Half Boyfriend

by Judy Balan, Kishore Manohar

  ‘Rhee …’ he finally willed himself to speak but she had hung up. He wondered if he should call her back but the jarring sound of his wife’s alarm going ‘I’m all about that bass’ warned him that it was probably too late.

  32

  Short Version: The heroine is lost and helpless as heroines are supposed to be. Spoiler: the President can sing.

  It had been a couple of weeks since Rhea had reached Patna and she was already homesick. For London, that is. She had been helping Manav with his speech and while he wasn’t nearly as insufferable as he had been in college, she could tell he was getting more fixated on her by the minute. And if there was anything that gave Rhea more palpitations than the thought of never going back to London, it was the thought of Manav following her to the ends of the earth to win her over. And that was exactly what he would do if she dumped him a second time. He was already a case study for abandonment issues: the other day, she had wandered into a different aisle at the supermarket and he had thought he had lost her again and made an emergency announcement from the reception. It had been beyond embarrassing. But embarrassment was the least of her concerns now. If she didn’t nip this in the bud—alright, hack this at the root—her life was going to turn into a psycho thriller playing on a loop. Come to think of it, Manav did mention once that his favourite SRK flick was Darr, not Dilwale Dulhaniya Le Jayenge. She had laughed it off at the time but now it made every little hair on the back of her neck (that was too short to wax, obviously) stand up. She had to do something but how? She had just got here and she had made the President pull strings on her behalf yet again. She couldn’t think of going back to him and asking him to bail her out of this.

  ‘It would just be wrong,’ Rhea said to herself, suddenly concerned about ethics. ‘There has to be another way … there has to be …’ She closed her eyes as she lay alone in bed that night and willed a solution to pop up into her head but she seemed to be enveloped in darkness and silence. She switched her phone on. It was 3:47 am. In less than five hours, Manav was coming over to pick her up and take her on a guided tour of his school. It was kind of a big deal because he had subtly indicated that she would be meeting his mother. The queen. The crazy lady who had sent cows to her house! Rhea tore the blanket off of her and jumped out of bed. She was sweating though the AC was on full blast. Suddenly, everything felt tight around her chest. She switched on the lights, guzzled the entire bottle of water on the side table and took off her clothes. Still nothing. The tightening sensation inside her chest felt like someone squeezing her heart from the inside. ‘Oh my god Oh my god Oh my god,’ Rhea chanted in her head. This had to be voodoo. Someone had sniffed out the prince’s interest in her and they weren’t happy. There was no other explanation.

  ‘It’s a panic attack,’ said the anxious but calm voice of the President at the other end. ‘You’re having a panic attack.’ Rhea’s resolve to not call the President had clearly ended badly. After all, he was the only one who had always had her back and bailed her out of the worst situations. And of course, Ro. But she didn’t want to think of him now. Something told her this attack would get a lot worse if she dwelled on that.

  ‘What … what is happening?’ Rhea said between gasps. She had heard of panic attacks, of course, but she had always dismissed them as something that happened to ‘psych cases.’

  The President found himself panicking at the other end. This was entirely his fault. But he ordered himself to calm down and help Rhea. More panic was the last thing this situation needed.

  ‘Rhea! Rhea! Listen to me!’ He heard the faint sound of Rhea mumbling something. ‘Rhea, listen! Stay with me!’ he had to yell.

  ‘Yes … yes, I’m here,’ she said feebly.

  ‘Now, tell me what happened. What is scaring you so much?’

  That was Rhea’s cue to burst out like a piñata of woes. ‘I’m sorry,’ she kept saying like a refrain between every paragraph. ‘I’ve burdened you enough with my problems. This is all my doing.’

  ‘No, it’s my fault,’ said the President. He hadn’t even realized what he’d just said. But it had got Rhea’s attention.

  ‘What? What are you talking about? How is this your fault?’

  ‘Uhh … oh … I meant I never should have muddled your head with all that dream interpretation stuff. What do I know? I may be the President but I don’t have a direct line to God.’

  ‘But you said that’s how you caught Bin Laden!’

