‘That’s not true. He deserted me without saying a word. But we could have solved the problem together.’ Tears were starting to run down my cheeks.
‘Megs, you are the one that is rejecting the attempts to solve the problem, whilst there might be a way out. A different one than the one banging your head. I’m not saying that you should or should not get together with Phillip; that he is the one for you and you should trust him or not. I just know how strong your love is, and how much he loves you. None of us could say if things are irretrievably broken. I only know that there is nothing inevitable in life apart from death. If both of you want and are ready to exert the necessary efforts, things might work out. However, if you don’t want it and your decision is founded on this conviction and not on fear alone, then you should be able to state it openly, without the need to escape – exactly what you are doing right now.’
‘Catherine, stop, that’s enough,’ said Nia flatly and came up to me to hug me. I was already sobbing loudly.
Everything that Cathy said was nothing but the truth. It was as if someone had poured a bucket of freezing water over me. For the first time I was forced to stick my head out of my den where I had been hiding for the past couple of months. I didn’t want to. I wasn’t feeling comfortable, but they pushed me out. I was crying, curled up in a ball. I was even ready to lie down on the floor, to diminish in space so that the pain would disappear. Cathy was right. I didn’t want to admit it, but I had no right to delude myself any longer. I could see it in my friends’ eyes. Friends that I knew I could rely on and who wanted the best for me. Friends that would never tolerate such direct, even thought-provoking words if they were not sure that this was the best course of action and if they didn’t see that instead of escaping, I was drowning. For the very first time I saw the real situation through their perspective, which was not so confused. I could see now that it was not only Phillip that had acted selfishly and cowardly; I saw myself as a coward too. It was true that I was running. I wanted to escape, but this was not a solution. The truth was that I loved Phillip, but I was in too much of a panicky fear to admit it even to myself. I believed that the only thing that would happen was to feel that excruciating pain of abandonment again. But the fact was that he had come back. He had come back to fix things; he had come back to tell me that he wanted to be with me. His every move and action were directed at proving this to me, and everything was done in a precise and deliberated manner to seek my forgiveness and for me to see him with loving eyes once more.
‘You ran away once, Megan, but at the time we all thought it was the smartest thing to do, bearing in mind the situation you were in. You needed a push, to break the cage and the greyness of the hectic daily routine that you were submerged in. You needed a break, but then again, there was no one waiting for you here.’ It was Alexandra’s turn to talk. ‘What about now? Now you are running from a man who loves you, who is ready to turn the world upside down in order to make amends for his mistake. Megs, we are only human. We all err. And it’s true that sometimes the mistakes can cause real pain, but this doesn’t make us bad people. Especially when we realize what we have done and try to repair it however we can. Yes, things developed in a weird way for him even before he met you and, yes, then he realized that he had made the worst possible choice. But one year ago, when you embarked on your travels, you were fleeing from your erroneous priorities you had fenced yourself in with, while now you are fleeing from things that are more vital. You are fleeing from love and yourself. What do you expect will happen? You will forget everything? No way! Perhaps in the future things will not work out for you, but right now you are not giving a chance for any development, whatsoever, but simply running away. This is not salvation, but fear of commitment, this is fear of loss, fear of pain. If your decision were correct it should have liberated you. But your decision is induced by anxieties and it will suffocate you, creating a compelling feeling of being constrained and smothered.’
This instant I became aware of the moments when I felt truly calm and reassured. It was last Saturday when I spent time together with Phillip, before running away from the park. And after that, when I was planning my escape plan, I felt my entire body paralyzed by terror and distress. Right then, I allowed myself to confess how much I loved this man. Right then I admitted how much he meant to me. And the way he made me feel. He was my life. He was my love. He was my inspiration, my tranquility, my tower of strength. He was the one who had helped me in making the most important progress in my life in a sphere in which, as Cathy had rightfully pointed out, I was a total novice – my personal life. What I had achieved with him just in a couple of months, I could not have been able to achieve for an entire lifetime with another. Yes, I did love him, and I would regret it for eternity if I did not give our relationship another chance. I stood up, my face wet with tears, and the only thing that I wanted to do right then was to go to him. To find him and tell him how much I loved him.
‘I’m going to Phillip,’ I said and, without even putting on my jacket, I took my purse and rushed outside.
Chapter 52
To run outside in the middle of March in a freezing temperature without a jacket wasn’t the smartest idea. But as I had realized this evening, taking smart decisions was not my best quality. The place the girls and I were in was actually not far away from Phillip’s flat. But not so close after all, especially for someone without a jacket. I hadn’t thought about it at all, running out of the restaurant. I became aware that it was cold and I had no jacket perhaps two–three minutes after going outside. I was running all the time and I was already too far away to turn back. I decided that running would keep me warm and would not feel the chill so much. I wasn’t 100% correct. After a while, my hands froze. Regardless, I kept on running.
