Half Boyfriend

by Judy Balan, Kishore Manohar

  ‘Exactly what am I being naïve about? Do tell.’ Rhea stood back, arms folded like a petulant seven-year-old.

  ‘Well, for starters,’ Kiran said, ‘the guy was gawking at you on the first day of college and had all these orchestrated run-ins with you. And then, somehow he manages to get your attention by playing the guy who can’t speak English and overnight, he’s your “friend” and he’s actually invited to your party! I’m sorry, but I find it very hard to believe that he doesn’t have any motives.’

  ‘What motives! So, he’s in love with me or thinks he is. So is every other guy in college,’ Rhea said, modestly.

  ‘Let’s not forget that incident with his friends and the binoculars,’ Ro added.

  ‘What? What friends? What binoculars?’ Mrs Somany panicked.

  ‘It’s nothing, Ma’ Rhea said.

  ‘No. It’s not nothing,’ Kiran said firmly. ‘That’s what I’m saying—you refuse to see what’s right in front of you.’

  Rhea rolled her eyes. ‘And what is that?’

  ‘He is much smarter than he looks,’ Kiran said. ‘And he’s creepy and scary and God knows what he’s up to but he’s bad news, Rhea.’

  ‘Alright then. I’m done with this conversation.’ Rhea marched out of the room.

  ‘Rhea …’ the three of them said in unison but she was too busy looking for Manav. ‘Call me when you have facts and a logical argument, not random speculation!’ she shouted as she stomped away.

  When she finally found Manav engrossed in conversation with the watchman, squishy pink stuff started oozing from the centre of her heart. Did Manav just download Whatsapp for the watchman? Did they just look at a jpeg and share a moment? He was such a sweet, simple guy. Unpretentious and uncomplicated—what’s not to like? She had loved how he had confidently dissed sushi in front of all her guests. It was so refreshing compared to all the fake people who usually landed at her party, complimented her shoes and pretended to like the food in order to fit in. Come to think of it, Manav was quite the kisser too. Maybe she had been wrong about the whole half boyfriend thing. Maybe he deserved a chance. Seeing him right now installing apps for the watchman after that conversation with her elitist crew only made her see the best in him. She’d have to work on the English, of course. But that was easily handled.

  ‘Hey you,’ she smiled as she made her way to where Manav was seated.

  ‘Hey!’ Manav said. ‘Is everything okay? It looked like you guys were fighting,’ Manav said innocently though he knew exactly what had happened. He and Kiran had a cold war going from the start.

  ‘Nah, that’s alright,’ Rhea said. ‘Oh. I didn’t mean to interrupt, you guys carry on.’

  ‘No, we’re done,’ Manav said. ‘We were just talking about my village. He comes from a town nearby.’

  ‘Aww,’ said Rhea with love in her eyes. And that was Manav’s cue to step in and say all the wrong things.

  ‘Tell me the truth,’ Manav went on. ‘Your parents don’t like me, do they? They are forcing you to marry Ro, aren’t they?’ He was so caught up in the moment, he forgot he was speaking correct English.

  ‘What? Marry Ro … what are you talking about?’ Rhea was confused. ‘Look, it doesn’t matter. I like you. That’s what matters.’

  ‘No, Rhea. It matters. I’m going to show that Ro. Can he take me on? Does he know how to use a sword? Or ride a horse?’

  Now he had completely lost her. ‘What? What are you talking about!’ Why was everyone going batshit on her on the same night?

  ‘I’m just saying. You deserve a prince, not the son of some hotelier who thinks driving a fancy car and speaking fluent English makes him cool.’ Manav never did know when to stop.

  ‘Okay, stop … just STOP,’ Rhea said. ‘You are just as ridiculous as they are. Probably more. God! What makes you think you can say things like that about my friends? You don’t know Ro! And people who speak fluent English and drive fancy cars are not bad people. God!’ And with that Rhea Somany stormed out of the party.

  ‘Rhea, wait,’ Manav said, grabbing her by the arm. ‘I am sorry. I got carried away. I just really, really, really like you.’