  ‘Never mind what I said,’ said the President. ‘You need to get out of there. So I’m going to find a way to bring you here to the US.’

  Rhea felt herself coming back to life at the mention of that before going into panic mode again. ‘But … but what about all the signs?’

  ‘Screw the signs,’ said the now self-assured voice at the other end. ‘I’ve got this.’

  Rhea was able to breathe for a second. But she couldn’t help but feel she was digressing from the path that was chalked out for her. By the universe! Besides, she knew it was impossible to get rid of Manav once and for all even with the most powerful man in the world by her side. The thought of that made her go into a fresh bout of panic.

  ‘Rhea, are you okay? I have to go now,’ whispered the President.

  ‘No, no, please don’t,’ Rhea whimpered. ‘I need you.’

  Sensing the urgency in her tone, the President asked, ‘Tell me something that calms you.’

  Rhea thought hard through strained breaths. ‘Annie’s Song,’ she finally said. ‘Sing to me. Sing Annie’s Song.’

  Thirty seconds later when his right-hand man came bursting through the Oval Office to report another mass shooting, the President was still caught up in the song. For someone who had seen the President do far more questionable things, The Right Hand seemed particularly taken aback by the sight of him looking out the window of the Oval Office, singing Annie’s Song into his phone with extraordinary depth of emotion.

  ‘Mr President,’ he said in his I-come-bearing-earth-shattering-news voice but the President simply gestured for him to keep quiet while he continued singing.

  ‘Sir,’ the Right Hand said again. This time, the President turned around but his eyes were still closed and his free hand raised as the song hit a crescendo, ‘Come fill meeeee agaiiiiiiiiin …’

  Rhea was finally able to breathe. ‘Thank you,’ she whispered. ‘You’re my hero.’

  The President smiled as he hung up, pleased with himself for having been at the right place at the right time doing the right thing. He had just saved a life. These moments were so precious. Everyone assumed being President was like being Batman. It kind of was. Except they expected Batman to take on The Joker, The Riddler, The Mad Hatter, Two Face, Poison Ivy, Scarecrow and Bane all at once. And he didn’t even have an Alfred Pennyworth in his life to dole out sage advice. Just this harbinger of bad news who kept bursting into his room every hour to ruin his mood. ‘This is a win and I’m taking it,’ the President said to himself and took a deep breath.

  ‘What is it?’ he finally asked The Right Hand, bracing himself for more news of how he had failed the world.

  33

  Short Version: In this chapter we explore and perpetuate the evil mother-in-law/daughter-in-law stereotype by sandwiching our hero between two conspiring women (no, not that kind of sandwich, don’t be gross).

  Rhea had barely had a couple of hours’ sleep but she was in an unusually upbeat mood as she got ready to spend the day at Manav’s school and meet his mother. ‘I just have to get through today,’ she told herself as she adjusted the bindi on her forehead. It had been a while since she had worn one and she didn’t want to offend the queen by greeting her with a crookedly placed bindi. What if it was considered inauspicious in her culture? If she could send cows to her house as a sign of affection, just imagine what she’d send your way if you invited her wrath. Nope, Rhea wasn’t taking any risks today. If being a demure Indian princess is what was going to keep Manav and his mother happy and get her through
this day, then that’s exactly who she was going to be. But then again, it wasn’t that simple. Rhea had a way of wearing her emotions on her face and right now, she was happy. Unapologetically happy. She was going to the US of A. Perhaps, she’d finally get to fulfil her dream of singing at bars in New York, who knew. It was all wildly exciting but she couldn’t have Manav suspect a thing. The plan was to go to his school today, meet his mother, play the perfect daughter-in-law-to-be, probably even assure him that she loved him and rush to the airport once he was back at his palace dreaming about riding away with her on a white horse. It was cruel but it was the only way. You don’t break up with a psychopath. You flee him. And after all that the President had done for her, she couldn’t afford to botch this up.

  ‘Stop looking so happy, stop it!’ she scolded herself as she stood before the mirror. She had got the demure princess look spot on.

  ‘You look happy,’ Manav said as they drove through the bumpy roads of Patna, making Rhea’s expression switch from happy to guilty in nanoseconds. ‘StopitStopitStopit,’ Rhea scolded herself once again, looking visibly unsettled.

