by A. K. Evans
He closed his eyes, and I knew I’d done damage. For some reason, though, I felt compelled to twist the knife I could see that I’d already shoved through his heart.
Shaking my head, my voice got quiet. “You broke your promise to me, Zev.”
Confusion marred his features.
Before he had the chance to speak, I clarified, “You forgot about me. You promised you’d never forget about me. But you did.”
“Tillie, I never forgot about you,” he insisted.
I closed my eyes, still unable to believe that I was hearing his voice. I gave myself a minute to breathe and settle down. When I opened my eyes again and looked at him, I asserted, “You did, Zev. Not just by not remembering the night that I keep replaying over and over in my head, but also when you ignored every single call or text I sent you after it. And when weeks went by without any communication, you did nothing to change that.”
“Please stop saying that I don’t remember what happened that night,” he begged.
“Why? You don’t like the fact that you can’t remember that you—”
Now it was his turn to cut me off.
“I remember everything about that night, Tillie. Everything. The way you kissed me, the way you smelled, the way you touched my body, and the way yours felt underneath mine. Most of all, though, I remember the way you looked into my eyes the moment I was inside you for the first time… the moment anybody was inside you for the first time. I was awed that you chose me. I remember all of it,” he stressed.
I blinked in surprise at his words.
He remembered it?
Not only did he remember it, but he knew what I’d given him. He knew.
I stood there, staring at him, feeling so confused.
“I can’t take back what I did to you the next morning,” he began. “I’ll regret that for the rest of my life.”
“Why did you do it?” I asked. “Why did you pretend you didn’t know?”
Zev shook his head. “I wasn’t trying to pretend anything. I think I asked you what happened more out of guilt. It wasn’t about not remembering.”
“Guilt? Guilt over what?” I pressed.
Zev took in several deep breaths. Finally, he stated, “Liam loved you.”
That didn’t explain anything.
“Okay? And I loved him. What does that have to do with us?” I wondered.
“No, Tillie. You’re misunderstanding me. You remember the day we made that promise never to forget you? You know, the day at the lake?”
I dipped my chin to confirm that I did.
“When you swam to the shore, we both watched you. That day, I admitted to myself that I had fallen in love with you,” he started, his voice tortured. “God, I’ve always thought you were the most beautiful girl in the world.”
Zev fell in love with me? When we were just teenagers he fell in love with me. I felt like my head was spinning and I was going through some kind of information overload.
He must have realized I was still feeling monumentally confused because he shared, “So while I’d kept my feelings about you to myself, Liam didn’t. And that day, as you swam to the shore, he told me he was going to marry you one day.”
My lips parted in shock.
Liam.
Oh my God.
Suddenly, everything started making sense. The guilt and regret I saw in Zev’s face was not about the fact that he’d slept with his best friend. It was that he’d done it and believed he betrayed his brother. And all the years of me being in love with him wondering why he’d never made a move on me… it was all so clear to me now. He was giving up what he wanted for the sake of his brother’s happiness.
My shock and silence stretched on for too long, so Zev took the opportunity to move closer to me. When he was only inches away from me, he brought his finger up to my chin and lifted. My head tipped back, and I was staring up at his eyes.
“I don’t know why Liam never actually acted on what he said to me that day,” he started. “But that’s why I never acted on my feelings. I’m telling you right now, though, that what you and I had that night means everything to me. Not only because you gave me what you did, but also because I was able to give you the same.”
My eyes widened.
“What?” I whispered.
“It’s always been you, Tillie,” he said.
Was he saying what I thought?
“Are you… are you saying…” I trailed off.
He nodded. “Yes, Tillie. You were my first.”
“But… but you’ve gone out on dates?” I stammered.
He cocked an eyebrow and argued, “So have you.”
“Are you… are you telling me that you’ve never been with anybody else before me?” I asked.
Zev smiled and nodded again. “And I haven’t been with anybody after you, babe.”
Tears filled my eyes. I closed them and felt the wetness slip out and down my cheeks. Zev wiped them away.
“I’m sorry,” he whispered before he pressed a kiss to my forehead. “I’m so sorry for hurting you.”
Not wanting to waste another second, I threw my arms around his shoulders. Zev’s arms closed around me as I cried, “I’ve missed you so much.”
“I know, babe. I know. I missed you, too,” he said, his voice gentle.
We stayed like that a long time, neither of us saying a word. I think we both just needed the time to come to grips with the fact that we were no longer separated.
After some time had passed, Zev broke the silence. “Tillie?” he called.
“Yeah?” I asked, pulling my head back from his shoulder to look at him.
When his eyes met mine, he smiled. Then, he asked, “Do you love me?”
I returned his smile and replied, “I fell in love with you the day you put your wrist guards and knee pads on me before you and Liam taught me how to skateboard.”
Zev laughed. “You were nine.”
I shrugged. “I’ve always known what I wanted, honey. Why do you think I continued to find something wrong with every guy I went out on a date with? I’ve always thought you and I were meant to be.”