  For a second, Rhea’s heart oozed pink again. He probably didn’t know better. But then she remembered all the ridiculous things he had said just a few seconds ago. ‘If you really, really, really like me, Manav, then you’ll give me some space,’ she said and walked away without sparing a backward glance. Manav started to run after her but stopped himself. How did this happen! Things were going so well. How did he ruin the perfect moment that was handed to him on a platter!

  *Insert sad song where hero and heroine watch the rain sadly from their respective windows.*

  11

  Short Version: In this nail-biting chapter, we wait to see which side the heroine will choose: the hero’s or her family’s? Spoiler: It’s Advantage Hero. Until …

  It had only been three days since he had agreed to give Rhea her space but Manav was wilting. And quite visibly at that. He had no motivation even for basic self-care activities such as eating and showering. It was a difficult time for Manav who had never been at the receiving end of silent treatment (and an excruciating time for his friends who had never been at the receiving end of such strong BO). But it had opened his eyes to a fundamental truth: he couldn’t live without Rhea Somany, let alone rule an entire kingdom without her by his side. Ergo, he must have her. However long it takes and whatever the price he must pay, he must have her. It was for the greater good.

  The only thing that comforted him at this point was that Rhea seemed equally miserable. For starters, she seemed to have got rid of her entourage entirely, choosing instead to walk around the campus alone. She wasn’t talking to Kiran, Ro and her family either, which meant she was brooding. This was a good sign. He just had to make sure he didn’t rob her of the promised ‘space’ before Kiran and Ro. If Rhea was currently deciding on which side to pick, then he simply had to come across as the mature, understanding boyfriend. At least, that was the boys’ advice and it made sense.

  By afternoon, Manav was more and more convinced that he was doing the right thing. He could see Rhea and Kiran bickering across the lobby and was so glad he had mustered enough self-restraint and left her alone.

  ‘You can’t be serious,’ he heard Kiran say. ‘You want to cut me out of your life for that creep? Don’t you see what’s wrong with this logic? You want to cut out your childhood friends for some guy you’ve known for five seconds! Don’t you think it’s possible you’re not thinking straight right now?’

  ‘Wow,’ Manav thought to himself. She was actually ending her relationship with Kiran for him? This was better than anything he’d hoped for.

  ‘And that’s where you’re wrong,’ said Rhea. ‘This is not about him. Never was. It’s about me and my choices and until you can learn to respect that … yes, I’m cutting you loose.’

  ‘Oh, well,’ thought Manav. ‘Still works.’

  ‘Told ya,’ said the sidekicks from behind him.

  ‘God, you scared me,’ said Manav. ‘Did you hear what she said?’

  ‘Of course. You’re on track!’ Anthony offered encouragement.

  ‘You mean I can go talk to her now?’ Manav was desperate.

  ‘No. You wait for her to talk to you,’ he said.

  ‘He’s right,’ said Akbar.

  ‘Wait. That happens?’ asked Manav. ‘You really think she’s going to come and talk to me?’

  ‘Of course. If you stick to the plan and don’t botch it up by giving her longing looks from across the basketball court, that is.’

  Manav sighed. ‘Alright.’

  ‘Just be cool, yaar,’ added Amar though he had no idea what he was talking about.

  Manav found it easier to get through this day, thanks to the Rhea-Kiran showdown he had witnessed and the encouragement from his friends that he was on track. But he definitely didn’t expect the tide to turn in his favour already.

  ‘Hey, wait up
,’ said a familiar voice as Manav walked to the basketball court that evening.

  He couldn’t believe it. This had to be some sort of auditory hallucination. She couldn’t have come around so soon. Trying not to get his hopes up, he turned around. It was her.

  ‘Hey,’ he said, too afraid to say more. He had had her once and botched up the moment and he couldn’t risk that again. Especially since his recent realization that he couldn’t live without her.

  ‘May I join the game?’ she flashed him her signature smile and the rapidly expanding hole in his heart closed instantly.

  ‘Uhh … umm … yes … of course.’

  They played without words for the most part till Rhea decided to surprise him again. ‘I fought with Kiran,’ she said.

  ‘I know,’ said Manav. ‘You fought with a lot of people at the party,’ he quickly added, immediately realizing what he had done.

  ‘Yeah, well, not that. This was today. And I might have told her I didn’t want to talk to her again.’

