I was pissed off at myself. I was pissed off at them too. I should make a note to myself to tell them never to advise me again. But in fact, they were not important now. It was I who had to learn my lesson and not they. Therefore, I should make a note to myself never to be influenced by someone else’s assessments and opinions. And, even if they were thought-provoking, I should give myself time to think them over, to sleep over them and take action only then. I strongly believed that if I had brought up the issue in my conversation with Phillip even after spending one evening alone with him, this would have had its influence over me, and I would have been able to assess the situation realistically and compare my feelings towards him with all the other “far-sighted” conditionality.
The more I wrote, the more I came to realize that all of this had no place in an email. However, I meant to save it and give it to him later to read, because it contained many truths I was ready to share with him regarding the depth of my feelings. I had to find him and tell him in person how I felt and clean up my own mess. I looked at my watch and wondered where he could be at this time of day. The first thing that came to my mind was to call Daniel. I was certain that he would know where to find Phillip, even at the end of office hours.
‘Hurry up, Megs. To be honest, I don’t have time for you right now.’
‘I have no intention of chatting with you either, so I won’t take up much of your time. Just tell me where I can find Phillip.’
I expected a simple answer, stating the place where I could find him, and I would hang up the phone unceremoniously. This would be so much like Daniel. I could feel that he understood that I expected from him nothing else but concrete information, to spell it out and to forget that we had even talked on the phone. But he didn’t say a word. He was silent. I thought that it was a bad line, and he had hung up before telling me what I wanted.
‘Danny, are you still there?’
‘I’m here,’ silence again.
‘So, do you have any idea? Tell me! You said you were in a hurry, didn’t you? Is he with you right now? Where are you?’ I bombarded him with questions, but I felt the tension rising. I could feel that something was amiss. My intuition was screaming at me.
‘Megs,’ silence, ‘I thought you knew.’
‘Knew what? Danny?!’
‘Megs, Phillip is gone.’
‘Gone where? To America? When did he leave? When is he coming back?’
‘He is not,’ silence again.
‘Don’t be silly. What do you mean “he is not coming back”? For Christ’s sake, you are going to open a hotel together, aren’t you?’
‘We are not going to open anything. He cancelled the entire project. He terminated it. He said that for some reason or other Bulgaria does not agree with him and only pains him. He said that there was no point in tilting at windmills and said that he preferred to focus on places that brought him luck and accepted him and made him feel good and not sad. I was 100% certain that you had broken up. I was certain that you’d dumped him and once again had gone mad. I was certain that you were the reason, because I could see how much he loved you. I could see it in his eyes, the way he looked at you, the way he treated you when you were together. I could see it in the pain he experienced in the past few days. Megan, he was devastated. He was broken. He looked as if his world was in ruins. Honestly, I was very pissed off at you because I saw the way you looked at him too. I was certain that you loved him too, even if your stubbornness prevented you from acknowledging it yourself. I called you like a million times. I wanted to tell you what a fool you were and how you need to put things right because if not, you would be sorry. But you refused to speak to me, you didn’t even answer Lilly’s calls. And at a certain point I simply gave up trying. I decided that, after all, it was none of my business and that both of you were grown-ups and could bear the responsibility of your own actions. But I thought that at least you knew of his final decision. I thought that at least before undertaking all these actions he had told you in an attempt to indicate his intentions to you. I couldn’t even presume that you had no idea. Otherwise, I would have found you and told you. Megs…the last few days he authorized me to be his proxy and to cancel the entire project and to conduct the termination of all his activities here, only to be able to leave as soon as possible. He said that he could not stand spending an instant more than was necessary. He is flying today. He is boarding even as we speak. Megs…? Megs…? Megan?’
I could not listen any further. I could not bear hearing about the consequences of my own stupidity. I had to set things right. I had to talk to Phillip and explain. I had to tell him everything I had understood in the past hour. I had to apologize. I dialed his number with trembling fingers; already tears were streaming from my eyes. I knew I had made a huge mistake. I felt that I was losing him. I could hear the dial tone. Several times now. But there was no one to pick up the phone. The connection was lost. I knew I was losing him, but I couldn’t give up. I dialed his number again. And then I heard the voice mail: ‘This number is out of reach at the moment…’ He had turned off his phone. He had turned off his phone after seeing my number. He had boarded the damn plane even after seeing that I wanted to get in touch with him. I felt that I was losing him. No! I knew that I had lost him already. I curled up in a ball on the sofa and started crying. I cried as if I had plucked my heart right out of my chest. Deep, rending crying, but silent. I was crying as though for the very last time.
Chapter 17
It was only five days since we had quarreled. Or just four, even. I could not believe how it was possible to take such an important decision so rapidly and definitely. I knew how much he wanted to start a project in Europe, and in Bulgaria in particular. He strongly believed in this undertaking and perceived it not only as a business venture, but as fulfilling an oath to his parents. He had decided to put an end to everything and had almost succeeded in just four days. He was gone, he had closed this page and seemed to have no intention of looking back.
