NYC Artists 1 - In a Heartbeat

by Decker, Ally

  "What the hell?" Aiden shook his head. "Literally nothing you just said is true!"

  "Well, maybe if this family ever talked about any damn thing that matters, we wouldn't get so confused, would we?"

  "See, that's what I'm talking about. You say 'this family' like that, how am I not to think you hate it?"

  "Acknowledging there are things that are fucked up doesn't mean I hate our family." Elliot shook his head. "That's the difference between us. You think everything will be perfect if we all just act like it is. And I think the last thing we should do is to act like a perfect family when we aren't one. But anytime I try to point it out, start a conversation, you steamroll me."

  "Maybe we don't all want to talk about our feelings," Aiden spat out.

  "All?" Elliot snorted. "None of you want that. So I'm the black sheep of the family while you're all in perfect alignment. Isn't that right?"

  Aiden didn't say anything for the longest time and Elliot had enough. He should've walked away when he'd first seen his brother here.

  "And you're so surprised that I'm shocked when you say I'm not bothering you," he told Aiden. "Gee, I wonder where I got that from." He glanced one more time at the tombstone, sending a silent apology to Carl, and took a step back. "I'm gonna go. See you around, I guess."

  He turned and walked away.

  CHAPTER SIXTEEN

  Naomi didn't know what to do with herself after she left Elliot's place. She spent fifteen minutes on the staircase in his building, sitting and staring off into space as their conversation—their fight—played over and over in her head. Half the time, she wanted to run back, to tell him she'd done it all wrong and she hadn't meant for any of it to happen. The other half, she tried to force herself to move so that she could get as far away from there as possible.

  What did you think was going to happen? she asked herself as she was finally making her way down.

  She didn't think, that was the gist of it. After last night's conversation with her mother, she sort of… turned herself off. She didn't think about anything but the next point in time and for a while there, it had seemed like she was on top of things. She'd finally made the decision she'd been struggling with, so that was a win, right? Right. The next thing to do was to have that talk with Elliot she'd been putting off and at least she could give him a straight answer now, right? Right. So she went to do that first thing in the morning.

  It turned out to have been a bad idea, after all.

  She knew it was bad the moment she saw his face turn blank after she'd told him the news. That was his expression for dealing with his family, not with her. In that moment, her walls started to shake, and she reacted by turning on him. Elliot pushing her on how long she'd known about this only made it worse.

  Shit, the things she'd thrown in his face…

  She'd panicked. That was what had happened. He'd questioned her, and suddenly she'd thought of turning into her mother and letting someone else make the decisions for her. And she'd lashed out.

  "Clearly, it's not only not my decision, it's also not my business. Not my anything." Elliot's words came back to her, leaving her cold again. "I heard you loud and clear."

  No, she'd wanted to tell him. No, you didn't, it wasn't what I meant.

  But what was the point, really? It wouldn't change the fact that she'd decided to leave. So she walked away and forced herself to keep walking.

  When she finally got out of the building, the cold hit her in the face. Early April or not, the mornings were still cold. That was one thing she wasn't going to miss about New York.

  If only that list got a little longer.

  Naomi couldn't stomach the idea of going back to her place and it was too cold to wander around, so she headed to the Den. Maybe she would catch Fiona there and get her tough love before having to turn back into her professional self by the time her first client arrived.

  ***

  Fiona was waiting for her at the staff entrance door and pulled her into a hug as soon as she was inside. Naomi sunk into the embrace, closing her eyes and swallowing hard. She was glad she'd decided to text Fiona on her way in. A few texts and a train ride later, and here she was.

  At least some of your decision are good, she told herself, but pushed the thought away.

  "Come on, I'm making us amazing Irish coffee and you're going to tell me everything."

  Naomi bit down on her lower lip as she let herself be led to the couch. She could already tell she was going to start bawling any second, and Fiona had never seen her cry before. None of her friends had ever seen it, actually.

  Too late now, she figured, taking her boots off and pulling her legs up onto the couch.

  "So, it all began last night," she started, slowly at first and then picking up speed, hurrying to the end of the story, even as her voice caught and broke on some parts of it. That whole fight was stuck in her head word for word, so she recited it all, even if it made her chest hurt and tears flow faster.

  Fiona listened in silence from start to finish, sitting close enough to pull her into a side hug when Naomi's breath caught on the part where she'd told Elliot she didn't owe him any explanation.

  "I knew telling him was going to be a disaster," she admitted when she was done with the rest of the story and they sat there in silence for what felt like forever. "But it turned out to be worse than I thought."

  "Oh, babe." Fiona tightened her grip on her shoulder. "It's not the telling itself that was the problem. It was everything else."

  Naomi rubbed her eyes again, hoping to dry them for good this time. "I know I messed up."

  "I know you know," Fiona agreed with a nod. "But I think you're not exactly clear on how."

  Naomi frowned and went to pull away, but her friend kept her in place.

  "Listen to me," Fiona said. "It sucks now and it will suck to hear what I have to say, but I think you need to hear this sooner rather than later, okay?" When Naomi shrugged, Fiona went on. "First of all, where do you think Elliot messed up today?"