Various thoughts crossed my mind; some I let in intentionally, others I tried to ignore. There were also some fears and concerns: what if he were not at home right now, if he had left once again, if he had given up trying to convince me of something I had failed to grasp? Was he even in Bulgaria? Had he gone back to America? Back to Dana? No, I didn’t want to allow such thoughts to enter my mind; they were not at all helpful. Contrariwise, they could only confuse me even more. I myself didn’t know what to expect from him, what I wanted for us, what I was able to offer him, whether I was able to forget the past. Yet I decided that the best course of action was to be honest with him and that, in fact, Phillip had always been the stronger of the two us in answering such questions. I knew only one thing: that I still loved this man and that I wanted to take a chance on our relationship, regardless of what would happen next. As long as he still wanted the same, I was certain that together we would find the best way. There was a wide smile on my face and its warmth flowed through my body, despite the surrounding cold. The idea alone of being together with Phillip, next to him, made me feel better. This thought made me feel lighter and happier. I could not fathom how it was possible to suppress all these emotions so effectively all this time.
I was in front of his entrance already. Half of my body was almost totally numb – my hands, my face, my ears. Everything was frozen, yet I rushed in. I didn’t want to stop, not for an instant, lest the doubts should surface and dissuade me. Even though Cathy’s words still echoed in my head that I was repeating his mistake, discouragement of any kind was hardly possible. I didn’t want to repeat his mistake. I could still feel the pain that this mistake caused me, how I cursed him when I found out the truth. Why didn’t he find the strength to share it with me and find a solution together? No, I was not going to act like a coward, even if my entire being yearned to turn around and run outside, even in the freezing cold.
Right then, I switched off my mental light signal that alternated from green to red. I rushed by the doorman, simply saying that I was expected. He looked startled at receiving an answer even before he had had the chance to ask the question, but I believe he recognized me, even after all that time, because he didn’t try to stop me. Anyway,
he would not have succeeded in stopping me even if he wanted to, because I was already near the lift, while he was still getting up from his chair. I was shaking all over not so much from the cold, but from the excitement and the strong emotions, foretasting what was to come.
Phillip
‘I don’t know when I will be back, Grandma. Yes, I’m OK. Everything’s fine… No, there is not much progress. Just the opposite, I believe that things are getting worse. If I made one step forwards in the past few days, now I am at least ten behind… I’m not despairing. I don’t have such high hopes… But look, everything is fine, don’t worry. I’ll do whatever it takes and let the chips fall where they may… Ugh, I do hate this expression! It will work out all right. I just have to be patient… I know that she is the one and I’ll win her back. I’ll keep you informed. Don’t worry! You won’t be in the dark any more. Now tell me, how are you doing? How are things over there? Is it cold?’
I let her talk about everything she needed to tell me. All the important and not so important things. Although I could not grasp what she was saying. The last few days had been awful. I was very irritable. I was so angry at myself for rushing in like a fool. I didn’t know what to expect from Megan. Last weekend she was very upset. She was a woman from whom one could expect anything. Intentionally, I decided not to contact her, in order to give her more space and time to calm down. Although, I couldn’t stand it. I was surprised by her reaction on Saturday, how suddenly all her barriers dropped, and so abruptly at that. It was wonderful to be close to her again. Close to her in the way that only we could be, to be able to tell each other everything. Such moments seem like eternity. I knew that she meant the world to me, I knew how important her opinion about me was, bearing in mind all that she had been through. In spite of this, I blundered again. I could not believe that I was unable to restrain myself. But looking at her in the sunrays, loving the time spent with me, calm and relaxed… I just lost my mind and acted on instinct and this naturally led to the next. My lips touched hers, those lips that I hungered for.
Someone knocked at the door. Who could it be at this hour? Strange, didn’t they see that there was a doorbell!? What a commotion. Probably it was some kids playing pranks. But this was a building with security; how did they get in?
‘Grandma, just a moment, there is someone knocking at the door. Yes, this is what I thought too. Maybe you’re right, perhaps my doorbell’s broken.’
I opened the door and there she was – standing outside. Her nose red from the cold, her hair all messed up, out of breath as if she had run all the way from her place to mine… and almost naked. Wasn’t it cold outside?
‘Your bell isn’t working,’ she said and threw herself toward me. I pressed the red receiver button on the mobile phone, tossed it towards the shelf in the corridor and took her in my arms. I had not foreseen this; it was most unexpected. But this was very much Megan. Impulsive and full of surprises. I didn’t know what had happened. I didn’t know why she was ice cold and how suddenly she had appeared at my threshold. But I knew that she was pressed against me in an embrace and, although I could hear her crying, this was total bliss for me. I knew why she was crying – from the depths of emotions that, for some reason or other, had finally found a release. Yet I knew that this was only the first step of our reconciliation. And if she had made the first step, I would never stray from the path again. I only knew that, if she had come to my flat of her own free will, this meant that she was ready to trust me once more. That was what counted the most. That meant everything to me.
‘I love you!’
‘I love you too, my little, sweet, frozen girl. What’s going on? Don’t cry.’
‘I can’t stop. I don’t know what’s happening to me.’