But that was so much like Phillip. Already, I knew him well enough to be able to understand his determination. And that was exactly what terrified me most. He was like that. Clear of purpose and unbending. If he put his mind to something, he did it, regardless of the price. So, in just four days, he had put an end to our relationship, and hence the whole business venture in Bulgaria. It seemed like he wanted to escape.
I could not believe that there was nothing deeper than that. I refused to believe it. I refused to believe that after all that we had experienced, after everything we had been through for a while, he had decided to put an end so abruptly and so quickly. Without discussing it with me, without even informing me. It was still hard for me to figure out why I had to learn about all this from Daniel. And it was even harder to believe that even when I called him, he refused to talk to me, he even refused to say goodbye.
To be honest, I expected him to call me later. All the more, I had made the first step. I expected that, upon leaving the plane, the first thing he would do would be to call me. I was hoping furtively that he did not hang up, but that he had no battery, or he had not seen the incoming call and had pressed the airplane mode instantaneously. I waited a few hours, hoping that, during the very first transfer in Europe, he would turn on his phone and call me the instant he saw the missed call. He did not call. But still I kept hope alive. I waited over the next twenty hours with the idea that his battery was dead and he had no charger. But even after that, there was total silence. All my strength and hopes were drained. I was a wreck. I had not eaten or drunk anything. I was in my flat, in between periods of slumber and flashing memories of our shared experiences with frantic crying.
At one point, I realized that if the battery was down, my call would not have been registered as a missed one, but as an incoming call and, respectively, he was unaware of my effort to contact him. The very moment this thought entered my mind, I was already dialing his number. I heard the ringing tone. Once. Twice. Third time. No answer. He d
id not pick up the phone. He didn’t want to.
Hope refused to die within me, and I immediately clasped the notion that perhaps he was busy working and had no time to think of me, of us, and did not see who was calling him. I waited for an hour. Two hours. Time passed slowly and painfully, and I could not do anything but wait. Nothing. I was holding on to this last hope with all the strength I had left in me. Again, nothing.
And then suddenly the truth hit me. There were no more excuses. I surrendered. Phillip did not want to talk to me. The instant I saw this simple and obvious truth, I began to realize other things. Phillip was a man who very clearly and consistently followed his aspirations. He responded impulsively, emotionally during the evening we had the fight, but at the same time, he was one of those people who did not allow their ego, the empty idea of dignity, to stand before love. To stand between him and his desire to have a relationship. He was one of those people who always appreciated what they held in their hands and was not presumptuous. And more than once he had told me how much his grandmother had tried to teach him that – not to make hasty decisions, especially when it came to love, and always to allow emotions to subside with time and only act after that.
To take such a hasty decision, such a huge solution: not just to end our relationship, but to cancel the whole project in Bulgaria, was as if he was running away from something… this was too extreme. And even if Phillip was a man of extremes, he was definitely not a stupid man. With him, even extremes were always well judged. Evidently, he was determined to put an end to it all – to the project, to us. And the speed with which he had done it definitely indicated that he wanted to escape. And everything in me screamed that he was not running away from Bulgaria. But from us. He wanted to escape from me.
Still, he had not found the courage to face me. Was he so angry at me? Did I disappoint him so much? Did I offend him so much? No, Phillip was not a person to be offended so easily. He had an acute sense of pride and righteousness, but at the same time he knew how to forgive. He was a smart enough man to understand that I had allowed my emotions to get the better of me, and that my fears were running free again. But already he knew me well enough, to some extent even better than I knew myself. He knew me even before we started this relationship and rushed into it with vigor, consciously knowing that I had all these fears. Could he be so naïve as to think that, after having just one conversation and spending a few months of heavenly happiness, I had managed to overcome all the barriers, to clear all the fears, and would never fall into such moods? No! I doubted it. Phillip was a smart man. Surely, his actions were provoked by something much greater than this scandal. I had to understand the truth.
Yes, I had to understand, and that became an obsession with me over the next few days. Repeatedly, I had noticed that my mind thought best, fastest and most efficiently under extreme conditions. The moment I took the decision to deal with this situation, I mobilized and directed all my efforts to find Phillip’s real reason. I stubbornly refused to accept that this might be me and all the bullshit I had churned out during our last meeting.
I started with recreating the evening once more. When there is a problem, I prefer to look at it from all the different angles. This makes the situation more objective, more realistic. I recalled every moment. I viewed all the events as a professional case, and that gave me the strength to have a clearer judgment. And also, not to fall into emotional weaknesses, however difficult it might be, especially at times when I purposefully remembered it. Him. His eyes. His movements. His lips. His voice.
