by A. K. Evans
Zev had never touched me like this.
I swallowed hard just before he spoke in a low, husky tone. “Thank you for being here with me today, Tillie.”
I tipped my head back to look at him. “Of course. I told you this morning. Whatever you need, I’m here for you. And you know that goes beyond today, too.”
“Can you stay here with me tonight?” he asked.
His thumb was still stroking my arm. My chest was rapidly rising and falling.
“Of course,” I replied still trying to ignore what his touch was doing to me. “Anything you need. I should just probably run home real quick and grab some clothes to sleep—”
I didn’t get to finish my sentence because Zev cut me off. And he did it by kissing me.
I stood there, frozen in shock, for several moments. But then I could no longer ignore it because I had dreamt of this moment for years.
Zev was kissing me.
He still had one hand holding my arm while the other drove into my hair and landed at the back of my head. His full lips captured mine before I felt the tip of his tongue asking for permission to enter my mouth.
I’d give him anything, so I parted my lips and let him inside. I was a mix of emotions as our tongues explored one another’s mouth. He tasted incredible, a hint of the Jack Daniel’s Tennessee Whiskey he’d had earlier still lingered on his tongue.
Zev’s hand that had been on my arm came around my back and landed on the opposite side at my ribs. He used it to nudge me forward until my body was pressed tight to his with my hands plastered against his chest.
As we continued to kiss, I could feel something happening between us. Not in the metaphorical sense either. It was Zev. I could feel him growing hard between us. While I liked knowing that he was attracted to me, I was nervous.
I needed to stop this and talk to him.
Somehow, I managed to pull my mouth away from his.
“Zev,” I started as I tried to catch my breath.
“I need you, Tillie,” he pleaded with me before I could say anything else.
“Maybe we should talk first,” I suggested.
Zev didn’t answer. He dropped his head to my neck and began kissing along the skin there. Instantly, I felt a rush of wetness between my legs. I pressed them together, but that only lasted a few seconds. The next thing I knew, Zev had lifted me causing my legs to wrap around his waist.
We were chest to chest as he began moving through the house. My shoes fell off my feet only moments before we entered Zev’s bedroom.
This was happening.
This was really going to happen.
I didn’t know what to do. I’d wanted this for as long as I could remember, so I didn’t want to stop it from happening. But he had to know the truth.
Once he lowered me to my feet beside the bed, he started kissing me again. After throwing his suit jacket off to the side, his hands went to work on completely removing the tie he’d loosened the minute we got to his parents’ house earlier in the day.
My hands had been resting on his hips, using them to keep myself steady. But before I could stop myself, they left his hips and went to the buttons of his shirt. Everything became frantic. I worked from the top button down while he worked from the bottom up.
With his shirt gone, Zev’s hands went to the zipper at the back of my dress. He unzipped the dress and brought his hands to my shoulders. Then, he watched as he slid it down my arms, and over the swells of my breasts until it pooled on the floor at my feet.
This was too much.
Too much of everything.
Emotion.
Pleasure.
Pain.
Zev kept his eyes on my nearly naked body while he started to unbuckle his belt and open his pants.
My God.
I was going to see Zev Petersen naked.
And I had a very good feeling that we were going to make love.
“Zev,” I whispered when he was standing in front of me in nothing but his underwear.
He didn’t respond with words. At least, not immediately.
Instead, he brought one hand behind my back and unclasped my bra. The ease with which he did that amazed me. My body trembled under the intense scrutiny of his gaze as he guided the straps of my bra down my arms until it fell from my body.
“You’re so beautiful,” he said softly.
And in the next moment, I experienced ecstasy. Zev cupped one of my breasts in his hand and stroked over the nipple while he urged me to my back in his bed. Then, his mouth closed over my other breast. His tongue swirled around my nipple, teasing me.
The sensation was unlike anything I’d ever felt before, and I couldn’t stop myself from letting out a moan and wrapping my legs around Zev’s waist again. Once I did that, he groaned.
I liked that.
I liked it a lot.
“Zev,” I called. He didn’t answer, and I wondered if he’d heard me. Raising my voice a touch, I called his name again. “Zev, please stop a minute.”
He released my breast from his mouth and lifted his head to look me in the eyes. That look alone had me kicking myself. I never should have stopped him.
“Maybe we should slow down and talk about this first,” I suggested.
“I don’t want to talk, Tillie,” he started. “I want this pain to go away. Please. Will you make it stop hurting?”
I’d do anything to take his pain away. So, I decided I would stop trying to get him to talk. Instead, I encouraged him.
“Okay, honey,” I agreed. “Make love to me.”
No sooner were the words out of my mouth when he lifted his body from mine, brought his hands to my hips, and slid my panties down my legs. With my form on display, he quickly removed his boxer briefs while never once allowing his eyes to leave my body.
And that was it.
I got to see all of Zev. He was utter perfection, just like I always believed he would be.
