by K. A. Holt
Up is down and down is up.
Can anything else happen?
Any more wildness in store?
What will tomorrow bring?
I’m almost afraid to know.
I’m almost afraid to know.
I’m almost afraid to know.
Kate
The first one was easy
yank
rip
trash.
I never even stopped walking,
smooth,
chin high,
hiding in plain sight.
I yanked another,
I ripped another,
filled the trash in every hall.
Tam’s posters crumpled,
her grins,
her blah-blah VOTE FOR MEs
shredded in the bins
looking up at me
and it was like I was watching
a brand-new Kate
take over my arms
like I couldn’t believe
this girl
was doing this terrible thing
so easily
and with a smile.
I was on my way out the door
before I heard,
Douglass? What in the world?
Now I’m in the principal’s office
and let’s just say . . . it’s not great.
Kate
I don’t get in trouble.
That’s not a thing I do.
So watching the principal’s mouth
turn into a deep, long line
while she paces back and forth
makes my brain
sting in a way
it has never stung before.
You gave such a nice speech!
This doesn’t make sense!
Her hands go to her hips
as she says words like:
Irresponsible.
She says,
Really disappointing.
She says,
I thought you were
one of our leaders,
She says,
one of our best kids.
She says,
But now . . .
She says,
You’re off the ballot.
She says,
That’s for sure.
She says,
And you’re replacing the posters.
She says,
That’s also for sure.
And the words hang
in the air
thick
clinging
to my stinging brain,
Your mom is on the way,
she says,
her final words,
the worst of them all,
as I sit here
hands on my face.
TAM
I should be mad.
I want to be mad
as the principal explains
Kate has been sent home.
(What!)
She will be making me
all new posters
before election day.
(What!)
And Kate
is off the ballot,
having proven
she is not a good candidate
for student council.
(What! WHAT!)
And she will have detention
for quite some time
to learn about respect
and blah blah blah.
I should be mad.
I want to be mad.
But I know I pushed her,
I know it was my fault.
I know I ruined this for her
by being a huge jerk.
I take a deep breath
and tell the principal
I don’t care about the posters,
I quit the election,
whatshisname can win,
I just want all of this to be over.
Kate
Mom isn’t talking,
which is weird because
Mom always talks,
especially when she’s mad.
But right now she’s super quiet
as the car hums its way home.
It’s lucky,
she says finally
the MisDirection tickets
are nonrefundable.
She looks at me.
Hard.
You’re lucky
the show is tomorrow.
You’re lucky
I’m too busy
to try to sell them online.
I look down at my lap.
I bought those to help you.
But no.
You don’t want to be captain.
I don’t know, Katherine . . .
What has gotten into you?
What is your problem?
I almost start to laugh because,
my problem?
I already TOLD HER
and she didn’t LISTEN to me.
My problem is so much more
than concert tickets
I could SCREAM.
TAM
Maybe I should say I’m sorry
to Kate
for the election,
for everything.
Though she was mean, too,
saying those things,
tearing up my posters.
I just . . .
if she feels as confused
as I do
then maybe we can start over.
Kate
Can I come in?
Jill’s at my door.
A quiet knock.
Sure.
Ready for the concert?
The big party?
I guess.
People will be getting here soon.
Might want to get dressed.
Okay.
Kate?
Yeah?
You all right?
It’s my birthday.
I’m great.
I’m totally fine.
Really?
Yes!
She comes to my bed,
grabs me in a hug,
whispers,
You know I’ll always love you,
no matter who you love.
I know,
I whisper back,
I love you, too.
And my heart caves in a little bit.
Will I ever be able to love me, too?
TAM
The front door opens.
Oh.
It’s you.
I don’t know what to say,
I’m not even sure why I’m here
except,
You tore down all my posters.
My arms cross,
hugging my chest.
I thought you hated posters.
I roll my eyes.
Yes. You’re hilarious.
Kate sighs deep
and long
like it comes from her toes.
She looks at the floor
then says,
You can’t actually do
any of that,
you know.
Any of what?
The things in your speech.
I know.
Then why did you say it?
To make me look dumb?
I shrug.
I wanted to show you . . .
I don’t know.
Mostly I just wanted you to
see me.
I see you every day.
Your face.
Those posters.
I laugh.
My posters?
You’re the one who’s
everywhere.
Anyway.
I’m sorry.
Why are YOU sorry?
I’m the one who threw a fit.
I acted like a baby.
I gave you the election.
I don’t want the election.
I quit.
What?!
Then what DO you want?
I want . . .
There’s a lot of noise,
then,
running,
chaos
as the squad appears
behind Kate
on the stairs.
Wha—
MisDirection.
My birthday.
MDOMG, how could I forget?
