A Life Without Water

by Marci Bolden

  “Nervous.” He shrugged as if he didn’t understand his professed uneasiness. “I’ve been thinking about this trip for a long time. I can’t believe we’re leaving tomorrow.”

  “Yeah.” Spinning her high-backed office chair, she grabbed a stack of papers. “I printed off the directions. I know that’s old-school, but I don’t like relying on technology, especially once we get out west. Connection with the outside world is hit-or-miss in some areas.” She flipped through the pages. “Eighty-six hours of drive time. That probably breaks down to about twelve days with stops.” She stared at him, making certain he heard her next words. “You need to find someone to help you before we get to Dayton, John. I’m dropping you off and coming home.”

  He stared at her for several heartbeats before nodding.

  “I’m not trying to be a jerk.”

  “I know. You’ve already done more than I expected. It’ll be nice to make this trip in your fancy camper instead of a bus. Can you believe I came this close to death without knowing Mercedes made motorhomes?”

  Carol chuckled as he broke the seriousness of the moment. “Good thing you found me when you did.” She glanced at a photo on her desk. She was pressed against Tobias’s side with the Rocky Mountains in the background. Turning the frame to show John the image, she said, “This was our first trip in the motorhome. We went to Denver for a marathon. Tobias didn’t like to sit still. We were always on the go. The RV has been in storage since he died. It needs to get back on the road.”

  “I’m sorry about what I said.”

  She lifted her brows in question. He’d said so many untoward things since reappearing in her life, she couldn’t possibly pinpoint which one he was apologizing for.

  “You know…” Red flushed his cheeks. “Pointing out you’d married a Black man. That was stupid. I’m glad you found someone to take care of you.”

  Her heart did the funny flip that it always seemed to do when someone noted the difference between her and Tobias’s ethnicities. That usually led to confrontation of some kind or another, and a long talk between them about how society was still unevolved in certain ways. “We were married for two years before my parents acknowledged him as part of the family. Mom used to call me up and tell me about nice boys she could introduce me to if only I’d go home. Drove me crazy.”

  “What changed her mind?”

  Her eyes swam out of focus as she toyed with the clip on the stack of directions she’d printed. “We were going to have a baby. She loved the idea of being a grandmother again, but I told her if she couldn’t accept my husband, she couldn’t accept his child. Dad never came around, but Mom did. I miscarried in my second trimester.”

  “I’m sorry.” Sitting in the chair across from her, he picked up the photo. “What does she think of you driving me across the country?”

  She forced out a flat laugh. “Oh. I didn’t tell her. It’s better that she doesn’t know. I told her I’d be at a work conference for the next two weeks and not to expect to hear from me. She wasn’t surprised. You know how I am; I tend to bury myself in work.”

  He continued to stare at the picture, rubbing his thumb over the glass and, if she had to guess, the image of her smiling face. “It’s paid off. Not many companies would give someone a month off with no notice.”

  “I didn’t take much time after Tobias’s funeral. HR wasn’t thrilled with my choice to go back to work. They’re counting this as bereavement leave. This probably isn’t what they had in mind, though.”

  He put the photo down. “No. I’d guess not.”

  She reached for the frame, turning it just so. “I reserved a spot at an RV park in Amarillo for tomorrow night. It’ll be a long, hard day, but there isn’t much once we get into West Texas. I don’t want to get caught out there with no plan for where to stay.”

  “We have an RV,” he said lightly as he sank back in the chair. “We can hole up and sleep whenever we need to.”

  “Yes, however, for safety’s sake, I’d prefer to be in a secure location. Besides, they have real showers and bathrooms. That may seem like a small thing to you, but as the one who will be responsible for the tanks, I’d really like to keep the motorhome bathroom usage to a minimum.”

  “We can pee outside. Become one with nature.”

  “Or use rest areas and RV parks. We should get to bed,” she said as she shut down her laptop. She ignored John’s gaze as she put her computer and daily planner into her briefcase along with the map and RV park reservation information.

  “Are you taking that?”

  “Yes.”

  “On vacation?”

  She snapped her case closed. “No offense, but I don’t consider chaperoning your death march much of a vacation. I’m pretty confident I’ll welcome the distraction.” Hefting the strap over her shoulder, she gestured for the door. “Go to bed. I’d like to be on the road no later than seven.”

  He rose to his feet but didn’t make a move toward the door. Instead he stood, holding her gaze. “I really am glad you’re doing this. You need to say goodbye to her, too, Caroline. Whether you want to or not.”

  “Go to bed, John,” she muttered. Once he’d left the room, she looked back at the photo of her and her husband and said a silent prayer asking Tobias to help her through the coming days.

  Four

  Carol woke up late. Of course she woke up late. She rushed through a shower and dressed before trotting down the stairs, stopping when she found John at the back door staring out at Tobias’s garden, leisurely sipping his coffee as if she hadn’t explained their plans in great detail.

  She looked from his bag sitting by the door to the half-full coffee pot and back to his relaxed stance. “How long have you been up?”

  Facing her, he gave her a warm smile, apparently oblivious to her irritation. “Since about five. I’m still on Eastern time.”