Relief swept through him. At the same time, I could tell there was still something eating away at him.
Not wanting to have to continue to do this in the middle of my store, I asked, “Will you come with me back to my place? I’d love to show you where I’m living now.”
Zev nodded. “Then we should get your store closed down so you can do that.”
Faster than I’ve ever done it before, I closed down my shop. Then, Zev followed me in his truck back to my place.
It wasn’t until we walked inside that I realized my mistake.
I had been walking through the house giving Zev the grand tour when we ended up in my living room. His eyes immediately went to the coffee table.
After pulling out the photos the other night, I never went back and organized them or put them away. They were still there, scattered on the table.
“Zev,” I whispered when I saw the pain in his eyes. “I’m so sorry. I completely forgot I left these out.”
He didn’t respond. He simply knelt down beside the table and lifted a photo from it. It was one of the three of us from the time we’d all gone to see the Grand Canyon together. Seeing it, I remembered it like it happened yesterday. We’d asked a random stranger to take a photo of us. I was standing there with Zev on one side of me and Liam on the other. We were exuding happiness.
Zev stared at the picture for a few moments before he set it down and picked up another one. He did the same thing several times, and I watched as his face changed with each photo he picked up.
Crouched down on the floor beside him, I put my hand to his shoulder. “Zev, honey, I feel like there’s still something eating away at you,” I started. “Tell me what’s on your mind.”
His haunted eyes came to mine. The sight of that pain nearly killed me.
“I hate that Liam had to die in order for us to be together,” he s
hared.
My palm went to his cheek. “Don’t do this to yourself,” I urged him. “Liam would not want this for you.”
“The guilt eats away at me, Tillie,” he remarked.
With my thumb stroking along his cheek, I tried to offer him some comfort. “You denied yourself something you wanted out of respect and loyalty to your brother. That’s admirable. But I’m telling you right now that even if Liam had approached me about a relationship between us, I wouldn’t have agreed to it. I loved Liam so much, but not in the same way that I love you. Besides, considering he never made that move, did you ever think that maybe he was no longer interested?”
Zev let out a laugh. “My parents said the same thing,” he shared.
My brows shot up. “Your parents?” I asked.
Nodding, Zev explained, “They are the reason I am here right now.”
“How are they doing?” I wondered.
“It’s hard, but they’re managing. I’ve been going to see them more frequently. Initially, it was fine, but when I went to visit them on Saturday, they kind of let me have it.”
“What happened?”
Zev went on to tell me about his visit with his parents and how he’d come to tell them about why I was no longer around. I was nearly as close to them as I was to my own parents, and I loved them dearly. It felt good to know that they felt the same.
When he finished telling me the story, I asked, “So, do you think that maybe we’re right?”
“I’d like to believe it,” he assured me.
“You should,” I insisted. “He had a serious girlfriend a few years ago. It didn’t work out, obviously, but he picked himself up and moved on. I talked with him several times about his girl troubles over the years. If he felt for me what you do, I think it’s unlikely he’d have shared the details that he did. Bottom line, Liam was happy with his life. And he’d want you to be happy with yours.”
Zev pressed his lips together and nodded.
“I went to visit him today,” I told him.
“Liam?” he guessed.
With a downward jerk of my chin, I confirmed he was correct. I looked toward the pictures on the table and explained, “I’ve been unpacking slowly and Saturday night I ended up opening the box with these pictures. If I’d known these were in that box before I opened it, I would have picked a different one. But once I saw them, I pulled them all out. It was a rough night. I’ve been having such a hard time coping with losing the both of you, and I didn’t know who to talk to about it. So, I figured Liam would listen to me.”
“I hate myself for doing that to you,” Zev responded. “I can remember everything you did for me in the days that followed that moment in the hospital when we learned Liam was no longer with us. All I kept thinking was how amazed I was at your strength.”
I shrugged. “I was dying inside, but I wanted to be strong for you.”
“And you were,” he said softly. “I’m sorry I didn’t give you the same. You certainly deserved a whole lot more than you got from me.”
“It’s okay, Zev. You were hurting. Sometimes, we say or do things we don’t mean when we’re hurt. It’s what we do afterward that matters. Maybe it took some time for you to realize it, but when you did, you did what you had to do to find me and apologize. I can’t ask for more than that.”
He closed his eyes and dropped his head as he let out a rush of air. “I’m so lucky you are who you are,” he sighed.
I didn’t like seeing the turmoil and struggle he was going through, so I wanted to lighten the mood. “Yeah, and who I am right now is a girl that’s hungry,” I declared.
My plan worked because Zev looked up and laughed.
“How about I order us a pizza?” I suggested.
“You can order it, but I’m buying,” he insisted.
I grinned. “Works for me,” I replied.
At that, I got up off the floor and called to order a pizza.
From the other side of the room, I watched as Zev scanned through the photos. I couldn’t help but smile when he picked one up of just the two of us and stared at it with such adoration. Then, he melted my heart when he ran his thumb across my face like I was some precious jewel that was all his.