I only had a brief opportunity to take him in because the next thing I knew, Zev had dropped his head down toward my hip. He kissed me there as his hand traveled up my thigh. I brought a hand to the top of his head as his fingers gently touched my vagina.
The only thought running through my mind was my complete and total disbelief that this was actually happening. As Zev’s mouth moved up my body toward my chest, his fingers played between my legs.
I couldn’t stop the moan from escaping past my lips when he pushed a finger inside me.
Oh. My.
He held his finger there for just a moment until he lifted his head from my body and looked me in the eyes. Then, he began to finger me. That one finger was delivering so much pleasure, I didn’t know what to do with myself.
Within a matter of minutes, I felt something happening in my body. I’d touched myself before, but it never felt like this.
My breathing grew shallow and the rapid tightening in my belly told me that I was on the verge of something huge.
Zev’s eyes remained on mine, and I found myself unable to control the sounds coming from me. I moaned. I panted. I whispered. I begged.
And eventually, I cried out, “Oh, Zev.”
My lower back arched off the bed as my shoulders pressed into it only briefly before my hands flew to his shoulders and I curled my body up toward his.
The hand that wasn’t between my legs came around to the middle of my back. Zev held me up as my orgasm tore through my body. When it left me, I lifted my forehead from his shoulder and looked at him.
“You’re so beautiful, Tillie,” he said, his voice gentle.
For the first time in days, I felt something other than pain and sorrow. So, I smiled at him. Then, I looked down at his lap and saw he was still hard.
“Do you still want this?” I asked when I turned my attention to his face again.
“I don’t want to feel the way I have for the last three days anymore,” he answered.
My mind was made up. I was going to give this to Zev. After dipping my chin once, I
leaned forward and initiated a kiss with him. Seconds later, I was on my back again and Zev’s hips were positioned between my thighs.
He kissed me all over, moving from my mouth to my neck then down to my breasts, abdomen, and hips before coming back up again. And when he came back up, he positioned himself and pushed inside.
I let out a small cry as a sharp pain speared through me. Zev’s body went rigid, and he stopped moving to look down at me.
I didn’t say anything. I was too embarrassed.
On the bright side, the sudden pause in his movements gave me the time I needed to adjust to his size and the intrusion. When it no longer hurt, I took a guess as to what I should do next. I wrapped my legs around his back and tilted my hips.
I could only assume Zev took that as his cue to proceed because that’s precisely what he did. And it was beautiful. I quickly grew fond of his movements and enjoyed the feeling of him inside me. It wasn’t rushed or harsh. It didn’t feel like it was just sex. This was love. This had to be love. There was so much care and passion and tenderness in every thrust. In every touch. In every kiss.
Even though I’d spent the last three days crying, at that moment, I wanted to cry again. But it was for a completely different reason. Because what Zev gave me was beyond anything I’d ever experienced. It was magical.
For as long as he continued to move inside me, I let myself go completely. I didn’t think about anything. All I did was give myself entirely to Zev. I allowed myself to let go of the hurt and pain of everything we’d just been through and simply enjoyed having this with him.
“Tillie,” Zev rasped.
Hearing him call my name like that nearly undid me. And considering I was on the verge of another orgasm, I was surprised it hadn’t.
“Zev,” I returned. “I think I’m going to—”
“Come with me,” Zev pleaded, cutting me off.
So I did.
And it was the best thing I’d ever experienced in my life.
Zev collapsed on top of me briefly after his orgasm. But he quickly shifted his weight off my body. I stayed there for a bit, but eventually moved to get up. Zev reached out to me and begged, “Don’t leave me, Tillie.”
His voice. I couldn’t.
Hearing that, I laid back down beside him. Zev slipped his arm around my waist and pulled me close to him.
Feeling sated, it didn’t take long for me to drift. But when I did, I did it thinking that I’d made the best decision of my life by never giving myself to anyone else before him all these years.
Tillie
My eyes fluttered open.
Within seconds, it all came rushing back to me.
Liam’s funeral, the gathering at the Petersen residence, and coming back to Zev’s house where he made love to me.
I was on my side in Zev’s bed, and I took a moment to recall what happened between us last night. My heart hurt thinking that it took something so horrible happening for Zev and me to come together the way we had last night. But now that we’d been intimate with one another, I knew we were meant to be together.
There was a lingering ache between my legs, soreness from my first time having sex. Leading up to last night, I often found myself feeling frustrated that I hadn’t yet experienced it. I was twenty-eight years old and wanted to have that experience. It wasn’t that I had planned to save myself for Zev; I had simply just been picky. For whatever reason, I never felt any desire to go that far with any man before him. Not even when I’d had boyfriends.
So, now that I’d given Zev my virginity, I no longer felt frustrated by the fact that I’d waited all these years. Because it had been the most special night of my life.
Excited to see the man who meant so much to me, I dropped my shoulder back behind me and flipped my body to the other side. I was surprised to see the bed was empty.
Initially, I had assumed he was in the bathroom, but movement out of the corner of my eye caused me to turn my head toward the chair sitting in the front corner of the room. What I saw absolutely broke my heart.
