I Choose You, Love

by Aleona de Kama

  ‘Megs, Love, let’s talk when you’re calmer. I really rushed in like a fool today but let us allow the feelings to subside and see each other in a couple of days to discuss what can be done so that you will feel better and not push things needlessly.’

  ‘I know what I should do!’

  ‘Flee?’

  ‘I’m not fleeing; I’m saving myself from a burning house.’

  ‘The house is not burning. The fire was put out long ago. It still burns only in your head. There is love in this house. A great deal of love. This is your house and you want to abandon it. For what?’

  ‘In order to survive.’ Now she was crying convulsively.

  ‘Megs, don’t do it…’ I said, but she had already hung up before she could hear me.

  I dialed again, although I knew it was pointless. The phone was dead. I was crazy from feeling powerless. I wanted to go to her place. I knew she was still there. But at the same time, I knew Megan so well. The more I pressed, the more she would resist and shut herself off. If I were to go to her flat now, she wouldn’t open the door and would ache even more. I had rushed with the kiss and now I had to pay for it. I should have given her more time to calm down and to figure things out. As much as I wanted to be with her, at times such as this, patience is the best ally. And I intended to follow this advice.

  Chapter 51

  Megan

  Perhaps I was dodging. So what? This was my salvation. It was the only deliverance I saw as possible. I could not stand up to Phillip anymore. He was the stronger of the two of us. He was more persistent, smarter, more imaginative and had more awareness of relationships between people than me. He had decided that we should be together again and was intent on investing all the effort needed to achieve this. The very thought of it caused me pain. I would not withstand such pressure. I wanted to be alone and to make decisions uninfluenced by him. Knowing that he was somewhere out there, close, expecting to see him at the door at any time, would not help me. The only solution was to go away. It didn’t matter where, it didn’t matter for how long. This seemed to be the perfect plan.

  It was all I needed. The instant I said “plan”, my mind relaxed. Now I was able to focus on a strategy, consistency of steps, an agenda, so that I could get organized as soon as possible. I excelled at this. I turned off the emotional part of my consciousness and switched on the rational part one hundred percent. I was in control again. I had the control in my hands and, hence, the fears had subsided. They subsided, but did not disappear. I sensed how they were waiting and lurking like evil spirits, just waiting for the right moment to devour me. But I endeavored not to grant them such an opportunity.

  I spent the weekend in search of a destination. I wrote to several tourist agencies, looking for accommodation, and travel routes. My previous trip had been to a faraway destination. I had visited many places, all on different continents. This time I didn’t want to go that far. It was enough to be away from Bulgaria, but the location should be kept a secret from everyone. I looked at all the interesting places in Europe. Not only the capitals and large famous cities, but also smaller and not so well known towns and villages. I read a great number of travel guides and recommendations for off-the-tourist route destinations. I gathered information on various interesting events, such as festivals, carnivals and traditional gatherings that seemed intriguing. I made a plan for the journey, but without any time limits. I wanted to immerse myself in the atmosphere of the place I wanted to visit and to let the sensations of the new place lead and guide me. I was certain that the more time I spent in one place, the more I would be able to meet many new people. And they would recommend other places, not included in my agenda. This was what happened the first time. So, I made a sample itinerary, with provisional destinations, that was flexible and easy to change. I chose the airline, rent-a-car company, and was ready.

  I had come up with the perfect plan for my counterparts. I had always been completely truthful with them in the past, but this time I didn’t want to burden them with my personal drama again. I decided to call this travel trip a professional experience, a chance for inspiration and new ideas. I said that I would get in contact periodically with the offices and managers with whom I had business relations. I would be available for consultations if any queries should arise and would keep track of the business development. I was intent on starting work on a new fashion collection that would be entirely different from my previous creations. This explanation fitted perfectly for my business partners, family and friends. At the same time, it sounded like an excellent idea. Travelling would inspire me for my new collection and I could even come up with an idea about how to present it in an interesting manner. The level was raised high from my first fashion-show and the expectations were for something even more spectacular, which at this particular moment seemed impossible, even for me.

  Naturally, my bosses welcomed my proposal with open arms. I succeeded in presenting the idea in the best possible way. I focused on the dividends to be gained from such activities. At the same time, they trusted me without reservation. Besides, so far there hadn’t been an instance when a project conducted jointly had not proven to be profitable, so they did not have grounds to worry.

  I told my family the same thing. They had always supported me in all my endeavors. They trusted my choices. Even when they expressed notions that I erred, they were more so in the form of thought provoking remarks and not so much curbing proclamations, attributing blame or insecurity in my actions. This was how they acted this time too. They expressed their views for and against, but finally wished me luck. They knew very well that when I had my mind set on something, as was the present case, they could not influence my decision. They put my enthusiasm down to creative inspiration and seeking new professional challenges, which I managed to play in the best possible way and to prevent any unnecessary apprehensions.

