by Jenn Hype
He blew out a long breath, his body relaxing beneath me. Finally, his eyes opened and nothing but heat and want looked up at me.
"Gotta warn a guy before you do that. I almost blew my load before it'd even started."
I giggled, my cheeks flushing.
"I thought maybe I'd done something wrong."
Liam's face softened. "Never. You're perfect, Clara."
"Can," I started and stopped, feeling shy all of a sudden. But no. I couldn't do that. I'd taken what I'd wanted when I climbed on top of him. I couldn't clam up now. "Can you show me what to do?"
"Do whatever feels good. I promise, if it feels good for you, it feels good for me."
With a nod, I started to move. Slowly. Testing out how it felt. And it felt amazing.
At first I moved up and down, only high enough for him to always stay about halfway inside of me. But the more I moved, the more confident I felt. Soon my hips were swiveling, my whole body rocking.
When the base of his dick rubbed my clit, I moaned and fell onto my hands. My hair created a curtain around us, my breasts swaying in front of his face. Liam wasted no time at all, immediately lifting to take one of my nipples into his mouth.
"Oh my Gofflerbuhhh," I moaned unintelligibly.
He swirled, sucked and nibbled while I continued to sway up and down, grinding my pelvis against his to get that sweet friction to my clit with each downward stroke.
Liam switched to my other breast, devouring that nipple in a way that had me on the brink of tears it felt so good. His fingers plucked and rolled the other and I cried out.
"That's it. Talk to me. Tell me what you want," he urged.
"Deeper," I muttered, too far gone to even think about being shy. "I want you deeper."
Suddenly, I went airborne. In a blink Liam had flipped us, remaining inside me. Then he lifted my left leg and tossed it over his shoulder. The new angle made him hit a spot so far inside of me I saw stars. And when he started to circle my clit while slowly thrusting? I. Was. Lost.
My head flew back, eyes closing, mouth falling open and a sound so primal and animalistic ripped from my throat I couldn't believe it had come from me.
He called out my name and I felt him shoot inside of me. Hot bursts, over and over, until I knew he'd filled me completely.
"We didn't use a condom," I said once we'd both come down from our highs. Liam fell on top of me, using his elbows to keep enough of his weight off so he didn't crush me.
"I'm clean. I wouldn't ever put you in danger."
"I'm not on the pill."
I bit my lip and cringed. How could I have been so careless?
"Shit," Liam cursed, his forehead resting on mine. "I should have been more responsible. I'm sorry, Clara."
"You're not mad?" I asked, totally shocked.
Liam's head shot up. "Of course not," he said incredulously.
"Really?" I asked sardonically. "You wouldn't care if I got pregnant."
Even while he softened inside of me, heat sparked to life in his eyes.
"I'd do what was right."
And I knew he would. But that didn't mean he wanted a baby. Not that I did either. Not yet, anyway. But having a baby with someone by accident? Definitely not ideal for me. Pretty much destroyed all my dreams and plans. I would love that baby fiercely, don't get me wrong. But the idea of having a baby with a man who didn't love me?
I shook that train of thought loose. "We're okay. It's not the right time of the month for me to get pregnant. And I can get one of those morning after pills, I think."
Liam nodded before kissing my forehead and leaping off the bed.
"Wait here," he commanded then disappeared from the room. Seconds later he reemerged with a wet washcloth in his hand.
It wasn't until he reached toward me that I realized what he intended to do.
"No, no, no. I can do that myself," I insisted, yanking the rag from his hand.
He looked like he wanted to argue but let it go.
"I'm just, uh, gonna do this in the bathroom," I muttered awkwardly.
"Nope. I have a better idea."
And his idea was so much better. I may not have wanted him to clean me up while I lay on my bed, but I definitely had no problem with him running his hands all over my soapy, naked body in the shower.
Best. Day. Ever.
CHAPTER EIGHTEEN
Clara
"Hmmm, what to get," I mumbled to myself.
