by A. K. Evans
I’d created an entire line that focused on the cactus. Whether I painted a bunch of cacti on a piece or actually made a cactus itself as a decorative piece, there was something for everyone.
I also created pieces that were representative of my new home in Sedona. The red rock structures inspired me one day when I’d gone to the vortexes in search of some peace of mind. I couldn’t say that I found all the peace I was looking for, but I did find the inspiration. So, I considered it a win.
On a personal level, though, I was still struggling. To that end, I wasn’t exactly as down in the dumps as I had been feeling. The truth was, I missed Zev and Liam more than I ever thought possible. They’d been in my life for so long that suddenly not having either of them at all was a huge adjustment to make.
Even though I didn’t think I’d ever get over losing both of them, I believed I was at least starting to cope better. I no longer broke down into tears randomly throughout the day and managed to save that for the times I was curled up in my bed struggling to fall asleep. I found that crying myself to sleep worked best. Of course, I didn’t do that every night, but it happened a couple times a week.
Most of all, I had come to the conclusion that making the move to Sedona was the best thing for me. While I hadn’t worked out all the kinks with running my business here with a storefront, I knew I’d eventually get there.
Most of all, the workload kept me distracted from my personal frustrations. And for the last week or so, I was doing better. Emotionally speaking, I was nowhere near where I was before Liam died—I knew I never would be—but I was feeling the best I had in months. Maybe that wasn’t saying much, but I thought it said something.
So, though my progress was slow, it was at least happening. Unfortunately, it all went out the window last night.
Following an incredible day yesterday at my store, I went back to my house. Everything was business as usual for a Saturday. The store was busy, and that was exacerbated by the fact that Meli wasn’t able to come in and help yesterday. By the time I got home, I was already feeling pretty wiped out.
I took a shower, had a late dinner, and finally curled up on my couch with the next box in my stack I needed to unpack. That had been a slow process for me because it was easier to just tell myself I’d do it later. The problem is that later rolled around, and I’d find myself doing something else. So, I made it a rule that I wasn’t allowed to go to bed until I unpacked at least one box each night until they were all finished. I wasn’t planning to stay up late because Sunday would roll around soon enough, and I’d need to be back at work. So, I picked up one of the smaller, lighter boxes.
And that was my mistake because I opened a box I wasn’t prepared to handle at that point.
A box filled with years of photos and memories. Most of those photos containing either Liam and me or Zev and me. There were still hundreds with all three of us. And the reality of it all hit me hard.
Because I looked at my face in every one of those photos. I was happy. Beyond happy. No matter that I could see it with my own eyes now, happiness felt foreign to me these days.
It had been more than two months since I saw either one of them. Now, I had both of them right in front of me. Not in the way I would have liked, but still there all the same. What I would have given to have them both back.
Maybe I was living in the hot Arizona desert, but at that moment, a chill ran through my body at the sight of those pictures. In them, there was such warmth and love between all of us, and now, there was none. Zev’s cold-hearted treatment of me the morning after we were together and the one day I stopped in to try and fix things more than a week later had shattered all the memories I had of the good that used to be between us.
For hours, I tortured myself and scattered the photos out on my coffee table. I couldn’t do anything but look at them and cry.
Tillie, what happened here last night?
Just recalling hearing those words and the sound of his voice made me want to break down into tears. Zev’s words had pierced my heart in a way I wasn’t sure it would ever become whole again.
With hundreds of photos adorning the coffee table, I got up and went to my bedroom. That’s where I spent the remainder of my night lying awake in my bed thinking a million different thoughts.
What bothered me the most was that even after everything that happened between us after Liam’s funeral, I was still concerned about how Zev was doing. I wondered if he had managed to find some sliver of happiness after losing his brother. Even if he wasn’t worried about how I’d been managing these few months, I couldn’t just shut off my feelings for him.
He was my best friend.
He was the man I loved.
And there wasn’t anything I could do to get him back.
Now, it was early Sunday evening, and I’d just barely made it through the day.
“Are you okay?” Meli asked after our last customer paid for her purchase and left.
Nodding, I closed my eyes and took in a deep breath. “Yeah, it’s just that yesterday was very busy here, and then I didn’t get much sleep last night.”
After eyeing me curiously, she declared, “It’s more than just that.”
“What gives you that impression?” I asked, letting out a laugh.
“You mean aside from the fact that you’ve had long, busy days here before followed by long nights getting some pieces completed to be shipped out the next day?” she retorted.
Meli didn’t miss anything.
“Yeah, aside from that,” I replied.
Her face softened as she tilted her head to one side. “I can see it in your eyes,” she told me.
“Bags and dark circles, you mean?” I joked.
Meli shook her head. “Tillie, you’re beautiful. And you don’t have bags or dark circles. You’re in pain. I’ll admit you hide it well. I doubt there was a single customer who walked in here today and could see it. But I’ve known you for quite some time now. Plus, I’m a mom. We’re trained to see things like that.”
