by A. K. Evans
I curled my fingers around the side of the bag and lifted it. It didn’t weigh much. After pulling it toward my chest, I unrolled the top of it and peeked inside. The minute I saw what was inside, I lifted my head and gave Zev a questioning look.
“How is this going to help me?” I questioned him.
“You said that a second date is a problem because the men will have expectations,” he started. “This is your insurance. Now, you can have that second date, and if anyone expects more than you want to give, you’ve got back up.”
“I can’t blast a guy in the face with pepper spray,” I argued.
“If he’s not taking no for an answer, you absolutely can.”
I cocked an eyebrow and pointed out, “Or I could just not lead him on by even going out on a second date to begin with.”
Zev shrugged. “You could. But then you’ll never know if you’re missing out on something or someone good. Maybe you aren’t feeling a connection because the guys you’ve been going out with are feeling nervous. Perhaps if they had the chance to get to know you better, they’ll feel more comfortable on the second date.”
“So you think that the men I’m going on a first date with aren’t showing me who they really are?” I asked.
“Maybe not all of them. But perhaps some of them are feeling nervous,” he suggested.
I had to admit he made a valid argument. It was entirely possible that some of the guys I’d been dating were nervous. The only problem I saw with Zev’s line of thinking was that if I gave them a second date, I found it very unlikely that any of them would turn out to be him.
Shaking my head, I stated, “You don’t even want to know what I thought was in this bag.”
“Yes, I do,” he insisted as he lifted his drink in his hand. I watched as his lips closed around the straw. The man was utterly divine, and I wanted nothing more than to have his lips on me.
“Well, I just thought with the discreet bag and all that you had found a way to give me something that would act as a boyfriend without the hassle of all the dating problems.”
Zev’s brows shot up. He took another sip of his drink.
Thinking he was confused by what I’d said, I spelled it out for him. I lowered my voice and leaned toward him. “I thought this was a vibrator.”
Zev choked. I shot back in my seat as I watched him drop the cup to the table and cough repeatedly. He pounded the side of his fist against his chest several times before the coughing subsided.
When he brought his eyes to mine, he hissed, “Jesus Christ, Tillie. What are you trying to do to me?”
My eyes widened. “What? That was a valid assumption,” I defended myself.
Zev’s face changed, directing a look at me that indicated he thought I was crazy.
Feeling sheepish, I looked away and murmured, “It would have solved all of my dating problems.”
I barely got the words out before I felt Zev’s hand curl around mine and squeeze.
“Tillie…” He trailed off.
I brought my eyes to his.
“You’re going to find someone to make you happy,” he declared.
“Maybe I’ll get a cat,” I blurted because I couldn’t handle the sweetness he was handing me as his fingers touched my skin.
Zev pulled his hand away from mine. I felt the loss and hated it. “A cat?” he questioned me.
Nodding, I explained, “Yeah. You know, I’ll start with one and suddenly I’ll see strays everywhere and start rescuing them. Before you know it, I’ll be so busy with all my ceramics and cats that I won’t have time to think about the fact that I’m alone.”
“Babe?” Zev called.
“Yeah?”
“You’ll never be alone.”
His voice was sweet, and I knew he meant to indicate that I’d always have him. As much as I loved knowing that, I still wanted more.
And I wanted it with him.
Unfortunately, Zev never made any moves to indicate that he was interested in anything beyond friendship with me. I tried to put myself out there. I tried to make it obvious how much I wanted him; however, there was no way I’d ever cross that line unless he made the first move. Maybe that was foolish. Maybe I was punishing myself unnecessarily. But I didn’t think I had it in me to take that risk and possibly lose my friendship with him forever.
Before I had the chance to respond to Zev, his phone rang. He looked at the display, and I watched his face grow confused before he said, “I don’t know who this is.”
“Answer it,” I urged. “It’s fine.”
He swiped his finger across the screen and held the phone to his ear. “Hello?”
There was a pause before he said, “This is Zev Petersen. Who’s calling?”
In the next instant, I watched as my best friend’s entire state of being changed. His whole body went rigid and his knuckles on the hand that were holding the phone had turned white.
Something was wrong.
Something was very, very wrong.
“I’m on my way now,” he said as he stood and disconnected.
Zev didn’t explain anything to me. He pulled his wallet out of his jeans, threw more money than was necessary to cover the bill down on the table, and grabbed my hand.
“Zev?” I called as I moved out of the booth to stand in front of him.
“It’s Liam,” he deadpanned.
Then, he tugged on my hand and led me out of the restaurant.
Dread.
That was all I felt.
That was all I saw.
We’d been sitting in the hospital waiting room for what felt like hours now.
Once we’d left the restaurant, I sat beside Zev in his truck as he drove us to the hospital. I didn’t speak. He didn’t speak.
I had a feeling we both knew that it was bad. Liam was a stuntman, and he’d been at a shoot this week. Something happened to him. Neither Zev nor I could bring ourselves to even talk about it.
Now, I was sitting beside my best friend while we waited with his parents for news about my other best friend. This was, by far, the worst moment of my life.