With five people still in front of me, I had time to figure out what I wanted to order. I was in the mood to try something new. Maybe a little daring. Out of the box and risky.
"I recommend the strawberry tarts. Simple, but sooo good," the man in front of me whispered conspiratorially.
"Yes, those really are one of the best things here," I agreed, "but I'm in the mood for something new."
He nodded in understanding before turning around and leaving me to peruse the glass cases that held all the delectable treats. On a whim I'd stopped inside my favorite little bakery. I tried to keep away from sweets under normal circumstances. An eternal lover of sugar, it could get away from me if I wasn't careful. I loathed exercise and couldn't really afford the empty calories on a regular basis.
But I was feeling good. Great even. My spirits were soaring, happiness practically shooting out of me. Briefly I wondered if this is what it felt like to be Blake. Waving at everyone, shooting smiles at people with permanent scowls. It seemed nothing could get me down.
I hadn't told anyone about having sex with Liam. We'd been too wrapped up in each other the rest of the night and it just wasn't something I wanted to share over the phone. I figured I would call a girl’s night one day this week and just tell them all at once. And oddly, I was in no rush to share yet. As if keeping it a secret meant I got to keep Liam all to myself a little longer.
Just thinking of him made me giddy.
Right when my thoughts took a very inappropriate turn, an old college friend came through the doors with a girl I recognized as having been in one or two of my classes.
"Joanna!" I shouted, running over for a hug.
She returned the embrace but seemed reluctant. Even went so far as to give my back a patronizing little pat. You know the kind.
"Hey, um..." She trailed off when I pulled back.
"Clara," I answered for her, a frown tugging at my ruby lips. "Clara Jade."
She still didn't seem to recognize me. In fact, she looked about a hot second away from sprinting in the opposite direction like I were an escaped patient from a mental hospital.
"We were study buddies for an entire semester my senior year."
To her credit, she did look embarrassed about not knowing me. Didn't keep the sting of rejection from spearing through my chest.
We'd spent hours upon hours studying for Econ. Twice a week for six months we'd gotten together at the library and made fun of our professor while struggling to learn the materials we both had no interest in at all.
"Ohhh, Clara, of course. How are you?"
I couldn't tell if she really remembered me now or if she was just trying to take the awkwardness out of the moment. A normal person would have just let it go. Normal I was not.
"You really don't remember me? I thought we'd become friends. I mean, I know we haven't kept in touch but we talked about guys and you even told me about your brother."
She winced.
"Sorry, I think I remember you? We took Lit together?"
I huffed, my cheeks burning.
It never failed. Every damn time. I thought I made a friend while they were just biding their time.
"No, it was Econ. With Professor Hughes?"
"Ah!" She snapped her fingers and I saw the light bulb flip on. "Clara!"
My eyes glossed over and I had to bite down on my lip to keep from crying. Silly, I know. It wasn't like I'd made the effort to stay in touch, but it hadn't been all that long ago. And she had literally forgotten that chunk of time. I'd confided things in her. She'd g
iven me advice. Maybe we weren't destined to be lifelong friends, but to completely erase me from her memory as if I had no impact on her life at all?
"No biggie. I guess I thought we hit it off more than we had," I admitted with a shrug.
"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to make it seem like we were friends or something. I just-"
I cut her off by holding up my palm. Her honesty, while admirable, hurt. Bad. I thought I'd started to outgrow this insecure need to be liked by everyone. I had people in my life who cared about me enough that it shouldn't matter what random acquaintances thought.
Still...
I felt the rejection down to my bones. The pitying smile the man in front of me gave me after apparently having overheard our conversation only made it worse.
In a numb haze I managed to make it through the line, but I'd lost my appetite. I couldn't even tell you what I ordered. I gave the pretty pink box with pastries unknown to the first homeless person I passed on my way to the subway.
My phone kept buzzing but I didn't want to talk to anyone. It had been a long time since I'd thrown myself a pity party. Josi had played host to a lot of them. She'd been my rock. Never shamed me over my emotions. Just provided a shoulder to cry on and a hand to hold.
