I survived all this. I am not saying that I was over it, quite the opposite. I still dreamt of him often. I still woke up with my pillowcase wet with tears. I cried at night because I did not allow myself to cry when I was awake. I knew perfectly well that this was wrong and only hid emotions deep inside of me, but regardless, I did not have the strength to face…him. I was not ready. I had stopped blaming and analyzing him a long time ago. I accepted what had happened as being part of life. We don’t always understand the things that befall us. Our minds stubbornly dwell on them, and we feel confused and not at ease, unable to grasp things. The mind wants explanation, and continuity of events. It needs logic to accept and understand events, but very often we do not get it and we have to tell our minds to calm down and trust our hearts. I have not reached this level of understanding, but I found another solution; to divert myself so that I do not dig deep inside my feelings, unprepared for what I would find there. I distract myself in order to keep calm. I direct my thoughts towards things that are clear and simple and not so obscure. Sometimes it was easy but sometimes it was not, and at this point came the role of good friends on whom to rely: to sit down and cry, to blame men for everything, to reassure ourselves that we are strong, and that good things are waiting for us around the corner. To make plans for voyages and parties, short dresses and stilettos, thrilling fun or simply being crazy, like going to the mall in a swimsuit, holding a tall glass of champagne, wearing high heels. That is what friends are for, to cry and laugh together.
I passed through all the phases after HIM. So fast that even I was surprised. I’m not saying that I had passed the psychological and emotional shock after such a sudden separation, realizing that the man I had fallen in love with was most probably in a relationship. I was not out of the mud, but I had found a way to get through it without drowning.
Perhaps it was too early for dating other men; maybe I wasn’t ready for that yet and I had to rest. The last few months I was preoccupied with my work and had one year’s workload to catch up on. So now it was time for a well-deserved break.
I could have gone to the countryside or somewhere else. There are so many beautiful spots in Bulgaria. Or perhaps an exotic destination, the Philippines or the Maldives. No way! These places would depress me even more. They were too romantic for a single person. I could have gone skiing. Danny and Lilly were going skiing in Austria in a few weeks from now or sooner. I could try to join them, if it wasn’t too late. But I didn’t want to be the third wheel in the relationship with my best friends. I needed to go somewhere alone. Anywhere. No romantic places. I had to choose a destination and leave immediately. But not for a long time, this was not an escape but a restart.
I had one more date. I had promised to meet this guy and there was no reason to put it off. The last couple of weeks I had met with several men and I realized that my goal had been not to meet someone that I liked, but totally different. Anything but that.
Then I declined Cyril’s invitation, the guy that I had dated last, but was surprised by his reaction when he called me again a few days later. He told me that he understood, and that he had expected such an answer because he felt that I wasn’t ready. He hoped he was wrong, but, alas, he proved to be right. I was really surprised. I was not used to men using the word “feel”. HE spoke in this manner. And now I realized that there were other men like HIM. I had no idea that men felt the same way as women. I thought that they were much more reserved. Perhaps I was wrong all that time. Cyril, whom I had met only once, has sensed my emotions. He understood that I was not ready. No, I was not ready, but I realized it only after he had told me. It was obvious that I was refusing to look deep inside my emotions. But better late than never, so I was sincere with him and so was he. We wished each other all the best and hung up. I felt much more at ease after that conversation. I did not try to manipulate him. I did not tell him nonsense that women usually do with the intention of not hurting men’s feelings. Recently a friend of mine had told me that they could feel more than we could imagine, and that we hurt them more by lying to them, instead of being honest. She is one of the few friends with a long-term relationship – a long and happy one. I should pay more attention to the things she says.
So, I had one more date, again with a friend of a friend. Perhaps I should have cancelled it, but why not make another attempt now, when I knew that I was intentionally looking for faults in men, I would not try to break the model and just enjoy a nice evening in pleasant company. No commitments, no second thoughts.
Chapter 41
‘Honestly, I thought you would be prettier.’
‘Excuse me?!’
‘I’m joking! How do you do. Sorry, but this is one of the best moments on first dates. I enjoy seeing the face of a woman when she hears these words. So sweet!’
‘An interesting way to enjoy yourself.’
‘The night is still young.’
‘I am not sure that I will stay that long.’
‘Ha-ha-ha, don’t worry, you’ll enjoy it too. I promise.’
‘You’re are very confident to promise me this. Honestly, I expected you to be much taller.’
‘Nice try!’
‘I’m not joking.’
‘So, there is at least one thing that you find disappointing in me.’
‘And I’ll like all the rest on the checklist?’
‘Yes, you will.’
‘I have strange criteria for men.’
‘I know, it’s obvious. That’s is why I’m saying that I’ll meet all of them.’
‘Ha-ha-ha. What a nice start. I’m in for an interesting evening at least.’
‘Thank you.’
‘Gee, how annoyingly confident you are! Do you know that communication is a two-way process – whether successful or not.’
