by A. K. Evans
“Where are you going?” she asked.
“I’m not sure yet,” I admitted. “I just know that I need a day outside.”
“Good. I think that’s a great idea,” she remarked. “And you know that if you ever need to get away for a while, we are always here for you. We’d love a visit from you.”
“I know. I appreciate that, Mom,” I told her.
The two of us stayed on the phone for a little while longer talking about inconsequential things. I think my mom knew I needed something other than the heartbreaking reality I was currently dealing with to fill my head. So, she offered that in the form of an extended conversation about nothing in particular. I was grateful for her perception of my state of mind and thankful that she was willing to do what I needed in that moment to feel better.
Twenty minutes after I’d made the call, my mom and I disconnected. Then, I made my way to my bedroom to get myself ready. I still didn’t have a plan or destination. I figured once I got in the car, I’d drive around until I ended up somewhere I wanted to be.
When I woke up earlier this morning, I thought I was going to be taking the next step in trying to heal myself by simply getting out of the house I hadn’t left in days.
While I succeeded in the first part of my plan by not just going back to my pottery wheel and by actually going outside, I wasn’t convinced this was going to be as therapeutic for me as I had originally hoped.
In fact, I was starting to think that it was counterproductive because right now I was feeling more heartache than when I was home.
After stopping to grab a coffee at my favorite café, which was another attempt to brighten my mood, I found myself driving to one of the parks I’d gone to many times over the years with Zev and Liam. It was the one with the lake that we’d come to swim in often. The same lake we all made declarations about what we were going to be when we grew up.
The same place we made promises to each other to always be there for one another for the rest of our lives.
Liam held true to that promise, though I never thought his life would have ended so soon.
Zev did not.
Or, at least, he wasn’t currently.
And as I sat there in the blazing heat of the Arizona desert sun feeling nothing but a cold emptiness settle inside me, I could only hope that my mom was right.
That Zev wouldn’t cut me out completely.
That he just needed time to grieve and heal.
That if I truly thought we were going to end up there and I pushed to fight for the both of us, he’d never allow me to walk away.
In any other situation, I would have had more faith in my mother’s words. In this situation, I had to be realistic.
Mama Fisher didn’t know the full truth about what happened between Zev and me. She didn’t know how far that kiss went.
What scared me the most was the thought that if she did, she might have had different advice for me.
So, as I sat there reminiscing on better times in my life with the two men I held so near and dear to my heart, I grieved a little more, and I finally accepted the fact that I probably always would.
By the same token, I realized that well over twenty years of memories with Zev and Liam were in this town. No matter where I go, I have no doubt I’ll end up thinking of them. And if Zev wasn’t in my life when that happened, I wasn’t sure I’d survive it.
Zev
I’d lived a whole week of my life without my brother.
The concept still felt so foreign to me.
When we were kids, we spent every single day together. Obviously, the older we got, things changed. We both focused on our careers, which sometimes took us away from home for brief stretches of time.
So, I’d gone without seeing my brother for more than a week before. But I never had to do that knowing I’d never see him again.
The reality of that was now more than I could handle.
For days now, I’d been going to the cemetery and sitting with him. That was it. I just sat. I didn’t even talk to him.
The guilt I felt over what I’d done to betray my brother consumed me. Every day I’d wake up, after barely sleeping at all anyway, and battle with what happened between Tillie and me.
As much guilt as I feel over betraying my brother, I feel just as much about the fact that I’ve purposely avoided reaching out to Tillie.
Not a day has passed since she left my house the morning after the funeral when I haven’t thought about her. But I knew I couldn’t see her. I didn’t think I’d be able to look her in the eye without feeling a mix of emotions I couldn’t even begin to process.
It was now late morning and I was sitting in the same spot I’d been sitting in every morning since we buried Liam.
I needed something to change.
So, today, I was going to tell him the truth in hopes of finding some clarity.
Or, I hoped I could find the courage to admit the truth. I’d been sitting here for over an hour now and had yet to say a word.
Knowing how stuck I felt for the last several days, I had no choice but to stay here until I got it out.
After another ten minutes of deliberating on how to tell him what I’d done, I finally blurted, “I slept with Tillie.”
Minutes of silence passed. I didn’t know if I was too ashamed to continue, or if I was hoping he’d reply.
Eventually, I continued, “I’m sorry, Liam. I’m so sorry for the way I betrayed you. And I feel so guilty for even coming here, looking for some kind of guidance.”
I took in a deep breath, fighting to keep my emotions in check. Unsuccessful in that endeavor, I explained, “But I don’t know what to do now. Because I love Tillie. How fucked up is that? I love the woman my brother told me he was going to marry. I’ve been in love with her since we were kids.”
I brought my hands up to my face, pushed my sunglasses out of the way, and wiped my eyes.
God, Tillie.
I missed her so much.