Zev was sitting there, his elbows on his knees and his face in his hands. The bases of his palms were pressing hard into his eyes as the tips of his fingers were hidden beneath his hair. Perhaps what happened between us last night was enough to take away his pain for a little while, but it was clear that pain was back.
My heart ached for him. And even though I didn’t believe I’d allowed myself the time to properly grieve the loss of Liam just yet, I was going to beat that back for just a little while longer. Zev clearly needed me to help him through this. I had every intention of helping him do that.
Sitting up in the bed, I held the blanket to my chest to cover my naked body.
“Zev?” I called softly.
With the exception of his head, which he lifted in my direction, the rest of his body froze. When his eyes were on mine, I asked, “Are you okay?”
What I saw in his eyes at my question was not pain. There was still some lingering there, but there was something much bigger at the forefront. I just didn’t quite know what it was.
“Tillie, what happened here last night?” he asked.
Oh God.
Oh no.
His voice was strangled and filled with despair. Maybe regret. No, definitely regret. But most of all, guilt.
What had been the best night of my life turned out to be something Zev didn’t remember. He wasn’t a fool, so the fact that I was naked in his bed was probably indication enough to him that we’d slept together.
He didn’t remember me.
He didn’t remember all that we shared last night.
I knew he had had a few drinks last night at his parents’ place, but I didn’t think he was that far gone.
How could we have had all that we did last night and Zev not even remember it? Every single thing about it is burned in my brain in a way I know it’ll be there for the rest of my life.
I needed to get out of here so I could go home and freak out by myself. But there was no way I could get up out of his bed and parade around his room naked when he looked the way he did about what he assumed happened between us.
I had to pretend.
“You don’t remember?” I asked.
His head gave me the slightest twitch. But his eyes were haunted.
On one hand, I hated that he didn’t remember because it made me wonder how awful it must have been for him. On the other, I felt bad for him. He looked like he hated himself. I didn’t want him beating himself up about something he couldn’t even remember doing, even if it meant that what we had wasn’t as special for him as it had been for me. Zev already had enough on his mind surrounding Liam’s death. I did not need to add to his emotional turmoil.
Time to suck it up, Tillie.
Taking a deep swallow, I claimed, “We were comforting each other last night, Zev.”
“Fuck,” he hissed. “Tillie, I’m so sorry. So, so sorry.”
He couldn’t apologize. That would break me faster than this already was. I didn’t want him to be sorry. I wanted him to be happy. I wanted him to remember.
“No harm done,” I insisted, even though my heart was breaking with each word that passed my lips.
I did my best to try to appear unaffected by the whole exchange and went about pulling the sheet up around my body. When I freed it from the confines of the mattress, I wrapped it around me and got out of the bed, careful not to expose myself.
I brought my attention to Zev and explained, “I’m going to just run into the bathroom and get my clothes on.”
He didn’t respond. He just held my gaze.
Unable to stand the intensity in his stare, I looked away and gathered my dress, my bra, and my panties off the floor before shuffling off to the bathroom. I cleaned myself up, put on my bra, and pulled my dress up my legs. I wanted nothing to do with my panties, so I tossed them in the trash.
Moving to the mirror, I took in my appearance. I looked awful. I’m not sure what I expected, but i
t certainly wasn’t that I’d wake up the morning after I’d made love for the first time to a man I had been in love with nearly my whole life and feel the way I did.
I turned on the faucet, splashed some water on my face, brushed my teeth using my finger, and ran a brush through my hair. It was clear Zev and I weren’t going to have the relationship I woke up thinking we would, but I wasn’t going to go back out there without at least making myself look like I was put together. If that meant I had to use his hairbrush, so be it.
After taking in a deep clearing breath to get my mind right, I turned and walked out.
When I stepped into Zev’s bedroom again, I found that it was empty. He’d clearly run away from the whole situation.
That’s okay.
I just needed to stay focused on my mission to get out.
Looking around the room, I confirmed I didn’t have anything else there before walking out and leaving my heart behind with him.
Locating my shoes was next on my list. I found them on the floor somewhere between Zev’s bedroom and the living room where he first kissed me. I closed my eyes and sighed remembering how it felt the first time his lips touched mine.
It was heaven.
Now, I was convinced I was living in hell.
I bent down, grabbed my shoes, and slipped them on my feet.
Keys, purse, front door.
On my way back to the living room, I had to walk by the kitchen. When I approached the kitchen, I slowed my steps until I was stopped.
Zev was there leaning his body—the one I was now intimately acquainted with—over the island. He was resting his weight on his forearms and his head was down. Until, of course, he realized that I was there.
In an instant, he stood up and looked unsure of himself.
Neither of us said anything. We just let the awkward silence take over.
When I could no longer stand it, I lifted my hand and pointed to the side as I rasped, “I’m just going to get my keys and my purse.”
The sound of my own voice was like a foreign language. Nothing about it was familiar. It sounded like that of a girl who had lost everything that mattered to her.