Chapter 18
A few more days passed. I could not remember the exact time when I felt really tired and stopped analyzing, planning, thinking about what had happened and what could have happened. I was drained of emotions. Everything inside me was dead. I dropped out of the world. I was not living, I just existed.
I woke up from the noises in the corridor outside my flat. Someone was trying to unlock the door. I did not know what day it was. I did not know what time it was. I had fallen asleep in the living room on the sofa with my clothes on and a blanket thrown over me. One more night. The flat was a complete mess. There were leftovers of fast food on the table next to me. The TV was in mute mode. There were wine glasses and tea cups, a sign that I had not cleaned up since the previous morning at least. I had simply switched from one kind of drink in the morning to another in the evening. I reached for my phone to see the missed calls. For example, the missed call from Phillip. I saw that the battery was dead. Suddenly, I realized what was happening. Phillip was back from America. He had come back for me. He was the one who was trying to open the door, unlock or break it. This was my man. He had reconsidered and understood how hasty his action had been. He was back, and because he had not been able to get in touch with me because my phone was dead, he had found another way to enter my flat. He always found a way to achieve the things he wanted. There was nothing that could stand between us. That was enough for me. I needed no more reflections. I jumped out of the blanket. I did not care how I looked, I did not care what my flat looked like at this moment. All I wanted to do was hug him. To feel him, to look at him, to tell him so many things. I ran to the door and opened it instantaneously.
But it was not Phillip at the door. No! It was just my mother. She came on Sunday – worried. Worried about my behavior last week. Worried because I did not tell her anything and she had no idea was happening to me. Worried because I was not answering her calls. And not only hers, but no one’s. Afraid that I had switched off my phone as well.
No, it was not fair to them, my parents, my relatives. It was not fair to put them through this. I was living through this difficult period. But I was fully aware that it was imperative to find strength and a way to explain to my parents that everything was okay, that there was nothing fatal and that I just needed some time to recover. Honestly, I was so immersed in my pain, and the situation that I had put myself in, that I had ignored everyone and everything. That was not me.
My mother stormed into my flat with all her strength, lest I would try to drive her away and she would lose her chance to understand what was going on. She was not one of those mothers who fussed too much. On the contrary, she had always given me the necessary freedom to make mistakes, even when she knew I was going to. She shared her opinion with me, but she never forced it on me. Now, watching her rushing in, I realized what I had subjected her to. I suppose that in such circumstances parents always assume the worst. I could not say for sure. I was not a parent, I supposed I would find out later in life.
My mother went into the living room and, seeing the state it was in, she turned to me. Apparently only then did I realize the miserable state I was in. I looked at the mirror in the hall and could not recognize my reflection. My hair was dirty and disheveled. Maybe, if I looked closer, I would find some leftovers. There were tearstains on my face. I had put my top on back to front. I recollected the moment when I had dropped food all over me while lying on the sofa. But, because I didn’t feel like changing my clothes, I just turned my top with the stain on the back and forgot about it quickly and effortlessly. A creative solution, I admit. My mother came to me and hugged me. Then she grabbed me by the shoulders, pulled away, and said:
‘Megan, no matter what, you can do so much better! It’s up to you if you wish to share with me or not. It’s up to you if you are ready to tell me what troubles you and what has made you come to this state. But I did not come here for that. You know I’ve never interfered in your life and the choices you make. I came to tell you the following: Whatever happens, you should never forget one thing, and this is the most important thing, the most meaningful thing in this life. I sincerely hope that I have managed to explain this particular value to you so that one day you will pass it on to your children. Whatever happens, never forget that you have family and people who love you, and will support you and stand by you, no matter what. I have told you many times that family is the most important thing for a purpose. Whatever problems we all experience, we should remember that if there are people who stand beside us, we shall be stronger at all times. But sometimes we forget this. Sometimes we underestimate the strength of family. We even think our relatives cannot understand us, they try to hinder or stop us. But the truth is, we do not have to be in your shoes, we do not even have to understand you; the only important thing is to be there for you, without as much as interfering. Knowing this, you will be stronger and more confident, and the choices you make will be more enduring. So, my dear girl, I came to tell you this, to make sure you are alive,’ she smiled, but there was pain in her eyes, ‘and if you need me, only if it is to share, I will stay, and I will listen to you.’
I started crying. Intense and heart-breaking weeping. I kept on crying. I cried my eyes out as one only cries in front of the people closest to them, without discomfort and inhibitions. I hugged my mother like a little girl. She said nothing, but gave me what I needed the most.
After I had calmed down and stopped crying, we decided to clean up the mess somewhat and make ourselves comfortable. I made tea and started talking. I had talked to my mother several times when I was still a small girl. She had repeatedly given me advice that differed from my opinion. At the time I was annoyed and did not appreciate this maternal support. But children are like that. We take our parents for granted, and we believe that we can easily put aside the things they tell us. Often, we do not appreciate the value of the things they provide for us and at what personal cost.