  She scowled at him. She’d told him they had a long day ahead. She’d told him she wanted to be on the road by seven. But he’d still let her oversleep.

  Jackass.

  At least she’d packed the RV and fueled up the night before. The motorhome would be ready to roll as soon as they hopped in. She filled her travel mug with the coffee left in the pot John had fixed, rinsed the carafe, and grabbed her purse.

  “We don’t have to rush,” he said, lifting his bag while she double-checked the house alarm.

  She shoved him out the door before the alarm could set. “It’s about nine hours to Amarillo. Add in lunch, gas stops, and bathroom breaks, and we’re going to be closer to twelve. We have to check in to the park by eight. Any later and it will be getting too dark to hook up the RV. And… What the hell are you smirking at?”

  “You haven’t changed a bit. You have shorter hair, fancier clothes, a nicer car, and an expensive RV, but you’re still wound tighter than a girdle at a pie-eating contest.”

  She frowned at him. “Get in the RV, John.”

  As she waited for him to settle in, she ran down her mental checklist, making sure she packed everything they could possibly need. “Did you get your meds?”

  He adjusted the seat. “Yes.”

  She pulled the printed itinerary out of her briefcase. “Did you take them this morning?”

  He buckled in. “Yes.”

  Putting the papers in the console between them, she tucked her briefcase behind her seat. “Did you eat? You’re not supposed to take those on an empty stomach.”

  “Yes, Mother.”

  She resisted the urge to respond, but did ask, “Did you clean up after yourself? I don’t want ants when I get back.”

  “I washed my dishes and put them away.”

  “And you have your pills within easy reach in case we can’t stop when you need them?” After reaching for her seatbelt, she had to try three times before she managed to get the thin metal into the slot.

  He jiggled the pouch she’d bought when she picked up his new prescriptions. She turned the ignition, at which point he reached for the ra
dio.

  “Don’t,” she warned, as she’d done when they’d gotten into her SUV a few days before. “Don’t touch anything.”

  “For two weeks? I’m not allowed to touch anything for two weeks?”

  “We aren’t even out of the driveway yet, John. You don’t need to mess with things.”

  “Just wanted a little music.”

  “What the hell am I doing?” she asked under her breath as she put the RV in reverse. Checking the rearview camera on the touchscreen, she started to back out of the driveway, then stomped on the brake, causing them both to jerk forward. “Oh, God!”

  “What?” John demanded as she looked at him, her eyes wide.

  “Where’s Katie?”

  He glanced around for a moment, barely hiding the grin on his lips. “There goes our Parents of the Year award.”

  “Shut up,” she warned.

  As she threw the gearshift into park and unbuckled her seatbelt, John let the laugh he’d clearly been fighting fill the motorhome. Scowling, she shoved the door open.

  This was going to be a very long two weeks.

  Carol climbed back into the motorhome after attaching all the hoses and double-checking the connections. John lay curled on his side on the queen-size bed in the back of the RV. Every mile she drove seemed to add to the headache that had started pounding in his head as they’d emerged from Fort Worth. He’d rubbed his neck, squeezed his head, tried to sleep in the passenger seat, and then he’d given in and taken several pills. When those started wearing off far too soon, he decided to try to sleep the pain off in the bed. Though she didn’t like that he was suffering, she was glad he’d put some space between them.

  Their time in the RV had bounced between tense silence and bickering over directions. Or the temperature of the AC. Or the music. She’d clenched her teeth so many times she was surprised she hadn’t ground them to the gums yet.

  She couldn’t count how many times she’d silently chastised herself for agreeing to this trip. They were only one day in. Even so, she put her irritation aside and tiptoed to the bed in the back of the RV.

  “How are you doing?” she asked, intentionally keeping her voice soft.

  John slammed his hand down on the mattress. “For God’s sake, Caroline. How many times are you going to ask me that?”

  She inhaled sharply at his unexpected attack. “Excuse the hell out of me for pretending to be concerned.”

  He lifted his head off the pillow. “I’m the same. Okay?”

  She lifted her hands in surrender, but rotated her jaw with the anger she couldn’t quite hide. “Do you want to try to eat?”

  “Just get me another pill.”

  “It’s not time yet.”

  He chuckled flatly. “What’s the worst that can happen? I’ll OD?”

  She stood staring for several seconds before moving to the passenger seat, where he’d tucked the pouch of medications into the glove box. She grabbed a bottle of water from the fridge and threw them beside him on the bed. She knew he was in pain, and she even felt bad for him, but not enough to continue tolerating him snapping at her. “Take them all,” she suggested. “Put us both out of our misery.”

  He muttered something as she stepped outside the RV but she chose to ignore him. Jerking the storage compartment open, she pulled out the bag she’d filled with gym clothes. Heading for the park’s rec center, she followed the sign to the ladies’ room and changed into running pants and a tank top. Still frustrated, she climbed on the treadmill, once again wondering why the hell she was putting herself through this.

  She started slow, but by the time she’d replayed the entire day through her mind, she was jogging at a fast clip. Before meeting Tobias, the only running she’d done was in hospital corridors. When they’d met, he’d been on a full football scholarship because his speed and agility was like a secret weapon for the home team.