I didn't want to keep depending on her for that emotional stability anymore, though. I was a grown ass woman. I should be able to manage myself. All over the world people had issues way worse than mine. Sickness, famine, homelessness. Hell, even the smaller issues were worse than my stupid, superficial struggle.
Telling myself all of this didn't change how I felt, unfortunately. If anything it piled on. I felt guilty for being sad. Felt angry for not being able to just get over it. Ashamed for lacking the emotional maturity to dust it off and move on.
By the time I made it back to my apartment I'd grown so gloom and doom I couldn't even look in the mirror. My one small victory? I hadn't cried. Woo. Go me.
After showering and tossing on my coziest pjs, I plopped my pathetic butt onto my couch and started blindly flipping through the channels. Something caught my attention and I quickly hit the back button until I'd made it back to the local news station.
They were live at some sort of event. A charity of sorts that had several celebrities in attendance. None of that mattered to me. What did matter was Liam walking that red carpet with a redhead attached to his arm. They disappeared into the building before I could get a glimpse of her face. I'd only seen his profile, but I knew without a doubt it was him. He'd told me he had family obligations tonight. I wanted to pry for more information but I was trying to not be so neurotic.
Now I wished I'd just gone ahead and done it anyway.
Would he have told me?
My gaze darted over to the kitchen where my phone sat on the counter. I told myself to let it go. I could ask him about it tomorrow. Surely he had a good explanation. Maybe it was a cousin. A woman who'd just ran up and grabbed his arm and forced him to walk her into the building.
No matter how many excuses I tried to make on his behalf, it didn't ease the worry churning in my gut. My heart had already taken a hit. It couldn't handle another. Not of this magnitude.
The not knowing would keep me up all night. I had to try calling him.
He answered after five rings. "Clara? Everything okay?"
"Yeah, sorry. I know you're busy."
"No, it's okay."
But it wasn't. I could tell he wasn't happy to hear from me. Though he was trying hard not to be obvious about it.
"Clara, is something wrong?"
It was loud in the background. I imagined him surrounded by a multitude of beautiful women, all vying for his attention. Insecurity and fear punched me square in the gut.
I opened my mouth to confess my reason for calling when a woman's voice came over the line. I couldn't make out what she said, but I heard his name. Then giggling.
"Yeah, no. I mean yes it's... Yes, I'm fine. I just-"
"It's really loud here. Can I call you as soon as I leave?"
Flashbacks of my fiancé in bed with another woman assaulted me. I wasn't even sure if Liam and I were exclusive. My gut told me yes, but history proved just how wrong I could be when it came to assumptions. I often saw and heard what I wanted to, not what was reality.
So if Liam were with a woman, was he "cheating" on me? Did I have any right to be upset?
Hell yes you do. Only a few days ago you gave that man your virginity. Twenty-four years of hanging on to that V-card, waiting for the right guy to come along. And Liam knows just how big of a deal that is. Don't be a doormat, Clara.
"Yeah, sure, gotta go," I muttered quickly, ending the call before I could start blurting out every question that crossed my mind.
"You will not cry, you will not cry," I ordered myself, pressing the heels of my hands to my eyes. A few deep breaths later and I felt confident that I wouldn't lose it.
My fingers twitched to call Josi or Paige or Blake. I needed a hug and reassurance something fierce, but I couldn't. I had to do this myself. I couldn't keep expecting everyone around me to cater to my constant ups and downs.
I always cared more. I was the one who put their heart and soul into every connection, only to be disappointed when no one felt the same. Not even close. Over the years I told myself over and over that it wasn't their fault. My expectations were high. They didn't ask to be put in the position of providing me with love and comfort.
I was tired of it, though. Fair or not, I wanted love, dammit. Unconditional, all-consuming love. I'd do anything I could to help someone. I went out of my way to foresee their needs. I never wanted anyone to have to ask for help. I saw a frown from across the room and next thing I knew I'd be buying someone a cookie just to make them smile.