She just looks at me,
her eyes red,
mouth turned down.
I don’t know.
How could you?
Kate
In the doorway
she looks smaller
than she ever has before.
Hunched over,
hands in her pockets,
and I’m not sure what she wants.
Except . . .
she always knows what she wants.
That’s a Tam thing.
A Tam specialty.
So surely she’s here for a reason,
surely she wants something.
She just looks at me, though,
like she’s trying to remember who I am,
like she’s trying to recognize my face,
like I’m a stranger
in some strange land.
TAM
Why am I here again?
That’s the question of the night.
How did I end up at her house
when she clearly hates me,
is clearly busy
with this birthday party
and as always
I’m extra,
in the way,
not part of the group,
ugh,
okay, Tam.
Time to go for real.
Forever.
Time to get away.
TAM
The floors are finished.
I blurt,
feet frozen
for some reason,
not leaving
for some reason.
Yes.
Don’t they look great?
I . . . guess?
The girls are all so loud,
shouting for Kate
to come upstairs.
I should probably . . .
Yes.
Go up there.
It’s your big day.
Sorry I interrupted.
Unless . . .
Unless . . .
You probably hate me now.
Her chin sticks out,
her bottom lip
in the smallest of pouts.
Her face points to the floor,
but her eyes lift,
looking at me,
seeing me,
until my heart flips
and flops
and flips
again
and hate is not the word
I’d ever use for her.
Hate you?
Over some stupid posters?
I have a lot more reasons to hate you
than just that.
Her eyes flare wide,
her chin quivers.
Hey.
Hey.
I was just kidding.
I could never hate you, Kate.
Why would you think that?
Well,
uh,
Her eyes again.
I can’t stop looking at them.
Deep, dark,
black mysteries
as she
glances behind her,
says,
Want to come in?
She’s staring at the floor now,
instead of me,
her words rushed,
her cheeks pink.
Sure,
my mouth says,
before my brain can catch up.
For a minute.
But then I have to go.
Why would I say yes?
Her mom is in there.
And the whole squad.
This is a terrible idea.
But when she looks up,
her face is hopeful,
her eyes so wide,
if I said no right now,
I might actually curl up
and die.
Kate
She’s here,
and I have so much to say,
but the whole squad
sits in my room
chattering,
looking at Tam
out of the sides of their eyes
like
she might burst into flames
and there’s just no way
to actually talk
or say anything
so I don’t.
TAM
The squad’s MisDirection shirts,
glittering at me
make me realize immediately
this was a bad idea.
I was never meant to be here,
not for the party,
or the concert,
or even in Kate’s life.
Everything about me is too different.
Too not perfect.
I will never fit
no matter how hard Kate tries.
Kate
Presents!
Becca yells,
as the squad surrounds me.
The last thing I see
before the blindfold goes on
is Tam in the corner
looking completely lost.
TAM
Okay.
It’s time to leave.
This isn’t the Kate
who was at the front door.
Her eyes fooled me
for just a minute
but now I see the truth.
The yo-yo friend is
back again
the old Kate
everyone else knows so well.
Kate
Sharp light
underlines
the bottom of the blindfold
as Becca giggles
and the other girls do, too.
I yank off the blindfold
as soon as Becca yells
Okay, open!
and the first thing I see is Tam,
making her way to the door,
but she’s stopped,
trapped,
by a life-size cutout of Ben,
the brooding one.
Becca squeals,
the others do, too:
We know you like the moody type!
and
You finally have a boyfriend now!
They all laugh, and
Tam starts to laugh, too,
but it’s different,
harsh and loud.
She swipes at tears,
casting her glance around.
Looking at us,
at the MisDirection poster,
at giant Ben,
at me.
Her nose is running,
but she doesn’t seem to care.
My Redwood,
so angry.
TAM
I can’t be here anymore.
I want out.
I need out.
She’s clearly made her choice:
The squad.
MisDirection.
Boyfriends.
That’s it.
I make it to the door, but
the cutout of Ben taunts me,
haunts me,
his pretty face
so concerned.
I flick him in the forehead,
and my mouth starts talking
before I realize it.
TAM
These boys
make themselves
look
[flick]
like
[flick]
girls
[flick]
so the girls
[flick]
will
[flick]
like
them.
[flick]
Can’t you see that?
Isn’t that weird?
There is a dent in Ben’s
perfect
forehead
now.
But if you’re a girl
[flick]
who likes girls
[flick]
then the same girls
[flick]
who like boys who look like girls
[flick]
think you’re the weird one.
[flick]
Is that what you’re afraid of, Kate?
That you’re the weird one, Kate?
I walk over to her.
Stand so close to her.
I can feel the bursts of her
breath