I Choose You, Love

by Aleona de Kama

  Tears were rolling down her cheeks and the sobs made it difficult for her to talk. I didn’t know what to say. This was something new for me and it was as if it had changed my perception of the world, my entire mindset. I had always known that my mother was a strong woman, even if only for standing up to Grandma, also a strong woman. But now all this…

  ’And last, my boy, I know that you have been close to death and you think about it a great deal. But nonetheless, I would like to tell you this: no one knows what will happen tomorrow. No one knows that will happen when we turn the corner. We have to live now, for the moment because the cliché that there is no tomorrow is true. The biggest mistake that ruins everything is not following our heart in the name of responsibility.’

  She handed over to me two envelopes and several pages, kissed me on the forehead and left the room. I could not move. I was thunderstruck from everything I had heard. There were so many new emotions and thoughts flowing inside of me, awakened by this story. But mostly because I had recognized the handwriting on the opened letter. Megan’s.

  Chapter 38

  Life enjoys playing jokes on us, mocking us, and even insulting us. One moment, you think this is the perfect life and, then in the blink of an eye, you are deprived of everything. This was what happened to my parents and to me as a child. This was what happened to me a second time. I met the most beautiful love, the one I had seen in my parents and had always sought, only to lose it and to be left with this enormous void in my life. Was this karma or fate? What kind of sins did I have to atone for? What was the lesson that I failed to grasp?

  I was at the lake. My lake. Time had stopped. I did not remember how I came to be there. Just in the blink of an eye. I was not scared. Perhaps this was how sleepwalkers felt when they woke up in a strange place. I could not remember meeting anyone on my way or speaking to anyone. It was as if I was in a trance.

  Indeed, life enjoys jeering at us. Checkmate. I had always considered it, although something deep inside opposed the idea of predestination. Something told me deep inside of me that there are no checkmate situations in life. And that everything, apart from death, could be mended. This was what Grandma said too. I could not say why I had tried to subdue this thought till now. I had buried it deep inside and I had thrown over it feelings of duty, responsibility, manhood and whatever.

  I read Megan’s letters. The first time I just glanced over them without understanding the meaning. The second time I began to understand the situation and to put things together. But still I could not repeat a word from them. I kept on reading a third, a fourth time. It was so pleasant because I could feel her close to me. As if I could hear her voice and even touch her. Her words, typical for Megan. The way she structured the sentences. The way she thought. The extremeness of her emotions. It hurt me so much to think how much pain I had caused her. Love. Pain. Forgiveness. This was all Megan. MyMegan. She was real, prime and open. Painfully sincere.

  Once she had told me something that still rang in my ears: you have the right to look down at people only if you are helping them to get up. Yes, we ought to live like human beings. We do not have the right to judge others, we do not have the right to be condescending. But we like doing this so much. Until now, I had been certain that Megan would never forgive me. I realized that in fact it was I who could not forgive myself for what I had done. For not even saying goodbye. I knew how she felt about commitment. I knew how difficult it was for her to trust me and the moment she did, I fled without any explanation. This was mean and ugly. Therefore, I could not forgive myself and felt guilt, shame and anger. While Megan had lived through all these emotions and had found a way to cope with them. So much as to write a letter and to forgive me. She was tolerant and patient. Not always, but every time it was of importance and when I needed it. I loved these qualities in her and they comforted me. They balanced me. Megan could always sense my moods, when I was irritable, angry, even before I could, and she would always find a way to distract me and relax me. She motivated me not to judge others by my own, sometimes narrow-minded, criteria but to accept the things which I did not understand. This was difficult, but with her help I could do it.

  This was yet another example in which she had found the strength to carry on. I could not be certain whether she had forgiven me. Perhaps she needed more time. But the important thing was that she had decided to accept what had happened and to move on. For sure, she had no idea what was going on, but she had accepted things as they were. My sweet, little, strong Megan!

  Indeed, Megan was a strong woman, my mother was a strong woman, my grandmother was a strong woman. I had always been surrounded by strong women. Again, I remembered the last part of my grandma’s monologue: ‘Never forsake your heart because of duty.’ She was so right! This was exactly what I was doing. And now I knew the true story about my mother and her choice…back then in Bulgaria. What had Grandma had in mind when she said that they were in trouble? What did my grandpa do? What had to be done, so that they could escape to America? I had always thought that we had won our right to live in America another way. This knowledge changed things completely! Yet again in the blink of an eye my entire world had turned upside down. Now I looked at my grandmother differently, my mother too, my father and the choices they had made over the years. I saw in a different light my grandmother’s guilt regarding my mother and her attitude towards me. How could an event that occurred such a long time ago, and had nothing to do with me, change everything? My entire approach to life and the way I looked at situations around me. Once again, I came to believe that there is no universal truth, but only so many truths as there are people involved in a given situation. There are as many truths as there are viewpoints.

