grandson, Phillip’s grandmother saw in this an opportunity for redemption and payback for the mistakes she had made with her own deceased daughter, by giving her grandson the best of the best. By taking Phillip to America, she ensured for him the best possible education and upbringing, but, most importantly, she managed to build his personality. She told him all about his mother and had the courage to share with him her own mistakes, then again, she found the strength to forgive herself. This was the way he was brought up. He had received the greatest boost in his life not from the good education or the financial support, but by the courage to talk openly about her emotions, experiences, dreams and pain. She had managed to teach him to be brave to demand and to be focused on his desires and not on their absence; she had taught him to live for the moment and to enjoy it, to relish it with all his senses, without considering the restrictions of the past or the future. She had taught him to respect others and to accept them with all their differences without attempting to change them and adjust them to his own expectations and beliefs. She had told him how important it was to learn from our mistakes and to find the strength to forgive others, but mostly – ourselves. Phillip’s grandmother was a very intelligent woman and had brought up her grandson in the best possible way. I felt admiration for him. I felt admiration for her too.
‘I don’t like to wake up and not feel your body next to mine.’
I turned around and saw Phillip coming towards me, still sleepy and disheveled. Still he looked perfect. He gave me a warm hug. I fell into his embrace. It was so pleasant.
‘In that case, you have to start waking up earlier.’
‘Instead, you might relax and start sleeping late.’
‘I love sleeping, but I also love to get up before everyone else, when it’s still quiet and peaceful. It relaxes and energizes me at the same time. I can be alone with myself. To think.’
‘I’m not sure whether that’s good for me or not. Usually, the times when you are alone with yourself to think end up badly for me.’
‘In that case, you should learn to get up early. Take a shower with me, go to work, do yoga, do exercises, go to meetings with my friends, including Danny.’
‘It sounds perfect, especially the part with the shower.’
‘But then the probability of getting tired of each other would be enormous.’
‘I don’t have such worries. I am great fun and there’s no way someone might get tired of me, even you. As for you, cos you’re such a bore, I have the ambition to reform you but, by the look of it, it will take some time. But I always pursue my goals.’
I bit him on the neck; he cried, sharply threw me over his shoulder, spanked my butt as punishment and rushed towards the bedroom, laughing.
Chapter 12
Saturday and Sunday passed as quickly as the previous few days had done. The only difference was that we did not spend them entirely indoors. Phillip went to his flat to shave and for a change of clothes and I was left alone. I also had the chance to make myself presentable. As much as it was difficult for us to be apart, we had to do it. But only for a very short time. After that we went out, we walked, we laughed, we roamed around Sofia and the surroundings, we sprawled on different meadows and ate delicious things. It was a wonderful weekend and the weather was enchanting. It was predisposing for nicer sensations.
He decided to go back to his flat on Sunday because he was flying to America the very next day. We had spent almost an entire week without separating for more than an hour. I definitely did not like the thought that we would be so far apart, even if it was only for a week. I could see that he did not like it either. He didn’t want to be away from me. He even joked a couple of times that he would cancel his trip because he was worried that if he were to leave me alone for a week, there was no way of knowing what he would find when he came back. Perhaps, I would have changed my position with a 180-degree turnabout again. He even said that he forbade me to see Daniel because of his bad influence. I could see that he didn’t want to leave me alone. I didn’t want him to either. Never before had I felt this way. More often, I was placed in situations in which, after five days spent with someone, I felt either eager to be apart, in order to rest and to be alone, or I was impatient to go back to reality and be immersed in work, which I definitely missed more than any man.
Things were drastically different with Phillip. The more time I spent with him, the more similarities I found between us. I felt genuine with him, I could feel an influx of energy that charged me by doing the things I loved most. I could even neglect work for his sake, which I would never do for anyone else apart from myself. Indeed, I really was a changed person over the past year and many times had allowed my work to come second, but it was never done for a man. Phillip had not only found a way to provoke me to jump into this relationship, without allowing my prejudices to restrain me, but at the same time he had managed to relax me and to make me acknowledge the full strength of my feelings towards him. And it was true that I had made great progress in this respect, and more often I allowed myself to be at ease not only when I was with him, but also when I was alone; to talk about my feelings or what I expected from a relationship or what I did not want in my relations with him. Whilst until recently, the mere mention of the word relationship could bring me to a nervous breakdown. Despite that, there were still moments in which I tightened up, curled into a ball, shut myself out and even became hostile. I was ready to flee, to hide, to reject him, even at the risk of hurting myself badly. Phillip could sense all these things, and this was the reason why he didn’t want to leave right at this moment, when he had achieved such an enormous breakthrough in our relationship. He realized perfectly well how much effort we should both exert in order to succeed in keeping this relationship alive from a distance, as was the case in the past few days. He understood these things much better than me, because quite often I preferred to bury my head in the sand instead of thinking clearly.
