We had passionate sex. Rather, it was the gratification of long-hidden longing. It was devotion. It was inevitability. It was wonderful. For a long time after that we remained in an embrace, as if something might separate us again if we let go. It was silly but this was how I felt and I could see that he felt the same. He stroked my head incessantly and I was just curled up next to his chest. This moment was a moment of perfection. Right there I realized that I was in love. Insanely in love. The kind of love that I had never ever experienced before. The moment I admitted it to myself, I simply turned to Phillip, looked him straight in the eyes, he smiled at me and I said:
‘I am really in love with you and I am not afraid to say it.’
He froze. As if my words had not reached him. As if he needed time to comprehend them, as if something in his brain had jammed and was rewinding my words again and again, without grasping their meaning. At one point, he just pressed me to his heart with such force as if his life depended on it. He squeezed me hard and kissed me on the forehead.
‘Thank you for being here. Thank you for telling me that!’
His words were simple and concise, but carried so much weight. I had shocked him. I had surprised him. Although he was intuitive and watched me very, very closely in order to prevent a bug in my system, he was genuinely surprised by my revelation. He understood perfectly well that I was suffocated by my own restrictions and it would be difficult to reach me and make me open up to him, to let him into my heart. In full awareness. To declare my feelings towards him first to myself and then to him. The instant I told him, so soon after everything we had been through at that, he couldn’t believe it. I had taken a stupendous step, which I had never done before in such a short time. What’s more, Phillip was intelligent enough to understand this and to appreciate it.
After Phillip came back we spent almost all our free time together. He often surprised me at the office. He liked to give me presents. He was very spontaneous and wanted to do the things that made me happy. We went together for walks, and to the theatre. Gradually, we started going out with my friends. Yet another revolution in my relationship with men. Daniel was the person who could not believe in the least what was happening. He was even more surprised by my transformation than I was and whenever we went out together it was as if he was expecting to wake up from a dream. It was so hilarious to watch him and we did not miss an opportunity to joke about it. These outings with my friends, as well as the evenings when we were alone, brought us even closer together. We got to know each other better and found out how perfect we were for each other. That we felt at ease in the company of the other and were truly ourselves.
My life was moving in a new direction. I was opening up to the new opportunities presented to me and it was as if everything fell into place. With such ease. The more I relaxed, the easier things happened. I was beginning to turn my back on my previous fears that suffocated me and paid more attention to opportunities. Phillip did the same. So effortlessly he led me on this path which I had refused even to look at in the past. But everything was so easy, so natural with him. He was very attentive, gentle, but at the same time reliable. I felt that I could lean on him and trust him. Something that I had not experienced until then in my life, because trust means losing control. To trust means not feeling the need to control.
This was how time passed and more and more of my friends met Phillip and they all fell in love with him. He was charismatic, he had such charm and the power to make people like him. For sure, he was aware of this gift of being amiable and used it skillfully. All the more, he managed to enchant even my closest friends.
Over the years I had shed off many of my acquaintances, especially during the past one or two years when I began to make conscious choices in my life and not let myself drift. Over the years, I had sensed who were just acquaintances and who were true friends and brought meaning to life, and those who were the result of habit who took and robbed more than they contributed. Little by little I tried to shed them somewhat, but rather they started disappearing by themselves the moment I changed my lifestyle and, hence, my contacts. I reduced the meaningless contacts with people that did not enrich me or provoke my development but only wasted my time and energy. Then just the truest ones were left, who were in my life for a reason, and I knew they mattered. The truth was that my friends were so different from one another, so lively, that in the rare moments when they gathered together, I wondered at the colorful canvas spread before me. Yes, my friends were different, interesting and even opposites. The only thing they had in common was their true, pure feelings toward me and mine towards them. Feelings of friendship and love. Yes, the closest circle of friends was the one for which I could openheartedly admit to the whole world and to myself that they were almost like family. These were the people I could rely on for support and who could stop me from tilting towards the wrong side.
And to be fair, I was surprised that right at this point, when I was feeling so infinitely happy and convinced that finally I was on the right path in my personal life, my best friends found a cause to provoke me into thinking whether or not I was not falling towards another extremity again.
‘Megan, you should stop behaving like a child. We are not saying that we don’t like Phillip. Of course, we are extremely glad for you. Who would have thought that you would undergo such a change and so soon at that? But there it is, it’s a fact!’
‘Yes, we are all pleased to see you so happy and smiling, so in love.’
‘And mostly, how open you are for this love and this man. He did something that no other man succeeded in doing before – he found the way to your heart, which was locked behind many doors.’
