by A. K. Evans
And while I knew, or hoped, the awkward tension between us wouldn’t last, I was devastated that it felt like this at all.
I walked away from the mouth of the kitchen toward the living room. Once I’d picked up my purse, I dug through it for my keys. With them firmly in my grasp, I repeated the words in my head: front door.
Only, with my head down, I hadn’t noticed that Zev walked into the room. So, I was thrown a bit when I heard, “Tillie.”
“Yeah?” I asked, giving him my attention.
“Do you… can I make you a cup of coffee before you leave?” he stammered.
Coffee? Did I want coffee?!
How he could think that coffee was what I wanted at a moment like this was beyond me. For days, Zev had been so consumed with grief that he hadn’t been able to make himself a bite of food to eat or anything to drink. Yet, he was now asking if he could make me coffee.
This was awful. This was, by far, the worst possible thing that could have happened between us. What I thought was going to be the beginning of something beautiful was anything but.
Once again, I found myself needing to get out of there.
Somehow, I mustered up enough strength and courage to do what I did next. I walked to Zev and put my hand to his chest. He looked down at my hand with such disgust; it was like I was burning him right through the fabric of his shirt.
Seeing that, I winced and pulled my hand away. Then, I powered through what I was feeling and answered, “No, Zev. I don’t need coffee. Stop feeling guilty for doing something you don’t even remember.”
“Tillie, I’m sorry—” he started, but I cut him off by holding my hand up between us.
“Don’t, Zev. Don’t make this worse than it already is by apologizing for it,” I beseeched. “If you are feeling better now than you did yesterday and last night, I think I’d like to go home.”
Regret filled his face. Even still, he replied, “Okay.”
And that was like taking the final bullet.
There wasn’t any attempt on his part to get me to stay. I wasn’t sure that I could, but it would have been nice to know that my feelings on all of this mattered to him. I highly doubted that Zev, my best friend since we were little kids, didn’t know how bad I was struggling with what happened this morning. That’s what hurt the most. Zev knew I was in pain, and he wasn’t doing anything to try to lessen it.
Maybe I’d been wrong.
With that cold reality settling in my stomach, I dipped my chin and said, “I’ll see you later.”
Then, without waiting for a response, I walked around him and left.
After driving faster than I should have, I made it home. I immediately went to my bathroom and turned the shower on. When the water temperature was just shy of scalding, I got in and collapsed to the floor.
And right there, in my shower after having the best night of my life, I poured my heart out and let my sobs consume me.
Zev
I slept with Tillie.
I slept with my best friend.
I slept with the woman my brother told me years ago he was going to marry. And the worst part of all of it was that I’d done it three days after he died, the day we laid him to rest.
What was wrong with me?
What kind of man was I to betray my brother in such a way?
I was currently living a nightmare. For days, I’d felt like I’d just been going through the motions. Liam died. And with him, part of me died, too.
I didn’t think I’d ever forgive myself for what I’d done.
Days ago, I was sitting there across from Tillie at a restaurant. We were laughing and having a good time. The next thing I knew, my entire world changed. I couldn’t even remember the name of the person who had been working on set with Liam and called to tell me that he’d been very seriously injured and was being transported to the hospital. All I could remember were the words that the doctor said.
We did absolutely everything we could, but we couldn’t revive your brother.
Despair didn’t even come close to describing how I felt in that moment.
Hollow was more like it.
My brother was gone.
And the only thing that got me through the pain and horror of the last several days was Tillie’s presence.
Tillie Fisher.
So strong.
So fucking strong, I couldn’t begin to understand it.
Her concern and love for not only me, but Liam as well, was unyielding. I knew she was hurting over the loss of him just as much as I was. Even still, she never let on. Sure, she cried. We all did. But she pushed herself to stay strong when she knew I wasn’t. That’s what was so fucking special about her. No matter what pain the days brought for her, she was there for me.
Always there.
I was never alone over those three days.
And I took advantage of Tillie’s kindness and friendship in the worst way possible.
The look on her face this morning, even as she sat across from me knowing I was struggling with something, was soft and sweet. I had no doubt that she was prepared to fight any demons I was still struggling with. Only, I don’t think she had been prepared to hear that the thing that had troubled me the most was waking up and seeing that she was lying naked next to me in bed.
The way she shut down is something I’d never forget. Disappointment, sadness, and soul-crushing hurt were plain as day despite her feeble attempt to remained unaffected.
Tillie was my best friend.
I knew what she was feeling better than she did sometimes.
Her words might have indicated that she wasn’t bothered by my reaction, but her actions proved otherwise. I saw her clutch the sheet to her chest a little tighter. I watched as she searched the room, trying to come up with a plan to escape. My eyes captured the hurt that flashed in hers when I asked her if I could make her coffee.
Even though I knew I was the only one who could take away all of the hurt she felt all morning, hurt inflicted by me, I didn’t.
I was too consumed with guilt.
Guilt and regret.
And probably a little bit of fear.
No, that wasn’t true.