Martin. In fact, he was the perfect height I liked in a man. And he was quite cute. Nice smile, green eyes, dark, tall, well dressed. Wow, only things to like so far! For our date he had chosen one of my favorite restaurants. Small, cozy, unique cuisine, good service. A bouquet was waiting for me on the table. Quite the gentleman?! Hmm. There must be something wrong with him. The voices in my head started feeling uncomfortable because they desperately wanted to find faults and couldn’t. This time I decided not to yield. There was no need to make a quality assessment of the guy. Of course, what I had to do was to have fun, to relax and to spend an evening in the company of my new acquaintance. Martin.
‘You have a nice name. What do your friends call you?’
‘Marto or Marty, but you can call me “Love”.’
The moment I heard him say it, I felt sick inside. He had touched a memory so painful that I didn’t want to remember. I excused myself and went to the restroom. Very childish of me. As if I was a teenager, sixteen years of age and this was the first time someone spoke lovingly to me. I knew that he just wanted to break the ice. It had worked well for him so far. We were already eating dessert and I hardly noticed time pass. But regardless, I was on the verge of a panic attack. For nothing serious at that. Why? Why? Why? Megan? Why do you allow yourself to spoil a wonderful evening? Don’t do it! Calm down. Breathe!
I splashed my face with cold water and started to calm down a bit. I understood what was happening. I had spent a pleasant evening in the company of a pleasant man. It was nice and I was glad to have the chance to repeat the experience. We talked about so many things. Martin was intelligent, positive, very funny and quite a successful man. He was self-assured and made me feel at ease. But the moment he said “Love”… This was what I used to call Phillip. My mind was beginning to tell me that I should like this guy and should get close to him. This could lead again to the same pain I was trying to forget. This thought stung me deeply and I wanted to run away through the window of the restroom, instead of going back to the table. To the table where I might experience something unpleasant.
Right there I decided to say “no more”. I realized that I didn’t have the right to behave in this way. I was no
t a coward. Maybe I was still not ready for such a speedy development of things but, at the same time, it was so immature to run away from such pleasant male company. The only thing I had to do was to make him understand that I didn’t want things to develop so fast. And at this stage it might be even better not to see him for a while.
I left the restroom with a ready speech in my mind to recite when I noticed that our table was empty. Hah! I had wanted to escape from his company, but he’d escaped from me. This was something new for me! I didn’t see this coming!
Suddenly, I saw him standing at the door, laughing out loud at my reaction. Probably I was staring at the empty table with the same expression on my face as when we met. There he stood, hand covering his mouth, trying to hide his smile, and I could not deny it that he was damn sexy. Just for an instant.
I walked towards him and said nothing. He helped me with my coat like the real gentleman he had proved he could be for the entire evening.
‘I might want to order something else.’
‘I don’t think so. When I said “Love”, you ran away and I thought you weren’t coming back. I am willing to bet that if you were not so full, you would have tried to climb out of the window. In other words, I was in a quandary as to whether to wait for you here and enjoy yet another shocked face or to go outside and wait for you under the toilet window, while filming your escape.’
I felt shamed. When did men become so observant? Everything he uttered was the absolute truth. At the same time, it was so funny that I could not help myself and burst out laughing.
‘I was midway through the window when I remembered that I was wearing my favorite coat. I feared that you would use it as a bait, so I decided to come back,’ I said, and took his hand on our way out.
‘Do you have a ride?’
‘No, I came by taxi.’
‘Great! Come on then, I’m parked over there.’
‘Maybe I prefer to get a cab.’
‘Really, I’d be driving my car and you would be behind me in a cab? Not very efficient.’
‘Why are you so sure that we would be going the same way?’
‘Because the best part of the evening is yet to come. I want to show you something.’
‘I sincerely hope you’re not asking me for a nightcap. I expect you to be more original than that.’
‘No, I’m not. My parents are already sleeping, I can’t disturb them… Ha-ha-ha! It’s too much. How can you take the bait each time? But the expression on your face is priceless, and I can’t make myself stop with these silly jokes. Don’t worry, I’m not a thirty-year-old man living with his mother.’
‘You’re awful!’
‘No, I’m not. If it weren’t for me, we would have been bored to death. You don’t have a great sense of humor. I hope you’ve been told this before.’
‘That’s not true!’
‘You mean to say that no-one has ever told you that and you’ve lived all your life in ignorance. You are indebted to me for opening your eyes. In the future, don’t try to impress strangers with your sense of humor. Do it with some other quality, for example…something different.’
‘Ha-ha-ha, you really are terrible! Could you at least compliment me once tonight and try to be nice?’
‘Sorry, I don’t like pretending.’
I pushed him aside slightly, attempting to make him hit a sign we were passing. I felt like I was twelve with Martin. His company was light and pleasant. I wanted to see what he was planning to show me, so I let him lead on. We passed by a 24/7 shop. He entered and asked me to wait for him in the car. Not long after that we parked in front of an office building in downtown Sofia. This was one of the new office buildings. It was quite tall, towering above the older, more classical architecture. Access was only with a card, which he had. There was security too. We entered. The security guards only greeted us, did not stop us or ask us where we were going but just let us pass through. First, I thought that there must be a restaurant or a bar at the top or a members’ only club. But in fact, it was just an office building. We went up to the top floor, passed by several open space offices and went out onto the terrace. The view was spectacular. I was speechless.