We were having our Sunday brunch at our favorite pastry shop – a tradition we tried to practice at least one or twice a month, which was becoming ever so difficult because of the diverse directions in which our lives moved. It was a tradition that we upheld stubbornly, nevertheless. I was there together with five of my friends. Each one of them had entered my life in a different way and at a different time, but had found their place in it and had remained, gaining the special status of being in my inner circle. The lives of each were different, but they all shared the same way of thinking. So, in time we formed a circle of trust, where we felt comfortable sharing even our deepest dreams and fears. We were able to listen to each other, to support and give our honest opinion. This was not the usual kind of female friendship. Perhaps because we all met thanks to me and were gradually introduced to the circle, or because we were so different from one another, with different careers, different social status and interests – this made us unlike any other typical group of girlfriends. We were not together all the time, we did not constantly seek each other’s company, we did not go out together regularly; just the opposite, we maintained this method of communication – rare but wholesome. We knew what was happening in each other’s life, but we did not interfere. Perhaps this was the reason that there was no rivalry between us, which is something unusual for large companies of women. We managed to keep our relations pure and sincere. I was closest to each one of them but they also had some very strong connections with each other that provided support in moments of difficulty. This bond supported and charged us.
Catherine and Alexandra were sisters – I had been best friends with them the longest and, perhaps, they were the dearest to me. They were both different, yet alike – crazy party girls who loved life and always said “yes” to fun. We had so many common memories and did so many things together. I met Ivonne and Nicole at different stages of my life. They were so much alike – tender and calm, down-to-earth and genuine. Nicole was in advertising, although lately she had started drawing and I supposed that it was only a matter of time before she turned this new hobby that she was so good at into something more. Ivonne was in the corporate world and, although I didn’t know her in this light, but only in her personal life as a sweet and tolerant person, I was sure that on the professional turf she was no less successful a
nd ambitious, because of her sharp mind and constant successes. Nia was the only one who had been married and had a child. Unfortunately, her marriage had failed and she had to take care of her daughter alone, but the truth was that she coped with this situation perfectly. Apart from everything else, she had a successful career and, somehow, managed to find the balance between it, the child and her personal life. Yes, all my five friends were very different, but with a similar worldview. They constantly asked questions and sought answers. They never stopped seeking the positive side of life. We all had our successes and failures but, nonetheless, we succeeded in finding a way to cope with life and emerge from the various situations wiser and happier, to learn from the lessons and to move on.
I had contacts with many people over the years. Many and different. Unfortunately, most of the young people that I knew embraced the stereotypes set by society and started living by them. They found it difficult to break the limits and to find their own way and express themselves. At a given point, I began to appreciate the people that loved freedom and had the courage to break the chains. To appreciate and tolerate them. Because, when you are surrounded by people that pursue the most suitable choice for them, people that are not afraid to tell you right in the face both the good and the bad, people that are not worried about what other people think and are true to their own, now and again primal instincts in every situation, then you feel more real and alive.
Yes, I had contacts with many people over the years but once you find the ones that make you feel at home and at peace and able to share everything close to your heart, then you have friends indeed. I was one of those lucky people who could openly declare that I had several such friendships.
I was not afraid to share all my deepest and darkest secrets with these five girls, and in time we built such a strong trust between us that I could speak about everything and everyone with them. Often, while sharing, I saw my own mistakes that I had made, or the conclusions I had to draw. They knew many things about my personal life and my relations with men. Having said this, I was really surprised that the conversation shifted in a direction that seemed strange to me.
‘We all like Phillip and you know this well. I don’t think there is a person who doesn’t like Phillip. Literally!’ said Alexandra.
‘I don’t like Phillip. Megan, shame on you, they have all met the prince and I am the only one who hasn’t seen his perfect face in person yet, but just a photograph.’ Nia was the only one from the gang who still had not met Phillip, although I really wanted to hear her opinion and the vibes she would feel about him and us.
‘I’m sorry, Nia, but with your busy schedule it is really hard. And sometimes I share him with my friends with such reluctance. I missed him so much when he was in America… It was painful! And now that he is back, I sometimes catch myself behaving like a paranoid person, not wanting to waste my time with other people. It sounds strange. But I am terrified at the thought that he has to leave again indefinitely. I have not yet quenched my thirst.’
‘That’s what I’m talking about. Thank you!’ said Catherine.
‘I don’t understand!’
‘You don’t understand because you refuse to understand. Once again you are burying your head so deep in the ground and refuse to see the obvious things, but prefer to live in your make-believe world. That’s not bad. It’s not the first time for you. But I feel obligated to point out to you that you are entering into the same spiral because it pokes into my eyes.’
‘Meggie, it’s true,’ Ivonne softly put in, sipping her tea. ‘You are in love. We can all see it. Phillip is no less in love than you. And we are all happy for you. But you are going to extremes again. You asked us to point out to you such circumstances. I personally like such extremes, especially compared to your mind-blowing workaholism.’
‘Look who’s talking – yesterday I called you at nine in the evening and you were still in the office.’
‘You’re attacking me! Don’t defend yourself – there is no need. You know that whatever you choose to do, we’ll support you. Even if you make mistakes, because there is nothing better than erring. Mistakes help us develop. We learn from them.’
‘Not when you are repeating the same mistake over and over again,’ added Catherine.