  "What?" Naomi looked up at her friend. Weren't they talking about how she messed up?

  "Just answer me. You got angry at him, so you must've thought he messed up somewhere. What did he do?"

  Naomi shook her head. She had a lot of time to replay that conversation in her head and she knew the answer already. "It wasn't anything he said, it was more what I thought he said."

  "Yeah."

  "Telling me what to do and how to live is a red-hot button for me," she admitted, picking at the edge of her sweater. "Especially by the men I'm dating, although not just them. So when he said I should've said something—"

  "You took it as him saying you should've asked him," Fiona finished when Naomi drifted off.

  "I know he didn't mean it like that. I know," she stressed. "But in the heat of the moment, I lashed out."

  "You know he's not really the one you're mad at, right?"

  Naomi chuckled humorlessly. "Yeah, I know." All this shit came back to her freaking parents. She should be too old for that, damn it.

  "You're pissed off at yourself."

  That brought Naomi to a halt. "No, that's—"

  "Listen," Fiona cut in. "Whoever fucked you over before—your parents, your ex, take your pick—here, in this case, you fucked yourself over the most. And I'm leaving off all the job stuff, because I'll go on a tangent, but just so you know, not the greatest decision making there, either."

  "Well, gee, thanks." Naomi pushed away from Fiona now. She didn't leave the couch, though. She'd wanted the tough love, now she needed to endure it.

  "I may be biased, but I'm still right," Fiona said then shook her head. "Okay, enough about that. But listen. You have a cool job, your own place, your life's going along nicely, even if you're not getting laid. Then you meet a guy who is hot, smart, and who seem to be even more into you than you're into him, which is impressive, since I've seen your dreamy smiles when you two were texting. So, you have all that, and what do you do? You get scared. Hell
, terrified. I'm sure you had multiple exit plans the second the sparks flew between the two of you."

  The protest got stuck in Naomi's throat as she realized it was true. From the get-go, she'd expected the end, after all.

  "But having those plans isn't enough, is it?" Fiona went on. "You won't wait for the shit to go bad, you help it along."

  "No, I don't!" she protested then, because that wasn't fair. "I didn't invent the Den's problems, did I?"

  "That will solve itself, but even if it didn't, that's not the point. The point is, you didn't tell him. You kept this from him. How would you feel if he kept something like that from you?"

  Betrayed. She would feel cheated and lied to. "I didn't mean—"

  "That's what you keep saying, and I believe you didn't plan on it, but you still did it."

  "Okay, so I'm a horrible human being," Naomi said, sagging into the cushions. "He's better off without me."

  "You made a mistake," Fiona corrected her. "You feel like shit and you're angry at yourself. Which you should be." She patted Naomi's knee. "But it's not irreversible. You just have to admit it and fix it."

  Naomi snorted. "Because that's easy."

  "Easier than you think."

  "I've already admitted I messed up," Naomi said. "But there's nothing I can do now. It's done. I called my old boss in San Diego, I told my mom, hell, I broke—" She paused, swallowing hard and looking away. "I broke up with Elliot."

  "You don't do anything by halves, do you? But all of this can be fixed. You just have to decide what you want." Fiona pointed a finger at her. "And stick with it."

  "Anyone ever told you that you don't get to have everything you want in life?"

  Fiona shrugged. "I didn't listen. Turned out pretty okay."

  Naomi huffed. "Decide what you want." She'd already known what she wanted. The problem was, she didn't believe she could have it—not her job at the Den, not her tiny apartment, and, especially, not Elliot. None of those were hers for good.

  But then, nothing ever was.

  CHAPTER SEVENTEEN

  Elliot got through his shift on Sunday night mostly on autopilot, with occasional adrenaline spikes while treating the critical patients. He kept to himself and didn't talk to anyone, throwing himself into catching up on all the paperwork.

  Anything to get his mind off of Naomi.

  Still, there were times when a memory would sneak in—her smile, her look when she touched his tattoo, the feel of her body pressed against his in the shower last weekend—and Elliot reached out to his phone, only to remember a moment later.

  "I don't owe you an explanation."

  "It's not your decision to make."

  "I'm moving to San Diego."

  Loneliness wasn't something Elliot experienced often, since he'd grown comfortable in how his life had turned out to be. But now, he felt more alone than he'd had in years. He'd gone back to being that eighteen-year-old who got his heart broken because he'd stupidly put it out there. To let it happen again, and by the same person, was a testament to just how stupid he was. How naive.

  He should've known better. People had never stuck around for long—not with him, at least. And Naomi was too good to be true, in the end. His first love, after disappearing years ago, suddenly reappeared in his life and they got together. It sounded like a fairy tale, and Elliot had stopped believing in those a long time ago. Maybe he'd wanted to be proven wrong, this time around, but he really shouldn't be surprised when he wasn't.

  If only it didn't hurt this much to relearn that lesson.

  He didn't want to go back home after the shift, so he decided to head back to the cemetery. Since it was Monday morning, he should have better luck than on Saturday.

  The place was almost empty. He saw a few people here and there, standing in the distance, as he moved through the familiar path, but there was no one around Carl's grave. Elliot relaxed as he crouched down and rested his hand on the top of the tombstone.