  ‘Oh.’

  ‘I don’t know, I’m just tired of everyone running my life I guess.’ Wait. She was confiding in him. She was coming to the prince for comfort and solace. Was he supposed to give her a hug and tell her it was going to be okay? Or just grab her and kiss her like he had the other day? She had seemed to enjoy it before she pushed him away.

  ‘Mmm,’ he ended up saying.

  But apparently, that’s what got Rhea’s attention. ‘Wow, you’re being unusually monosyllabic,’ she smiled. ‘You okay?’

  ‘Yes, yes,’ said Manav. ‘I am always saying the wrong things so I think it’s better if I listened.’

  Rhea looked at him with the same affection he had seen in her eyes at the party. She then walked over to him and put her arms around him. ‘You’re a good guy, Manav. You’re a good guy,’ she said to his chest.

  Needless to say, Manav was ten feet off the ground for the rest of the day and couldn’t wait to report the day’s happenings to his gang and mother dearest.

  ‘Maaaa!’ gasped Manav into the phone later that night. ‘I’ve done it! I’ve made her fall in love with me!’

  ‘But you told me that a few days ago,’ said the evil queen, bored by her son’s high school soap.

  ‘Yes, but this is different. This is for real. She’s actually picked me over her family!’

  The evil queen bit her lip. This couldn’t be good. Thank God, her plan was already underway. That should sort out this latest development. ‘Sooo …’ said Manav, ‘you can now go ahead and tell the village or whatever it was that you wanted to do.’

  ‘Oh, I’m way ahead of you, son,’ she said. ‘The bridal gifts are already on the way. In fact, they should have reached her by now. Yes, yes, you’re welcome.’

  ‘What? What bridal gifts? What are you talking about? Did you send Rhea something? Oh, my God, Ma, what did you do?’ Manav started to panic and for good reason.

  ‘Relax, I’ve not gone overboard. Just the usual—ghee, dates, fruits, cows, that’s all,’ she said casually.

  ‘You did what? Ma, please tell me you’re just joking around with me.’ Manav was beginning to understand what palpitations felt like.

  ‘What? Why are you acting like this? This is our tradition. You should be proud!’ The mater feigned ignorance even as she smiled in satisfaction at the brilliance of her plan. Sure, her son would go into a bout of depression for a while but she was ultimately doing him a favour. No self-respecting city girl was going to be able to handle the pressures of being married to the Prince of Inconsequential Indian Village. She would betray the crown and bring shame upon the kingdom. She would have to return the cows. This was for the greater good, she told herself. ‘Manav, beta! Are you there?’

  Manav had dropped the phone dramatically on the floor and rushed to Anthony’s dorm room to seek expert advice on this situation. The other two quickly congregated there but unfortunately for Manav, no one seemed to have any experience in dealing with prospective in-laws sending gifts of ghee, dates, fruits and cows to their homes.

  ‘Has Rhea called? Has she said anything?’ Amar asked after the four of them spent two whole hours coming up with nothing.

  ‘Crap, I left my phone in the room.’ Manav made a dash to his room and grabbed his phone from the floor.

  ‘Well?’ asked Anthony impatiently.

  ‘Forty-three missed calls.’ Manav said it like he was reading out a report of casualties in a recent earthquake.

  The guys winced on cue. ‘And texts?’ asked Akbar.

  ‘I can’t look at it,’ said Manav handing the phone to Akbar. ‘You read it.’

  ‘There’s just one,’ Akbar announced, hoping it was good news.

  ‘What? What does it say?’ they asked in turn while Manav continued wincing.

  ‘What the fuck,’ said Akbar.

  ‘What? What?’ the others said in unison. ‘What does it say?’

  ‘It says WHAT THE FUCK. All caps.’

  ‘That’s it?’ said Manav.

  ‘What do you mean “that’s it”?’ asked Amar.

  ‘Well, “What the fuck” is still better than “Stay the fuck out of my life.” It means she’s open to an explanation.’

  ‘Mmmm,’ the boys nodded thoughtfully. Their hero always had a way out.

  12

  Short Version: It’s like the twelve days of Christmas. Except it’s not Christmas. And it’s twelve hours.