  So many things had depended on my mother at the time and she’d had to carry such a great burden on her shoulders. What could have been the consequences from her decision? I did not know the circumstances but, regardless, she had chosen love. And I was so stupid. I was so blind. Was it true that what I had done was the only solution? Was it true that there were no other options? How was I not able to see that I was ruining my life. That by choosing another person, distant from my heart, in fact I was killing all the chances of happiness. I had chosen to be responsible. I had chosen the baby that I had unintentionally conceived. This could not be an excuse. Could I live with a woman that I did not love? Let alone now, knowing that somewhere far away, there was this girl that meant the world to me, and gave meaning to my life. I could be responsible towards my own child and give it everything it needed. But could this child feel happy when I was doing everything possible to stay away from home, because it did not feel like “home” to me even with the baby and I tried to run away? What did I do? What was I thinking?

  I continued to rewind all the possibilities in my head and the choice I had made. And the one which Megan made when she was surrounded by fears and was ready to flee from me and end it all. There were so many barriers between us and love. There were so many fences, stereotypes, old painful memories, the fear of being hurt again. We prefer to make so many other choices and not choose the only true one – love. What do we lack? Faith? Courage? Too much reason and too little feeling? Trust? I didn’t know the answer. But I felt strongly that the only way is the way of the heart. I choose you, love! I will always choose you, forever and ever!

  Chapter 39

  Megan

  ‘I can’t stand it anymore. Honestly!’

  ‘Megan, stop being such a drama queen. You sound as if you haven’t been out on a date in thirty years. It hasn’t been so long since he came along…gee, I’m sorry, it just slipped out of my mouth.’

  ‘Chill out, Cate. We don’t have to pretend as if he never existed and that he was not part of my life. And not to mention his name, although perhaps it’s best not to do it yet. I still can’t bring myself to say it out load.’

  ‘I’m so sorry!’

  ‘Don’t be stupid. He was an enormous part of my life. Perhaps we were not together for such
a long time, but it felt as if we lived in a parallel universe and time followed different laws. I really felt as if I hadn’t been with another man in thirty years.’

  ‘Lucky you don’t look as old as you feel.’

  ‘Ha-ha-ha. I don’t feel that old. On the contrary, I feel even more beautiful and sexy.’

  ‘That’s the way I like you.’

  ‘I don’t know what’s wrong with men nowadays. I’ve been on several dates now – three, maybe four times. I don’t even want to remember the first one. Let’s pretend it never happened. I’ll kill Daniel for his suggestions.’

  ‘I was shocked when I found out that you had agreed to go out with Danny’s friend. His tastes have always been strange. Regarding everything!’

  ‘Obviously, I was quite desperate. Do you think I’m ready? Do you think…am I doing it out of spite?’

  ‘Stop reasoning, Megan. You’re constantly analyzing things. I’m sure men don’t worry so much. They live here and now, and they say that we are the ones that read esoteric books. How did this happen?’

  ‘Our brains operate differently and in a more complex way.’

  ‘I have no idea how your brain works, but my brain needs a break. Why do you have to ask yourself so many questions? You’ll find out if you are ready when the time comes, and if you are, you will dive into romantic and loving thrills, and intimate adventures. If not, you will most probably run away and slam the door in someone’s face. So, what? How many times have we heard these excuses from men? That’s life. Bad timing.’

  ‘Why should I experiment with myself? Or with another, unsuspecting human being?’

  ‘Because our whole life is one big experiment. And, believe me, everyone deserves what’s coming to them. It is not by chance that you would go on a date right now, when you don’t feel ready. Our professional and personal lives are so mixed up that we don’t know what we are doing. We manipulate through communication, decorum, body language, time management, proactiveness, planning and prognosis. Stop! We shouldn’t live life this way, I’m sure of it. Even when we go on holiday we plan everything to the smallest detail, as if we are at work. This is not natural. We have the right to be free, free of all responsibilities and restrictions. So, live and experiment more. You need to stop with your great expectations and stop thinking things over again and again. And then, you might be surprised by the good things that happen to you. Just like that, without planning and organizing them in advance.’

  ‘I’m not sure whether I need something good happening to me or just a long holiday.’

  ‘There it is, you’ve started giving answers to your own questions.’

  ‘Lately, I’ve been thinking about making a journey like last year. I can afford it and I do need it.’

  ‘Listen to me, Megan. I don’t want to influence you and I really don’t know how, because you’re so pig-headed, but I’m obligated to tell you: that journey was an escape. You needed a change because you had a rope around your neck and you didn’t need a push because you were ready to hang yourself. You had totally lost your balance. We all tried to tell you, but you refused to listen. In fact, that escape helped you cut the rope loose. But only partially. It showed you that life is many-faced and various and there are so many things to live for. It also showed you that we have limited time to experience it all. We all waste so much time at work. This is modern-day life. I figure that it is wasteful and ungratifying, but we do it by choice too. You went beyond all boundaries. Well, something happened and you couldn’t handle it, so you ran away. It was neither a short nor a long escape. But you had to live through your catharsis in order to find your own answers for the transformation. I believe you made the right decision then; a step towards the balance I’m talking about. This is why the universe awarded you with not just one or two things – but abundantly. You grew in so many ways, there is no need to mention them. But, honey, you cannot run away every time there is an obstacle. Because while you’re hiding somewhere, life continues.’

