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Redwood and Ponytail

Page 12

by K. A. Holt


  And yet,

  watching her

  giggling

  giggling

  giggling

  makes me wonder

  who is this girl

  sitting here

  with paint on her cheek

  laughing about Joe’s dimple?

  And why am I here

  at all?

  TAM

  Oh who am I kidding?

  I’m here because she’s here.

  I’m here because

  I get to hear

  her laugh.

  I get to see

  her smile.

  I get to smell

  the ripple of air

  when she walks by

  that smells a little like

  tangerines

  and a lot like . . .

  Kate.

  I’m here to feel the warmth

  when her elbow

  accidentally brushes mine.

  I just wish she’d look at me

  instead of the poster

  when she laughs

  or smiles,

  and maybe come near me

  and possibly

  actually

  recognize that I’m

  here

  standing

  in her room with

  everyone else.

  Kate

  Tam is so quiet,

  fiddling with the bracelet I made her,

  watching us all

  like she’s studying animals

  in the zoo.

  I wish she’d relax.

  I wish she’d laugh.

  I love it when she laughs.

  It’s like maybe a weird kind of music?

  Is that a strange thing to say?

  Out loud, I keep saying

  funny things,

  or things I think are funny,

  but she doesn’t laugh.

  She doesn’t even smile.

  She’s just watching us all

  like we’re aliens,

  like her headband is on too tight

  and all she wants to do is

  rip it off

  and throw it at us

  and I can’t quite figure out

  why.

  TAM

  Oh, Baby starts to play

  and the girls all sing along

  and Kate sings with them

  loudest of them all

  and for some reason

  my ears start to burn,

  my eyes start to sting,

  my mouth opens up

  and I act like I’m joking,

  I smile like I’m teasing,

  but my eyes,

  my eyes

  they just keep stinging,

  as I keep talking.

  For real, though,

  let’s talk about this poster,

  this ridiculous boy band.

  Let’s talk about music

  and how it shouldn’t make girls

  act dumb.

  Let’s talk about how fake these dudes are,

  how they have goo-goo eyes.

  Let’s talk about why in the world you like them,

  for real,

  no lies.

  Kate

  The squad looks at me

  like Tam just peed in their cornflakes

  and what can I do?

  Confess that I, too,

  don’t care about this band?

  That I would rather be

  outside

  under a tree

  in the quiet

  with Tam next to me?

  Instead, I sigh.

  Why are you so weird

  about this dumb band?

  (Becca sucks in her breath,

  whispers, so not dumb!)

  They sing catchy songs

  and whatever.

  You act like you’ll die

  if you hear one song.

  Like your brain will melt

  out of your ears,

  why do you hate them so much?

  TAM

  I keep talking

  for way too long,

  talking over

  the confused questions

  of the squad.

  I don’t get it.

  She doesn’t like MisDirection?

  You don’t like MisDirection?

  But the songs are so fun.

  It’s not like they’re Shakespeare.

  And the boys are so cute!

  If you don’t like MD, then why are you here?

  And it starts like I’m teasing,

  but by the end it’s not

  and I don’t understand

  why I’m feeling so worked up

  and I know I should

  really

  stop

  talking

  but I can’t

  because this is Kate.

  And why is she acting so strange?

  Why does her voice sound so high?

  Why would she fall for a goofball band

  and want to take the whole squad

  to a show?

  And I just don’t get it,

  I don’t.

  And now she’s telling me to shut up

  and she isn’t smiling anymore

  and I’m not sure what’s happened

  other than I’ve acted like a jerk

  and she just walked me outside

  and, uh,

  I guess I’m going home.

  Kate

  I don’t want her to leave

  but jeez

  can’t she just let it rest?

  Why does it even matter what music I like?

  Hasn’t Tam ever exaggerated anything?

  Hasn’t she ever tried to fit in?

  Probably not.

  Because she’s kind of perfect

  just the way she is.