Once I started talking, I could not stop. I told her how much I had changed after meeting this man. How he had come to our village to meet my grandmother. How he had found the way to my heart and how good we were together. How much we were alike and, at the same time – how different, so much so that we constantly found fascination in each other. Finally, I got to the time of our quarrel. I told her about the conversation with the girls and about my hasty reaction, about his behavior and attitude, about his quick decision and about how important the project was for him in Bulgaria. I told her everything. I poured out everything from my heart. And the more I talked, the more I felt relaxed. My mother did not say a word all the time. She did not express opinions or pass judgments, but just listened. Without expressing any emotions. But I could feel her support.
When I finished my story, she was still quiet, but I could see in her eyes that she was thinking. Thinking over so many things. And finally, she said:
‘Megs, stop blaming yourself for what’s happened. Let bygones be bygones. It doesn’t matter whether you are right or wrong, his actions don’t matter either. From what you told me about this guy, he doesn’t seem to me to be irresponsible. I don’t think a grown-up man would take such life-changing decisions based on just one conversation. Even if this conversation had annoyed him so much that he would decide to break up with you. There is something much deeper here, and it probably has nothing to do with you. But don’t cling to this hope, because it’s also important to admit that he did not have the strength or courage to tell you the truth. In this behavior I see a desire to escape. Whether he is running away from you or something else, we cannot guess. But this is not important. Megs, the only thing that matters in this situation is your actions. Whether now you can sincerely say that your action was right or wrong. Accordingly, if you think it was right, stand your ground, regardless of whether you are rejected or not.’
‘No, I don’t think I was right. I think I overreacted and was too hasty.’
’Then, be a smart girl and learn your lesson. Reconsider how you
reacted and behaved. Assess what you did wrong, learn your lesson, and know that everything happens for a reason. And move on. Yes, you are hurting. Yes, it will be difficult for you. OK! You need time. OK! But do not dwell too much on your mistake and do not blame yourself, because all our actions have their consequences. But very often they are not the cause for the train of events that follows. On the other hand you have the man and if he chooses to be with you, no matter what terrible things you might have said or done, he would not change his mind so easily but provide you with an opportunity to amend yourself. The other person’s decision has nothing to do with you. It is based solely on his own world, and his views. And if your action played the role of a catalyst, it doesn’t mean that he would not have done the same anyway, even without your additional push. You are strong and courageous. But you’re also fragile and vulnerable. Cry as much as you need. Give yourself time to heal. Eat chocolate. Listen to music. Dance. Then cry again. Escape from this vicious circle, stop chasing your tail; it all depends entirely on you. Forgive your stupidity and find the strength to stand on your own two feet. Pull yourself together. Clean yourself up, then clean up your flat. Rest after this stressful situation and move on. Be smarter. Readier. Bolder. But also open to new opportunities that are offered to you daily, and mostly – allow yourself to love and be loved.
I started crying again. I could not control myself. But I did not want to either. My mother embraced me and let me weep. She said nothing further. She stayed a while longer with me. And she made me another cup of tea. Then she left. On leaving she said that, when I felt better, I should go to the countryside for a while. Closer to nature, I would probably find even more things to substantiate her words. She told me she loved me and everyone sent me kisses. And she was gone.
Chapter 19
Time passed. The morning after the conversation with my mother I decided it really was a wonderful idea to go to the countryside. My common sense told me that I should no longer waste my time and, whether I was down or not, happy or unhappy, the way I was handling this challenge in my personal life depended entirely on me. I gathered some stuff and left. I was sure that close to nature, I would pick up the pieces of my heart much faster. I would cry, calm down, look at the future, learn my lessons, forgive myself, and move on. My mother was right that, regardless of what would happen in my life in the future, whether Phillip had played his role and I would never see him again, I had to assess everything based on my personal feelings, irrespective of how he had reacted and thought. Winter was coming and it was not the best season for long walks, but at least I would get away from the memories that haunted me at home. The distance would probably allow me to look at events from a different perspective.
On my way to the village, I was overwhelmed by a feeling of hopelessness, remembering the moments Phillip and I shared there. This was our first real moment of intimacy, when he opened up and I was able to see him. His true self. I recalled all those similar moments that followed. He was so frank, so willful, so confident. The more I thought of him, the more I was certain that whatever had provoked him to take that decision, including me, Phillip was one of those people who would find a way to face me and explain. But he had not done so. This was so uncharacteristic of him. He had accomplished everything in life because he was courageous. It was not typical for him to run, to hide. He had done this once before with Daniel – he preferred to end the relationship with his best friend, no matter how much he loved him, at the expense of escaping the pain of remembering his deceased parents. But he was still a child at the time and the pain was too strong, and he had no skills to deal with such a situation. But something in me told me that even as a child and teenager, Phillip quickly learned his lessons and understood what was right and wrong. Therefore, age was not the reason for the separation between the two friends, but rather choosing the easier and more practical solution. It’s difficult to say why, but while considering this alternative, something told me that there was a particular importance here and I should look at it more closely. Already I had reached the village, and these thoughts disappeared the moment I got out of the car and saw my grandmother.