  I repeated the well-versed lies for almost a week in order to conceal the true reason for my escape – my fears and search for salvation. In the end, even I started believing in them and convinced myself that it would have a beneficial influence on my business. Only a soft voice struggled to speak in my head: ‘How about your personal life, how will it influence that?’ Skillfully, I managed to muffle it and stubbornly refused to consider this sensible question.

  At the end of the week I had everyone’s approval, at least from those that mattered to me. I had even managed to tell a few of my friends. I didn’t intend to inform Daniel and Lily, knowing that the information would reach Phillip and I could not handle any last-minute setbacks. I was truly surprised how quickly I managed to organize everything. I just had to finish some work projects that I had started earlier and preferred to see through personally. The plan was to depart by the middle of the following week at the latest. Therefore, I decided to spend Saturday evening with my closest friends. I wanted to say “goodbye”, and hug and kiss them before I left, myself not knowing how long I would be away.

  So, the plan was in motion. Almost all the preparations were completed. Most of my favorite girls confirmed they would come to the farewell party on Saturday at one of my favorite restaurants. I liked it for its secluded tables, offering privacy. The atmosphere was suitable for friendly conversation, uninterrupted by strangers. We could laugh, cry, dance and be ourselves.

  Finally, Saturday came round unexpectedly quickly amidst all the preparations. I was excited. I had had no time to think about Phillip the entire week. I had been very busy, and this helped me to erase him completely from my mind. Although he was the root cause of this journey, I was getting more and more excited about the very traveling itself, the adventure, the new places, the inspiration already overflowing. The only reason for the trip that I mentioned to the people I met during the week – bosses, colleagues, family and friends, was creative inspiration and challenge. But I intended to tell the truth to the girls I was meeting tonight. They were my closest friends and I couldn’t keep them in the dark. When friendship is sincere and pu
re, when there is no competition, the connection is strong and the relationship evolves to an emotional and even intuitive level. More than once I have caught myself thinking about one of them, and then a few seconds later she would call. More than once I have tried to conceal or hide something that made me anxious, to say a half-truth or to distort the truth intentionally, and I have been nudged to reveal what I was hiding or concealing. I had the comfort and confidence to be myself in front of them. I could share anything with them without fear of being judged or criticized. Even when we differed in opinion I considered their position more as a different perspective, a different point of view and not an imposition of opinion that I would have to oppose. At a given point, our relationship had become so easy-going that, even when we differed in opinion, this was the most valuable moment, because I knew I could hear different points of view and distinguish the one best suited for me. Regardless of the viewpoint I was going to choose, I knew that in the end I would receive their approval and support.

  ‘This is a surprising occasion for a party. I sincerely hope that the reason is that you miss us and want to see us all together which, unfortunately, happens more rarely nowadays,’ said Catherine upon seeing me enter the restaurant. She was the first to arrive.

  ‘No, dear, it is not fabricated. It is totally real.’

  ‘Well, for sure it’s a surprise. When did you come up with the idea? We saw each other just a couple of days ago and you didn’t even mention it at the time.’

  ‘It’s true I came up with the idea this week and organized it literally in two days. But bearing in mind that I would go traveling across Europe, it is not such a big deal, as was the case with the flights to the far-off destinations.’

  ‘It’s true! What inspired you? How do you plan to surprise us this time? I can’t wait to see your next collection,’ she clapped her hands, excited at the adventure I was going to embark on.

  ‘In fact, I’m getting more and more excited about this journey. I’m surprised at why I didn’t do it earlier, because I’m certain that I will gather impressions that will provoke my inspiration in a different direction. But the truth is, Cathy, this all this is because of Phillip. He is the main reason. I just can’t handle it when he is around me and I need to go somewhere far, far away.’

  Catherine froze. She looked at me inquisitively, judging me, but at the same time with great concern. She didn’t say a word and, when I couldn’t take it anymore and wanted to ask why she was looking at me like that, all the other girls started arriving, one by one, and we started gossiping. I decided to leave the questions for later.

  The evening was enjoyable and easy-going. We were catching up on the information about each of us. Some of the girls had kids, families, others were focused on their career development and traveled constantly to and fro, and for quite some time we hadn’t been together. This was a moment I wanted to cherish in my heart forever. An instant in time filled with so much love, compassion, support, trust, and empathy. We all felt the same. Some of us were closer than others but we could all call ourselves friends in the truest and most valuable sense of the word. Right at this moment Catherine, who was strangely quiet all the time, raised the topic that I myself was afraid to mention.

  ‘Megan, tell us what’s going on with you. Let’s not forget the occasion for this gathering.’

  ‘Wow, Megs, it sounds so exciting. I can’t wait to start receiving photos from various beautiful spots. I envy you for your job,’ added Alex.

  ‘Yes, I suppose that it will be exciting. I’m getting more and more enthusiastic about it too. But in fact, girls, the reason for this is not work,’ I responded nervously, bearing in mind Cathy’s initial reaction. ‘I’m leaving because of Phillip. Last weekend I had a groundbreaking experience. And I was just starting to recover from all his surprises that had messed up my already confused mind.’