  Sing to the tune of Twelve Days of Christmas:

  On the first night she found her

  Queen mommy sent to Rhee

  Three fattened cows, seven plates of fruits, a bad marching band and a shitload of desi ghee.

  Alot can happen in one night. That’s why they say ‘sleep on it’ when you’re faced with a difficult decision—because it’s highly likely you won’t feel the same way the next morning. Unfortunately, our hero was not familiar with this expression. So he woke up the next morning expecting things to be exactly as they were the night before—the first instalment of his mother’s bridal shower gifts (the ghee) had reached Rhea who was understandably confused and livid and wanted an explanation. Easily handled. He’d just head over to her place and explain it to her in person. Once she understood the context (the fact that he was a prince), she’d get it and forgive his adorable mother for going all out too soon. But it was the morning after, and Rhea had received the entire array of royal offerings that had not only freaked out her parents but blocked traffic, caused general mayhem and invited the attention of curious neighbours. She didn’t want an explanation, she wanted a restraining order.

  Meanwhile, Manav spiralled into a vortex of desperation as call after call to Rhea came back to him with ‘switched off’ or ‘not reachable.’ Rhea’s number was never switched off. She had a classic case of #FOMO and couldn’t live without her phone. Something was wrong. He could feel it in his gut.

  ‘Why don’t you just call your mom and find out instead of moping around like this?’ said Akbar. ‘Check once again—ask her exactly what she sent and how she dispatched it so you can figure out if it reached her or not.’

  That actually made sense. Manav pulled himself up from the floor on which he had collapsed and called his mother in a hurry.

  ‘Ma, listen!’ he blurted out before she could get a word out. ‘Tell me exactly what you sent Rhea and how so I can find a way to stop the rest of the gifts from reaching her.’

  ‘Betu, I’m sorry,’ his mother sounded heartbroken but he couldn’t focus on that at the moment. ‘I sent a marching band too, I forgot to mention yesterday.’

  Manav gulped. There were no words. ‘Oh-kay,’ he said. ‘What else?’

  ‘The usual—dates, fruits, ghee and cows.’

  ‘How many cows?’

  ‘Three. Because that’s your lucky number.’

  Manav took a deep breath. The last thing he wanted to do was completely lose it and yell at his mother but that’s exactly what he was going to do if he didn’t hang up right aw
ay.

  ‘Okay,’ he said. ‘I have to go now and find a way to stop this. Bye.’

  ‘Rajaa …’ his mother sounded petrified.

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘Everything has already reached her. I got the news from the band. Reached her early this morning. Manav …’ the queen fake-sniffled.

  Manav was too busy flying out of his dorm room and into Aurangazeb Road.

  The guys sped out immediately after and the four got on Amar’s two-wheeler (with a sidecar) so the hero could just meet the heroine and explain this madness once and for all.

  ‘What are you going to do?’ Amar asked as they were on their way.

  ‘How does one explain cows and a marching band?’ Akbar thought aloud.

  ‘Yeah bro, there’s no coming back from this, bro,’ Anthony added helpfully.

  ‘Do you guys want to keep that going a little longer? I think I’m feeling overconfident about this,’ said Manav.

  ‘Sorry, bro,’ said Anthony. ‘This just feels like something that happens in a movie.’

  ‘What movie does this happen in?’ asked Akbar. ‘This is too crazy even for a movie.’

  ‘Shut up,’ whispered Amar from the sidecar. ‘You’re scaring him.’

  But Manav was too busy staring blankly at the road ahead to hear any of what they said. The entire stretch that Rhea’s house was on, was sealed off like a crime scene. There were cops going back and forth with their weird walky-talkies and a large crowd had gathered to get a piece of the news. Someone was holding out the newspaper and animatedly relating the story to his friend. Manav got off the bike and went over to the young man to find out just how much people knew and there it was—the entire story had been reported under the ‘Bizarre’ category of the daily. There was no mention of his name but it did mention that he was a prince studying at a local Delhi college and of course, the curious bridal offering was explored in ample detail, thanks to Rhea’s many ‘friends’ in the press.

  ‘Crap,’ said Manav as he made his way back to the bike. He had better get out of here before people traced this back to him.