I recalled the whole evening – from the beginning to the very end. There was something deeper than what I knew. I was sure. There had to be. The more I thought about the evening, the more strongly I felt about this. Phillip did not get upset with me that night. When he came to my place, he was already distraught. I knew it even then. I could read it in his eyes, in his posture. I felt it on a deeper level. I felt the burden he was carrying. Yes, that was the correct word. He came carrying this enormous burden. Was there something wrong with his grandmother or his company? Lord, how conceited I had been, thinking that the whole world revolved around me and that everyone’s actions were connected solely and entirely to me. The more I thought about that evening in my mind, the more certain I was. Phillip was not himself the moment he entered my flat, he did not have the ease with which we usually communicated. He didn’t have that carefree smile. He looked tired. Even abashed. He didn’t eat his dinner at all. All night, he just picked at it and definitely did not pay attention to the conversation. But I was focused on my thoughts, and I did not even try to figure out what was happening to him. Or offer him my support, to comfort him. Yes, I did ask him. Once. But he responded evasively, and that was enough for me not to go on, because already my fears had overtaken me. And nothing else besides them mattered. God, how stupid I was! How frightened I was. When I brought up the issue, when I pointed to him my arguments and expectations, this came on top of everything he had experienced that day. Now, going back, I could see it in his eyes. The weariness of just one more thing that fell on him. He simply refused to face it. It was much easier to resign, endure and leave. But this could not last forever. There was so much love and so much pain in his last kiss. He embraced me and kissed me on the forehead. This kiss seemed like a goodbye then. No! It was not possible that he made this decision at the time. The decision to end it all.
I went over that evening again and again in my mind. I tried to put myself in his shoes in a million different ways. Ranging from feeling insulted by me, to being angry for not supporting him in this difficult situation, to being annoyed that I was looking so far ahead, while our relationship had just become a conscious partnership. In my mind again and again I went over that evening and the way he behaved, but I could not come up with a plausible explanation that could give me a hint as to why he chose to act the way he did. So surprisingly and firmly.
Next came Daniel. He was the closest friend Phillip had in Bulgaria. He had met many people during the time he spent here, but most of them were my acquaintances. And, yes, he was close to some of them. But Phillip was charismatic and could communicate easily even with strangers. This was his magnetism. One of his many charms. But what about Daniel? Daniel was a completely different thing: he shared everything with him. Daniel was the first person to whom Phillip confessed his feelings for me, even before he admitted them to me. The two managed to regain their childhood closeness as if the time they were apart did not matter. Even when Phillip moved to America, they were constantly in touch. Somehow, I knew that even if they did not have a joint venture, they would keep in touch even from a distance. Over the last few months, they had managed to overcome the feelings of anger and hurt that came from the inability of two children to cope with a major change in their lives and a great deal of pain. Now, when they had discovered their friendship again, there was nothing that could keep them apart.
Definitely, I could succeed in getting to the truth with Daniel’s help. Phillip had decided not to say goodbye to me. He had even decided not to share his intentions with me. He even refused to talk. But I was sure he acted differently towards Danny. I was certain that he would keep in contact with him. And if he had chosen to flee from Bulgaria because of me or something else, I was sure he would not want to lose his best friend for a second time. His dearest friend.
However, Daniel categorically refused to talk to me about this subject. He was as stubborn as a mule. I was convinced that, with the help of my various methods of manipulation and female tricks, I would still be able to get some information. But when I found the strength to tell him how much I really loved Phillip and how sorry I was, how much I wanted to fix things between us, even then, Danny did not soften, I gave up. I cried from my heart in front of Daniel. Something he had never seen me do before. But even then, he did nothing to help me. He just embraced me and told me that as much as he loved me, he loved Phillip too. And even though he did not understand what was happening, he ref
used to interfere in this relationship because he did not know at what precise moment and in what way he could unknowingly hurt me or him. So, I should not ask him for anything else related to Phillip, because these were our state of affairs, and theirs were something entirely different. Danny was ready to give me his support, but not to interfere. I understood him. But I also saw the confusion in his eyes. He didn’t know much more than I did. Even though he knew some details like when Phillip took his decision, the time of his flight, his actions and intentions, I had the premonition that that was all he knew. He said Phillip had told him about our fight, but not in detail. I could see that. So, I just decided to leave him alone. It was not fair to make him choose between me and Phillip, to try to manipulate him to get a grain of information. As much as I wanted to unravel this story, this was not the way. It was not fair to Danny. And he was my best friend. So, I decided to let things be.
It was then that I realized I could do nothing. I was making one guess or another and vice versa. I had not made any progress. It was a week since Phillip had left. And I was not myself. I forgot to eat, I did not go to work, I did not answer my phone. I could not think of anything except the mistake I had made. I struggled between finding a rational explanation and blaming myself for my stupidity, my hastiness, my lack of sensibility, my lack of support and for listening to my girlfriends. And they kept on calling, but I did not want to talk to anyone. I did not want to discuss with anyone what had happened. I considered that talking about the situation would lead to even greater problems, even more difficulties. I felt that talking about the situation was another betrayal of Phillip. I was living in my own world. A world of memories of bygone love, of perseverance in the belief that everything was not over, of guilt for the mistakes I had made, of illusions that everything would be fine in an instant, or that I would simply wake up from this nightmare.
I Choose You, Love Page 13