‘No more! Come in, take off your shoes and warm yourself up. You are chilled to the bone. Come on, I’ll make you some tea.’
‘I don’t want tea. I want you.’
I looked her straight in the eyes and understood what she had in mind. I saw it in her eyes. I saw that fire that had left a deep scar in my mind and that would always ignite me, the moment I saw it again. I recognized it so well. This was exactly what was happening right then. I didn’t need another push. I threw myself…towards her. I picked her up in my arms and carried her to the bedroom. Although, I could have torn off her clothes right there, in the corridor. But this time I wanted to make love to her slowly and for a long time. I didn’t want to let her out of my sight. I wanted to see her desire, the longing in her eyes. I wanted to relish her tearful eyes, her expressions, the movements of her body. I wanted to indulge in every single sensation, every touch. I had presumed that this would never happen again. And yet, here we were once more and she was giving me a chance. A chance to be together. A chance to mend what was broken. A chance to place our love for each other above the fears and responsibilities, above the fake fences erected in our lives by someone else, above the worries, the dismal thoughts, and distrust above all. Because the truly important thing in this moment for both of us was the fact that we could surrender to each other, that we could make an offering to each other, that finally we were exactly in the place where we felt complete – next to each other, inside one another.
Epilogue
We live in a different world. Colorful. Vibrant. Dynamic. The way we were brought up by our parents is no longer valid for the present-day. It is not relevant for our children either. During our childhood, if your parents were divorced or even temporarily separated, it was shameful, even disgraceful. Such things were kept as a big secret. Very often these families, and the choices made by the adults, were stigmatized. But today, in our hectic, modern world this is so common that soon the number of separated families will exceed those that remain together till the end.
Young people take hasty decisions, they have a wide range of choice because there are no borders and all places are easily accessible. There are many reasons for this to happen – not only free movement of people but their freedom of mind too… I would not venture to pass judgment as to whether this is bad or good. There are always two sides to the same coin – black and white, good and bad, but in the end they merge into one another. So, I don’t want to pass judgment, I don’t want to analyze how this would affect society, our children and our values. But, nonetheless, I believe that when parents make an effort to educate their children in family values this will yield fruitful results, regardless of whether they are together or not.
The new times opened a door for me. A door that I almost missed, blinded by emotions, fears and barriers. When all is said and done, I managed to see it and go through it. Sometimes I look back and wonder how lucky I am, because so many things could have gone amiss and I could have wasted the opportunity offered to me by the present circumstances. But nothing went wrong and, in spite of the mix-ups I and Phillip had made in the past before getting to know each other, we both managed to find the strength and courage to make the right choice directing us towards one another. The instant we both decided to stand next to each other, no matter what, things folded into place effortlessly.
This is our present mindset. As long as we are together we are ready to trust that everything will be alright. We are so much stronger because if one of us is weak, the other is there for support and encouragement.
I admit, it wasn’t easy to come to grips with the idea that the man that I had chosen to be with was going to be a father for the first time and I was not the mother. Just the opposite, I had doubts, I had a myriad of fears and concerns about the other woman. What if she decided to fight for Phillip’s love after all? I was also concerned about Phillip himself and his attitude towards the child. What if Phillip decided after the child was born that it was more important, and chose to disappear, the same way he had done before? I had concerns about myself too. Was I going to cope with this child and accept it and not see it as a threat? So many questions and no answers. But every time I looked into Phillip’s eyes, all the doubts and worries disappeared. I
saw why I was doing this and that no matter whether I worry or not I could not foresee the future. It was meaningless to be afraid of things that were non-existent. I had learned my lesson well.
I believed that both of us were smarter, more mature, more prepared for what was to come. More often than before, I could easily chase away the thoughts that caused concerns, I could smile and be thankful for the choice I had made several months before.
After going to his flat that evening, we talked about so many things. We talked throughout the night. He didn’t let me out of his embrace. It was difficult for him to believe that I was there in person and had changed my decision so suddenly. When I told him what I was intending to do just a few hours before, he could not believe how quickly I had managed to arrange my escape and that he was just short of losing me again. We both believed that everything happens for a reason and we were thankful that we were resolved at this point to give our relationship another chance.
We reviewed various options. We talked about his work, my work, and the options Phillip had discussed with Dana regarding the upbringing of the child. He asked for my opinion on many of these issues. He would not stop repeating that now I was part of his life and that it was only a matter of time until both of us had our own children that would have to accept everything that had unfolded in the past. For sure, this was an unusual situation. But I saw how calm and resolute Phillip was now, knowing what he should do in order to achieve the best result. I was surprised that he and Dana had discussed everything in such detail about the future and how not to deprive their child of love and attention it deserved and how to guarantee a peaceful, secure and protected environment for the youngster. They had managed to conduct a number of Skype consultations with a psychologist, who both of them approved and intended to continue to use his services in the future so that they would be able to perform their roles as parents in the best possible way and in the child’s interest in the current situation.
I Choose You, Love Page 33