  His biggest challenge in life, he’d once told her, was getting her to start exercising with him. She’d only done that because with their crazy schedules, it seemed to be the only time they could spend together. She’d have chased that man to the moon to spend time with him. She never would have gotten in shape if not for him. Though the list of things she’d never have done if not for Tobias was long. He’d pushed her. He’d challenged her in the best possible ways. He’d made her a better person. A complete person.

  Well, as complete as she could have ever been without Katie. Even so. She would give it all back to him if she could have had her little girl. That brought her thoughts back to John. The complete opposite of Tobias.

  Tobias wanted to see Carol grow; John feared Caroline would surpass him.

  Tobias encouraged Carol to be strong; John needed Caroline to be weak.

  Tobias lifted her every day; John did his best to hold her back.

  It took years for her to realize John hadn’t done those things out of malice. He really was scared, like he’d told her in the hospital room. He’d been insecure. A frightened man-child who couldn’t stand the thought of his wife being more successful, making more money, and dreaming of having more than he could give her.

  It hadn’t been easy for her to comprehend that he hadn’t intentionally tried to sabotage her goals. Time and distance from him had helped. Seeing him through the lens of time had eased some of her anger. She started to understand that he had been flawed beyond repair long before she’d met him. His ego was as precious to him as anything. Having a woman—more specifically his wife—outperform him was a ding he couldn’t handle.

  If she hadn’t gotten pregnant with Katie, she would have outshone him eventually, and he would have found a fault in her to justify walking away and saving his pride. If it weren’t for Katie, they never would have stayed together. They never would have gotten married.

  And John never would have been able to hold her back.

  Caroline’s stomach tightened with anxiety when the timer went off. Her vision blurred with unshed tears as she lifted the stick. This was the second home pregnancy test she’d taken. Both were positive.

  Damn it.

  Yes, she was an adult. Yes, she was in college. Yes, her parents were still going to freak.

  And John. What was he going to think?

  Who was she kidding? He’d be thrilled. Most of the guys on the police force were starting families. But most of the guys on the police force were married.

  John was five years older. He was about to turn twenty-seven and was settling in for the life he wanted.

  She had bigger plans. Plans her mother told her would get sidetracked if she stayed in a relationship with an older man. She was close to finishing her undergraduate degree and had already started looking at medical schools. She didn’t need her mom to tell her that medical school would be off the table with a baby on the way.

  While her parents had encouraged her to look far and wide at the best schools, dating John had changed her mind. She wanted to stay local, so they could be together. She had so many brochures from schools in and around Dayton, she couldn’t keep them straight anymore.

  Well. She could stop obsessing about that now.

  Tossing the test aside, she put her palms to her flat stomach. She could figure this out. She could do this. She needed to change course. That was all. She would complete her nursing program for now and would look at finishing medical school later. After the baby was born and she and John could put some money aside. She’d simply postpone things. This was not the end of her plans.

  Just…a detour.

  She glanced at her watch. John wouldn’t be off duty for another two hours. Instead of sitting there counting down the minutes, she went to visit an advisor. She could finish her degree right before the baby was born.

  With John on the police department and her working at a hospital, they could align their shifts and wouldn’t have to pay for daycare, which would save them money and allow her to get back on track to getting her medical degree sooner. It could be done. It wouldn’t be easy, but she
could make it happen.

  Confident in her plan, she headed to John’s apartment and cooked a big pot of spaghetti. She was pulling the garlic bread from the oven when he opened the front door.

  John tossed his hat aside and put his gun on the table. “I was hoping you’d be here. Dinner smells good.”

  She tried to smile, but was certain it came out more like a grimace and turned her back to him, busying herself with getting plates from the cabinet. “I hope you’re hungry. I think I made too much.”

  “That’s okay. I’ll eat leftovers.” He came into the kitchen and wrapped his arms around her waist, putting a kiss on her neck. “Missed you, baby,” he whispered before moving his kisses toward her ear.

  She laughed softly, knowing where this was headed. Turning, she put her hand to his chest. “Slow down there, Officer Bowman.”

  His excitement faded a bit. “You okay?” He cupped her face and the concern in his eyes grew. “What’s the matter, Caroline?”

  “I’m pregnant.” The words tumbled out before she could stop them. His eyes widened, and she nodded. She couldn’t think of anything to add. Nothing else seemed to make sense.

  As he silently stared, doubt started to creep in on her, but then he scooped her against him. He held her tight, hugging her as if he’d never let go. “I’m going to be a dad? I’m going to be a dad?” He pulled back, his elation looking more like panic. “Are you okay? Is everything okay?”

  “I’m fine. I’m…more than fine,” she said, relieved that he’d responded as she’d expected. She wasn’t sure what she would have done if he hadn’t wanted the baby.

  “This is amazing. This is… We gotta get married.”

  Her face fell. Okay. That hadn’t factored into her plan. “What?”

  “You can’t have my baby out of wedlock.”

  “Oh, John. This isn’t 1950. Plenty of women have babies without getting married first. I’ve got to finish school. I don’t have time to plan a wedding.”