He left for America on the Monday and I went
back to work. I felt not only rested, but recharged. I emanated energy from a distance and everyone could feel it. This had an impact on the entire team and soon we advanced on several projects. My enthusiasm was infectious and we worked in synchronicity. Everyone in the office was convinced that there was a new man in my life, because they could not explain in any other way the sudden shift of moods from one extreme to the other, bearing in mind my good control and the fact that I had never before displayed such emotions in front of them. I did not feel obliged to explain anything to them, just the contrary, I was even entertained by their desire to learn all the details.
The days of the week slipped by quickly, despite my expectations otherwise. Definitely, I felt sad without Phillip and I missed him a lot, like no man before that. I was waiting impatiently for Sunday, when he was expected back, in order to spend another full week without an instant of parting from him. But at the same time, I felt so charged with energy that I was a real fountain of new ideas. During the day I toiled at the office, and at night I went back home to work on my new collection, which I had started the very day Phillip had unexpectedly shown up at my door. I could not stop smiling at the thought of how much we had experienced together in such a short time. I truly could not wait for him to come back, to embrace him, to kiss him. To be with him.
We constantly texted each other. And even the time lag had its own charisma. Upon waking up, I saw a heap of messages from him that he had written during the day. ‘I miss you’, ‘Kisses’, ‘Just now I finished a meeting and I want to tell you all about the bullshit I heard, but not this way’, ‘Next time you are coming with me, I want to show you everything here’, ‘I bought you a present’, ‘I bought a present for Daniel too’ accompanied with a photo of a T-shirt with the text: ‘Next time I’ll keep my mouth shut.’
Of course, I returned the gesture and I did it because I wanted to share every single moment of the day with him, every part of my daily life. I wrote to him about things that made me laugh, about my work, and my creative inspiration, which helped me overcome the fact that I missed him so much. I even realized that I could not help myself sending him kisses, telling him how much I missed him and that I could not wait to see him again, which was so untypical for me. Very often, we also talked about sex. He was very good at that, but the truth was that I was also getting better and definitely enjoyed teasing him.
The weekend came swiftly, but with it came the great disappointment when on Saturday morning Phillip called to say that, unfortunately, he had to stay for another week or so and could not come back. At least one more week!!! This meant that it would be even longer. I felt like crying. I couldn’t believe it. I didn’t want to. I wanted him back. I wanted him to put his arms around me. I wanted to be with him. I didn’t want to go on with this constant texting. It wasn’t fair. I was so angry. I was irritated and annoyed. I felt like a small child hearing that there would be no presents for Christmas, on the morning of Christmas Day, standing in front of the Christmas tree. Phillip too felt confused and I was not helpful at all. I was certain that he was impatient to come back as much as me but, regardless, I was angry at him. Yes, I was angry at him for being over there. I was angry that he had commitments that could not be cancelled. I was angry that he had occupied so much of my mind that I could not control, and I behaved like a spoiled teenager. I was angry at myself for allowing this to happen and exposing myself to him so much and letting some man to determine my moods and feelings.
When my irritation and disappointment passed, I thought about the range of emotions I had experienced during the week. Calming down, I considered that, after all, it wasn’t such a big deal that I would not see him for another week or so. There were lots of things I could do during this time and it depended entirely on me on how I spent this time. Whether I should focus on how much I missed him and how much I needed him to be happy, smiling and lively. Or acknowledge that in fact he was just a wonderful complement to my already perfect life and that, indeed, I felt wonderful when he was around but, honestly, I could be happy, smiling and lively even without him. The more time passed, the more I was able to concentrate on myself and to rearrange my priorities as before. I did not throw him out of my life and mind totally, although I was tempted to do so a couple of times. But the truth was that there were moments when my mind tried to bring to the fore my fears and prejudices. I was glad that I was able to face them and consider them and even accept them and I was able to demonstrate to myself that these were only fences that I had erected a long time ago. I no longer needed them. And despite all the fears hidden deep inside, despite the risks that could arise, it was all worth it as long as I had feelings for this man. I just had to try to relax and enjoy everything that was to come. To enjoy, but without going into extremes.