  "Hey. Sorry for the other day," he said. "You shouldn't have to witness our fights anymore." He tightened his grip on the stone hard enough to hurt. "We were doing so much better with you around."

  "Yes, we were."

  Aiden's voice came from behind him, and Elliot almost tripped in his haste to stand up.

  "Fuck, you scared me," he told his brother. Then he frowned. "How often do you come here?"

  Aiden shrugged, then shoved his hands deeper into his pockets. "Every other Monday or so. Saturday was a spur of the moment thing."

  Wow. Elliot visited a few times a year.

  "I'm sorry, but I don't want a repeat from Saturday," he said as he looked at the trees behind Aiden's shoulder. "Could you give me ten minutes alone here? Then I'll be out of your hair."

  Aiden nodded but didn't move, at first. Then, he took a step closer and caught Elliot's gaze. "I will, I promise I'll give you the time alone, but first, I wanted to say something."

  Elliot gnawed on his lower lip. Conversations tended to go wrong between the two of them every damn time and it was exactly what he was trying to avoid. He just didn't have it in him to fight again.

  "I kept thinking about what you said the other day," Aiden went on. "How you were the black sheep of the family. How you thought—You know. That you're bothering me."

  Elliot turned to face the tombstone. "Let's just—"

  "I can see how you thought that." Aiden took another step closer and got into Elliot's line of sight again. "And I'm sorry for making you feel like this."

  He couldn't believe this. His older brother. Apologizing.

  "What?" he asked, stupidly, because apparently this was what he did in those situations. First Naomi, now Aiden—

  Don't think about Naomi now.

  "I'm sorry," Aiden repeated. "It was never my intention. We're just…so different."

  "Yeah, we are." Elliot stared at the name engraved in the stone in front of him. "He was our middle ground."

  Aiden didn't say anything for a long moment and Elliot looked up. His brother was staring at the flowers he still kept in his hand.

  I guess now I know where the fresh flowers are coming from, Elliot thought, and for some reason, it made his shoulders relax a fraction.

  "He was," Aiden finally said. "And I should've done a better job of bridging that gap."

  Yes, you should've. But saying that wouldn't fix anything. And besides, it was always a two-way street.

  "I could've done better, too," Elliot admitted.

  "I know that sounds like a bullshit excuse, but I honestly thought… I thought you wouldn't want me around."

  "Why wouldn't I want you around? I idolized you as a kid, you know that. Everybody knew."

  "But then Carl died."

  Elliot wondered if Aiden had ever said it out loud before. If it was as hard for him as it had been for Elliot to say when he'd told Naomi the story.

  "Yes, he did. But you didn't. You were still my older brother."

  Aiden's eyes widened and he opened and closed his mouth a few times. He looked like he was in shock. How was any of it new information?

  "I understand that we're different," Elliot offered when Aiden stayed silent. "And maybe we've gotten even more different since back then, what with us choosing completely different ways of dealing with things. But while your way was easily accepted by the family, mine was deemed wrong. You rallied around each other, leaving me out in the cold," he finished, swallowing hard.

  "I thought you were doing everything to distance yourself from me. From us," Aiden said after a long stretch of silence. "I thought letting you go was better than fighting you for every inch."

  I wanted you to fight, Elliot thought, and that was something he hadn't realized before. Sure, he'd known he wanted them all to have a fight where they could clear things up, but he'd never realized he wanted any of them to fight for him, too.

  But he was a grown man now. He could fight his own battles. Sometimes, it meant showing up for that battle—again, and again, and again, if
needed. And sometimes, that meant picking the right battles and letting go of the others, because pushing didn't always mean he'd be pushed back. It could mean someone would walk away, instead.

  Especially someone so used to walking away. Like Naomi.

  "I'll let you be alone now," Aiden said, pulling Elliot back to the present. "Take your time."

  "No, stay," Elliot told him, stopping him in place. "I'm good. I don't need more time." He'd come here for a bit of comfort and he got even more than that.

  He gazed at the tombstone. See you soon.

  As he walked past Aiden, he clapped him on the shoulder and nodded as their gazes met. Maybe nothing would change after today, and maybe something would. But at least, finally, they'd both showed up to the same battle.

  Now Elliot had one more to show up for.

  ***

  This might end up being a terrible idea. He changed his mind every five minutes on his way to Lion's Den, going as far as turning his car around twice. But in the end, he decided to go all in. If it didn't work, it didn't work, and he'd be back in the same place he was in now, only with additional bruises to his pride. If it did work, well. He might get his happily ever after.

  That was enough to make it worth the risk. It would be the last time of him getting into that particular ring, he'd promised himself that when he'd turned the car around back towards the parlor. Because there was showing up for a fight and showing up to get beaten and the two didn't mean the exact same thing.

  But if he and Aiden could find a way to finally hear each other out after so long, perhaps there was a chance for Naomi and him as well. If anything, Elliot wanted to make sure he would be absolutely certain that he did all he could, that she heard what he was saying and what he meant. If she didn't want him, that was her choice, and he was going to walk away and tend to his broken heart. But he didn't want her walking away because he'd pushed her too far away.