I missed my brother, but I had no choice in whether or not I could see him and talk to him. I had a choice with Tillie. I was throwing our friendship out like it was trash. And the worst part about all of that was that I knew if I hadn’t pushed her away and just went on like nothing happened between us, Tillie would have accepted that.
She would have accepted that even if it cost her everything. That was just the kind of woman she was.
“I miss her, Liam,” I started. “You know, better than anyone that a life without her in it isn’t worth a damn. Not when there’s a choice to be able to have her there. I just don’t think I can be around her again knowing I made love to her only days after you died.”
After another pause, I ended, “I don’t know how to do this. How do I go through the rest of my life without the two people who are the most important to me by my side?”
I waited there for a long time without saying another word. Sadly, I didn’t get answers to any of my questions. And by the time I finally got up and left, I still wasn’t sure if admitting the truth to Liam was the right thing to do.
Tillie
It was time to make a change.
Three weeks had passed since I walked out of Zev’s house. And for three weeks, I’d been living in agony because I didn’t know how to cope.
One of my best friends had died. That alone was enough to rock my world. But when I lost my other best friend only days later, it had become too much for me to handle all at once.
Losing Liam was tough. Without a doubt, it was one of the worst losses I’d ever faced in my life. He was young. Despite what he did for a living, it was still unexpected. If that had been all that happened, I am convinced I would have been okay. Not immediately, of course. And certainly, not completely. I’d always feel like a piece of my heart was missing. Eventually, though, I would have come to terms with his death and accepted it. That would have been because I’d keep pushing forward still grateful that I had my other best friend, Zev.
Sadly, I no longer had h
im either. And over the last three weeks, I’d tried. I did everything I could to get things back to normal between us. Things that included giving him time on his own to cope and process and heal as well as reaching out to let him know I was there if he needed me.
But Zev wasn’t receptive.
And as the days went by without any communication from him, I started going from upset and concerned to hurt and angry.
If this was about him needing time to process everything, why wouldn’t he have at least reached out to me? How hard would it have been to pick up the phone and say, “I know we need to talk about what happened, but I just need some time to sort through it all on my own for a bit.”?
Was that asking too much?
I honestly didn’t know.
After a week and a half of no attempt on his part to reach out to me, not even when I’d contacted him first, I decided it was time to go to him. I drove to his place and pounded on the door.
When he opened it, he seemed genuinely surprised to see me. I noted just how exhausted he looked. Zev still had this awful look in his eyes.
The one that was regret mixed with just a touch of guilt.
It hurt to know that even though he didn’t remember what we had with one another the night of Liam’s funeral, he was so disgusted by the idea that it had happened at all. Was I really that awful?
“So, you’re just ignoring me then,” I stated.
“What?”
“Well, I mean, I’ve reached out to you repeatedly, Zev, but you haven’t responded. That’s not like you. That’s not the Zev I know. So, I started to worry that maybe something was wrong. But it’s obvious now that that’s not the case at all. You just don’t want to talk to me,” I explained.
“Tillie, I’m sorry, but I don’t have time now to talk about this,” he lamented.
I blinked my eyes in surprise. “You don’t? And at no point in the last ten days have you had even five minutes to call me and let me know that everything is alright? Not even a call to see how I’m doing? God, Zev… I know he was your brother, but I lost Liam, too.”
With that, I turned on my heel and walked away. I never went inside, and I never looked back.
It was done.
My friendship with Zev was as good as done.
All because I loved him so much that I was willing to do anything to take away his pain.
So, I deliberated for the next few days about what to do.
And after a lot of deliberation, I decided I needed to move. There was nothing left for me in Saguaro, Arizona. My parents sold the house I grew up in a few years ago. Once they knew I was doing well on my own with my ceramics business, they packed up and moved to Lake Havasu City. It was a place we’d visited a few times when I was younger, and they’d always wanted to go back.
So, without my parents here, I legitimately had nothing. Sure, I had acquaintances or people I’d met through the work I did, but nothing that was tying me to Saguaro.
I’d come to the realization that I couldn’t stay in a place that held years of beautiful memories with two of the most important people in my life with nothing to hold on to but the pain of their loss. No matter where I went in this town, I’d see my best friends. And every single day would hurt more than the one before.
I no longer had Liam. Deep down, as hard as I knew it would have been, I believed I would have eventually come to accept what happened.
But not having Zev was something I could not accept. Because he didn’t die. He was alive and breathing, and he cut me out.
Like I was nothing to him.
Like all the years we had of making memories meant nothing to him.
That reality was too much to bear.
Which is why I was now standing in my home surrounded by boxes. I had packed up everything I owned. With the exception of some of my larger furniture, nearly everything was going with me.
As confident as I was in my choice to leave, I was not yet planning to list my home for sale. I was going to rent for the next six months in my new location and see how things went. If it all worked out, then I’d reevaluate what to do with my home in Saguaro.