Not because I had never seen such views before. I had been on several skyscrapers in my time, with even more spectacular views than night-time Sofia. But everything that was happening that night was so fast, so unexpected, and this played an important part in the last impressions the evening had to offer. There were several gas lamps on the terrace, I presume for the smokers. Marty lit two on both sides. The night wasn’t cold, but this made the atmosphere perfect. He took out a bottle of champagne and plastic cups, crackers and jellybeans.
‘Didn’t they have any chocolates?’ I laughed.
‘I love jellybeans. I will have the pleasure to learn about your tastes in the future, if you will allow me. I brought you here not to impress you, but because it gives me pleasure. And because I have no idea what you like, I bought the things I love.’
‘Very selfish of you.’
‘I would say practical. Don’t you like jellybeans? Everyone loves them.’
‘I’ve never tried them with champagne.’
‘Me neither. Here, try.’
He handed one towards my mouth. I could have taken it with my mouth. It was not such a show of intimacy and he did it so casually, so that it looked much more like a friendly gesture than a sign of closeness. I took the jellybean in my hand. To an onlooker, it might have seemed like an awkward situation, but Marty did not react at all.
‘You see, it’s a perfect combination. We should not be afraid of new things. Sometimes we don’t know what we are missing.’
I didn’t say anything. I was not sure whether he was talking about the jellybeans or something else. My sick subconscious was twisting all his words and sentences.
‘I love to come here at night. It’s so…peaceful.’
‘It’s beautiful.’
Martin looked at me. I saw him with peripheral vision. I smiled and turned towards him.
‘What?’
‘You are beautiful.’
I was silent again. This man was pushing me from one extremity towards another. One moment we were joking as if we were high school pupils, the next he provoked me at a purely intellectual level, and subsequently – he was silent and then out of the blue he told me, ‘You are beautiful.’ I blushed. I felt pleased and slightly confused at the same time. I was getting tipsy already and didn’t know how to respond. I was tired of the witty repartee and preferred to let him take the lead. He also fell silent.
‘How come you have access here? Do you work here?’
‘You could say that. The security guard is a friend of mine.’
‘Do you bring women here often?’
‘No, I don’t. This is the first time. It just occurred to me. But I often come here alone.’
‘Is this one of those tricks where you try to make the woman feel special and exceptional?’
‘Megan, I have no intention of trying to make you feel any way. I enjoy being with you. And I am simply sharing this moment. If you feel the same, that’s great. I don’t have any other intentions. I’m thirty-four years old, but I’ve experienced so many things in life that I have the feeling that I’m much older. I stopped trying to impress people a long time ago. This is a mistake that people without confidence make. This is not one of my flaws, as you might have noticed already.’
‘In that case, thank you for sharing with me this beautiful place and this interesting gourmet meal,’ I replied, and placed a jellybean in my glass and drank all the champagne that was in it, sweet and all.
‘I should thank you! Next time I will bring chocolates, because I understand you like them, and several bottles of champagne. At the rate you drink, I don’t think that one bottle would be enough.’
‘Ha-ha-ha, why are you so sure that there will be a second date?’ I asked, and gently nudged him on the shoulder.
Chapter 42
‘What are you doing over the national holiday? There are some days off.’
A week had passed since my date with Martin. I had not heard from him since then. Frankly speaking, I had expected that he would text me the very next day. I did expect it and was ready to oppose him, to find excuses for not wanting to start a relationship with him, for not wanting to see him again; for not being ready. Well, but he didn’t text me. Nor the next day, nor the day after that.
We had a really good time on our first date. At least, I had a good time. And he did say that he had not taken any other girls there onto the terrace, therefore he must have had a good time too. We did laugh a great deal and stayed until very late. He never tried to kiss me. Not for a second. He mocked me several times for trying to escape from the restaurant. At one time he even said that he didn’t want anything from me, apart from what I was willing to give him and that it was unnecessary to take steps that would make both of us uncomfortable. Then suddenly he changed the subject and didn’t give me time to process his words, to analyze and contradict them. He proved to be a very clever man.
It was true that we had a good time and I expected him to call me. I had even decided already to blow him off politely. But he didn’t call at all. This definitely surprised me. I even felt a bit annoyed. I was sure that he would get in touch with me; he didn’t even comment on the evening. He disappeared totally. And if I was absolutely sure that I would not go out with him again because I was not ready, consequently I changed my opinion. The more time passed, the more I realized that in fact I really liked Martin and that I really wanted him to call me. And suddenly, a week later he came out with the question ‘what are you doing during the holiday?’ Quite unexpectedly.
‘Hello, Martin! I’m fine, thank you. How are you?’
I Choose You, Love Page 25