I Choose You, Love

by Aleona de Kama

  Yes, many things happened in the past year. I was changed in many ways. I changed my direction, I changed my priorities. Several times. I was lost. I stood still. I fell. I got up. Then I was motionless again. From fear or excitement. Sometimes I did not want to keep going because I was fine where I was at that moment. I felt contented. But I knew I had to experience many other things, so I got up and kept going. Yes, sometimes it was difficult, sometimes lonely, sometimes I felt like it was dangerous and I was afraid. But I kept going. I learned my lessons and received my rewards. The good memories during the year prevailed over the bad ones. And looking back now, I can find something positive even in the worst times. I had definitely become a person able to see light even in the darkest hour. Once I was just the opposite type – I looked for faults where there were none. I would like to think that everything in this life is a matter of choice. And then, at one point in my life, I realized that I wanted to be happy and how I lived my life depended entirely on me. So, I chose to be happy.

  Very little time had passed since I had found out about Phillip and the marriage proposal, and since I had written the angry letter. I was not yet ready to look at the entire story and him with grace. The grace with which I had to close this chapter of my life. I had made considerable progress in understanding that I should be tolerant. But still, it was hard for me to smile, remembering the beautiful moments we had shared together: I still hurt, I was still disappointed, insulted by the betrayal. I needed more time, I needed to love and care for myself most of all. I needed to become a priority at last; not my job, not my friends or anything else.

  It was New Year. I had a wonderful holiday with all my close friends. A magical start of a magical year. I hoped! But when I sat down to write my wishes and goals for the coming year, the only thing that echoed in my mind was that I had to take care of myself, to be more attentive to my needs, to love and to give support. The time for me had come. It was time to realize that I could not be so irresponsible as to expect someone else to take care of me and my happiness. Yes, the more this thought formed in my head, the greater my conviction in it became. It was time to put myself first, to start listening more to myself, to start fulfilling my own desires, not someone else’s. To spend more time and energy getting to know myself better and finding out what really made me happy, what I wanted to achieve in my life and what I did not want to have in it at all. It was time to stop expecting something from someone, stop blaming my partners or parents, or the circumstances because events did not happen as I had planned. It was time to look towards the direction I wanted to take. I had always been energetic, I had always been responsible, but now I realized that these qualities were qualities which I displayed only in my professional life. On a personal level, I had allowed myself to drift downstream and had let circumstances determine my actions, I had complained more instead of taking things into my own hands. Yes, on a personal level I had a lot to learn. And if in the past year I had managed to sort things out professionally, so that I had the freedom of my time, now it was time to turn to my personal life. It was time to stop hiding, to decide what I wanted, and to concentrate my energy and efforts on that.

  Even just ordering the plan in my head uplifted my mood and I was ready to start the new year with much more energy and enthusiasm than the previous one had ended. I was ready to leave everything useless in the past, to make room for new people, new experiences and shared emotions, for newly found love. At that moment I realized that I could not end my story with Phillip this way. It was not like me. I had never been a coward, but I had never been an annoyed criticizer either. I always took responsibility for my actions and choices. And to get involved in the love affair with Phillip was my own decision, but the last letter I sent him was anything but accepting this responsibility. Yes, he had done me wrong on every count. But these were his decisions, and sooner or later he would pay for them. I had nothing to do with that. I was responsible for my decisions and I had no guilty conscience. I was not quite ready to forgive him. More so, I was repulsed by the idea of carrying this burden the entire year, which I wanted to be the best in my life so far. I was filled to the brim with enthusiasm and the thrill of novelty, and I thought this was the best time to write a last letter to Phillip, to finally close this chapter of my life and to move on.

  He never responded to my previous letters, nor did he try to contact me. But that did not matter. I did not know whether he had received even one of the letters at all, I did not know if he had read them. Perhaps he had decided to act like a coward once again, even after reading them. But that did not really matter. These letters helped me, not him. Through them I poured out the ocean of emotions that would otherwise have remained buried deep inside and rubbed salt into my wounds. Putting down on paper all those unspoken things, I helped myself to get through this stage of my life. It helped me to move on, to forgive myself, to forgive him too. It helped me to close that chapter that would otherwise have remained open and would have reminded me of both the good and the bad. When I learned about the engagement, negative emotions overwhelmed me with their intensity. And negative emotions are rooted in our hearts more easily and they are more resilient than positive ones. They ruin our confidence and courage with ease, they corrupt our faith in goodness and love, imprison us behind high walls of fear. Walls that create a false sense of security. But in reality, they make us even more vulnerable, because we see danger everywhere. So, at a certain point we become people who are afraid of our own shadows. I refused to lead such a life. I refused to be a coward, a cynic. I refused to renounce the goodness and beauty that were everywhere and in every person, just because I was afraid of getting hurt. I refused to shift my focus from hope to despair. Yes, that was a choice I made.

  Phillip did not answer any of my letters. But it did not matter, because now I acted motivated by my own wellbeing and no one else’s. And if this last letter made me feel better, it really did not matter if he would read it or not. Even if he read it, I did not care about his reaction. I had no control or influence over someone else’s reactions, behavior and decisions. I was sure of my own. So, I sat down and wrote everything that still remained in my heart concerning Phillip – my greatest love. Until now.