  ‘Cut it out, Catherine, you are not the person to talk about babies and weddings and my biological clock that’s ticking.’

  ‘Gee, I’ve no intention of doing it! You know very well that I like to enjoy life. I’m not talking about babies, I’m talking about choices. I’m not telling you not to go, but it is important to know your motives about why you are doing it.’

  ‘My heart aches even as you say it.’

  ‘This is the second time today you’ve answered your own questions. But let’s stop here. I think you get it. Tell me, why didn’t you like the guy?’

  ‘Why didn’t I like him? There was nothing to like. Come to think of it… I’m not looking for something to like in men. I just notice the things I dislike. I don’t go out with these men to like them, but to prove to myself that they are not for me, and of course, I succeed. Perhaps even if Brad Pitt asked me out now I would find faults in him too. Even now I can think of a few. Poor guys! I’m so awful.’

  ‘Don’t be so hard on yourself. You just need more time. It’s natural.’

  ‘Do you think I should keep on dating then?’

  ‘I think that you think too much. I also think that you should answer these questions yourself and not seek the advice of crazy women like me. We all have our methods, our own troubles and problems.’

  ‘You’re so right. And you’re all so broken.’

  ‘Just a minute, watch it! Easy! I’ve seen a lot. Do I look broken to you?’

  ‘No, you don’t, but I know that you are.’

  ‘Ha-ha-ha, girl, this is just the window you are looking through, and if it seems blurry it doesn’t mean that there is havoc outside; it just hasn’t been cleaned. Yes, I have been broken many times. I’ve been through so many things, both beautiful and ugly. But, thanks to all that, I am what I am today. I have forgiven myself for all the mistakes. I let bygones be bygones and have shaken away the dust. I am a survivor. Am I broken? Can I put together the broken pieces? Yes, I can, because I am not a vase. Wounds heal. And even if they leave a scar to remind us of what we’ve been through, the pain disappears and leaves behind only the experience. The experience of knowing things that make you happy, and those that make you sad. I can choose whether to open up to new happiness and new pain, for sure, or look up and enjoy the sun’s rays on my face and be prepared for when it starts raining again. Or choose to curl up in a heap on the ground and not know when the sun shines because my head is buried in my hands, afraid of the rain. Of course, some day it will rain and I will feel the cold drops, but I would not have enjoyed the playful sun’s rays before that. I would not have felt its warmth before that, so that I could enjoy the rain instead of being afraid of it.’

  ‘You are quite the romantic, Catherine. Are you in love?’

  ‘Yes, I am. In love with life!’

  ‘I love this expression so much. I love you. You’re so inspiring. It’s Cyril on the phone.’

  ‘Who’s Cyril?’

  ‘The guy from yesterday. What should I tell him? I don’t want to see him again and it’s not his fault.’

  ‘Then tell him exactly that. Be honest. Always behave the way that you want others to behave towards you.’

  ‘I hate it when you’re wiser than me.’

  ‘Always!’

  ‘You wish!’

  Chapter 40

  I need a break, not new relationships. I need to find myself again, to have time to think things over. The happy times and the not so happy ones. I stopped blaming Phillip a long time ago. I stopped blaming myself too, or at least not consciously. Perhaps I had a lot of cleaning up to do at a subconscious level, and this prevented me from seeing the goodness in my ex-boyfriends. But it was my life and I liked it.

  Yes, I do need a holiday and I intend to have it. Cathy was right that there was no need to run. Last time my escape changed my entire life, but only because I had time to rest. I had cleared the space around me in order to understand what I really wanted. What made me happy. What were the th
ings I would do with pleasure and not driven by other intentions? Travelling, the places I visited and the people I met helped me learn to trust myself and my intuition. It helped me relax and shake off the suffocating expectations of my family, society, my bosses, even my friends. When I managed to ignore all these false intentions, I finally saw my own. They emerged on the surface easily and with such conviction.

  I had come across great challenges in my life. There were dark and gloomy moments, times of tempestuous winds and rough weather but, despite all this I always felt light and happy. I enjoyed and found beauty even in the strength of trees and plants that withstand the fiercest gales. There were times visiting beautiful places in wonderful, warm, sunny weather, surrounded by nice people but I could not appreciate it. I could not appreciate the beauty surrounding me, even the simple beauty of the sun’s rays, or the smiles on people’s faces. The simple beauty of being alive. I had been through all these things and I learned to survive even after the darkest periods. Like the last one, when I didn’t want to close my eyes at night because I could see his eyes, I could hear his voice. I didn’t want to leave my mind unoccupied because I always kept thinking of the things we did together.