That part of me would never change. I loved those little acts of kindness. It brought me happiness and peace to give joy to someone else.
And maybe it was selfish but I just needed someone to be that for me. To make me feel special and cherished. Sure, my family did those things, but that was different. To be on the receiving end of true kindness from someone not obligated to do so would mean everything to me.
I thought that would be Liam. For a minute there I really thought he would be that person for me. He was so adamant about pursuing me. So open and painfully honest. It broke my heart to think he was lying to me.
Because yeah, maybe he wasn't "cheating," but that didn't change the fact that he'd lied by omission. Instead of telling me his plans, he left me to find out on my own. To draw my own conclusions and assume the worst.
And I was, despite my best efforts to be rational and mature. My heart ached, refusing to believe it wasn't about to be broken again. Maybe for the very first time, really, because I'd never felt for anyone what I felt for Liam.
Keeping emotions inside, playing it cool, going with the flow: none of those had ever been my strong suit. But for the first time, I didn't know if I wanted the truth. I'd never been afraid to be hurt, always knowing I could pick up and dust myself off and try again. Sure, I'd be sad for a while, but eventually I'd get it together.
This was different, though. There was a very real chance that if Liam let me down, I might not get back up.
He hadn't made me a priority. Sure, I'd have been honored to be on his arm at that event, but if he'd just been honest I could have handled it. I wasn't an exceptionally jealous person. If there was a reason he had to go without me, I would have understood. But he didn't trust me. He kept it a secret. Why?
That was the question right there, wasn't it?
Why?
I didn't want to know. I was scared. A coward. Instead of addressing the issue and talking it out, I decided to take the easy way out.
I turned off my phone, climbed into bed and hid under my covers.
I could get my heart broken tomorrow. Tonight, I just wanted to live in the land of denial.
CHAPTER NINETEEN
Liam
As soon as I tightened my tie, I loos
ened it. Then tightened it. Then loosened.
The entire drive to dinner went that way. While my thoughts warred, my hands warred with my tie. It felt like a noose.
I wanted to be anywhere else except for on my way to see my father. No, that's a lie. I wanted to be with Clara. Though I would have settled for dumpster diving behind a known meth den buck naked if it meant avoiding my dad.
Why, then, was I even going?
Good question.
I have no good answer.
For years I'd been telling myself to just cut him out of my life. I didn't want or need his money. But the little boy inside of me still wanted his love. His approval. It made me feel pathetic and weak, but I'd not been able to rid myself of that sad little kid taking up residence inside my gut.
He would never change. I knew that. Why I kept hoping for a miracle confounded me. Every time I saw him I told myself it was the last time. I was done. I wouldn't put up with his constant dismissal and disrespect and condescension. Then he'd call and I'd come running like an obedient little puppy.
Fucking pathetic.
The car my dad had sent for me pulled up in front of the hotel. I scoffed when I spotted the red carpet. At best there would be a few B-list celebrities and local politicians. They made it look like we were walking into the damn Grammy's.
My driver opened my door and the flash of photographers assaulted me. When they realized I was no one important they quickly moved on to the next car in line. Thank God.
Keeping my head down to avoid winding up in the background of photos, I charged my way through the crowd of photogs and tried to sneak past everyone to the entrance of the hotel. Not looking ahead? Bad idea. I wound up running smack into someone. A female someone, I deduced, since all I saw were her extremely high heels.
How did women even walk in those things? They looked dangerous. And really uncomfortable.
On instinct I reached out to help steady her. Last thing I needed was to cause a scene with a bunch of cameras around to capture mine or anyone else's humiliation.
"Well, well, well. If it isn't Liam Langford."
My head jerked up and I bit back a groan. Of all the women to crash into, it had to be Leah Mangeloni. I didn't have many regrets when it came to past one night stands, but Leah would take the number one spot.