Tillie
“Looks like you’re pretty well set here in Sedona.”
As I took another bite of my pizza, I continued to stare at the man sitting on the cushion next to mine on the couch and found him reaching for another slice. I was finding that I couldn’t stop looking at him. Part of me started wondering if I’d been doing it because I was worried he was going to leave while the other part of me was convinced I was doing it because I was relieved he was here.
In my defense, it wasn’t like I’d been staring at him since he walked into my store. There was the drive back to my place when I was only able to look in my rearview mirror to see him following behind me. I’d also hopped in the shower after I ordered the pizza. So, there had been significant stretches of time when I hadn’t been able to stare.
Now, sitting here having dinner with him, I couldn’t stop myself. I still couldn’t believe that he was here with me after all these weeks.
“Pardon?” I asked after I’d chewed and swallowed my food.
He looked away from me and around the room. When he brought his attention back to me, he explained, “Well, seeing the way you’ve settled in here at just the house is a good enough indicator that you’re here to stay. But if I add to it the fact that your store was busy all day long, I’d be a fool to assume you’d want to leave.”
My brows pulled together. “How do you know my store was busy all day long?” I asked.
“I got there earlier in the day, but you weren’t there. So, I stayed in the area and waited. Every time I walked by your store, it was packed,” he answered.
I nodded my head in understanding.
“I always knew you were going to be amazing at whatever you chose to do with your life,” he started. “Evidently, I wasn’t wrong. And while you were successful before you even moved here, it’s evident you’re doing really well now.”
Zev’s faith in my abilities never faltered. He never doubted that I’d be successful, even before I’d officially opened my business. Heck, he was convinced I’d be rich and famous before he’d even seen a single ceramic piece.
And I loved that.
I loved that he had always been encouraging about my career from the very beginning.
But now I was wondering if that was a concern to him.
While we hadn’t discussed any specifics of our relationship moving forward, it had certainly felt like we’d communicated our love for one another. Of course, I had the fact that Zev hadn’t even attempted to kiss me at the back of my mind. And I’d been thinking about that a lot because I really wanted to experience that with him again.
Now that he was bringing up the fact that I was clearly doing well here, it made me worry. Above all else, I didn’t want to lose Zev again. The thought that I might was terrifying.
Apparently, I must have been wearing my concern on my face because Zev called, “Tillie?”
I snapped out of it and replied, “Yeah?”
“Are you okay?” he asked.
Nervously biting my lip, I nodded. “Thank you for believing in me,” I said.
Zev kept his eyes on me as he finished his slice. Then he set his empty plate down next to mine on the coffee table. After I’d gotten out of the shower, Zev helped me get the pictures organized into a couple of piles so we’d have room for the food.
He took a sip of his drink, set it down next to his plate, and took my hand in his. “Can you tell me what’s going on in your mind right now?”
I wasn’t sure I could. The problem wasn’t that I had an issue expressing it, though. Even though Zev and I had been best friends for years, talking about everything under the sun, he hadn’t ever held my hand and gazed into my eyes the way he was now.
Yes, gazed.
It was safe to say it was a goo
d thing I was sitting down because it was throwing me a bit off balance.
Somehow, I managed to push past it and answered with a question. “Does it bother you that I moved here?” I asked him.
Zev seemed taken aback by the question. Apparently, he hadn’t been prepared for that. Following a few moments of silent deliberation, he responded, “I’m not sure how to answer that, Tillie. Does it bother me that you have a storefront now and are doing well for yourself? No. Absolutely not. I couldn’t be happier for you. Am I upset that I wasn’t here for you so that I could support you through it and celebrate the grand opening with you? Yes. But I can’t answer the question about whether it bothers me that you moved here.”
“Why not?” I wondered.
“Because I don’t know what your reason for it was,” he remarked. “I have ideas about what your reasons might have been, but I don’t want to make any assumptions.”
I closed my eyes because this wasn’t going to be easy. I genuinely believed that Zev felt remorseful for how he handled the situation with me following his brother’s funeral, and I knew that if I gave him the truth about my choice, he’d blame himself.
Even still, I couldn’t lie to him.
“There was nothing left for me in Saguaro,” I started. After a brief pause, taking the time to notice how my words struck him like a physical blow, I continued, “No, that’s not true. All that was left for me in Saguaro were the memories of better times. And it became too painful for me to cope with them on my own. Everywhere I turned, there was a reminder of my life before it all changed. With my parents so far away, Liam gone, and you out of my life, I couldn’t take it anymore. So, I decided I needed a fresh start.”
“Did it help you?” he asked.
“It’s not obvious?” I shot back. “I mean, you saw how well the store was doing. Things are going great for me.”
Zev shook his head, brought a hand to my cheek, and leaned toward me as his voice dipped low. “I’m not talking about it helping you on a professional level, Tillie. The answer to that is obvious. I’m talking about your heart. Did the move here help you heal your heart?”
I would have been lying if I said that it had. I shook my head and whispered my reply, “Not even close.”