I looked through the window. It was getting colder. Snow was going to start falling any moment now. The temperature was below zero. People on the streets were wrapped up in their warm clothes, dashing around because of the cold, cutting air. The streets were adorned with Christmas decorations. It was beautiful even during the day. But at night it was magical. I loved these Sundays with my girls. I loved them not only for their company. I loved them for these girly talks that resounded in me – sometimes with their warmth and sometimes with their sharpness, but always with their sincerity.
‘Megan, don’t be sad,’ Nicole joined in. ‘I don’t totally agree. It’s perfectly normal at the beginning of a relationship to crave to be with each other all the time and not be able to get enough.’
‘It’s not like that, Nicky. I’m grateful that you’re trying to set me at rest, but I have to admit that the girls are right.’ There was a knot in my stomach but, nonetheless, I continued, ’It’s not about how much time I spend with Phillip and how much on other things. It’s that yet again I am lapsing into extremes and am centering my entire life, my entire existence even, around him when he is here and not in America. I placed such great importance on it. Right now, this is of momentous significance for me. And this is not something that should happen, not at the beginning, nor in the middle, nor at the end of a relationship. It should not happen at all. This is the ailment of modern day society – we tend to place the object of our desire before ourselves. I don’t know whether, because of fear of rejection or fear that our companion will find out that we are not perfect, we start giving further and more. We only give to the other and never to ourselves. We give, expecting to receive something in return. Everything seems OK as long we continue to do it. But problems arise the moment the other person decides that he should start giving to himself, his relatives and friends. Then comes the risk of feeling betrayed. If we do not adjust the picture so that we are in focus and everything else is blurred, right then we will begin to feel dependent and try to manipulate in what myriad different ways our mind can conceive. He is very creative in this respect.’
‘Meggie, do not go from one extreme of being in love to the darkest one,’ Catherine interrupted me. ‘Just try to look at life objectively, perceive your mistakes and try to correct them.’
‘Surrender to the sensations that are so diverse and colorful at the beginning of a relationship, but at the same time do not make this man the priority of your life,’ Nicole added.
‘Enjoy but with reason, and retain the balance in your life, so that you will not be shaken if things go wrong,’ said Alex.
‘Alexandra, don’t be like that! Why are you so pessimistic? Why should anything bad have to happen?’ her sister reproached her.
‘Ugh, Kate! I’m not saying that something awful will happen. That’s your interpretation alone. What if he has to go back to America indefinitely, what then? Another collapse. Another week during which she would have to rearrange her shattered emotional state.’
‘Alex, you’re right. Even now I refuse to think what will happen when he has to leave again. And I delude myself only because our emotions are still very strong and when things become normal, I will be relaxed.’
‘The truth is that this dependency that you are experiencing will not subside even when the emotions are not so strong, because it will no longer be a question of being in love, but being in control,’ added Catherine.
‘And yet, why don’t we look at it this way – a more optimistic option where feelings do not have to diminish with time at all provided they have been cultivated properly,’ Nicole smiled. ‘When partnerships are built on mature choices, tolerance, trust and good communication, it is possible to preserve the strong feelings a
nd even to rekindle them constantly.’
‘I want to believe in this idea!’ I smiled too.
‘Then you should begin by not growing dependent on this man, above all be true to yourself so that you do not panic when he is away from you for three minutes. For Christ’s sake, we live in the 21st century! Nowadays, one third of relationships are from a distance. It is most natural that you should get accustomed to Phillip’s constant travelling to and fro.’
‘Once again, you’re so right, Catherine. Thank you, girls.’
‘Meggie, have you thought, if everything turns out rosy and peachy and you move to the next level, will he come to Bulgaria or will you move to America?’
They were all silent, staring at me. I felt as if I was going to faint any minute now. The mere mention of this topic made me tremble.
‘Oh, girls, today you are set on dismembering me. Please, stop it! I want a break. Let us change the topic because this is all that I can bear this Sunday. I want to leave here happy and recharged. Thank you, indeed. I know that you love me. I love you back and I don’t know how I would have coped without you. But let’s leave something to discuss next Sunday too. Now, Cathy, tell me what’s happening with your Romeo?’
‘My Romeo is already a has-been. I realized that I deserve better and I am entitled to get it. It’s just a question of time. Now I should not only articulate this idea, but start believing in it.’
Chapter 14
It was a beautiful autumn. Like all others before it, in fact. In the air there was this sense of sadness from the passing of summer, mingled with the golden richness of nature. A delicate nostalgia for the already passed abounding summer days and burning sensations. Autumn was a season of mellowness. And coyness. It had its own beauty. I loved to stroll and to shuffle the dry leaves beneath my feet on walks along paths. To hear the rustling of my own footsteps. I enjoyed the fall of leaves at every breath of wind. Such amazing colors. Just to snuggle in my warm scarf and take pleasure in the last sunrays that gave warmth, but at the same time reminded us of the approaching colder days. Looking at the trees in their multi-colored attire, I came to appreciate the wealth of autumn. The abundance of colors, emotions and images.
I Choose You, Love Page 11