My shoulders slumped in defeat. She had clearly figured me out. “Yeah,” I agreed through a murmur.
“I won’t push you to talk about it, but I want you to know I’m here if you need somebody to talk to,” she offered. “I’m a great listener.”
“I appreciate that,” I said. “It’s been a rough couple of months for me. That feels like such a horrible thing to say considering all of the bounty I’ve had in the last few weeks here at the store and on my website. Am I being ungrateful because I’m sad this might be all that was meant to be for me?”
I could feel myself on the verge of tears. Meli saw it, moved toward me, and pulled me into a hug. Then, she assured me, “You’re not ungrateful for wanting it all… whatever that may be. We all want the best for ourselves and those we love.”
When she loosened her hold on me, Meli asked, “How can I help you?”
I thought about it for a moment before an idea suddenly came to me. “I know you were planning to come in tomorrow since you couldn’t be here yesterday,” I started. “Do you think you could handle the store alone tomorrow morning? I have somewhere I have to go, but I’ll get up early to do that. I should be back here before closing time.”
“Of course. Do whatever you need to do. The store will be fine,” she insisted.
“Thanks, Mel. I really appreciate it,” I replied.
“Don’t worry about it. Now, how about we get this place closed up so you can get home and get some sleep?” she suggested.
“That’s probably a good idea.”
At that, Meli and I worked quickly to close down the store for the night. By the time I got home, I had enough energy to take a shower, set my alarm, and climb into bed.
With a plan in mind and the exhaustion from the past couple of days taking over, I found it easy to close my eyes and drift off.
This was already harder than I thought it was going to be, and I hadn’t even gotten out of the car.
As I had pl
anned, I got up this morning and dashed around my house so that I’d be able to make it to my destination early. I didn’t want to leave Meli at the store alone all day, so even though I hadn’t fully recovered from my lack of sleep the night before when I’d unexpectedly opened the box of photos, I pushed through. On the bright side, I’d managed to get enough sleep to no longer feel like a zombie.
Now, I had arrived.
And this was proving to be quite the challenge already. I sat in my car, my hands gripping the steering wheel, taking slow deep breaths. I knew that once I did what I came here to do, I’d feel much better. But taking that first step was going to be the hardest part.
Because in all the time that had passed, I hadn’t properly grieved over the loss of Liam. I’d cried, yes. More often than not, though, I spent my time trying to distract myself from ever really coming to grips with what happened.
I think I was struggling because I knew my emotions were going to get the best of me. That, and the fact that I felt incredibly selfish right now. This was the first I’d come to Liam’s grave since the day of the funeral. If I hadn’t needed to talk to him so badly at this moment, even when I knew he wouldn’t be able to respond, there was no question I’d still be back in Sedona.
Did that make me an awful person?
Or did that just make him a genuine best friend?
Convincing myself it was the latter, I reached my hand out and opened the door. Placing one foot in front of the other, I made my way through the cemetery over to where he was.
“Hey, Liam,” I said the moment I stopped in front of his headstone and lowered myself to the ground. I expected I was going to be there a while.
I sat there in silence for a long time, unsure of what to say. When everything I was feeling finally bubbled to the surface, it all just spilled out.
“You know that saying that you never realize what you have until it’s too late?” I started. “Well, I know exactly what that means now. The only difference is that I think I knew what I had with you, which is why I’m here right now.”
I paused a moment, as tears welled in my eyes. Unable to get my emotions in check, I did my best to ignore them and went on, “Ever since you’ve been gone, my life is a mess. What’s really weird for me is that it hasn’t even been three months since you died, and I can just barely remember what it feels like to be happy. I’d give anything, Liam, anything at all to have you back. I’d give up my store and the newfound success I’ve been having. I’d even give up the best night of my life just to have things go back to the way they were. Because this hurts too much. And that night turned out to be the one thing that made Zev walk away from me.”
Futile attempts were made to swipe at the tears falling down my cheeks. They were coming so fast, I couldn’t keep up.
“I lost you, and I lost him,” I sobbed. “I don’t know how I’m supposed to deal with all the hurt I feel when the two people who were always there to help me through my pain are gone. I made a new friend in Sedona, but she’s not you. She’s not Zev. I need your help, Liam. Tell me how I’m supposed to get through this.”
Liam didn’t respond.
I lowered my body to the ground and cried for a long time by my friend’s headstone. More than an hour had passed before I’d gotten out all my tears. That’s when I sat up, smiled at his name, and promised, “I’ll be back to visit you soon, Liam. Thank you for listening to me.”
With that, I stood and walked back to my car.
I ran into a bit of Monday traffic on the way back to Sedona, so it took me close to three and a half hours to get to the store. I walked in when there was just an hour and a half left before closing.
When I stepped inside, I immediately felt bad because the store was packed, which was unusual for a Monday. I gave Meli a look of apology and got to work helping customers. Time flew by, and before I knew it, the last customer had walked out the door five minutes after closing time.