All the problems disappeared once I was in the village. Perhaps it was my grandmother’s warmth, so radiant, and the way she cared for her granddaughter, or in the power of nature and its influence on me at all times. Maybe it was the awareness of the solid roots of the strong and supportive family I grew up in. Some of these things or their combination gave me the confidence that I could cope with anything. Confidence in finding a solution to this situation and that I could continue to be myself without succumbing to thoughts and feelings that were uncharacteristic for my positive nature. Yes, every person goes through difficult times. Overall, I had more experience with professional difficulties. But with every passing moment spent in the village, I was convinced that I would find the strength to rise after this shock, this brief but moving love, and in spite of its quick and unexpected ending.
I did absolutely nothing on the first day. I told my grandmother that I was tired because lately I had been very busy. I told her that I needed a day just to rest and relax my mind in silence. She understood and did not ask any questions or bother me at all. I suspected that my mother also played a part in this. Somewhat I expected it from her, after seeing the state I was in; my grandmother would get worried and start asking questions. But she understood everything just from one look. She did not bother me with questions and did not fret too much. My mother had definitely told her something and I was thankful.
And so, I did absolutely nothing the entire day. I stared into empty space. I went for a walk. I did not speak. I did not think. I did not analyze. I did not blame or justify myself. I did not try to understand. I did absolutely nothing. I gave my mind the break it deserved after spending the last few days in going over and over again the same thoughts in an attempt to find a different outcome. But there was none. So, I deserved a break. For the first time after the incident I managed to get a good night’s sleep, without interruptions, and I woke up really refreshed.
The next morning the weather corresponded to my mood. I felt much calmer and refreshed. The sun appeared early in the morning, rather cold and weak but it slightly improved my mood. I woke up with the idea of creating something – drawing interior designs and clothes, writing, sewing. Ideas were storming my mind, as if over the past few days I had kept them locked up and now I had opened the door. I was recharged. And once I started, I could not stop. Thus passed the entire day. I did not eat, only a few times I went downstairs to make some tea and drink water, chat with my grandmother, and went upstairs again. I created several interesting pieces. And once again I was convinced that when the emotions are strong within the artist, then the works of art are the most original. Regardless of whether the feeling is positive or negative. Happiness, joy, love, grief, loneliness, pain, anger. It did not matter. That evening I went to bed early, physically exhausted. That day I wanted to get everything out of me intentionally – all the accumulated tension from the countless passions I had experienced over the past couple of months – such a vast palette. I managed to get rid of almost everything and collapsed on the bed and slept like a log.
On the third day I woke up feeling hungry. Again, I was able to get a wonderful night’s sleep. I got up and made some coffee. I rarely drank coffee. I just wanted to enjoy its aroma. Upon thinking why I wanted to drink coffee, I realized that I had begun to live again in harmony with my own perceptions of life. Respecting my feelings and finding joy in them. And at that moment I smiled for the first time since I had quarreled with Phillip. I was happy because I realized that perhaps I had gone through the darkest hour. I was sure I was stronger now and I would regain the balance in my life, no matter what happened next. After breakfast, the first thing I wanted to do was write an email to Phillip. And not to ask him why he had reacted the way he did, but to tell him my point of view, to tell him how I felt, what I had in mind and what he meant to me. I felt i
t with every fiber in my body that this email was everything I could do, and his response was immaterial to my future life. So, I switched on the computer and allowed my emotions to flow on the screen. And there were a great many of them.
’Hello, Love!
The last few days I experienced many emotions. You too, I suppose. From anger and blame to love and tenderness. I blamed you. I blamed myself. I went over every word we said a thousand times. I rewound our fight again and again. I considered different scenarios. I questioned my actions and yours. I remembered all the good things we had experienced to find answers to my endless questions. I did not find answers. Yes, I went through many emotions and each day I got more and more confused.
I’m writing from my village. I came here and now everything fell into place. You know the effect nature and this place have on me. I love it. It calms me down and recharges me. And this time it helped me find a way out of the situation I had placed myself in. The few days spent here were enough to make me realize that I don’t need a single answer to any of my questions. That I don’t need to solve puzzles and know the causes leading to all situations. A few days here calmed me down and made me realize that the only thing I should do is be myself – for me alone. I do not need you or your love or your answers or your choices to be myself, to be happy, to love and to be loved.
Don’t get me wrong. I have not plunged into some kind of self-delusion in order to survive. The truth is that when I learned that you had gone and had cancelled the project you could not stop talking about, at first, I was shocked and then I felt very, very hurt. I held on to you. Or rather, to the idea of you and how much I needed you then to make me happy after realizing that I could be happy and in love. But I’ve already realized that you are not the cause. Yes, Love, I do love you and I’m not running away from this thought. Now I can declare it even more strongly and consciously.
I Choose You, Love Page 14