Naturally, Phillip sensed my initial irritation and anger at him, while I felt his concerns about the situation. Definitely, I had scared him with my behavior and only now did I realize that he was ready to put up a strong fight for me and our relationship. I came to realize this and I liked the thought. My feelings towards him were getting stronger and I was infinitely grateful for everything that he had shown me and provoked me to experience. And for his patience, of course. The moment I calmed down, I told him all this and even managed to disclose some part of the emotions that I had experienced over several hours – the two extremities of emotions. The more I explained to him, the more I realized how I had neglected my feelings and how infinitely more relaxed I was when I let them flow and accepted them for what they were, even being furious for not getting what I wanted, when I wanted it. I always believed that I possessed a certain degree of emotional intelligence. But after I started talking to Phillip about my feelings that I experienced at different times, I realized that what I possessed in reality was not emotional intelligence but emotional inhibition. I was unable to accept and express my emotions; my strength was in determining which emotions could or could not be displayed at certain moments. And those that were not supposed to be shown, according to my own judgment, were simply entombed deeply so that I myself forgot about them. As much as I was happy from discovering this fact, I was shocked at the same time. I pledged to myself that I would do everything possible to listen more to my inner voice and to acknowledge my feelings, whatever they were. Phillip helped me to develop with a speed unknown to me so far, in the toughest sphere at that – the emotional one. More and more I was able to open the door to my heart and, when I looked inside, I could see him there already. I feared that he could hurt me and break me, and I wanted to chase him away. But at the same time, it was a good feeling and I wanted him to stay there forever and give him a chance or, rather, give myself a chance, give us a chance.
Chapter 13
Before I knew it, the stretch of time Phillip had to spend in America had elapsed. I also had numerous professional engagements, yet at the same time, I didn’t want to neglect my personal life. The moment when I calmed down and overcame the panic attack that I was not going to get what I wanted straightaway, I managed to get back to my daily routine. And thus, the day of his return came almost imperceptibly.
I was so excited! I was truly happy. I expected him with childlike impatience. When he informed me of the day of his arrival, I spontaneously decided to meet him at the airport. Something that I had never done before and would never think of doing for any man. But in this case, it seemed absolutely natural. I simply wanted to do it and I was going to. I told him and he was pleased. I wanted to shorten the time and distance between us as much as possible. As far as it depended on me.
When I saw him going through the arrivals terminal, I felt enormous eagerness. I ran towards him. He just dropped his bags and I threw myself in his arms. It was something real, natural, needed. It was so warm and cozy in his embrace. I belonged there. I clasped him hard. He did likewise. Later on, I realized that for the first time in my life I had openly displayed my emotions, desires and longing to be with someone. Until then I had not allowed myself to
be so frivolous and to throw myself impulsively at someone’s neck in the middle of an airport. Our happiness from our meeting was so invigorating and intense that some people even started taking photos. I did not care how we looked to the bystanders, because I was feeling wonderful.
While I was driving to his flat we didn’t stop talking, though he couldn’t take his eyes off me while I was driving. I would have done the same if I hadn’t had to pay attention to the traffic. We kissed at each set of traffic lights and we both felt the deep sexual attraction growing stronger minute by minute. At one point, his eyes became so blurred that I was certain that if it were not the middle of the day and broad daylight and in such heavy traffic on the streets, Phillip would have asked me to pull over and would have ravished me right there, in the middle of the street.
Somehow, we managed to reach his flat. He didn’t even attempt to get his luggage from the trunk, only the keys from his bag, but took me by the hand and dragged me upstairs. We were almost running, the whole time with our bodies close to each other. We started to undress in the lift and we no longer cared that it was the middle of the day and in broad daylight and that his neighbors would be scandalized. The very thought of being so close to the moment we were going to unite, so close to the instant of being next to each other…this sensation was unreal. It was magical. It was overwhelming. Nothing else mattered at this point. Absolutely nothing, except his hands on my skin, his lips on mine. We reached the door, we undressed impatiently, we wanted to eliminate all the barriers between our bodies, we wanted to fuse and become one.
I Choose You, Love Page 10