Before she could even say anything to me, I apologized, “I’m so sorry, Meli. It took me longer than I thought it would today. To top it off, I got stuck in traffic. I’ll understand if, after the day you had today, you’ve decided you want to quit.”
“Are you kidding me?” she practically shrieked. “It was so much fun today. I like when it’s busy here. And I’m used to a little chaos.”
I laughed and asked, “Are you sure?”
“Absolutely. Besides, I don’t know what you did today, but I can tell you’re doing a little better.”
Nodding, I confirmed, “I am. I can’t promise I won’t have more days like I did yesterday, but today was… therapeutic for me.”
Meli smiled at me. “I’m happy to hear that.”
“Alright. Get your butt out of here and go home to your family. I’ll take care of getting everything shut down for the night here,” I ordered.
“I can stay,” she assured me. “It’s really no problem.”
I gave her a warning look and said, “Thank you for stepping up for me today, but I insist you go home now.”
She rolled her eyes and heaved out a sigh. “Fine. I’ll see you later this week.”
“Have a good night, Mel.”
“You too, Tillie.”
After she left, I got to work on my closing time duties. I closed out the register and gathered up the sales receipts. Then, I printed off the online orders that came in throughout the day. Finally, I printed off my inventory report. When I got home, I was going to go through the online orders just to make sure that I didn’t need to make any new pieces to fulfill the orders that came in.
I was so caught up in what I was doing, though, that I realized too late that I never locked the door behind Meli. My back was to the door since I was standing at the printer waiting for the final reports to print when I heard the chime indicating someone had walked in.
I turned around, prepared to tell the client I was closed for the night, when I froze.
Because right there in front of me was something I’d wished for, for weeks.
It was Zev.
And he looked like he hadn’t slept in months.
Tillie
He was here.
I couldn’t believe he was standing here in my shop.
Part of me wanted to run over and jump into his arms, but the other part of me remembered how he treated me the last two times I saw him.
I tried to swallow past the lump in my throat but failed.
That’s when he whispered, “Tillie.”
I reached out and grasped the countertop to stop myself from falling as I immediately broke down crying. The next thing I knew, Zev’s arms came around me, and he held me tight. I was so distraught, seeing him for the first time in months, that I couldn’t do anything but allow him to comfort me.
I hadn’t had the comfort of a hug like this since the night of Liam’s funeral. The only thing I could bring myself to do was hold on to him and let the tears flow.
That’s precisely what they did, too. In between my sobbing and trying to breathe, I noticed Zev’s hand moving up and down my back. I heard the pained rasps of his voice as he tried to soothe me.
“Shhh… it’s okay. I’m here. I’m so sorry, Tillie.”
It took me a really long time to pull myself together. When I did, I came to my senses. I stepped back out of Zev’s hold, yanking my arms out of his grasp.
“Wait,” I warned as he reached out for me. “What are you doing here? How did you know I was here?”
Disappointment flickered in his face at my refusal to let him continue to touch me.
“I’m here because I realized how big of a mistake I made, and I wanted to apologize,” he started. “When I got to your house and you didn’t answer, I went inside. Nearly everything was gone. I needed to find you. It took me some time, but I eventually went to your website and saw you had moved here.”
He paused a moment and looked around the store. When his eyes came to mine again, he praised, “This place is incredible, Tillie.”
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br /> “Apologize for what?” I barked, trying to ignore his kind words. I didn’t know why I was doing that because it wasn’t who I was. All I could come up with was that it had to be a means of self-preservation.
Zev shook his head and answered, “For pushing you away the way that I did. I’m sorry, Tillie. I know I don’t deserve your forgiveness after treating you that way, but I’m going to ask you for it anyway.”
“Why?” I questioned him, my voice getting louder by the second. “Why did you do that to me? To us?”
“Tillie, babe, I know I—” he got out before I cut him off.
Holding my hand up between us, I declared, “No! Do you know what I’ve been through? You look around this store and think I’m doing great because business is good… you have no idea what I’ve been through these last few months. And you want to know why that is? Because you shut me out, Zev. After all these years, after everything we’ve been through, you threw me out like I was garbage. And the worst part about all of it is that you did that to me after the best night of my life.”
Shock and horror were evident in his face. I didn’t know if it was the words I was saying or if it was the fact that he hadn’t ever seen me like this. At that moment, it didn’t matter. I just needed to get it out.
“I gave you everything I had to give all because I wanted to take away your pain,” I started again. “I know you don’t remember what happened between us that night, Zev, but it was beautiful. Until I woke up the next morning and you made it ugly.”
I watched as he winced.
Seeing the pain in his face didn’t stop me. I continued, “Even if you wanted nothing with me beyond our friendship, I would have understood that. I didn’t need to have the intimate relationship with you Zev. I loved you, yeah. But I never would have done what I did had I known I’d lose you as my friend. I would have gone on and cherished what we had with each other that night for the rest of my life while still having you in my life… any way that I could.”