  ‘Did I say something wrong?’ asked a confused Manav.

  ‘Oh, no, it’s nothing,’ Rhea said. ‘I guess I am happy!’ she decided to go with the flow. ‘I mean, we’ve been preparing for this Bill Gates speech for a while now and I’ve heard so much about all that you want to do for this school, so I suppose it’s exciting to finally get to see the place.’ Manav looked surprised. Good surprised. This was probably the first time Rhea had been this vocal with him about her feelings. For something concerning him, that is. He had dreamt of this day since he had first set eyes on her and here she was, the love of his life, all wired to meet the other love of his life—mommy dearest. He couldn’t believe how life had finally worked out. ‘Thank you, Ozone,’ he whispered in his head.

  ‘So, do I look presentable enough for an audience with the queen?’ Rhea decided to make pointless conversation till they reached the village. Looking out the window lost in thought was clearly proving unsafe given that Manav was a walking talking version of that old Police song. He was watching her.

  ‘You look beautiful,’ came the predictable response.

  ‘Thank you for illustrating my point on why I could never marry you,’ Rhea thought to herself, keeping her fake coy smile intact. ‘I mean, if you’re going to be a complete psychopath,’ Rhea couldn’t stop her train of thought, ‘the least you can do is be interesting enough for people to want to put up with your crazies!’

  ‘What are you thinking?’ Manav asked, once again, making Rhea nervously snap out of her head. She hadn’t realized she had been looking at him the whole time.

  ‘Nothing,’ was the best she could do. So she sighed dramatically to make it seem as though she was in love with him but hugely conflicted. ‘Yes, that’s a believable story,’ Rhea told herself. ‘Just go with it.’

  ‘I don’t believe that but alright,’ Manav smiled. He didn’t seem to suspect a thing. This was good. Now all she had to do was convince his mother that she was in love with him and she’d be all set. She’d disappear without a trace. The President would see to that. She just had to find her way out of this hellhole and fly to Bombay (because Delhi would be too obvious) and he’d take care of the rest.

  Three hours later, they were in the school and Rhea was totally in character—twirling with the little girls who thought she had dropped from heaven, even popping into a class unannounced and giving them a free English lesson and everyone from the students to the watchman was under the famous Rhea Somany spell in a matter of one hour. Now if only she could spin the same magic around the queen. Rhea was restless. She wanted to get it over with as soon as possible. She couldn’t wait to get out of this place.

  ‘She should be here anytime now,’ Manav said, sensing her urgency which he interpreted as excitement.

  ‘That’s okay, I’ll play with the kids till then,’ Rhea said, skipping away with a group of seven-year-olds who wanted to show her how to fly a kite.

  Manav watched her fondly as she walked away. ‘She’s going to love it here,’ he thought to himself. Being in touch with reality wasn’t one of his strong points. ‘Together, we can re-invent the kingdom. Every child in this village will speak English,’ he thought, every bit like a man who was suspicious of “English types”.

  The precious touch of his mother’s hand on his shoulder shook him out of his daydream. ‘Ma! You’re here. We’ve been waiting for you,’ he said gleefully. ‘She’s here! You’re going to love her!’

  The evil queen stroked his cheek fondly. Her naïve little prince— she hated having to break his heart but this was for the greater good; the price of the calling, the weight of the crown, whatever you want to call it. ‘I can’t wait to meet her,’ she said and it was the truth. She couldn’t wait to set her eyes on this little bitch who had managed to get her son distracted from his very purpose for the last three years. And she couldn’t wait to see the shock and disappointment in her eyes as she broke the news to her that she could never be queen. All she needed was some alone time with the girl—easily handled, her minions were already on the job.

  ‘Well, let’s go, then,’ Manav hurried his mother like a feverish five-year-old who was just told he was going to the beach and could take his favourite teddy bear with him.