  ’Hello, Love!

  This makes me smile. Not ever could I call you by this sweet name. But now, when I sit down to write this letter, I feel the desire to call you by that appellation. The previous letter was an exception. Indeed, at the time I used a few new epithets for you. Anyhow, you deserved them.

  You know me, I was never soft-spoken, especially when it concerned you. But all that I have learned astonished me. Perhaps, shocked is a better word. But the truth is that I still love you. I was hurt, I was crushed. I was a total wreck. Yet I picked myself up and moved on. For sure, a lot of time would have to pass before I could say with firm conviction: ‘I have forgiven you, I have forgiven myself too.’

  But even now, I am able to look back at all those beautiful, magical moments which we had together and feel all the feelings that overwhelmed me. All thanks to you. You were the best thing in my life. I never did understand what actually happened and why you acted that way. And I don’t really care anymore. I don’t want excuses for your action, nor do I want to keep on blaming you. This is how you perceived reality, and this is how you decided to proceed. Above all, I would like to tell you where I stand.

  It’s true, in spite of everything I cannot forgive you, but I am thankful that, despite the pain, I still remember the love as well. And it will remain in my heart forever. You meant the world to me. In no time, you managed to reach the deepest and most sacred part of my soul and left a piece of yourself there. I am not sure whether such encounters are karmic, but it doesn’t really matter. It doesn’t matter at all what we call it. I only know that I will cherish the sensation. I will never forget the way my heart pounded when I ran to greet you at the airport. I will never forget how I couldn’t take my eyes off you while you were asleep. I will never forget the to
uch of your lips on my skin, your tender whispers in my ear. I will never forget your strange culinary experiments. I will never forget how you showed me trust when you shared the memory of your father, that time when we were at the lake in the countryside. I will always remember how you showed support every time we talked about the greater things in my life, such as work and family. I will not forget your fervor while you talked about your earlier successes and thus far unrealized dreams. I will never forget your patience towards me and your openness, even if one-sided, during our conversations. I want to believe that, with the exception of that cursed engagement, you were honest with me in every other way. I just feel it was so. I think that one can sense manipulation. I think that, however naïve and in love one is, one can feel the deception. And the way we connected…it was something different altogether. It wasn’t imitation. I know it for sure.

  I can go on questioning why you did it. I can keep on blaming you for betraying me. But the truth is that, while writing this final letter, everything inside of me screams that, in fact, you did not betray me. I am not interested in your reasons; they don’t matter at all. What is important are the facts. And I can go on with these facts in front of me. But looking back, I know that every second shared with you was the perfect moment of love. And in love there is no betrayal. In love, there is only acceptance. Unconditional.

  Life can be confusing, though only if you choose to look at it that way. It can be a predicament for some people. For me, it is a delight. I love complicated things, I love to solve them with ease. So, I will always carry you in my heart, forever. No matter what. Simply because I know that it must be so. Moreover, now I can call you “My Love” again and smile because I gave you a piece of me, and you carry it with you even now. You, My Love, are a part of me. I was you. And you were me. Although only for a moment snatched from eternity.

  P.S. I sincerely wish you, My Love, all the happiness in the world – in life, in matrimony, and with the choices you make. We are grown-ups, so there is no point in hiding behind other people’s decisions, quite the opposite – clearly, we have to make our own daringly. Yes, I choose not to hide behind your decision but to shape my own incredible, magical, exciting, fairy-tale-like life. You ought to do the same.’

  This was the end. The end of a letter. The end of a love affair. The end of an era. An era of my life. I could not wait to see what the future had in store for me. I was ready!

  Part Two

  Chapter 23

  Phillip

  It was snowing – In enormous, ragged, sleety flakes. It had not stopped for two days. Everything was covered in snow. It was the second of January and the streets were empty. The entire city was empty. Everyone had escaped from the megapolis and had gone somewhere with their families and relatives: some to southern, warmer latitudes, others to the mountains to enjoy the whiteness of winter, or just for the sake of getting out the place they worked and lived. To change the scenery and get a real feel of the holidays and New Year’s Eve. What about me? I stayed in town. To work. I had no desire for celebrations. I did not want to go on vacation. Two months ago, I had messed up my life so much. Now I preferred to be overpowered by work and not think about pleasant or unpleasant things. The things that happened to me in such a short period of time.

  Dana would not stop calling me. That made me even more irritable. I knew that she was not to blame for the mess I was in, but still, I could not look her in the eye. I could not stay for more than an hour with her in the same room, let alone go on holiday just the two of us. That was far beyond my capability at this point. I needed time. I needed space. To re-examine my thoughts, to calm down, to prioritize my goals.

  Once again, the phone vibrated on the wooden desk surface. Jesus, how I wanted to chuck it away! Why wouldn’t she leave me alone, even for a second! I wanted to escape far, far away. But I had no choice.

  ‘Hello, Dana!’