  ‘Come on! The idea with the deliveries was brilliant. I don’t know how he came up with it, but it was exactly what you needed – a squall. It was time someone to chase you out of your den where you believed you were safe. Have you heard of agoraphobia? This was where you were heading.’

  ‘I don’t believe I was even close to agoraphobia.’

  ‘Not in the literal sense but in the figurative one. Emotional agoraphobia. Is there such a diagnosis? If not, I’ll patent it. Your heart was all shriveled up, afraid to move for fear that someone might want to be with you.’

  ‘It’s true! Megan, we have all lived through broken hearts. We have all loved. It is not a question of being in pain or not. Not even how much you hurt. The question is how long you allow yourself to be in this state and how fast can you recover and move on.’

  ‘OK, it doesn’t matter. I’m not in the mood for arguing. Honestly, the deliveries were overwhelming, and at one point I stopped receiving them. And when I started to recover and be myself again, he came to my place on Saturday.’

  ‘Wow, that’s Phillip.’

  ‘In fact, we had a wonderful time at the beginning. We both relaxed and talked about everything, but mostly about us. This eased the pressure. We even talked about the baby. I realized for the first time that he is rejecting the baby because of me. He is refusing to accept it. Later we went to the park. It was wonderful.’

  ‘So, where is the problem?’

  ‘Then he decided to kiss me,’ I stopped talking and wanted to see their reactions, but they were all silent and looking serious.

  ‘And? So, what if he kissed you? What happened next, muffin?’

  ‘I ran. I told him I didn’t want to have anything to do with him anymore and that I wanted to move on without him, and then I came up with the idea of traveling. The more I thought about it, the more I believed it was feasible and the more enthusiastic I was becoming. I talked to my bosses and they liked the idea…’

  ‘Stop!’ said Nia. ‘Don’t go there. Your bosses are of no significance in this story. Megs, why are you being so stupid again?’

  ‘Again? What do you mean, Nia? And why “stupid”? Just a minute ago you were all congratulating me on the fabulous idea and now you are looking at me as if I were moving to Antarctica with only a suitcase filled with bathing suits. What’s the matter with you?’

  ‘Megs, dear, do you realize what you are doing with this traveling?’ asked Ivonne in the nicest and most supportive way possible, but right then I felt as if I was under attack and burst out:

  ‘Yes, I do realize it very well, thank you. I’m fixing my life. And from you in particular, I expected support and not accusations.’

  ‘Megan, you know that we will always support you, no matter what you decide. But this does not mean that we shall not tell you what we really think. We are not to blame if you don’t like it, or even worse – if it scares and irritates you. The fact itself that you react in this passive aggressive way to a different opinion, is very telling.’

  ‘My reaction is not aggressive.’

  ‘You don’t say?!’

  I knew they were right. It was no big deal but, still I was overzealous and overprotective. I hadn’t expected such a turn of events. I believed that they would all be happy for me and my deliverance from all this dismay. Then Catherine let me have it in good earnest:

  ’Now you’re going to listen to what I have to say. I sincerely hope that you won’t take offense, put on protective masks and play the victim, but remain calm and open your mind to what you’re about to hear. I’ve been meaning to tell this ever since I learned about your intentions earlier this evening. How often have we talked about the similarities in the circumstances of our lives? We both flee from love and closeness. We both find numerous excuses and other more important reasons to avoid closeness with a man. But finally, when you allowed Phillip into your life, I felt truly satisfied because I knew the same would befall me. Soon after that I met Slavi. You were an inspiration for me at the time, you gave me the hope I needed to believe and to be trusting. It wasn’t easy; you know best. Life changes dramatically when, a
fter a long period of being self-sufficient, you enter into a partnership and affectionate relations.

  ‘You begin to climb up a staircase and to learn new things,’ added Alex.

  ‘Correct. This was an uncharted path for us,’ continued Cathy. ‘A completely unfamiliar form of partnership for us. We had little experience in this field. Things developed unexpectedly with you. Quite soon after the beautiful relationship with Phillip you had to go through this ugly, black, deep pain. At the same time, you were unaware of the real reason. Phillip acted stupidly, Megan. Childishly. Like a real coward, or a small child who doesn’t know what to do with mom’s broken vase, and instead of facing her wrath courageously, he prefers to hide the evidence. No doubt, this was what Phillip did; I’m not trying to justify him. The consequences were devastating for both of you. For sure, there were much smarter ways to handle the situation, but let bygones be bygones. What must be shall be. Both of you had to experience all this. Both of you. But Megan, I am going to tell you something and you must listen very carefully! Phillip came back and was sincere. He told you everything that had happened. He showed you that he was sorry and wanted to make amends. He proved to you in dozens of different ways that he loves you. Megs, what you’re doing right now is repeating his same rash action. Consciously or unconsciously you are repeating his mistake, his behavior. When he came face to face with the problem, he disappeared, fled, refused all communication with you, denied the existence of another solution apart from the apparent one that at the end led to the devastation of both of you. Why are you making the same mistake? Be smarter. You want to bury your head in the sand, thinking that the present situation is too complicated, too frightening, and prefer to run away instead of facing reality.’