I kept my hand curled around Zev’s bicep, holding on because I needed it while hoping I was giving him some comfort.
As I sat there, I silently started making deals with God. I wasn’t necessarily a very religious person, but in that moment, I needed to do something. So, I prayed. I promised if Liam survived whatever had happened to him, I’d never complain again about being alone. I’d go on a thousand bad first dates just to know that he was okay.
I had no clue if that was a worthy or reasonable trade, but I was willing to try anything.
Suddenly, there was the distinct sound of cold metal doors opening. I looked up, saw the face of the doctor, and immediately knew.
My heart was in my stomach. A boulder was lodged in my throat. My fingers tightened on Zev’s arm.
When the doctor was standing in front of us, he said, “Mr. and Mrs. Petersen?”
They were already standing, but they couldn’t speak.
Zev stood and answered, “Yeah. And I’m Liam’s brother. How is he?”
The doctor hesitated. He shifted his eyes from Zev to me and back again. I watched as his Adam’s apple bobbed in his throat when he took a deep swallow. Then, he answered, “I’m sorry. Please accept my condolences. We did absolutely everything we could, but we couldn’t revive your brother.”
No.
No.
No!
I knew it had been coming the minute I saw the doctor’s face, but hearing those words were like taking a knife in my heart. Zev and Liam’s mom, Janet, let out a shrill sound as she nearly collapsed. Her husband, Ron, held on to her, and I choked back a sob as Zev’s body rocked back. I couldn’t even pay attention to anything else but him at that point.
“Oh my God,” he cried as I held on to him. “No. Please, Liam. No,” he begged.
I didn’t know what to do. Between the losses I felt losing Liam and the weight of sorrow I felt
for Zev’s pain, I didn’t know if my heart would survive.
“Zev,” I rasped.
I was instantly crushed against his chest. Holding on to him as tight as I could, I cried as his body shook with the force of his sobs.
“Tillie,” he wailed. “He’s gone. Liam’s gone.”
I squeezed him tighter. “I know, honey. I know,” I sobbed.
The next thing I knew we were falling. Zev and I had collapsed to the ground. He held on to me as we plummeted to the floor and buried his face in my neck when we got there. It took a long time for us to cry it out. I had no idea how much time had passed.
Zev’s body started to shudder with each inhale he took. I did my best to comfort him, alternating between stroking his back and squeezing him.
“What are we going to do, Tillie?” he whimpered, his voice so small and broken.
I took his face in my hands and looked him in the eyes. Zev had never disappointed me. He’d never let me down. I needed to do the same for him. “We’ll get through this, Zev. I promise you.”
The pain in his eyes was enough to make me want to start crying all over again. But I couldn’t. I needed to be strong for him. I’d process my own loss another time.
“I promise,” I repeated. “I’ll get us through this.”
With that, Zev closed his eyes and hugged me close to him again before he broke down into another round of sobbing.
Tillie
Time heals all wounds.
I didn’t know who came up with the sentiment, but it dawned on me that perhaps the individual had been referring to physical wounds.
Because it had been three days.
Three long, agonizing days of despair. Three days since I sat in the hospital with Zev and his parents waiting for news about Liam.
Three days since Liam died.
And with each day that went by, I felt worse. I hadn’t accepted it. I hadn’t come to terms with it. Hell, I didn’t even find comfort in the fact that Liam had died doing something he loved.
He was thirty years old. Just thirty. Only two years ago, he was my age.
How could he be gone?
Just like that.
One day I was talking to him on the phone, joking with him. Not even a full week later, I was hit with the cold, hard truth that I’d never speak to him again.
I missed him.
For three days, I missed my best friend.
I wanted him back. I wanted him to knock on my door and tell me we were going to go to the movie theater.
But that wasn’t going to happen.
Never again would I get to see the smile on his face when he took me to see one of his movies. I’d never hear the softness in his voice when he wanted to encourage me in anything ever again.
Instead of hearing his voice or seeing his face, I laid my head down on my pillow every night for three nights and cried. That was the only sound in my place. Not a knock on the door. Not a phone ringing from my nightstand. Not a voice that had comforted me more times in my life than I’d ever deserved.
The way he loved and protected me was something I knew I’d feel the loss of for a long time to come… probably forever.
On more than one occasion since that doctor walked out and delivered the news about Liam, I found myself wanting to break. When I woke up this morning, it hit me the hardest. Because today I had to say goodbye to a man who meant the world to me. I didn’t want to do that. I wasn’t ready for it. I wanted to pretend it hadn’t happened. I wanted to throw my body to the ground, kicking and screaming, begging for him to come back.
But I couldn’t.
I couldn’t.
I’d been holding it together for three days as best I could.
And I was doing that because Zev needed me. Zev needed someone to be strong so he didn’t have to be.
After years of being there for me the way he and Liam both had been, this was the least I could do for him. Whatever he needed to get through this, I’d give it to him.