  ‘Ma, this is Rhea,’ Manav beamed as he led Rhea into the staff room where his mother sat. Rhea had rehearsed this moment several times before the mirror. ‘Hello aunty,’ ‘Hi aunty’ … nothing had worked. She decided to go with ‘Namaste auntyji’ which turned out to be a bit of an overkill because the queen didn’t buy it for one second. All she saw was a gold-digger who’d say or do anything to get to the throne. Her throne.

  The queen did a fabulous job of masking her displeasure, of course, but Rhea who was accustomed to enchanting people with her smile and the sound of her laughter, wasn’t convinced. ‘Should I have said “Namaste, your majesty”?’ Rhea wondered in her head.

  ‘She’s every bit as beautiful as I imagined,’ the queen said to Manav in Hindi. Manav looked like he was bursting at the seams with happiness but Rhea could tell there was something off about this lady. What if she could sense the whole thing was an act? Mothers were known for their ESP especially when it came to their sons. What if she shared her suspicions with Manav? She may never get out of this town if the psycho cells in Manav’s brain were activated.

  ‘Sit down, beta,’ the queen said and ordered her minions to bring her food and drink and generally fussed over her for the next twenty minutes, making Manav’s heart feel warm and gooey inside.

  Rhea didn’t want to eat. She was worried she might throw up given the situation. She couldn’t tell what the queen was really thinking and it was keeping her on pins. The perfect opportunity came up when the minions burst through the door asking for Manav. The MLA was here and was asking to see him.

  ‘Oh, crap,’ said Manav. ‘Why has he come unannounced? How am I supposed to leave now?’

  Manav knew if the MLA was here to see him, it must be important. But he had waited for this moment all his life—alright, for the last three years—and he didn’t want to leave Rhea’s side.

  ‘You carry on, beta,’ the queen said lovingly. ‘I will keep Rhea company.’

  Rhea gulped. She couldn’t tell what was coming up but she couldn’t wait to get over with it so she was relieved to see Manav leave the room.

  ‘Alright, listen up,’ said the queen sounding every bit like the evil queen she was, the minute Manav stepped out of the room and the door was closed. Rhea was taken aback by the massive shift in the queen’s countenance and general demeanour. She had no idea she’d pissed her off that much. Was her bindi crooked or something? ‘I don’t know what your deal is but I know for a fact that you don’t love my son …’

  ‘No, you’re wrong!’ Rhea started. She couldn’t have her go down this road. It would ruin everything. She had to convince this woman that she n
ot only loved her son but she was committed to staying here and helping the school for the rest of her life.

  ‘I don’t care,’ the queen cut in. ‘We don’t have much time, so listen. I don’t care if you do love him. And I don’t care how much he loves you or thinks he does. This is never going to happen because no woman is good enough for the throne and certainly not good enough for my son.’

  ‘Wait. What are you saying?’ Rhea was confused. But if the queen was saying what she thought she was saying, then this had panned out better than she could have imagined or hoped for.

  ‘I’m saying, find a way to break up with him. Leave this village, leave my son and never come back. Or I will make it my personal mission to ruin your happiness for the rest of your pathetic little urban life.’

  Rhea smiled her many-megawatt smile. She couldn’t believe what she was hearing. ‘Are you serious? You really want me to leave?’

  Now it was the queen’s turn to look confused. Was this girl actually happy to let go of the opportunity to be queen?

  ‘Uhh, yes,’ said the queen. ‘But why are you happy?’

  ‘Because you’re right. I don’t love him. And Manav isn’t one to give up. I’m afraid he’ll follow me to the ends of the earth and I must end it but I’m not sure how.’

  The queen looked thoroughly delighted. She hadn’t considered this possibility at all. ‘You leave the scheming to me,’ she said.

  ‘That’s the thing,’ said Rhea. ‘I want to leave tonight. I thought I’d tell him I love him—write him a letter or something—and just leave. At least he’d think that I loved him and won’t feel the need to track me down.’ Rhea realized how stupid that sounded only when it came out of her mouth.

  ‘Like I said,’ said the queen. ‘Leave the scheming to me. I’ve been doing this for a very long time.’

  ‘What do I do?’ asked Rhea desperately. She thought she could hear footsteps.

  ‘Right now, I need you to stay till the Bill Gates speech.’