I was consumed with a lot of fear.
Because I was certain that my selfish actions were going to take my best friend away from me. There was no way Tillie and I would ever go back to the way we were.
After the way she left my house this morning, I was more convinced of it than I had been when she was still asleep in my bed.
Things would never be the same between us again.
Tillie
They say grief is the price we pay for love.
I wholeheartedly believe that sentiment.
It had been nearly a week since Liam’s funeral, and other than the morning I left Zev’s house when I cried in the shower, I didn’t believe I’d properly grieved for the man I’d lost.
No matter how many tears I would shed over the coming days, weeks, months, or even years, I didn’t think I’d ever stop grieving for him. So much of the joy I’d experienced in my life had either Zev or Liam at the center of it.
Now I had neither of them.
And it was becoming increasingly difficult to cope with the loss of them. Memories I held close to my heart were the only thing keeping me from completely giving up. I was holding out hope that Zev would come around eventually.
I didn’t contact him the day I left his house. I gave myself the time I needed to decompress and feel everything I had going through my mind. Since I hadn’t really had an opportunity to grieve or allow myself to feel the loss of Liam, I took some time to do that. I cried about a thousand tears just for him.
When I thought I had myself all cried out, my focus shifted to Zev. That’s when the tears started all over again. I continued to rehash what happened that morning in my head.
Tillie, what happened here last night?
I couldn’t seem to get over that. That night meant everything to me. And for Zev, that day was now going to
be considered the worst of his life. Because not only did he have to say goodbye to his brother forever, but he also slept with a woman whom he’d never intended to. All I could do was wonder how something I held so close and precious to my heart was nothing but despair and pain for Zev.
The day after I left Zev’s following the funeral, it was back to business for me. I took some time to lick my wounds, but I had a friendship I needed to salvage and repair. By any means necessary.
So, I started off with a phone call.
It wasn’t often that Zev missed one of my calls; however, this time happened to be one of them. When the voicemail beeped indicating I could leave a message, I did.
“Hi, Zev. It’s me. I’m just calling to check-in and see how you’re doing. Give me a call when you have a chance. I’ll talk to you then.”
I disconnected and tried not to think the worst. I came up with a million excuses as to why he didn’t answer. He could have been in the shower. Maybe he was still sleeping. Perhaps he left his phone in one room and walked to another. No matter the number of excuses I came up with, I still had that fear lingering in the back of my mind.
Zev didn’t completely ignore me, but he also wasn’t quick to respond either. And when he did, he simply sent me a text late that night.
Hi, Tillie. Sorry I missed your call. I’m doing okay. Thanks for checking in.
That message left me feeling less than stellar. Not only was it not a typical response from Zev, but it also showed that he didn’t seem to have one ounce of concern for me. He didn’t ask how I was doing.
I tried not to let it get me down. It wasn’t lost on me that Liam had just died. There was no doubt that Zev was still trying to cope with the loss of his brother. What I couldn’t understand is why, especially when he knew how much Liam meant to me, he wouldn’t even ask how I was managing.
It was like it didn’t matter that I was struggling to accept what had happened to Liam, too. As my best friend, I thought Zev would have realized that and the fact that he’d taken himself away from me, too.
Unfortunately, he didn’t.
So, now I was waiting. I was going to try my best to be understanding and give Zev more time. As his best friend, it was really hard because I wanted nothing more than to be there for him. I wanted to make sure he knew that I would be there to listen to him if he needed to vent or a shoulder to cry on.
After a couple days of not even wanting to get out of bed, I knew I needed to do something to snap myself out of it. To keep myself distracted, I called upon routine. I didn’t know if it was going to work, but I was hoping that the best way to start feeling normal again would be to get myself back to doing normal things. Things that would, hopefully, keep my mind focused on something other than the ache in my heart.
For the last four days, I’d been doing just that. Only, my routine stopped at the first task.
Unable to sleep well, I had woken up before the sun rose nearly every day since I last saw Zev. Instead of trying to get myself back to sleep, I got out of bed and sat down at my pottery wheel. Once I was there, I got lost.
For hours.
On occasion, that happened to me. I’d get started on a project that I was particularly excited about and not come up for air until I’d replicated it to sell in volume.
But that wasn’t what was happening now.
I spent four days at that wheel with no plan. No project list. Nothing.
Just my bleeding heart.
I only stopped to use the bathroom, take a shower, and go to sleep. Food wasn’t high on my priority list, but I’d force myself to eat at least two decent meals a day. Other than that, it was me and my art.
Before I walked away from my wheel last night, I looked around the room. I’d made more pieces in four days than I typically did in two or three weeks. That was my cue to stop and make a change.
So, I woke up this morning and had two goals in mind. First, I was going to call my mom. Then, I was going to get myself out of the house. I didn’t have a plan yet on where I’d go, but I knew I couldn’t keep myself locked inside at that wheel forever.
I waited until it was eight o’clock before I called my mom. She answered after just one ring.
“Tillie, baby, how are you doing?” she greeted me.