  ‘Phillip, what’s happening? Why aren’t you answering?’

  ‘I had a conference call.’

  ‘With whom? Everyone’s on holiday.’

  ‘Dana, is there a problem? Why are you calling me? I don’t see any point in discussing my professional engagements, seeing as you’ve never been interested in them before. How are you?’

  ‘I’m alright. I’m lonely. This is the first time we’ve been able to spend the holidays together and I don’t see you at all. Except when it is compulsory, such as the dinners at your grandma’s, because you can’t escape.’

  ‘I’m not trying to escape.’

  ‘Really?!’

  Silence. On both sides. Tension growing between us. But I didn’t want to treat her that way. Especially now.

  ‘Look, dear, I’m really tired and I want to go home. But there are some important projects starting this year, as I already explained, and I want to go over all the details again. I am much more productive and concentrated now at the office when it is so quiet and peaceful, and I want to take advantage of the situation. You get some rest. We have all the time in the world to spend together.’

  ‘I know, I know. Sorry! I don’t know what came over me. But I’m edgy and I have the feeling that you prefer to be somewhere else instead of here with me. I feel insecure and cling to you even more. I know it’s silly. I love you!’

  ‘Get some rest now! See you soon! Bye!’

  ‘Bye-bye!’

  I could not bring myself to say “I love you”. And I was certain that sooner or later she would be annoyed about this. I wasn’t sure what I would tell her when she asked me directly why I did not tell her “I love you” back. I did everything that was expected of me, but to tell her that I loved her was something I could not do. Even for me it was unthinkable to be so false-hearted.

  And I had dreamt of this moment so many times…long ago. In the past. The moment when finally, she would be ready to make her choice. To choose me at last and for us to spend the rest of our lives together. Jesus, life mocks us sometimes! No, not life. We make the decisions and we choose the life we want to have. I had everything only a few months ago. I had my motherland, I had my best friend, my work in progress and the most wonderful feeling shared with the woman who made me feel like I was floating in the sky. I had Her. I came to know the love that comes once in a lifetime. And in an instant, I lost everything. Now I had no choice but to imagine how we would have spent these snowy days if we were still together. How I would be caressing her tender body, drowning in her eyes, in her love.

  I hit the desk with my fist. I had no right to look back. I had no right to do this to myself. There was no point. The decision was made. I had made it personally. So, the manly thing to do was to learn to live with the consequences. I was brought up this way and this was what I was going to do.

  Chapter 24

  My life had turned at 180-degrees. Not the daily grind, though, which was pretty much the same. My life did not change that much, but the way I perceived it. I had changed. My daily routine was very hectic – I got up at five, went for a jog in the park, and was at the office at seven. Then I had chores, meetings and discussions throughout the day. One after the other, almost without a pause. I had not been so demanding on the team for a long time. I did not even go out for lunch, but I ordered food in the office, finished it in fifteen minutes, and then moved on to the next task. Usually, I was in the office until seven, sometimes eight in the evening. Then I went for a swim. I was home at eight at the earliest, but more often at nine o’clock. And several times a week I arranged my schedule so as to have business dinners. In these cases, I came back home at ten or eleven, or even twelve o’clock. I was doing everything I could to spend less time at home with Dana.

  I usually found some excuse to go out on Saturday and Sunday. When my guilty conscience told me that it was time to spend at least one weekend at home, I always felt super tired and did not feel like doing anything.

  I felt frustrated. I realized that my entire behavior was an irrational attempt to escape from the life I myself had c
hosen. It was not like me at all. This was not the way I typically behaved. On the contrary, I had always been angry at people who preferred not to look reality in the eyes and take responsibility for their own actions. Somehow, I managed to convince myself that this was the way to be responsible. But it could not last long. I knew it. And now came the moment when this illusionary world, which I thought I could control, came tumbling down. It was one of those Saturdays when I was working overtime and I returned home unexpectedly, I found Dana crying in the bedroom. My initial reaction was instinctive, I rushed forwards and hugged her:

  ‘Dana, what’s the matter? Are you alright?’

  She was startled to see me. She felt uneasy, dried her tears and went to the bathroom.

  ‘I’m OK. It’s from the hormones.’ I felt convulsions in my stomach from the mere mention of her condition.

  ‘How are you feeling?’

  ‘I feel wonderful.’

  ‘You don’t look it.’

  ‘Phil, I’m fine.’ She came up to me and kissed me and only the mere thought of this action made me freeze like I did so often lately. She started crying again.

  ‘I can’t stand it anymore. Tell me what’s going on. Is there another woman?’

  ‘What do you mean? How did you come up with this?’

  ‘How?! Ever since we’ve been back together we’ve not had sex. You always come up with ingenious excuses. You don’t call me endearing names anymore. You don’t tell me that you love me. Even if I tell you that I love you, you don’t answer back. When I try to kiss you – the only act of intimacy lately, you freeze as if you are trying to endure a punishment. What the hell is going on?’

  ‘That’s silly. It’s only your imagination. It’s the hormones. Because of the holidays you had to stay alone at home. You know it’s not true and there is a logical explanation for everything.’