Over the last three days, he’d been a mess. I understood it. I understood the pain he felt as though I’d been shot in the heart myself. I went to his place and just sat with him. I fielded phone calls and entertained his guests that stopped by to give their condolences. And when everybody was gone for the day, I fought to keep him going. He refused food, but I made him eat.
Somewhere along the line, I realized that taking care of Zev right now was the only thing keeping me together. Considering I didn’t want to fall apart, I planned to continue to take care of my best friend until I knew he was okay again. Judging by how hard he was taking Liam’s death, I knew I had a couple months of work ahead of me.
That didn’t matter, though. I’d do this for the rest of my life if that’s what Zev needed. I’d never give up on seeing him through this.
So, I took a deep breath as I looked at myself in the mirror one last time. I don’t know why I did that. I didn’t care what I looked like other than wanting to look half decent out of respect for Liam. Makeup wasn’t an option. Between my puffy, red-rimmed eyes and the bags underneath them, I knew I was a sight. But the tears would fall today, so any attempt to brighten up my face would be futile.
Deciding it was the best I was going to get, I grabbed my keys and my purse and left.
Not quite fifteen minutes later, I was standing at Zev’s front door. He opened it seconds after I knocked and was clearly distressed. The minute his eyes locked with mine, I saw them well up with tears. He shook his head and worried, “I don’t think I can do this today, Tillie. I can’t.”
Wasting no time, I stepped inside and closed the door before throwing my arms around his shoulders. I felt his arms engulf my body and pull me close.
“Yes, you can,” I assured him, squeezing him a little tighter. “We’re going to do this together today, Zev. Me and you. And we’re going to do it for Liam.”
Zev held on in silence for a little while. When he stepped back, he brought his hands to his tie that was hanging around his neck. As he began to tie it, I asked, “Have you spoken with your parents today?”
He shook his head and paced the room, still fumbling with his tie. “No. But I got a call from my dad last night. He wanted to let me know that my aunt and uncle’s flight made it in and to confirm the times for everything today.”
By the time he finished speaking, he still hadn’t managed to fix his tie. I went to him and wrapped my arms around his bicep. He stopped and looked at me curiously.
“Let me help you,” I said gently.
Zev turned his body completely to face mine. It was in this moment that I was forever grateful for the fact that I’d watched and paid attention when my mom fixed my dad’s ties for him. As I began to slowly do the same for Zev, I stared up at the man I loved. The man who was currently breaking my heart more than it already was. There was nothing but pain and devastation in his eyes. Even though I felt more pain than I thought I could stand, seeing Zev’s pain made me want to take all of his on my shoulders. I wanted to take it all from him.
“Tillie,” he whispered as my eyes shifted to his tie.
“I know, Zev,” I whispered back.
“What are we going to do without him?” he asked.
I adjusted the knot in the tie up at his neck and stared up at his face. “I don’t know, honey. But we’ll figure it out together. Never alone, right?”
Zev dipped his chin in agreement.
“Are you ready to go?” I asked gently.
He shook his head.
I swallowed hard and took his hand in mine. After giving it a squeeze, I promised, “I’ll be right by your side all day. Whatever you need, you tell me. Okay?”
His eyes filled with tears again as he gave me a nod.
“Good. Do you need anything else before we leave?”
“Sunglasses,” he replied.
“In your truck?” I asked.
“Yeah.”
I nodded and said, “Alright. Then let’s get your sunglasses before we go.”
With that, Zev and I grabbed his sunglasses, locked up his place, and left.
We walked through Zev’s front door again later that night after we’d spent some time at his parents’ place. It had been rough for him all day at the church where they had a service for Liam before we went to the cemetery. But by the time we made it to his parents’ home for a smaller gathering for the immediate family members, I noticed Zev had started to relax a bit.
He was still in a tremendous amount of pain, but the anxiety I’d seen in him for the last several days, and especially this morning, was gone.
I didn’t think he was over it. Not in the least. But he’d certainly gotten beyond what I think he’d been dreading since the moment he heard those words the doctor spoke. I was pretty sure the drinks he’d had at his parents’ place helped, too. He had enough that he was certainly feeling a bit of a buzz, but he wasn’t what I’d consider drunk. Not even close. And if having a few drinks helped numb the pain for him, I didn’t mind being his designated driver.
When we made it inside his house, I went through and turned on a few lights.
“Rough day,” I declared.
He grunted and agreed, “Yeah. You can say that again.”
“But we got through it. And it’s going to get easier,” I assured him.
Zev closed his eyes and sighed. “I know. It just hurts a lot right now.”
“Yeah,” I murmured, looking down at the ground. “I know.”
I could feel the emotions I’d been holding back all day coming to the surface. I didn’t want to burden Zev with it and undo any of the progress he’d made in the second half of the day today, so I needed to find a way to get out.
Unfortunately, before I could indicate to Zev that I was going to get going, I felt him move close to me. I lifted my gaze from the living room floor and found he was mere inches away from me.
His hand came up and his fingers curled around the back of my arm. As his thumb stroked gently along the skin there, I was frozen on the spot.