  And now she’s gone home

  and I’m stuck here alone

  with the squad

  and they all think Tam is

  bonkers.

  How are you even friends with her

  anyway?

  She was just SO MEAN.

  Does she talk like that ALL

  the time?

  And you sit with her at lunch—

  —EVERY day?!

  Why, Kate?

  WHAT is going on?

  I’m starting to realize

  if I could really have my way

  I’d be outside with Tam

  and not stuck in here

  with these girls and shirts

  all day.

  And Becca looks at me

  like I’m the one

  who peed

  in her cornflakes

  and I . . .

  I start to feel this heaviness

  in my chest,

  the realization creeping in,

  like I’ve lost something

  and I have to sit down

  because I have that

  ripped-up feeling

  again,

  my insides like Mom’s floor,

  and can it be?

  The heaviness inside is me

  losing . . . me.

  TAM

  I cross the street,

  kicking my feet,

  scuffing my shoes

  on the rocks.

  Whatever.

  Whatever.

  And the thoughts I hate

  that I work so hard

  to keep away

  creep in

  like the dust

  my scuffing shoes

  kick up.

  Sure, I high-five everyone

  in the halls at school

  and Levi and I

  are the masters of cool

  but here’s the real deal,

  the actual truth:

  I don’t fit anywhere.

  Especially with girls like that.

  I’ve always been the one on the outside,

  the weirdo book

  that doesn’t fit on any shelf.

  Kate


  Mom eyes the paint on the newspapers

  noting, I guess,

  that my bedroom floor is safe

  from paint

  whew.

  She asks if my new friend

  —Tam, Mom—

  had fun,

  and says thank goodness

  she’s not as messy with paint

  as she is with flour.

  Mom asks if it bothers my new friend

  —Tam, Mom—

  to not be part of the squad.

  She asks why my new friend

  —TAM, MOM—

  left early,

  and makes sure I remember, right,

  that there aren’t any extra tickets,

  for people who aren’t on the squad?

  She asks if I’m getting excited for my birthday,

  excited for the show.

  She’s thinking of letting us all go

  alone

  because I’m such a leader

  and she trusts me so much

  and man . . .

  my head throbs,

  my stomach twists

  as I realize

  she’d never say that last part

  to someone who’s just a mascot.

  Mascots aren’t leaders.

  Mascots are jokes.

  Sigh.

  It’s not a good sign that

  my plan to ease Mom

  into all my new plans

  has already

  backfired.

  TAM

  I feel so stupid.

  The first words out of my mouth

  when Frankie opens the door

  and I storm in.

  I really do.

  Like,

  am I jealous

  of a poster?

  Of a picture?

  Of a bunch of dudes?

  That doesn’t even make any sense.

  But like Mom says,

  I am feeling my feelings right now,

  and Frankie,

  my feelings are that I could rip that poster

  off that wall

  wad it up

  into a big stupid ball

  and kick it

  into the sun.

  Those are strong feelings.

  Duh, Frankie!

  I know!

  Hey. Watch your tone.

  Sorry, I just . . .

  I feel stupid.

  What makes you feel stupid?

  I don’t know.

  All of it.

  Kate.

  Everything.

  I’m going to risk your wrath,

  and ask

  again:

  What makes you feel stupid, Tam?

  But I can’t say

  out loud

  what I think I’m figuring out.

  That I want Kate to look at me

  like she looks at that poster.

  That I want to be

  her star.

  I just do,

  is what I actually say

  and Frankie nods.

  And I feel the feelings,

  I feel the stupid,

  I feel confusion and . . . shame?

  I feel it crawling all over

  my scrunched-up

  face.

  TAM

  Hey, Mom?

  I just wanted to tell you

  that I . . . I think I like Kate.

  Like . . .

  Like-like?

  And—

  What!?

  First love!

  Oh, Tam!

  Oh, honey!

  It’s so exciting!

  Have you told her?

  Is she over the moon?