For now, though, I was moving to Sedona.
It was a place I’d visited more than once in all my years living in Arizona. It was about two hours away from Saguaro, and I believed it was going to be a huge boost for my business. I’d done some research over the last few days and found not only a house for rent, but also a storefront. That storefront was along a strip in one of Sedona’s large shopping villages. How I got so lucky, I’ll never know. But I wasn’t going to complain.
To top it off, Sedona was a town that saw a lot of tourism. For that reason, I was pretty sure I’d be able to do really well.
That’s not true. I was certain I’d do really well because I already had some working agreements with several retailers in Sedona that sold my work in their souvenir shops. It had always done well, but having my own storefront in a place like that would be huge for me.
Considering I needed a distraction, I was prepared for the increase in my workload.
With near-perfect timing, the moving truck pulled up in front of my house. I took in a deep breath and took one last look around.
This was it.
This was going to be the last time, for at least the next six months, that I was going to stand in this house.
I was excited about what beauty awaited me in Sedona, but I would have been lying if I didn’t admit that I was sad about leaving Saguaro.
It had been home to me for twenty-eight years.
And it was good while it lasted.
But sometimes, it’s just not meant to be forever.
Five weeks later
When making such a huge change in your life, it can be difficult to know if you’re making the right decision. If those changes are made when you’re emotionally wrecked, it can cause even more stress and anxiety.
I’d been living in Sedona for five weeks now, and it was safe to say that I was no longer feeling worried that I might have made a bad decision. In fact, from the moment I arrived more than a month ago, I hadn’t really regretted my choice at all. I hadn’t so much as second-guessed it.
Sure, living in a new location came with its own set of challenges, but there wasn’t really anything that was emotionally taxing. That was my biggest concern.
Physically, I’d been put to the test, though.
Luckily, the movers had transported all of my things from Saguaro to Sedona safely. Since I’d already made arrangements prior to moving and signed the lease for not only my home but also for the storefront, I was able to have the movers take my personal items to the house and the ceramics and other business-related items to the store.
For the first few days, I spent my time focused primarily on the store. I knew I could work on the home once I had things squared away in my professional life.
Thankfully, I had managed to have almost instant success from the day I opened my doors to the public. And because I’d been so busy, I was grateful that a woman walked in one day asking if I was looking to hire someone. She’d seen my work before, had a few pieces she’d purchased from other retailers, and was ecstatic when she heard I had opened my own store here.
Her face was one of many that had walked through my doors that day. And because I hadn’t gotten everything completely sorted by the time I opened, I decided that it wouldn’t be a bad idea to have some part-time help.
So, I hired Meli.
She was a young woman in her late thirties who was married with two children. While she worked mostly on the weekends and only occasionally during the week, Meli was undoubtedly one of the hardest-working women I’d ever met. She never came into the store hoping to stand around and chat with a customer just to get paid.
Nope.
She kept herself busy doing something every minute she was there. Sometimes, she’d even shoo me away from the sales floor while she covered it just so I could get some work done on the actual ceramics.
While I’d made a lot of pieces in those few days following Liam’s funeral, I hadn’t added any colors or artwork to them. So, when I had downtime at the store, I’d work on that.
Overall, there’d been an improvement in my life that was a direct result of my decision to move. Given my emotional state prior to leaving Saguaro, anything that affected me in a positive way was a good thing.
Unfortunately, had it not been for Meli and the droves of people that frequented my shop on a daily basis, I wasn’t sure where I’d be right now.
Because while my mind stayed occupied throughout my days, the nights were bad. I’d go home to an empty house where I still had so much of my stuff in boxes. Most nights, I’d make myself a quick dinner, shower, and occasionally watch some television.
That was it.
Then, I’d climb into bed and hope for a few hours of sleep before I woke up and did it all over again.
But it was in those moments when I first put my head down on the pillow that were the hardest. I’d want to be happy for the success I was seeing in my business. Unfortunately, I felt nothing but sadness. No longer having Zev or Liam in my life, when I’d been accustomed to speaking to both of them several times a week, had really taken its toll on my mental state.
I knew I had to try and move forward. It was hard, though. How do you just forget about your best friends?
And no matter how badly I’d been hurt by Zev’s dismissal of me, I still loved him. I would always love him.
I just didn’t understand how he didn’t feel any of the same things that I did. I wasn’t expecting him to fall in love and sweep me off my feet. I’d accepted that would never happen.
But our friendship?
How did he just write it off like it meant nothing?
As close as we were, I didn’t even understand how he was able to make it through this many weeks without feeling the slightest urge to call me or reach out to me.
I spent many sleepless nights after moving to Sedona rehashing every part of our friendship. I was trying to figure out if I’d been missing something all these years. But there was nothing. Nothing that indicated I’d assumed something about our friendship that wasn’t true.