I’d reached out to her the day we got the news in the hospital to tell her about Liam. She and my father had made the trip from where they now lived in Lake Havasu City to our hometown of Saguaro for the funeral. Unfortunately, they were unable to stay and had to leave right after the burial.
“Hey, Mom,” I replied.
“I can tell by the sound of your voice that you’re still having a hard time,” she immediately noted.
I wasn’t surprised. My mom and I were close. She knew me well. She also knew how close I was to Zev and Liam.
“Hard isn’t even the word,” I started. “I feel like I’m falling apart here, and I don’t know what to do.”
“I feel awful. I’m sorry we couldn’t stay longer,” she lamented.
“It’s okay,” I assured her. “I’m just really having a difficult time learning how to cope.”
I heard my mom take in a deep breath. When she let it go, she said, “It’s going to take time. Luckily, there are no rules you have to follow for this. Liam was one of your best friends, Tillie. You’re not going to get over losing him in a matter of a week. Don’t push yourself.”
I let out a sound that sounded more like a grunt. “I’ve spent four days on my wheel,” I shared. “I haven’t wanted to think about it all because it’s just too painful.”
After a moment of hesitation, my mom insisted, “There’s nothing wrong with that. You need to do whatever is necessary to get yourself through it. How’s Zev holding up?”
My relationship with Zev and Liam was no secret, so it shouldn’t have come as a surprise to hear her ask about Zev’s well-being. I wasn’t exactly surprised at her question so much as I wasn’t prepared for it.
“I don’t know,” I admitted.
“You don’t know? What does that mean?” she asked.
“This is the reason I think I’ve been struggling so hard over the last few days,” I started. “I haven’t seen Zev since the day after the funeral.”
“What?!”
Her shock was evident as she raised her voice.
I wasn’t about to tell my mother the full scope of what happened between us, but I wanted her sound advice.
“After the funeral, I took Zev to his parents’ place. They were having a gathering for the immediate family members. Zev had a few drinks, so I stuck around to make sure he got home safely. When I finally took him home that night… well, he ended up kissing me.”
Silence stretched between us.
“Was he drunk?” she finally asked.
“He’d had a few drinks, but he wasn’t drunk. Or, at least, I didn’t think he was,” I answered. “I don’t know. The next day, we talked about it. It’s clear he feels a lot of regret and guilt. Obviously, that’s the last thing I want for him considering everything he’s dealing with regarding Liam.”
“Well, have you tried talking to him about it?”
“I did, but it was awkward. I figured I’d give him a day or so to decompress. Unfortunately, when I called the next day to check in on him, he never answered my call. Then, when he finally did respond late that night, he sent me a simple text.”
“I’m sure he’s just trying to manage all of his feelings, Tillie,” she insisted. “You guys have been best friends for all these years. There’s no way either of you would ever just throw that out the window.”
I wanted nothing more than to believe what she was saying. There was a small part of me that wondered, though, if she would have felt different had she known the full truth about what happened between us.
My nerves got the best of me and I asked, “What if he can’t get past it?”
“He will,” she assured me. “But try to be patient with him. I know you’re hurting pro
bably just as much as he is. You have to keep in mind that everyone processes their grief differently. Where you might want the company and comfort of someone familiar at a time like this, Zev might need the silence and peace of solitude. Either way, you’re both dealing with something incredibly difficult.”
“I just get this awful feeling that he’s never going to talk to me again,” I began to fret.
“I doubt that will ever happen. But if you believe it’s heading in that direction, stop it. Don’t accept that. There are too many memories, too much good between you two, for you to let go of all of that. Don’t allow him to throw away your friendship. Be understanding of the pain he’s going through right now, but also be unyielding in your pursuit to hold onto your friendship.”
I took in my mother’s words and did my best to allow them to sink deep. I didn’t know if they’d fully penetrate, but I was hoping I’d be able to remember them if things got worse from here.
When I failed to respond, my mom went on and encouraged, “Give him time, but also give him reassurance. You never know what he’s thinking, especially if he’s not sharing. If I were you, I’d make sure my best friend knew that I was there for him no matter what. He’d know that the only thing that was important to me was his well-being at a time like this. I can’t imagine, Tillie, that if he knows you are relentlessly supportive of him that he’d ever just let you walk away.”
My insides trembled as I considered the possibility of her being wrong. If I couldn’t somehow figure out a way to fix this thing between Zev and me, I wasn’t convinced he’d make sure we got back to where we used to be. There was a time when I’d never doubt that, but now I wasn’t so sure.
“Tillie?” my mom called.
“Yeah?” I answered.
“No matter what happens, always take care of yourself,” she advised. “I’d like to think I’m right about Zev, but if I’m not, you need to take care of yourself. I know that’ll be hard because you’ve always had Zev and Liam there for you. But it’s important. You’ll spend a lot more than just a few days sitting at your wheel if you don’t make yourself a priority.”
“Well, then you’ll be happy to know that I’m going to be doing just that today when I get myself out of this house.”