  You know how lucky she is

  to have you?

  Good grief, Mom.

  Stop.

  Please.

  I was going to say . . .

  I think I like Kate AND . . .

  I don’t know what to do.

  I went a little crazy.

  Not in a good way.

  I was mean to her for no reason

  and, ugh.

  What should I do?

  Have you told her how you feel?

  Talked it out? At all?

  You can’t know what she’s thinking

  or feeling

  by just guessing,

  you know.

  What words would I even use?

  Just tell her the truth.

  But she was weird today.

  Like someone I don’t even know.

  THAT Kate is not the one I like.

  She really freaked me out.

  Come here.

  Give me a hug.

  You’re okay.

  She’s okay.

  Don’t make assumptions

  about what people think.

  You just have to talk to her . . .

  okay?

  Alex

  Alyx

  Alexx

  The electricity.

  The air.

  Something different.

  No zing.

  No crackle.

  Something wrong.

  Redwood leans.

  Ponytail wilts.

  Something weird.

  Let’s get closer.

  Let’s watch out.

  Let’s pay attention.

  Kate

  She’s quiet today.

  Even in the halls.

  She’s never quiet.

  Especially in the halls.

  She’s not smiling.

  Not even at Levi.

  She never doesn’t smile.

  Especially at Levi.

  At her locker

  I bump her shoulder with mine.

  She doesn’t bump back.

  Okay.

  Something is definitely up.

  Tam is definitely mad.

  TAM

  It’s not that I don’t want to see her.

  I always want to see her.

  It’s not that I don’t like her.

  I always like her.

  It’s not even that I’m mad.

  Am I mad?

  It’s just . . .

  which Kate am I going to see today?

  MisDirection Kate?

  Or my Kate?

  And why are there so many

  Kates?

  And what am I supposed to say

  about any of it?

  I definitely don’t want to say . . .

  the liking thing.

  Because seriously.

  Who knows which Kate would hear me?

  Who knows what she’d say?

  Kate

  It’s our Falcon Queen!

  David yells

  as I sit at the table

  and pull out my sandwich.

  But you better watch out

  for that chicken head,

  Mark laughs.

  Did you see when he did that flip?

  Whoever that kid is,

  he’s hilarious.

  Then it’s Mark and David

  talk talk talking

  about how great the fake

  mascot is

  while Becca interjects

  Yearbook!

  and blinds us all with her flash.

  Super.

  Awesome.

  Just what I want.

  Let’s talk about the stupid fake mascot

  and go blind from all the camera flashes

  when I already don’t want to sit here

  to eat my stupid lunch.

  Now even the squad joins in to laugh

  until they see my face and stop,

  except it’s not the mascot

  making me pout.

  My three bites of sandwich

  curl up in my stomach,

  turn into rocks,

  start to tumble

  when I see Tam sit down,

  so far away,

  across from Levi,

  a grin on her face.

  Wow.

  Look at her.

&nbs
p; Laughing and chatting.

  Levi makes her so happy,

  and what do I do?

  I make her mad.

  Kate

  I can’t figure it out.

  What that kid has

  to make Tam smile

  so big

  and laugh

  so hard

  every time

  they’re together.

  I can’t figure it out.

  But I want to know.

  What is the secret?

  What is the magic

  that gives Tam

  the Levi glow?

  TAM

  What’s up, nerd?

  Not much, turd.

  Gonna give me a bite?

  Only if you give me one first.

  Levi snatches my pizza.

  I grab his brownie.

  It’s been so long

  since Levi and I were just . . .

  me and Levi,

  and I admit it’s pretty nice

  to sit and joke

  and high-five

  and be dorks.

  But . . .

  I see her.

  Over his shoulder.

  Ponytail swishing as she swats

  David’s arm,

  smacks Mark’s head,

  giggles so loud

  I could hear it a hundred miles away.

  Hellooooooo.

  It’s like you’re a hundred miles

 

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